03x02 - Catchment Area

[bunniefuu]

As difficult as this time is,

it's only by complying
with the guidelines;

combing,

shampooing,

combing again,
that we can reduce

the chance of these
nits spreading.

I'm now going to hand
you over to our expert

from the Lice Po-Lice,

-Laura Tumley.
-Thank you, Janet.

And I'm pleased to say that
there is some indication that

that nit curve
is starting to plateau.

Can we go to the
next slide please?

As you can see this
is our borough here...

I've actually never had nits.

Oh, my god, if I was a nit,
I'd be all over your head

like an all you can eat buffet.

...going to hand out some
leaflets in a second about that.

Thank you, Laura. Uh,
we can take some questions...

Uh, yes, Darius' mum?

What's the school doing
to protect against the spread?

If we find a live case,

the child's table
will be isolated.

They're sent home until
they've all been treated.

Next question please.

Don't be a d*ck.
We want to go home.

Yep, here. It's about
the grannies really. Um,

I have my mother
living with me,

albeit temporarily,
I'd like to stress that.

Do I have to do her as well?

Yeah.
Grandparent hair is thinner

and basically dead,
so they are less at risk,

but we do still advise
keeping your distance.

So, you're recommending,
according to the science,

that I should ask my
mother to move out?

[Laura] Uh...

Mm.

That's all we've got time for.

Laura does offer a nit blitz
shampooing service

if you're interested.

[Laura] Yes,
I have some leaflets here.

Cheers.

Jeez!

Three hundred pounds
for a shampoo party?

Who's doing it? Vidal Sassoon?
Jesus Christ.

It's just a couple
of piddly nits.

They're not even
life-threatening.

You can't die of nits--

You can die
from nits actually.

There was an old
woman in Kildare

and she scratched her head
so hard

she made a hole in her skull

and some dirt
got in it and k*lled her.

That is a harrowing
limerick, Anne.

[theme music playing]

I like telling Lee
he's got to get treated,

even when
the kids haven't got lice.

I tell him he's got to leave it
on for a week

and sleep upright,
and he totally does.

Dickhead!

Jill's always lice-free.

I think it's her scent.

She does eat
a lot of turmeric...

Or maybe it's
because she's never

in the same room
as you and the kids?

Well, that's not entirely...

no, actually you're right.

She comes in from work
and she's straight up

that loft ladder
like a chinchilla.

She loves that loft.

It's basically-- what's the
female equivalent of a man cave?

Panic room?

Hey, you know,
you could use this, Kev,

to get close to Jill, again.

Tell her she's got nits.

You know, wash her hair.
Could be intimate. Like Ghost.

That's a lovely idea, Liz,

but Jill can't abide
having her head touched.

Anything above the Adam's apple
is a no-go zone.

[Julia] Yo, yo.
All right, mateys?

Hey, nice hair, Gordon Gecko.

I was thinking more
Sharon Stone, thanks.

You're looking
very smart, Elizabeth.

Yeah, I had a job interview
in town. Shoe shop.

Oh, you're getting a job?

Kids are at school now
and I'm just sat at home, so...

You're having a "glow up".

-You what?
-Oh, my god.

Holly Willoughby was chatting
about it on This Morning.

You basically you have
three "glow ups" in your life.

It's like a life upgrade.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose
I am having a glow job.

[Julia] I'm going to have
a massive glowth spurt

when my mum moves out.

I mean, I love her
and everything, she's my mum,

but I can't wait for her to
eff off back to her own place.

-[chuckles]
-Aww, she's so brave, your mum.

Oh, goodness,
she's not brave, Kevin.

No, she's just got
a little heart thing

which means she
falls over willy nilly.

I mean,
that's not brave,

that's just a health condition.
I mean, if anyone's brave,

I'm brave. I'm the brave one.

I've let her use my bedroom
and my en suite.

I'm having to slum it
in the family bathroom

with my disgusting children.

Uh-oh.

Here comes evil Elsa
and her pet snowman.

Hello! What's going on here?

-Hm?
-With the, with the no...?

Oh no, I, um, I treated us
last half term.

Full monty, kids,
the toys, the pillows, Paul.

Right, 'cause you can't
just do it six weeks ago

and hope for the best, Julia.

I hate to agree with Amanda,

but that's like saying
"I took the pill once,

how can I possibly
be pregnant?"

Wow, goodness these nits,

really not my priority,
um, you know.

I'm busy working,
caring for the children,

tending to my
mother's sickly needs.

You should all thank your lucky
stars I've treated us at all.

Oh, god.

Bill doesn't
look his normal self.

-What do you think it is?
-Do you reckon he's ill?

-What's that? Who's ill?
-Bill.

Do you think Bill's ill, Kev?

We should ask your Jill,

see if she thinks Bill's ill.

I don't think Jill's met Bill.

[Julia] Hiya, mate.

All right, creeps? And Kevin.

I see you've all been
showering in Castrol GTX.

Someone hasn't.

Nit Stasi round here, isn't it?

Is Bill all right, Meg?

Yeah. Why?

We were just thinking...
he looks a bit,

and please don't take
this the wrong way,

absolutely awful.

