03x06 - Surprise Birthday

[bunniefuu]

Hi...uh, just to say

I've got just a few, like,
little nibbly things for lunch.

Just a sort of like a, um,

like a meze thing, just some

teeny weeny peppadew peppers,
your favorite.

Okay, bye. Bye bye. Bye.

Oh, it's Julia. [giggles]

Uh, Johnson.

[woman] Come on.

Just leaving
a voicemail for Garry.

You know, we have lunch
together today every day so...

Who's Garry?

Garry's her builder.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh Liz, that's very reductive.

Garry's way, way more than
that. He's, um...

he's a plasterer, tiler,
plumber.

he's...Garry's just
one of those guys

you know, like he can do
everything.

I mean,
I trust him with my life,

I trust him with
my kids' lives.

Oh, I feel like
that about Clare Balding.

-Hey Anne.
-Hi, hello.

Oh, look there's Kevin.

Oh yes.
Have you told him yet?

What? No. What?

What?

-What, sorry?
-About Saturday?

Oh, um, no.

-[Amanda] Well, yeah.
-[Anne] Yeah, okay. Go on.

Hi.

So, uh, don't forget
the PTA fundraiser on Saturday.

It's a sponsored
virtual bike ride

from London to Brighton.

I'm actually
going to play this by ear, Anne,

because it's
Garry's last day

so we might wanna kick back
and relax,

open a Chablis, you know,
run through some snags.

I for one, would be pleased
to make a night of it.

Celebrate my cancer alles klar.

Ah...And it's also a certain
person's birthday that night.

We're going to throw
her a little

surprise disco for
after the ride.

Oh no, not a disco.
Who wants to watch

a load of cringey moms
grinding on the dancefloor?

Me. I want to
watch Amanda

twerk the caretaker wearing
a Whistles polycotton.

Yes, Amanda does have
a spontaneous dance routine

ready for when I show her
surprise slide show.

How do you know that
if it's a surprise?

The whole thing is her idea.

But she wants it to look
like it wasn't.

Oh, wait.

Was I supposed to say that?

[theme music playing]

[Amanda] So, Anne,
you're in charge

of puddings, c*ck,
sorting the sound system.

Who is doing finger sandwiches,
crudites, mini quiches?

-[Niamh coos]
-Thanks Anne.

I'm lending my own
personal spin bike

for the ride. So Amy...

So generous. [chuckles]

What with it also being
a certain special day that day?

Anne...

I absolutely do not
want any fuss, okay?

Saturday is not
about little old me,

it's all about classroom
air filters. Okay guys?

No, sure.
Don't expect us

to have done anything
for you or anything.

Good. Not even
a nice bit of cake or...

Maybe a croquembouche,

I was thinking of like
a large sponge from M&S.

That's a bit like
not bothering at all, isn't it?

Okay, I'm going
to get something else.

-Hi, Amanda.
-Don't talk to me.

-All right, okay.
-Because someone might see.

S...see what?

Oh okay, but I was just
coming to order so...

Oh, God.

Right, Amanda...
It's gonna be hard,

our lives
are pretty intertwined.

Our lives are not intertwined.

We're not Richard and Judy.

No, I mean like, uh, at school,
here, every day, the fundraiser.

[Amanda] Stop talking to me.

Would you rather I didn't
come to it?

No Kevin, come, don't come,
I don't care.

Okay, okay, 'cause obviously,
I'd love to come for charity.

Whatever, Kevin.

But I don't wanna distract you,
uh, distract's the wrong word.

-Bother you.
-f*ck off.

Yeah, just a little chocolate,
thank you.

Well, that's it then.

Yeah, once I get this done
I'll be out of your hair.

Uh, final, um...

what's that called again?

-Finial.
-Final finial.

Yeah, we should call it a day,
just a clean break.

Yeah, I've got two
concealed cisterns

in Chiswick and a
basement to tank.

I don't mind saying this,
I'm gonna struggle without you.

It's all right. You won't have
any more problems with flush.

Oh, my God. I...we thought
we were never gonna

get that working,
do you remember that?

Yeah.

You're probably, um,
totally, totally busy

but, um, there's this thing
on at school.

No, sorry.

Yeah, no.
Totally crossing the line, yeah.

I am chock-a-block
at the minute.

And I tell you,

honestly, with schools once
you take one job,

that's it. They treat you
like a caretaker. I've had that.

[Julia] Yeah.

Oh, Can I get
your email address?

Yeah. Yeah, you...

can have my personal one,

it's juliajohnson@...

Or you could just write it?

[tools clattering]

-Right, all done.
-It's there.

