03x04 - School Trip

[bunniefuu]

Who's this guy now?

Oh, he's Connell
from Normal People.

Oh.

Oh, yeah course. Yeah.

He looks like him, doesn't he?

Ah, little peach.
Loving the peach costume Rose.

See you then. Have a good day.

She looks great.

What's the book, Kev?

Have you read
Call Me by Your Name,Anne?

I have, yeah, years ago.

I don't remember anything
about a peach though.

-Oh.
-Very funny, Liz.

It's James and the Giant Peach,
of course.

Rose, Rose, remember,
try not to sit down.

Love you.

Move quicker.

Shh...

Did you forget?

No.

No, not at all. Just...

haven't got my bits and bobs
out yet, so...

silly.

Oh!

It's the umbrella.

It's a book by Will Self.

Off you go then.

Here we go.

There.

And that's, uh,

that's, that's
Where's Wally?suddenly...

So, right.

Bye, guys.

[music playing]

Ooh, uh, decaf, please.

No caffeine for me
for another year.

Oh, god, I'm sick
of March already.

It's just constant
dress-up, children's parties,

then it's bloody
Easter egg hunts

and then to top it off
it's sh1tting Mother's Day.

You gonna turn down your Mother
of the Year award again then?

[Kevin] I love Mother's Day.

I love that there's one day
that the world remembers

they came out of a woman.

What, what are you
gonna be doing, Liz?

Lee's got the kids this year,

so I'm hoping they'll
get diarrhea in time.

-Get off.
-[Meg] Well, I'm gonna be

totally spoilt because
I'm a brilliant mum...

and I've got cancer so...

[Kevin] I refuse to do
anything this year,

let bloody Jill see
what she's bloody missing.

Oh, Amanda,

are you doing anything lovely
for Mother's Day?

Yeah. Actually, yeah,

I'm having lunch
with my mother.

She's, uh, coming down
from Cheltenham especially.

You've got a mother?

I always assumed you
were hatched in a laboratory.

I'm gonna take that
as a compliment, Liz.

Great.

You doing anything
nice for Mother's Day?

My mammy's coming over, yeah.

I've told her all
about your café.

She can't wait to meet you.

Only two more sleeps.

Until what,
you get your skin tags off?

No, till Mother's Day.

Aww...

All my favorite things
in one day.

My mammy,

a lie-in, breakfast in bed,
opening presents,

kisses from the children,

a pound of marzipan,
bobbing for apples,

kittens for the day,
walnuts...

I think Anne's malfunctioning.

[Anne] ...a roll down the hill.

Beer o'clock. [laughs]

[laughs]

Actually, I've only
got red wine, but

I don't mind opening it,

not at all. I've
got some cheese,

have a little cheese
plate out in the garden or,

or we could watch that
new documentary, um,

about the octopus.

Yeah, thanks, but, uh,

gotta get going.

Yeah, no, of course.

I said I'd watch it
with mother anyway.

You, you doing anything
nice for Mother's Day?

Sorry,

I'm assuming that you
have a mother, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, I do.
It's just me

and my five brothers
going round to Mum's.

There's six of you?

Are you all builders?

No, no, just me.

One's an accountant,
three are firemen...

-Three are firemen?
-Yeah.

-Three are firemen?
-Yeah.

-Three are firemen?
-Yeah.

-[Laughs] Firemen.
-Hmm.

Oh, my god.

Yeah. Uh, I, I found this,
do you want it?

-For me?
-It's just a...

spare tap. I found it
in the back of a van.

I, I noticed the
one in the en suite

was knackered so...

I was only gonna
dump it otherwise.

Oh, my god.

I, I love it.

Thank you so much.

All right.
I'll see you Monday then.

Okay. Yeah.

Thank you, Garry,
that's a date. A day.

A day in the calendar.

Thank you, Garry. Bye.

[Julia] Children, breakfast
is ready. Come on.

Mum, Mother.

[Marion] Yes.

Your porridge is ready.

[Marion] Ooh, lovely.

-And did you make it with milk?
-Yeah.

[Marion] Oh, no, I can't have it
with milk, love.

Why are you calling me
from upstairs?

[Paul] Julia, why are the
kids on the trampoline?

You know I need bed
rest after the vasectomy.

Paul, love, you are aware
it's Mother's Day, yes?

[Paul] Oh, sh*t,
I've gotta call my mum.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh.

Are they for me?

Why are you all tarted up?

Oh, your sister's
FaceTiming me at 11.

Oh, they're lovely.

Thank you, Julia.

Happy Mother's Day, Mother.

