01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

I'm not asking for anything

other than permission, and 60 men.

Men I will choose

according to my own criteria.

If you decide to join them,

I will join the SAS too.

Dearest Mirren, you know I love you.

I know I could make you so happy.

If you go out in this,

it will be suicide!

Who?

McGonagal, sir.

What is it about Stirling

that you dislike so much?

I invented the SAS.

He had no right to destroy it

on its first mission.

We have a second chance.

Let's see what the stars

have in store for us.

g*nf*re

EXPLOSIONS

THEY CHEER

That's Paddy Mayne in Tamet.

And here am I

in the dark and silence in Sirte.

Well, it's not a competition, sir.

Of course it is.

Ooh, I say

Let the games begin.

Faster now, come on!

PADDY CACKLES

Sadler! Come on, catch him!

How do you like these, Paddy?

HE CHUCKLES Come on!

HE LAUGHS

BURST OF g*nf*re

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Where the hell did you learn

to drive like that, Paddy Mayne?

Now, we will break off into four units

as before.

I'm guessing it's the same teams

as the last time

we attacked these same airstrips?

Just to keep the scoring system fair.

No.

Different teams, same team leaders

because this whole exercise,

the whole North Africa campaign

is about my team versus your team, Paddy.

Aye. Just as long as that is clear.

Gentlemen, this is a theatre of w*r,

not a playground

and this time, it will be different

cos now the Germans are expecting us.

Every airstrip will be on high alert.

Even more fun, Jock.

So, now, perhaps

double points for each plane destroyed?

Lewes, you will take

Almonds and Riley to Nofilia airstrip.

Fraser!

— I want no part in this idiotic game.

You will go with Lewes,

but take four men

and break off at the airstrip

to attack the airfield to the west.

And, Paddy, just as the last time

you will take Tamet

and I will take Sirte.

Round two then, sir.

Oh, yes, round two!

Can I come on your team then, sir?

Course you can, sweetheart.

You stick with Uncle Paddy.

Oh, she's a keen kitten, she is.

PADDY PURRS

And whoever destroys

the most aeroplanes tonight

will win a bottle of 20-year-old

single malt Scotch whisky!

THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE

Oh, my father's favourite.

Now, I carry it with me

in case I am fatally wounded.

Now I'm offering it as a prize

in our game.

Paddy, you've had

a lot of whisky in your time.

Nothing as good as this

considering your humble background.

Shall I stand between you two

f*cking idiots like a headmaster?

Myself, I prefer a poteen

distilled in bathtubs.

But I will gladly take this piss

off your hands when I win, sir.

OK, men, check your weapons.

David.

What's this idiotic nonsense

about a game?

No commanding officer

has ever been able to control Paddy Mayne

because none of them understood him.

He will fight against me come what may,

but now

he will try to attain dominance

by destroying enemy aircraft

which is essential

if we don't want Tobruk to fall.

Yes, but is it really

clever strategy, David?

Or do you just want to win the game?

What time is it?

Two minutes to midnight.

We need to wait for the moon to set.

Let's wait here for the moon to set.

Four miles to the airstrip,

coast road's just over that ridge.

We can't risk the vehicles any further.

f*ck the moon.

There you are, sir.

Let's go.

The cheeky b*stards have put up fences.

Aye, cheeky f*ck.

But it'll make it more fun this time.

Paddy, we should wait

for the moon to set. They'll see us.

No. The moon is our friend.

Patience is our enemy.

And besides

those who'd see us will soon be dead.

Listen.

FAINT RUMBLE

Just as I thought,

fences and searchlights this time.

Riley I want you to read this.

Um

I'm not religious, sir.

If you're unable to read the print

the light will be sufficiently bad

for us to move.

Pass it here, Pat.

It's my favourite.

And, uh, what are you doing, sir?

We have at least 15 more minutes,

SO you read your bible

I'm going to pray in my own way.

HE CHUCKLES

My dearest Mirren.

It has been two weeks since

I sent you my letter of marriage proposal.

I'm imagining that

! haven't received your response

because of faults in the mail service.

We are now based on the planet Mars

and mail comes once every blue moon.

And speaking of the moon

every time I look at it, I think of you.

So damn corny, isn't it?

Like one of those awful Hollywood films.

SHE LAUGHS

But the moon gives me hope

that something so cold and remote

can appear beautiful.

I believe I too am considered

cold and remote by some

but I am hoping that you might also

consider me, if not beautiful

then at least dependable.