Okay. Bye.

Bye, Marion.

[Marion] Bye Garry,
thanks for everything.

[sighs]

[cellphone ringing]

-[Amanda] Hey, J.
-[Johnny] Amanda, hi, listen.

I need to tell you something.
Can you do coffee later?

Oh, sweet. Babe, listen, I'm
super busy right now 'cause--

[Johnny] Okay but, uh,
I don't want you finding out

on Instagram.
I didn't realize that Tamara

was gonna post it all
over social media

and obviously I would've
rather told you in person

but, um, Tamara
and I have got engaged.

We haven't set a date yet
and, uh,

I'm gonna tell
the kids this weekend.

I thought you deserved
to hear it from me.

Amanda, you still there?

[Anne] Testing, testing, one,
two, one, two, buckle my shoe.

Three, four, shut the door.

Five, six, five, six...

Oh, baby brain. There she is.

Hello, Anne. Is this the bar

'cause it just
looks like tables?

Yes well, I haven't put out
any plastic cups yet.

Yeah, you know what,
forget it, let's just...

-forget the whole thing.
-Forget what?

Just forget
my whole stupid birthday.

R...really? Or just, um,
pretend really?

[Amanda] Ah, just could someone
get my f*cking spin bike

out of my f*cking
car please? Just...

[Julia] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Nice glove. What are you doing,
waiting for your falcon?

It's Garry's. What do you want?

We came early,
Liz said you were making

some pre-fundraiser drinks.

-What?
-Liz.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

You can't bring that in here.

Goodness me,
my mother is at home.

I don't want her to go blind
as well as senile.

[Marion] I can hear you.

Evening, Marion.

[Julia] Hey.

Notice anything different?

You've had a wash.

No, my finial.

Garry restored it.

Can't quite believe
he's gone yet.

-Don't really think it's--
-Where's the booze?

[Kevin] Got any juice?

Goodness me, what are you 12?

Do you want a cheese string
as an accompaniment?

No, I'm cycling.
I can't drink and ride

but when I get to Hayward's
Heath, lock up your bottles.

Kevin's on one.

Jill and I have finally
got a schedule

she can't legally
get out of.

She's got the girls,
which means

the weekend's mine
to do with as I please.

I can have a lie in,
change the bed,

do a shop, get the car washed.

-[Liz] Cheers to that.
-Hmm.

[Kevin] Oh.

Fancy a banana, Kevin?

Oh, sorry.
It's for the potassium.

I'm hoping to win the cup

for the fastest leg again.
God, I love cycling.

I can't cycle.
My labia are too thin.

It's a thing, look it up.

I have the opposite problem,
mine are too chubby.

It's a hell of a hoof
in a leotard.

Hmm...Right come on. Drink up,

I've gotta meet Sam at nine,

I'm gonna load up on Anne's
soggy sausage rolls

before I do a runner.

So, when are we gonna
get to meet this,

um, legendary shepherd?

Go on, invite him along.

No, no. Never mix
business with pleasure.

And by business,
I mean school fundraisers

and by pleasure, I mean penises.

I don't think
Kevin got that memo.

[dance music playing]

Thanks. Sorry about
the state of me,

I've not been home yet,

I'll pop back in a bit
and get changed.

-Hiya.
-Yo.

Oi oi. Life and soul
of the party.

Where's Kev?

Oh, I think he's doing,
um, an adrenaline sh*t.

Hi guys. It's, um, 3.50,

sorry about the state of me.
I've not been back home yet

I'll pop back in a bit
and get changed.

-I'll get hers, yeah.
-[Anne] Okay.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Are you going in or not?

We can't arrive together.

I think it's fine, Amanda.

Well, go in then.

Hi, Kevin. It's 3.50.

Yeah, sorry about state of me,
I've not been back home yet.

I'll like c*ck back, uh--
pop back soon and get changed.

-[Kevin] Thanks, Anne.
-Thank you.

[Mrs. Lamb] Bit of hush please,
everyone.

She's here,
the hero of the hour.

♪ For she's
A jolly good fellow ♪

[everyone] ♪ ...For she's
A jolly good fellow. ♪

♪ For she's
A jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so say all of us.

[Kevin] Three cheers for Meg
for smashing cancer.

Hip hip...

[everyone] Hooray!

-[Kevin] Hip hip...
-[everyone] Hooray.

-[Kevin] Hip hip...
-Hooray.

[Mrs. Lamb] Great stuff,
now back to the main event.

Let's cycle to Brighton.

[woman screams]

Oh, calm down, it's
just a starter p*stol. Jesus.

Okay, here we go.

Three...

