01x23 - Bad Bear Day/2001: A Spouse Odyssey

[bunniefuu]

- [grunts, screams]
- [thuds]

[Hailey] Ow!

That's last straw!

Scott, can you help me?

Uh, I'm a little tied up right now.

[grunting]

I can't believe we're finally
gonna clean the attic.

At least we have help this time.

[both laughing, exclaiming]

Uh, excuse me.

Could the adults
get back to work, please?

Oh, sorry, honey. Your dad just found
our old wedding box.

Oh! My wedding ladle!

And those extra-spicy salsa packets.

Salsa packets? What?

Were you married
at a taco stand? [laughs]

Oh, you actually were! Cool.

Yeah, I've seen the pictures

and their wedding
was kind of disappointing.

See, my parents were supposed
to have a big fancy wedding,

but then it became way too crazy,

and they decided to have
a quick ceremony on the beach instead.

Mom got woozy from eating
too many spicy tacos.

Like I said, disappointing.

That's why I wrote, "Throw Mom and Dad
a better wedding" on my list.

I keep trying to convince them
to have a redo,

but they always tell me no.

- [baby] Aah!
- Ah, is this our marriage paperwork?

Kai, you never mailed it in?

Me? That was the one thing
you were supposed to do!

Remember? "Kai tips the clerk,
Patricia mails the paperwork."

Or was it "Kai folds the veil,
Patricia sends the mail"?

Either way, it was your job.

You're right. I must have forgotten.

I really am a different person
when I eat spicy tacos.

But if you never mailed it in,

that means...

[both] We were never
officially married. [gasps]

Wait, so do our kids even exist?

- Ow!
- [sighs in relief]

Hey, Little Orphan Hailey,

this is your chance
to complete your list item.

I'm not cleaning
the attic now, Beta! Wait.

You mean number 139, "Throw Mom and Dad
a better wedding." I'm on it.

Hey, Mom and Dad,
since you guys were never married,

which is something
I will process later in therapy,

what if I organize that better wedding
I've been bugging you about?

[sighs] I don't know, Hailey.
Weddings are a lot of work.

That's why we ended up doing something
small on the beach last time.

Please? Scott can help me.

I promise,
it'll be stress-free and totally fun.

- [Frank honking]
- This is so much fun.

My circuitry is gonna fry
figuring out this seating chart.

There's too much history.

Like if Uncle Chunk can't sit
next to Auntie Lani,

there will be no one buffering
Uncle Marty from Tutu Banks

who's mad at him because of the whole
Secret Santa incident.

What if you just moved

- Uncle Chewy over to Table four?
- Don't!

Just don't.

Okay, I didn't realize
a wedding would be this complicated.

Especially when I asked
Mom what she wanted and she was like...

I'm easy. As long as
I don't have to lift a finger,

I'm happy.

[Hailey]
And then Dad was like...

I'm easy, too.

As long as
there's a string quartet,

a three-tiered cake
with gold frosting,

Stephanotis flowers
on every chair,

midnight musubi snacks,

and a llama-drawn carriage
pulling me down the aisle.

But again, I'm easy.

But it'll be fine, I mean,

my parents' dream wedding
is only two days away,

and I have to
organize everything

or face world-ending
consequences. Ha!

- [cell phone ringing]
- Hi. Yes.

Oh, thanks
for calling me back.

Um, I wanted to rent
a llama for a wedding.

[woman speaking indistinctly]

One that can pull
a full-sized dad

- in a carriage down an aisle and--
- [line disconnects]

- Hello? Hello?
- [line beeps]

- [farts, screeches]
- Frank,

practice your wedding dance
somewhere else.

I'm trying to get my officiant license.

Officiants are very important.

- They're basically wedding umpires.
- [Frank honks]

Scott, when you're done,

- I need you to search for more places...
- [Frank crashes]

...that have
wedding llamas and--

- [cell phone ringing]
- Hello.

- [woman speaking indistinctly]
- An emergency?

- [woman continues]
- [groans]

- I'll be right there.
- [phone beeps]

[Hailey] Just come out!

I'm sure you look beautiful.

I'm hideous!

This tux doesn't fit right, and they
just sold out of the dark black.

Now I have to wear
darker black,

and, if I'm being honest,
neither one goes with my shoes!

They're both black.

All 15 suits you tried on are black!

Just pick one.

- [groans]
- [cell phone vibrating]

Uh, you got this, right, Uncle Ngata?

I just gotta take this.

- Hello?
- [florist speaking indistinctly]

You're out of Stephanotis flowers?

- [florist continues]
- You have daisies.

I don't know if that'll work.

[Kai] Oh, great!

I just love daisies

because this is a wedding
for fourth graders! [huffs]

- [florist continues indistinctly]
- [Hailey groans]

[wind blows]

Whoa, Sunny, food looks--

It's not my fault.
You get what you paid for.

You're not getting
your deposit back.

Good. I was gonna say good.

Oh, sorry, force of habit.

Yeah, It's gonna be a great wedding,
as long as the weather holds up.

Well, you know what they say,

"It's not a wedding
without a little rain."

No need to panic.

- Hailey, no need to panic.
- I just said that.