And I hope that your answer

to my proposal will be yes.

The light died just after

"thou shalt not k*ll," sir.

Well

I can tell you the full commandment.

It's "thou shalt not k*ll

except in a very good cause."

Every day,

Hitler sends innocents to their deaths.

So we have a very good cause.

Fraser, take your men west.

We go east.

- Go well, sir.

ENGINE STARTS — Good luck, boys.

All the best, lads.

f*ck. f*ck.

German reinforcements,

heading to Agheila to join Rommel.

We can't reach Sirte airstrip

without crossing that road.

f*ck.

DISTANT CHATTER IN GERMAN

MUFFLED YELL

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Only five Messerschmitts on the strip.

Meaning what?

Five is five.

Five Messerschmitts taken out of action.

British lives saved.

Yes, sir.

I only wish there were more.

I don't care about the scores

on the blackboard, none of us do.

Good.

Only monsters would keep count.

VEHICLES PASS IN DISTANCE

If that's Rommel's main relief column

there'll be no break for three hours.

There'll be a break.

German troops stay tight to prevent—-

There will be a bloody break, Sadler.

I will get a break.

I am owed a f*cking break.

A wee light show for Stirling.

DOG BARKS

SOLDIER YELLS

- g*nf*re

GUNSHO

- DOG BARKS

Bad dog.

ALARM WAILS

- g*nf*re

EXPLOSIONS

Looks like Paddy's lit another bonfire.

g*nf*re CONTINUES

Bravo.

What the f*ck has he blown up?

Whatever it is,

I imagine there's little doubt

about the destination of

my father's favourite whisky.

THEY CHUCKLE

—- DISTANT expl*si*n

My father would be very proud.

VEHICLES DEPART IN DISTANCE

That's it.

Road's clear, that's the last of them.

What time is it?

4:26.

Sunrise is at 4:40.

It's another 20-minute march

to Sirte airstrip.

Ah, it's too late.

Looks like Lewes and Fraser

have had some success too.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Of course, of course.

The road became clear

when it was already too late.

Or imagine a more amusing possibility

the road became clear

because it was too late.

Therein lies a crucial

philosophical distinction.

In The liad, Homer wrote

"Fate is born with us.

No man escapes it,

neither brave man nor coward."

What do you say, Sadler?

I say no one is talking

of bravery or cowardice.

Indeed.

No one is talking at all.

g*nshots

KERSHAW FARTS

If you see a brown stone, lads

stay away from it.

Stirling!

Wee Johnny.

I wanna write down the scores.

Why don't you leave it alone, Paddy?

Reg. 24 plus 277?

Fifty

one.

Scare the Jerries off, that.

Whew.

Even though they took extra precautions

I think we did rather well.

Wires, dogs

wide-eyed boys notwithstanding.

What caused all the fireworks?

Five thousand gallons of aviation fuel.

Ah.

I'm not counting that in my tally.

What about you?

Who's getting the whisky?

The prize has gone, Paddy.

Some of it I drank,

the rest shot to pieces.

Decided it was a worthless gesture.

My strategy was ugly and vain

and a bottle of whisky

is not a fitting reward

for the resourcefulness and courage

you have shown

over two very dangerous assignments.

So

I'm going to recommend to GHQ

that you be awarded

the Distinguished Service Order Medal,

and that you

be promoted to the rank of Captain.

Congratulations, Captain Mayne.

The Special Air Service's

first combat medal

and first promotion.

Three cheers for Captain Paddy Mayne!

The mad b*stard at Tamet strip.

Hip, hip

- Hooray!

Hip, hip

Hooray!

Now you can try wearing

the mantle of power yourself

you useless Irish c**t.

You see, you

you are the first commanding officer

that I have ever actually liked.

Hmm.

Where the hell is Lewes?

BIRDS TWITTER

Mirren?

Mirren?

SHE CHUCKLES

—- What are you doing?

I was asking my dear departed

grandmother a question.

What question?

You're being very mysterious.

- SHE LAUGHS

Where are we going?

My grandmother said yes.

So let's do it.

In the back of the car.

It's what all the young people

in America do, apparently.

Um

SHE GIGGLES

Remember

you have to pull out.

I will, my love. I will.

HE GROANS

- SHE GASPS

I love you, Mirren.

THEY GASP

HE GROANS

Oh, Lord.

What?

Quickly.

For God's sake.

- What do I do?

Like this?