Look. All my love, Emily.

Both of us.

It just says, Emily.

Oh, Emily,

what a total b*tch.

[Sam] Is it weird doing
Mother's Day without the boys?

Yeah.

They always make
me a crappy little card.

Charlie brings me
a bowl of dry cereal in bed,

usually around 4 am.

Well, why didn't
Lee swap weekends

with you so you could have them?

Because he's a c*ck and a d*ck.

Ah, double p*nis.

Fancy a spontaneous trip
to London?

Ah, it's lambing season.
I can't really leave.

You can come here though.

You might even get to see
a little lamb being born.

Ooh, tempting.

It's actually a bit of
a miracle.

You get to see them appearing
and take their first breaths.

I've seen enough placenta

dragged out of my
own vag*na, thanks.

So, what do you think,
we could meet up halfway?

Uh, what's halfway up the M4?

Chippenham Lorry Park.

Oh, they've got showers.

Sounds almost too romantic.

Ooh, your wife's calling.

-All right, speak to you soon.
-Speak soon. Bye.

I am going for a bath.

Oh, there's no hot water.

-Eh?
-And you've run out of milk.

Mother, you literally just said

you can't have
milk in your porridge.

Yeah, but
I can't drink black tea.

Jesus Christ.

Open up, it's the pigs.

Happy Mother's Day.

Oh, shove it up your hole.

Have you got any milk

-I could borrow, please?
-Yeah.

I also have a Bloody Mary
you can borrow.

Bloody, yes.

Oh, my God.

You guys make me want to puke.

Here,
this'll settle your stomach.

Thanks.

[knock on door]

Oh, sh*t, what's happened?

Oh, no, no, nothing, sorry,

-I was just checking in.
-Oh.

You, okay? What you up to?

Just thinking about drinking.

What's the earliest you
can start if you're not

officially an alcoholic?

Friday night?

No, I-- I usually just
stick to the weekends

but I'm the wrong
person to ask.

I only drink for fun. Uh...

Happy Mother's Day.

Ah, thanks.

You know I'm not
your mom, right?

They arrived for bloody Jill,

'cause I forgot to cancel the
standing order at the florist.

Seriously, it took all my might

not to make a fuss of her.

Normally it's,
you know, breakfast in bed,

homemade chocolates,
I keep the kids out the way

so she can properly chill
then, usually, she watches

Point Breakon her own,
she loves that film.

Tell me
you didn't do any of that.

No, of course not.

Well, actually, I did-- I did

make breakfast.

I-- I was just on autopilot.

I left it in the kitchen though.

Bloody Jill can
bloody get it herself.

You need to toughen up, Kev.

Get some lessons from my ex
on how to be a thoughtless,

self-obsessed piss bag.

I can't believe he wouldn't
let you have the boys today.

Hmm, I can.

This is the bloke who went

on his stag do during
our honeymoon.

-Poor old you.
-No.

Not seeing Sam Shepherd
this weekend?

Nah, he's knee-deep
in sheep placenta.

Shall we do something?

We've got
a completely free day. We...

we could do anything,
we god damn, please.

Yeah, all right.

Like what?

Visit my mom?

So, I've got my last lot
of chemo next week,

then I find out
if I need an op to lop it off.

-Hey, no, you won't need that.
-Well, if I do,

then as a booby prize, they
can give me a new booby.

Ooh, that's, uh...

why are you looking at porn?

I'm researching
my new rack.

I've got the search history
of a 14- year-old boy.

Oh, if I was
offered a free boob job

I'd go like, you
know, the whole hog.

The full Sam Fox.

Yeah, no, I was thinking
more the other way,

but not too flat like you
because you're like concave.

Thank you.

Yes, no, they
did rather give up

the ghost after, uh,
the breastfeeding.

Ooh,
that drink looks

delicious.

Can, can I stay here forever?

Your Mother's Day

is just much, much, much
better than mine.

How come I don't
get spoilt like this?

Christ, I had


When she came out, she was like

the same size as my own torso.

Well, you reap what you sow
or in your case, sew.

[phone chimes]

Paul,

toilet roll.

[phone chimes]

ASAP. Sorry,

what, what, what did
I sow to deserve this?

Is this, um...
please can I stay here?

No, get out.

Cool.

I'm just, I'm just gonna take...

Cheers, my dears.

Would it help if I told you that

they'd never done a Mother's Day
like this before?

Uh, yeah, maybe a bit.

I think they're just
making a special effort

because it might
be my last one ever.

God, no. No.

It's true.