[everyone] ...two, one.

Could you just watch the door
for a sec while I go and pee?

I've just got here.

[upbeat music playing]

[Kevin] I'm up next. Are you
gonna cheer me on?

Do you want a nut?

What's the matter with you?

Oh, is this about that builder?

Please don't say
you're banging the builder.

It's worse than that.
I'm not banging the builder.

So, you're imagining
banging the builder.

You don't know Garry
like I know Garry.

I know builders.
Lee's a builder.

Well, technically a plasterer

but it's like a builder but

they're not allowed power tools.

Hope those glutes
are burning, Lila's mom.

Uh, next up,
Kevin Brady.

Ardingly to Haywards Heath
I'm gonna smash you up.

Whoo.

[parents cheering]

[woman] Go on, Kev.

-We going?
-Yeah.

[man] Hey, happy birthday,

-you old sod.
-[man 2] Aww...

thanks mate.
it's so good to see you.

-[Liz sighs]
-Ooh.

-[chuckles]
-[Liz] Reminiscing?

"I'm in Homebase,
need anything?"

"No, got the screws."

Hey, thank you, it's private.

You're not actually serious
about this guy?

Garry? Yeah 100%,

I mean...yeah he's...

Oh, my God,
he's so lovely.

He's, like...
He makes me feel

so fizzing...

you know, it's like
I've been in a coma

and he's just woken me up.

You have been in a coma,
it's called adult life.

Yes, kids and bills
and citalopram and Radio Two.

I mean, oh my God,
what is it all for?

Where is our reward?

We're just gonna
all bobble around

then drop down with a stroke.
Yes, I want Garry.

[Meg] You're such a dirt.

I can't believe you're gonna
pin your middle age freak out

on a bloke who fixes your bog.

Yeah, you might
as well fall in love

with the bloke
at the Texaco garage.

Hmm. Liz, love, you're
not gonna put me off him.

I-- I can't unsee the things
he's shown me.

My God, what's he shown you?

A bit of silicone? A new U-bend?

You're dreaming, mate.

He hasn't given you
a second thought.

[Julia] Yes, he has actually.

For your info
he's asked for my email.

-Ooh.
-So you know,

I'm gonna get it on with Garry.

Okay, so you know what I think
you need to do?

I think you need to see
your husband more often.

No, uh, he's an as*h*le.

He's not a total as*h*le.
I mean...

my God, he didn't bat an eyelid
when your mum moved in.

Her taking over your bedroom,

hanging her big grey
knickers over your radiators.

I think I should just talk
to Paul, I think I should.

I think I just need to be open,
I just...

Siri, call Paul.

-Siri, no.
-Thank you, Meg.

-She won't do it.
-Siri, can you call Paul.

No. Stop her.

-[Julia] Oh! What are you doing?
-[Meg] Get it.

-[Meg sighs]
-[Liz grunts]

[Julia] You're crushing me.

I'm gonna tell Mrs. Lamb.
Ah.

-Got it.
-Great.

[horn blares]

Whoo. Yes.

Give it up for Rose's dad.

I did it. Whoo.

Guys did you s...Guys?

Hey, hey.
Amanda, did you see...

Hi, Kevin. Great ride.

Uh, can I get you
something to drink?

Aperol spritz,
espresso martini, snakebite?

I'll have one of each.

[Anne] Ooh.

I'm gonna get leathered tonight.

[Anne] Oh.

Hey, when's...when's Amanda's
surprise happening?

Oh, um, it's not happening now.

She said she didn't want a fuss.

I think. There you go.

Ooh...

That's a big drink.

Oh, uh, did you want them
separately?

Nah. It's all right...

[Julia] Please just give me
my phone back.

I'm gonna text Garry
that you hate him.

[Julia] Oh my God, you're being
an absolute b*tch.

Oh, bollocks. It's 9 o'clock.
I've got to meet Sam.

Oh my God.
Garry's emailed me.

He's sent me an email.
[laughs]

Oh...it's just an invoice.

Five grand?

He's charging you five grand
for granny proofing your bog.

How much overtime?

No, that was just we...
well, we had, um,

a beer in the garden
it's just a...

Oh my God.
What an arsehole invoice.

No, I think it's just admin,
I don't think it means...

[Meg] No, no, no.
According to this invoice,

he's not the man for you.

He's charged you
£600 for a finial.

What's a ratted finial?

Meg, it's a...
it's an architectural, uh...

I don't know.

I told you, builders,
you can't trust any of 'em.

Right, I'm off to meet
an actual man

who actually wants
to sleep with me.

Slag.

Liz, Liz, hey. How do I get in?