- Yes.

Quicker.

HE GROANS

Goodness.

Such a lot.

HE CLEARS THROA

HE SIGHS

What?

Now you are ruined?

My dress is ruined.

Well, Mirren

when we're married, there will be no need

for strategic withdrawals.

You always resort to military terms

when you're embarrassed.

Did you hear me?

I said, when we're married.

Jock

Enemy aircraft, due south!

PLANE ENGINES WHINE IN DISTANCE

Everyone, fan out!

Watch out!

g*nf*re

Almonds, head for the rocks!

Everyone out! Fan out!

Grab your weapons, find cover!

Get the Bren g*n!

Scatter! Everybody scatter!

Go!

Get down, sir, there's another plane!

We obviously made ourselves

something of a priority.

How flattering.

Almonds, take cover!

Jim, come on!

f*ck off!

g*nf*re

JOCK YELLS

SOLDIERS YELL

Are you hit, sir?

They're swinging back round!

Agh!

HE GROANS

Are you OK, sir?

Just head for the rocks!

I'll meet you there.

Sir, you have to run! Run!

Run Walk would be a fine thing.

PLANE ENGINE ROARS

g*nf*re

Sir! Are you OK?

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

HE PANTS

PLANE ENGINE ROARS

g*nshots

Sir!

DISTANT g*nf*re

Sir!

HE GRUNTS

Do you need help?

HE GROANS

YELLING IN DISTANCE

We'll come and get you!

Get back behind the rock!

They're coming again!

g*nf*re

BIRDSONG ECHOES

Jock.

In answer to your proposal, my love

I'm afraid I have to say no.

How can I marry a man who's already dead?

JOCK GRUNTS

No.

No.

No

Mirren.

HE GRUNTS

No.

I'm not dead.

I'm alive.

Mirren

HE GROANS

I'm not dead, Mirren!

BIRDSONG ECHOES

I'll be with you in a moment

Quickly as I can.

Sir! Sir, you're hurt!

Wait, I'll come to you!

No! You will not go down there,

that's a f*cking order!

I will not let you die!

Stay.

Stop! Jim! Come back!

Sir, keep coming!

Almost there, darling.

There's only one vehicle.

I wonder if the Germans

have a blackboard.

Everyone alright, lads?

You alright, fellas?

Get 'em a drink.

Jock didn't make it.

What what d'you mean?

What do you mean?

What do you think I mean?

No. Where is he?

He's f*cking dead.

Hey, hey!

Where is he?

He's where he fell.

You left him?

I left him on your orders!

On SAS orders!

S-A-f*cking-S protocol!

You! On your f*cking order!

"Do not attempt to retrieve

the bodies of the fallen

as it will impede swift execution

of the given mission," sir.

He's a bloody mess

out in the sand.

Which is where we're all

we are all gonna be,

now that Jerry's onto us.

STIRLING YELLS

I actually didn't believe

Jock Lewes was human.

Sir, put out your cigarette.

Sir, put out your cigarette!

f*ck off!

f*ck off!

He died well.

Sand.

Sand, quick.

So

only the dreamer and the madman left.

Who the f*ck is gonna be

the sensible one now?

Dear Jock.

I received your letter this morning

and I danced.

I actually danced with the letter in my

hand, as if it was you I was dancing with.

Of course I will marry you, Jock.

Of course I will.

Parade!

Parade, turn!

Morning, gentlemen.

- Morning, sir.

- He said good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, sir!

Like f*cking primary school.

Relax.

Well, if this is primary school

I've had a message from the headmaster

General Auchinleck himself.

But

before I tell you what he has to say

the period of mourning for

Lieutenant Jock Lewes is over.

Cooper. Hoist the flag.

Sir!

Auchinleck expresses his astonishment

at the success

that we have achieved in such

a short space of time.

Having destroyed 90 enemy aircraft

—- COOPER GRUNTS

we have exceeded the number

destroyed by the RAF

by a factor of three.

f*ck!

Paddy Mayne's

DSO has been confirmed

and he has been promoted

to the rank of Captain.

Sir!

It's not working.

Right.

Seekings, help that poor boy now.

f*cking gladly, sir.

Fraser has been awarded

the Military Cross.

Rope snagged, is it?

- Yeah.

And I have been promoted

to the rank of Major.

Not so sure about that, Cooper.

I think it's the wheel.

It's the f*cking rope, you oaf!