But I was so determined
not to plan anything

that I forgot to write my vows.

You're a good writer.

You know what I'd say.

Could you please write them?

Mom, that's super personal.

That's, like,
the one thing I can't do.

Aw, schnozzle.
Well, I guess I could just wing it.

I once took
a freestyle rap class.

Check out my flows.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ My dress is fit ♪

- ♪ The wind is-- ♪
- No!

Just, no.

I will write the vows.

Oh, thank you, honey.

- Phew! I can relax again.
- [donkey brays]

Ah! What is that?

Llama. You rented Llama.

But that's a donkey.

Yeah. A donkey named Llama.

Are you serious?

But I need an actual llama!

Not a donkey named Llama.

Oh! Then you should have asked
for my llama.

His name's Don. Don Key.

[groans]

Well, you know what they say,

"It's not a wedding unless the llama
you ordered turns out to be a donkey."

[wind howling]

So the food is ready,
the altar is set,

and the chairs are [gasps] empty?

Where is everyone?

- [Frank honks]
- Good news.

The incoming storm caused all flights

to be redirected to Bakersfield,

so only the locals
are gonna make it.

How is that good news?

Because cousin Susan
is stuck in Bakersfield,

so she won't be able
to get mad at Uncle Chewy

about the whole
potluck incident. Duh.

Okay, well,
you know what they say,

"It's not a wedding
until the entire wedding party

gets stuck in a different city."

[discordant cello playing]

Wait! What is Darryl doing?

Where's the string quartet?

Also stuck in Bakersfield.

Fortunately, Darryl told Scott
he'd recently started cello lessons.

Unfortunately, the cello is still
being played by Darryl.

[wristband beeping]

Can you tell the suit is darker black
and not dark black?

I think people are talking about it.

No one can even tell.

Now pop into
your llama-drawn carriage

- so the wedding can start.
- [flies buzzing]

Uh, isn't that a wheelbarrow?

And isn't that
a long-necked donkey

in a dark black suit?

Hey, that donkey has my suit!

- [Llama brays]
- [Kai screams]

[screams]

[Llama brays]

[screams]

[gurgling happily]

Dwayne! Johnson!

Go get Dad.
He, uh, has more cake in his pocket.

- [twins] Hmm.
- [gasps]

[both screaming]

[screams]

- Psst. Did you write the vows?
- What?

- [thunderclap]
- No.

It's just been so busy.
I'll get them to you.

But we have to start. Just go.

[♪ wedding music playing]

[music stops]

Dear everyone,

as the poet
DJ Double Deuce once said,

"Our love's so right,

it can't be wrong.

Ride my love bus all night long.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, beep, honk."

So with that in mind,
we are here today

to join this dude and this woman dude
in marriage.

I was told they've written
their own vows. Patricia?

Uh, can you come back to me?

- Oh, uh, sure. Kai?
- Oh, yes.

It was the spring of 2001.

I was younger then
and full of hope.

Is the birds supported
by the tree branch

or is the branch
supported by the bird?

And although
she burned all the cabbage,

I knew she was the one.

[snores]

[gasps]

- [clap]
- Woo!

- Patricia, back to you.
- Yes.

Hi. "From the moment I saw
your vace--" "Vace"?

Oh, "face!"

"Since the moment
I saw your face,

I knew you'd be my--" [gasps]!

♪ Be my love ♪

♪ You're like a dove
from up above ♪

Somebody give me a beat!

[thunderclap]

[brays]

[discordant chord plays]

Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry.

Hailey, you don't
control the rain.

I might though.

Not the rain,
just for everything.

I know your first wedding
was disappointing,

and this one is even worse.

I messed it all up.

What makes you think
our first wedding was disappointing?

It was awesome!

We ate our weight
in spicy tacos and I got sunburned.

We still laugh about it.

That wedding was just kind of us,
and so is this one.

[Hailey] It is?

[brays]

[slurps]

[both laugh]

Hailey, your dad
and I have always had

an unpredictable life together.

That's what makes it so special.

Yeah. It even rained.
How lucky are we?

And despite the fact that
I got the darker black suit

instead of the dark black suit,

which I know
everyone is talking about,

this is exactly
the type of crazy day

your mom and I
will cherish forever.

Kai,

I vow to always love you

and always love
our incredible family and friends

for the rest of my life.

[Kai sniffles]

[wristband beeps]

[Frank farts]

Well, then, by the power vested in me

by a seemingly legit
Lithuanian website,

I pronounce you married,
for real this time!

- You may now--
- Sign the marriage paperwork!

Oh, yes.

I'll take care of this.

[honks, farts]

[♪ upbeat instrumental
dance music playing]

[camera shutter clicks]

[Hailey laughs]

Now that was the best wedding
I've ever been to.

[♪ muffled music playing]

Good job, Hails.

Good job, you.

Now let's get back to the party.

Wait. We forgot something.

We didn't clean the attic again.

Do you think we're ever going
to complete that list item?

Ah, we'll get to it when we get to it.

It's not like there's
anything important up here.

[dramatic music playing]

[Hailey]
♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it ♪

♪ Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Leaving nothing to chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action,
making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts to do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise, I'm on it ♪

♪ I'm on it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