What are you doing here?

I-- I said I'd meet you
at the pub.

Well I'm--

I thought we could get off
behind the bike sheds you know.

What you thought
I'd like to get groped

where my son parks
his scooter? Not particularly.

Oh, come on, let me in.

No, no it's...

I'll come out.

Well, uh, come on. I want
to see your kid's classroom

and the tiny little chairs.

No, no, it's-- it's lame.

Come on, I wanna meet
your mates. Let me in.

-No.
-[Sam] Don't be a d*ck.

What you embarrassed
about me or something?

[Liz] No, no.

I just don't want
you to see my...

shitty life.

You know, I don't want
in here contaminated

with verrucas and bogeys
and Amanda.

I wanna keep you
out there, separate.

On a tractor or something.

-I'm coming in.
-What are you doing?

You can't stop me.

Oh my God. Don't. You'll crush
your bits, you d*ck.

It's okay. You don't want kids
anyway, do you?

-Oh, oh.
-[Sam] Oh, sh...

[Liz] Oh, my God.

Is that meant to impress me?

Yes. Come on.

I wanna see these tiny chairs
and your stupid friends.

Well, guess I may as well
go home then.

Well, um,
unless you want to man the bar.

Yeah, that's what
I wanna be doing,

serving own brand spirits
behind a bloody trestle table

on my birthday.

I mean, look at me.

You said
you didn't want to celebrate.

I didn't but, come on...

This is it?

Baby needs feeding and
I haven't even done the bins.

Oh, God.

-Why'd you even bring it?
-It?

-Him.
-Her!

-Her then.
-Well, you'd know she was

a girl if you even bothered
to learn her name.

What do you mean?

I'm so tired, I can't
even feel my own eyes.

What's my baby's name, Amanda?

-What?
-What's my baby's name?

-What are you saying?
-What's my baby's name?

Are you saying I don't know
your baby's name?

[Anne] What's my baby's name?

Stop it, Anne.
You sound like a robot.

What's my baby's name?

I have got an awful lot
on my mind right now.

What's my baby's name?

S...something Irishy.

-What's my baby's name?
-You're scaring me, Anne.

[Anne] What's my baby's name?

Uh, f...

What's my baby's name?

I don't know
your baby's name, Anne.

-It's Niamh.
-[Amanda] Well...

how am I expected
to know that?

'Cause you're her Godmother.

Please don't shout
at me on my special day.

Jesus Christ. Is it your
special day or isn't it

because I'm here on my own
doing everything

and I haven't even had a chance
to drop the baby home

so I can have my one night out
on the town

on top of organizing
a whole surprise party

for a 39th birthday that you
seem to want one moment

but not the next
and I wouldn't mind,

you're not even 39 you're 41.

You big blond stupid cow.

Hi, um, Garry, it's Julia.

Hoo-lia. [laughs]

Um, it's a funny thing.

f*ck.

[IVR] Message deleted.

To rerecord your message,
press one.

Hi, Garry, um, it's, um,
Julia Johnson here.

Um, it's twenty past nine
on the ninth of, um...

I cannot believe
you're coming on to me here.

Amanda, wait.

Amanda.

[Amanda] Kevin,
I am not interested.

For goodness' sake I just came
to see if you were all right

because I care as a--
as a friend-- as a human being.

Not because we made love.

[Amanda] Shh. You-- You...

God, you want
the whole world to know.

-Well I...
-[Amanda] I don't.

Right well that's...

you know what, I'm not ashamed.

We enjoyed each other's bodies.

It was good, not the greatest,

twice.

No strings attached.
I've no regrets. We're adults.

I was feeling jubilant, you were
feeling needy, big deal.

Get over it, Amanda,
because I have, okay?

And you can stop sulking
in the children's toilets.

It's your bloody birthday so...

get out here
and bloody enjoy it.

[Amanda]
Johnny's getting married.

I just found out today.

Oh.

Ouch.

Gosh, I'm...

I'm sorry.

He told you
on your bloody birthday?

-Yeah.
-You know I'm not one

to bad mouth anybody but...

what a w*nk*r.

Thank you, Kevin.

I needed that.

Oh, my God.

Hi, Garry, it's Julia here.
Um, I just wanted to

really say thank you.

Um, not just for your, um,
hard work and your...

exemplary craftsmanship
but also, um...

because I...

I haven't really felt
anything for a long time. I...

I haven't, I haven't felt loved
and I...

I haven't, I haven't
actually,

really felt very, um...

um, lovable.

And, um,

I mean, I know--
I know you don't, um,

love me. I...

I don't even think
you like me very much.