— STIRLING CONTINUES

Oi! Talk to me like that,

I will knock your bleedin' block off.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

— DISTANT YELLING

In the bigger picture,

against the odds

we now have the initiative

this success is in thanks, in no small part

to the work that you, the men of the SAS

have carried out.

We achieve our success

because we do things differently.

We achieve our goals in our own way.

f*ck wheels, f*ck ropes.

Just tie the f*cking thing!

And in recognition of

your startling successes

GHQ have awarded you all

five days' leave.

MEN CHEER AND WHISTLE

We may not be

an official regiment, but

when you make your way

to your bars and brothels in Cairo

you will all be wearing one of these.

Cap badges by Bob Tait.

The flaming sword is

the legendary sword Excalibur.

The new jump wings

were designed by Jock.

Those of you that can read

will have read the motto on our badge.

Now, Paddy, since you have

embodied the words best

I will leave it to you to say them.

PADDY CLEARS THROA

The new motto of

the Special Air Service is

"Drink rum, fight dirty

f*ck the rules."

THEY LAUGH

The new motto is

"Who Dares Wins."

Who Dares Wins.

And we will continue to dare.

There are trucks on the way

to take you all to Cairo.

Wear the beret on your head

and a condom on your massive c*ck.

THEY CHUCKLE

That'll be all.

Mutinous Irish c**t

requesting permission

not to travel to Cairo, sir.

"Bless 'Em All" by George Formby

They say there's a troopship

just leaving Bombay ♪

Bound for old Blighty shore ♪

Heavily laden with time expired men ♪

Bound for the land they adore ♪

There's many an airman

just finishing his time ♪

There's many a twerp signing on ♪

You'll get no promotion

this side of the ocean ♪

So cheer up, my lads, bless ‘em all ♪

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Here, lads, who ordered

the f*cking ice cream cones here?

MEN JEER

So what's the white bonnet

represent then, ladies?

Are you girl scouts?

Let me see that.

- h*-h*!

Well done to you, that, lad.

Shouldn't have done that.

What d'you think?

Which one of you lovely ladies

wants to take me to Ascot, eh?

For Ladies Day?

What?

Remember, Davey boy

even though we can't understand

a f*cking word

these Scotch wankers say

they are British

and we're not allowed to k*ll them.

MEN YELL

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

DISTANT PANTING

EVE GASPS

BIRD SINGS

SHE GASPS

BIRD SINGS

BIRD CONTINUES SINGING

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

HE GROANS

Can't bear this thing

f*cking complaining.

f*ck off.

BIRD SINGS

- Jesus.

I'm sorry.

BIRD SINGS

You're joking.

OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES

SOLDIERS YELL

What the f*ck's going on, Reg?

They don't like the colour of our berets!

HIGHLANDER GROANS

Anybody else has an opinion on

our f*cking headgear, please step forward.

MPs incoming!

SOLDIERS CLAMOUR

Although, I have to say,

regarding the colour of the new beret

they do have a point.

I hear your new detachment's

doing very well.

It isn't really my detachment.

It's Jock's detachment.

I suppose now it is mine.

Belongs to me and that

madman.

Here.

— Thank you.

If you don't like canaries in cages,

why did you get one?

Uh so I can set it free.

You might think I'm compassionate.

Are you not compassionate?

No. I don't think I am.

To your victories.

Oh.

Though you look like

someone who is losing.

Yes.

I am a boy playing a game

while my father watches

as he always did.

If I don't score the most tries

or make the most runs

he won't speak to me all the way home.

Just the sound of the car engine,

the windscreen wipers

and the thunderous roar of his silence.

Let's go out for a drink.

What's the rush?

No rush, I just wanna see the sunset

from the balcony of the Empire Club.

Well, I would I would, uh

rather stay here.

OK.

The truth

there is someone I want you to meet.

Oh.

— Tonight.

Top secret.

And there was me thinking

that you were with me because you liked me.

I'm trying very hard to only like you.

Come.

Eoin!

Eoin!

Your body's meat.

Your spirit's here, I think.

I was gonna read you Homer or Keats

but then I thought, f*ck that.

I think I used to bore you with it

and you were just being polite.

You remember that that idiotic

Percy French song we used to sing?

I'll sing you the Percy French thing

and we'll have a laugh.