D'you know, I once, um,
laid down on the kitchen floor

over there, just laid down

just to see
if anyone would notice

and actually, they all just, um,

stepped over me, so in
the end I just sort of lay there

looking at all the sh*t under...

the cupboards.

[Ivy] Give it back.
Give it back.

No, get your own.

-Hiya.
-[Paul] Julia?

Did you get bog roll?

Can you run it up here?

Do you want a water?

Mint?

Sick bag? Condoms?

I've got them all
for the Uber driving.

I'll have a water, please.

Just so you know,

even though I'm not gonna
charge you for this drive,

I will need you
to rate me five stars.

Mommy.

Hello, Darling,
I'm so sorry I'm late.

-I totally forgot.
-Ahh!

It's fine, it's
only 20 minutes,

we should make it.
Hopefully.

Oh, Darling, you look so tired.

I'm fine.

Okay.

I'm fine.

Are you gonna come in
and say hi to the kids?

We, we should hurry.
I'll shout up to them.

Hello, babies.

Love you, love you.

So good to see you.

-Shall we go?
-Yeah.

Uh, Johnny,

I'm off now.

Bye, guys.

Oh, is Johnny not coming with?

Well, no,

I thought we...

well, who'd-- who'd
look after the children?

Oh, that is a shame.

And we're getting a divorce,
Mum.

Yes, I keep forgetting.
Poor Johnny.

Right, shall we go?

Riverside Café, exciting.

Ah, they were full,

but I have got us a table at

Fed and Watered which
is just on the High Street.

-Oh, that is a shame.
-Mum, I tried my best

and we were actually
lucky to get a table anywhere

-even though I booked weeks ago.
-Oh, Darling, I'm so sorry,

-I am grateful.
-Okay.

And as long as I get to see you.

Now, quickly, get ready,
I'll wait in the car.

I am ready.

[Liz]
Weird being in the countryside.

I don't actually hate it.

[Kevin] Ooh, ooh, ooh,
stop, here we are.

[Liz] Is your mom a vicar?

No, Liz.

She's dead.

She loved nuts.

Anything salty.

That's probably what
k*lled her in the end.

How old were you when she died?

Eight.

Ah, Kev.

My dad married again
about a year later.

They live in Spain now.

Probably to get away from me.

Does she like salty nuts?

Nah, she's more of
a Wagon Wheel woman.

Sweet tooth.

She couldn't be more different
to my lovely mum.

My step-mum couldn't tell me
and my brother Adrian apart,

so she just used to
call us both Adrian.

I used to hide her slipper,

just-- just the one.

She-- she'd spend
hours looking for it

and I'd just sit there knowing
it was under my pillow.

Hey, you know
what you should do?

What, hide Jill's slipper?

She'd have my guts for garters.

No, get back out there,
sow some oats.

Oh, no bloody way.

Why not?

See if you can move on

mentally and physically.

No, no, Liz,
no, I couldn't bear it.

The smell of another woman,

the feel of her hair,

-her hand on my...
-All right, Kev.

On my chest, Liz.

God.

Sorry, Mum.

Nah, that's it for me.

I've had my fill with Jill.

Can we open those nuts?

Yeah.

Can I do anything?

Oh, goodness, no,
it's Mother's Day.

Mothers shouldn't have to
lift a finger on Mother's Day.

Food.

Ooh, come on then.

Well, this looks lovely.

Oh, I'm sorry Mum,

I'm sorry that your daughter
isn't Heston Blumenthal.

-What's for pudding?
-Huh, no pudding, no,

we'll just be having a seminar
and living in the moment.

Pizza? Who ordered pizza?

-Pizza.
-[Paul] Is that my pizza, Julia?

[Amanda] Look!

Georgie is just mad about
street dance.

Wait, there's something else
I wanted to show you.

That's Madison's drawing of
the Houses of Parliament.

Darling, when you WhatsApp
photos of the children,

they go straight
into my camera roll.

-Oh, that's handy.
-How do I stop that happening?

I feel bad deleting them.

Chardonnay
for the beautiful sisters.

Oh, you are sweet.

-Isn't he sweet, Amanda?
-Hmm.

Have you decided?

D'you want to share
the fig and chorizo salad?

I'm not a fan of chorizo.

I think I'll have the
mushroom velouté

and a sparkling water, please.
Thank you, Darling.

-Goats cheese salad, please.
-Merci.

So, Darling,

how are you with the
divorce and everything?

-Oh, well...
-[phone chimes]

Oh, it's Tinder.

-God. Mum.
-It's from a David.

He sounds lovely.