I think it's 'cause I think you
probably find me quite creepy

which, um,
I probably am, it's quite..

Uh, anyway I just...

I just wanted to say
that you made me feel

something and I really,
really loved that, so...

I think-- I think
it's locked, Anne, love.

I just called Amanda a cow
and I think I liked it.

Eh?

She can organize her own
fecking surprise birthday.

I've had it up
to the back teeth, you know?

What has she
got to be p'ed off about?

With all her hair and
the-- the fellas.

You're beautiful
when you're angry Anne.

Kevin banged Amanda up
the back of HyggeTygge.

-Eh?
-Hmm.

-No.
-Yes.

Uh...our Kevin

and that Amanda?

Yeah, I know, right? Lucky her.

Who hasn't imagined that curly
head in between their thighs?

Actually, everyone hasn't
imagined that, Anne.

Oh, my days.

What, well don't tell anyone.

My God, no. Of course
I wouldn't tell...

Oh my God, I'm still
on Garry's voicemail.

Of course, I would not do that.
I wouldn't tell anybody.

Oh, my God,
I can't wait to tell the guys.

Hold the door please. Oh, no.

[crowd]
Meg! Meg! Meg!

Move, move, move...

Oh Sam, this is that bell end

I was telling you about.
Julia, this is Sam.

Oh Sam, so nice to meet you.
Hello, I just...

I just need to borrow my pal,
just for a second.

Kevin and Amanda bumped,

his p*nis in-- in--
into her vag*na hole.

-f*ck off.
-Hey, hey, hey.

Where the hell were you when
I busted a gut for the PTA?

What? Why are you--
why are you staring at me?

Thank you, Jade's mum.

We made it to Brighton.

Now, here's the president
of our PTA

to present the cup
for tonight's fastest leg.

Hi everyone. What a night.

Okay, um,

before I give this fab cup
to the lucky winner,

I just want to say,
thank you so much

to everyone for coming,

particularly
my dear parent in arms,

Anne.

Anne has been beavering away,
much appreciated,

despite having baby, Ni...

and being hugely pregnant.

Yeah, so she's really hormonal.

But tonight isn't
all about you, Anne.

It is about us, the parents,

for giving up our
spare time to...

make a g*dd*mn difference guys.

-So yay.
-[audience cheering]

Yeah, yeah.

So, without further ado

it is my great honor

to award this trophy
to this year's fastest leg.

It's like the Oscars.
And the winner is...

Kevin Brady.

-[everyone cheering]
-Yes!

-Get up there, Kev.
-[Kevin] Come on.

Try to keep it clean.

Yes. Wow, yes. Thank you.

Um, uh, can I just say,

and I don't think you'll mind
me telling everyone,

um...

it's actually
this lady's birthday today.

Um, she's being very modest

because she's had a bit of year

let's-- let's face it.

Uh, and she could've been
out today at Pizza Express

with her gal pals,

but she gave up her
big day to be here with us.

So, I think that it's only right

that she should kick off
the after-show party

with the first dance.

[dance music playing]

Are you kidding me, Anne?

Wait you seriously
want me to do my dance

that got 400 likes on TikTok.

What are you like?
I don't even know

if I can even remember it.

Just stay down...
just do this.

Oi. Julia.

You're letting yourself down.
Get off me.

Let me hold your cup.

Come on.

You're embarrassing
yourself, Julia.

-Oi, oi.
-Hey.

Pauly Walnuts.

Bloody hell. Never seen him
on school soil.

Hey, mate. You look great.

Hey, Keith.

-[Julia] Hi, babe.
-Heya.

Why are you-- Why are you here?
You...is there...

am I late? Was I supposed
to be somewhere?

No, I just thought I'd sneak out
and join you. Kids are in bed.

Your mom's watching
Millionaire.

Oh, okay.

I mean how often do we get
to have a night out together?

Yeah, God. Yep.
[blows raspberry, chuckles]

You all right?

I need to tell you something.

Yeah.

I need to...

tell you...

[Paul] Yeah?

Um...

Is this
about the builder, Julia?

Yes.

How did you know?

'Cause you've been
drooling over him for weeks.

It's been like
living with a teenager.

Uh, I-- I want to
be with him, Paul.

I-- I need to be with Garry.

I know.

'Cause I want to be
with him too.

[Julia] I'm serious, Paul.

No, I'm serious.

[laughs] You d*ck!

No, I love him.

[laughs]

I love you, you idiot.

Come on.

Can we at least
get an extension?

[Liz] Maybe you should
show him the invoice first.

[Meg] Right, pub.

[Liz] Yes, pub.

[theme music playing]