We'll cross the ditch, our leader said ♪

And take the foe in flank ♪

But yells of consternation

then arose from every rank ♪

For posted high upon a tree,

we very plainly saw ♪

Trespassers prosecuted

in accordance with the law ♪

We're foiled, exclaimed bold Slattery ♪

Here ends our grand campaign ♪

Tis merely throwing life away

to face that mearin' drain ♪

Now, I'm not as brave as lions

but I'm braver than the hen ♪

And he who fights and runs away

will live to fight again ♪

Oh, to run away, eh, Eoin?

Oh, how grand a life it would be

to be a coward.

To love life that much.

We'll sleep here tonight, I think.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Dear God,

I do hope this isn't your little surprise.

Oh!

No, it isn't.

He's seen us.

And he's drunk.

Stirling.

Major Stirling now, I hear.

Although I believe you personally

have achieved nothing.

I have something for you.

Seems my phantom regiment has a new ethos.

"Who Dares Wins."

Where the f*ck did you get that?

Someone picked it off a barroom floor

after a brawl.

My great friend,

the Commissariat of the Cairo Police

tells me there were seven fights

resulting in injury

across the redlight district of Cairo

since 10 o'clock this morning.

Six of them involving men

wearing the SAS beret.

Yes, they are men who will not

back down if they are insulted.

Oh, I see.

And the choice of colour was deliberate?

Mr Clarke,

Eve and I are planning to have dinner.

You chose white

to provoke confrontation.

You see, my dear

there's nothing like a barroom brawl

to bring men together.

Good for company morale.

Mr Clarke, I am asking you politely.

Leave us alone.

You are a specimen.

You've achieved nothing

yet you have the audacity to

re-design my regiment's jump wings.

Thank you

for bringing the SAS into being.

Thank you for returning the beret.

Now f*ck off.

You'd better get her to teach you

some French, old boy.

The French are coming your way,

and they

are the real deal.

Doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop, doo-wop ♪

Doo-wow! ♪

What did he mean?

French coming my way?

Let's dance.

SLOW-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

What the f*ck is this all about?

Perhaps you should ask General Auchinleck.

He just arrived.

General.

Miss Mansour, how do you do?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Oui.

A little.

Well, uh, for business,

I'd prefer to use English.

General Auchinleck, what brings you here?

HE SCOFFS

Well, your success brings us here

and, uh, Captain Bergé's request for help.

Please, allow me.

I would not want anyone to impose upon me,

therefore I don't want to impose on you.

Right, impose what?

I have 20 of the toughest,

finest paratroopers

in the French army under my command.

They're like wild dogs on leashes,

wanting to k*ll Germans.

Well, we want to deploy them in the desert,

but they have to be trained.

Our chief training officer

was k*lled in action.

Hmm Well, we'll find somebody else.

It's all been arranged

that we are sending French paratroopers

to join you in Jalo.

Decided by who?

This was my idea.

And everything up until then

has been part of the strategy?

My first priority

is the execution of the w*r.

So is yours.

Although to begin with,

you would only have to spare one man.

Somebody left behind at Jalo to

train the three French in desert warfare.

But in order to deal with my wild dogs

he would have to be a very strong man.

When would this deployment begin?

AUCHINLECK CHUCKLES Good lad.

Come and have a drink.

Can we get some chairs?

Miss Mansour, please.

Now, you must tell me

all about your last few days

INDISTINCT CHATTER

INDISTINCT CHATTER

DISTANT LAUGHTER

"FUR ELISE" PLAYS ON PIANO

PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES

Did you find him?

Yep.

Paddy.

HE SIGHS

GHQ

are sending us a detachment

of French paratroopers.

We don't need any more men.

Well, it's a direct order

from Auchinleck himself.

A favour to Charles de Gaulle,

promised by Winston Churchill.

But

we would need someone to train them,

someone with experience

someone to set up a training camp.

Train them to fight in this oven

made of sand, you see.

Who?

Well

with Jock gone, there is no one else

experienced enough or tough enough.

I decided it has to be you.

So I stay in Jalo while

you continue to go out on missions?

Yes, of course,

we will continue our campaign.

So the loser finds a way to win.

You know, my old dad

Irish from both sides,

stabbed from both sides

by men like you.

Landowning gentry.

Paddy, there is no one el

He said to me about life

as a common man, he said

HE TUTS

You don't deserve my father's wisdom.

Right. Well, listen, Paddy

HE SIGHS

Sometimes, when you are in command

- PIANO MUSIC RESUMES

you need to make difficult decisions

not play the f*cking piano

and go sightseeing in the desert.

We're f*cked.