-Great.
-Darling, dating apps

-are a gamechanger.
-Mummy, please, I really

don't want to see, it's actually
making me feel a bit ill.

Oh, come on.

You're getting divorced,

you'll soon be doing
exactly the same, you just wait.

I won't, Mummy.
This is still so raw

for me and Johnny. I, uh...
[sighs]

We still have so much respect
for each other and...

You sound exactly like I did

when I was going through it
with your father.

This is very different
to your divorce from Daddy.

It's exactly the same.

He'd had his fill of me,
and I was discarded.

You should take him
for everything he's got.

Mummy, I'm not being discarded,

and this is not about money.

Is that what he said?

I always said
Johnny was no good.

No, you didn't,
you said you loved him,

and you said if you
were 10 years younger,

-I'd have to watch my back.
-Five years younger.

Voila.

Can I get you anything else?

[both] Another dry white wine,
please.

The girls
would love it here.

If I pass my driving test,

I can take them
to places like this.

It always p'ed Jill
off that I couldn't drive,

or swim, or grow a beard.

Actually, to be
fair, that last one

was out of my hands,
she hates stubble.

I'll teach you to drive.

Would you?

I'm not a complete novice,

I've had, I've had about




For the price of them, you
could've just hired a chauffeur.

It's reversing that stymies me.

I'm absolutely
fine going forwards

but for some reason going
backwards terrifies me.

It's the same with
swings, going up,

exhilarating, coming down,

-no, thank you.
-Oh, god,

Sam keeps texting me
pictures of baby lambs.

Let me see.

There.

Still in the birth bag.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Life from life. That your,

your body can make another body.

Yeah, tell that to the ewe,

she just made four legs of
lamb and a pound of chops.

Poor lamb.

The girls and I
are vegetarian now.

Not Jill, she's always
the last at the table,

sucking the living daylights
out of a plate of ribs.

Do you think he's trying
to tell me something?

I don't wanna plop
out any more kids, Kev.

I'd have loved another baby.

-How old's Sam?
-37.

Yeah, I was exactly the same
at that age, very broody.

Jill said she'd rather
have laser eye surgery.

I've only just reclaimed
control of my pelvic floor,

I can finally sneeze
without pissing myself.

Hey,
do you wanna drive us back, Kev?

-What, really?
-Yeah, come on, new you.

Okay.

-Okay, let's do this.
-All right.

Relax.

My mum always said,
you wouldn't bump into anyone

as you're walking about,
would you?

So just don't bump into
any other cars.

Okay, come on, Kevin,
you can do this.

So, indicate. [sighs]

Indicators and mirrors.

Check the road ahead

and here we go.

Oh, my God.

Well,

that was really lovely.

Oh, god, it was absolute sh*t,
Mother.

Sorry, I was just trying to...

it would just be,
just be so lovely

if-- if my family,
you know, just

could pretend that
they like me just

for one day.
Maybe serve me

Bloody Marys,

put my face on a t-shirt.

You don't have children
to be liked, Julia.

Well then what's the blinking
point of having kids

if they don't friggin' like you?

Look at us,
you didn't talk to me

from the age of 13 to 22.

You were a monster, Julia.

I locked myself
in the toilet once

to get away from you

and you kicked the
door off the hinges.

Did I? Goodness, I
don't remember that.

Why were you
hiding in the toilet?

It was the only room with a key.

And look at us now,
you look after me.

You let me stay in your house,

give me your bedroom

and your en suite.

Mother, I don't want
to wait until

I'm infirm for my children
to give a sh*t about me.

Oh, my god,

they used to think the sun
shone out of my arsehole.

All I had to do was fart
and Ivy's face lit up,

but now if I fart in front of
them, they look at me like

Melania looks at Donald.

You'll get them back

and it'll all be worth it, hmm?

I promise.

[Marion farts]

Oh, pop a cork in it, Mother.

Would you like to see
the dessert menu?

[both] No, thank you.

-Just the bill.
-D'accord.

[knocking on the window]

Happy Mother's Day.

This is my mammy.

I burned my hand
making toffee apples

so we're off to the A&E, yeah.

Is that your mammy?

Isn't she lovely.

We'll come in.

It's just Anne.

Amanda,

this is my mammy.

-Hi.
-Mammy,

this is Amanda's mammy.

No, way.

You look too young
to be a granny.

Not like me,

-I'm as old as the hills.
-[both laughing]

Thank you.

This is baby Niamh.

Isn't she a dote?

She was nine pounds exactly.

You didn't have any stitches
did you, Annie?

No, no, no. I'm pretty much
elasticated down there.

Would you like a little hold?

Oh.

Ooh.

[baby coos]

-Isn't mammy gorgeous?
-[chuckles]

You're lovely looking, Amanda.

-Oh.
-Leg's up to your armpits.

[chuckles] Such a slim thing.

I'm not.

Neither am I.

[both laughing]

All right, d*ck head,

you're on speakerphone
so don't say anything dirty.

All right. Check this out.

Oh, my God, what's that?

What, what, what? What's what?

Not you, Sam. Sam's lambing.

-Oh, God.
-Did you get my message?

[Sam]
Yes, I got your message,

but no, I don't
want a baby, Liz.

Right, so that's a definite no
to kids then?

Definitely not.

Anything else?

'Cause I'm sort of in the
middle of something here.

-Yeah, fine.
-Okay.

He doesn't want kids.

So that's that answer.

Oh, no. Do I stop?

You're a learner,
he can reverse.

No, kids is a good thing...

-isn't it?
-What do I do?

Just stick her in reverse,
Kevin.

I mean, why
doesn't he want kids?

Why doesn't he want kids
with me?

-Backwards?
-[Liz] I could have more kids.

I've got about 10 to 15 good
periods left in me I reckon.

I can't do it.
I can't, I can't reverse.

Oh, for god's sake, Kevin,

I'm having a
relationship crisis here.

Yes, I know, I know but he's
being really heavy on the horn.

All right, look, shove over,
I'll do it.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what, Liz?

I've gotta do this.

I've bloody got to grow a pair
and get my license.

I can't give Jill any excuses

to cut me out
of my girls' lives.

All right, look,
both hands on the wheel,

use your mirrors
and in your own time,

nice and easy, reverse.

[Kevin screams]

Kevin.

Oh, my God.
Kevin, stop screaming.

-[car honking]
-Oh. Oh.

[laughing] I did it.

I did it.

-I reversed.
-Yes.

-I reversed, Liz. [chuckles]
-Yes, all right.

Whatever happens with Jill,

I want custody of the kids.

I'll chain myself
to the Shard if needs be.

Yeah. You're the best
bloody mother I know.

Uh, do you mind if I drop
you off at the station?

I've just got an Uber booking.

Hey.

-I missed you.
-[car honks]

-Hello.
-Hello, babies.

Lovely to see you all.

Johnny, you look fantastic,
Darling.

See you on Tinder.

Mummy says
I should rinse you dry.

No, I didn't, Darling.

Don't listen to her,
she's just bitter.

-Nice lunch?
-Wonderful, wasn't it, Darling?

No, it wasn't,
it made me sad actually.

But whatever happens
with this divorce,

we won't let it
make our kids sad,

so thank you for that.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum.

She's quite right, you
should take me to the cleaners.

Can you imagine?

-Can I keep the house?
-No.

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

-Oh.
-Uh, Meg?

Yeah, no, I'll-- I can
take them over for her.

Happy Mother's Day again,
you lucky b*tch.

Oh,

oh, God, um...

it's the flowers, isn't it?

Uh, lilies, uh,
you hate lilies.

Okay. That's okay,

it's cool, I-- I can
take them away, I--

I didn't receive any
f*cking flowers, so...

I just want to say
from the offset,

I'm not very good with crying
or empathy.

I'm sorry.

It's just...

what if this really
is my last one?

No, no, no, it...

it-- it's not gonna be.

We don't know. [sobbing]

And in the meantime, you know,

I've gotta carry on
being fun Meg,

hot wife, supermum.

Whoa,
let's not get carried away.

[sighs]

I'm just so...

exhausted...

[sobbing] and I'm really
f*cking terrified, Julia.

Yes,
yes, look, look, listen,

of course, you are,
of course, you are,

but you are strong.

Okay, uh...

think about, you know,
Lance Armstrong,

you-- you know, he--
he was determined,

he had a positive mindset,
yes, yes, he's gonna, he's--

he's gonna go to hell,

yes, for sure,
but not for a long, long time

because he beat cancer.

Look, listen, right...

Come on, let's...

crack this little soldier open.

-Ooh.
-[both laughing]

To Lance Armstrong.

No, no, I'm not f*cking toasting
Lance Armstrong.

-Um...
-[laughing]

here's to all the amazing women
in our lives.

To the sisters
and the aunties

and the grandmas
and the teachers.

And to Lance Armstrong's mum.

Fine.

Happy Mother's Day.

Oh. [laughs]

[theme music playing]

-[Meg chuckles]
-[smooches]