Yeah, he's fine.

He's just got his period.

[chuckles]

Oh, thank God.

That is some good news.

Oh, are you all right, Anne?

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-Anne.

It's just the thought of Bill.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just crying
all the time now.

I cried at You've Been Framed

when a man fell
over at a wedding.

I don't know what's
wrong with me.

Sounds like the baby blues.

You need a bit of "me" time.

Well, not... not me time,

you time, Anne time.

-Kevin, go away.
-Yep.

[Amanda gasps] Hello!

Daddy's here.

I'll get you
a biscuit or something.

I'm going to get you
some biscuit and a...

-A cake.
-A cake.

A cake.
Cake and a couple of biscuits.

All right, Lee.
Nitty Nora time again.

Oh, what?

You'll have to treat
any other poor f*ck

-you're sleeping with and all.
-Uh-huh.

Don't get it on your hands or
it'll burn through to the bone.

Bloody hell, look,
I can't take another week off.

Some people
do have work you know.

Yeah, well, I'm sure the
Lego factory will understand.

Hey,

Charlie said you had
some sort of "interview".

Go on, say what you have to say.

No, no, no, good for you.

I hear the job
market's crying out

for arsey, greasy northerners.

f*ck off, Lee.

What was the job anyway?
Chip shop?

-Goodbye, prick.
-Brylcreem factory? Lard farm?

Hey, listen,
tell me if you get it,

so I can adjust
my child support.

What, you mean start paying it?

I've booked Jill and I lunch

at that pop up raclette place.

It's like fondue,
but you can dip meat into it.

Or eggs.

Nothing says "romance" like
hot cheese dribbled on an egg.

Jill still blue-balling you
then, mate?

Julia!

No, gosh.
If it's any consolation,

Paul and I have been
celibate since mother moved in.

It turns out listening to a
pensioner cough through

a stud wall is
a total turn off.

I think a relationship
can survive without intercourse,

intimacy takes many forms.

A kind word,
the brush of a fingertip,

listening to Radio 4
together while I scrub the hob.

My relationship with
Sam the shepherd

is entirely based
on intercourse.

If you take out
the intercourse,

it's just alcohol in a caravan.

-[Mrs. Lamb] Ivy's mum?
-[Liz] Oh, sh*t.

A word?
Ivy's combed positive for nits

so I'm going to need
you to keep her off school.

Non possible,
I have to take mother

to the hospital tomorrow.

Same for Rosie and Charlie

and all of Topaz Table.

Hold on, you can't do this.

Sorry, what is this about
Manus being off school?

In line with school nit policy,

your children will
need to be kept off

until they've had a full
course of hair treatment.

I did mine last night!
Smell my scalp.

My whole house stinks
like a petrol pump.

Yes, well,

you're all going to have
to treat your children again.

Thanks a lot, Julia.

Whoa, whoa. I was not
necessarily the super spreader.

Patient zero could be your kid,

-Anne's kid.
-No, no, no, it can't be Darius.

We actually use nit shampoo as
everyday shampoo now.

As a preventative measure.

And as a body wash.

And as a laundry liquid.

And I know it's not Manus,

'cause I actually wash my
children's hair, Julia.

Actually, Amanda,
it's a well-known fact

nits thrive in clean hair.

Yeah, well,
it's a well-known fact

that's actually
a well-known myth, Julia.

Yeah, well...

yeah.

Hey, guys!

Can anyone take Ivy tomorrow?

It's only nits. Kev.

Don't, that's a dead
giveaway, mate.

[groans]

Let's go!

So, you know I'm
not one to pry, Anne,

but I was out last night
doing my 5k

when I saw Bill crying as
he was putting the bins out.

[muffled]
Did you check if he was okay?

You're spraying,
Anne. So, I think

there might be some kind of
trouble in paradise.

-Mm.
-I mean it figures,

he's so much older than her.

And Meg has some
strong sexual energy.

Put it this way -

I wouldn't blame
her for eating out

if what she's got is
so close to its sell-by date.

You're really putting a dent
in those digestives, Anne.

Are you eating your feelings?

Anne, if you're depressed,
there's no shame in it.

No, I'm not depressed.

It's actually almost cool
to be mental now.

Show me a celeb that
isn't on some kind of

selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors.

No, I'm not depressed.

I'm actually pregnant!

-What?
-[Anne] Mm-hmm.

-Anne, are you kidding?
-Mm-mm.

-[Amanda] You're pregnant?
-Mm-hmm.

-But you just had one.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

-Who does that?
-I don't know. [chuckles]

-But please don't tell a soul.
-No.

Because I haven't even told
my mammy yet, so...

No, no, no, no, no. You know me,
last word indiscresh.

Who would I even tell?

[Julia] No Gina,
that's not a problem,

Um, I'm sure
I can get it to you.

[Ivy] Can we go to the park now?

Um, yeah.

Uh, I'll do that now

and send over in PDF
at lunch, okay?

[Marion] But you're supposed
to be helping me pack.

Okay, thank you, Gina. Bye.

[Marion] I need a lie down.

How can a quick trip

to the hospital tire me out?

I should have asked your
consultant about my head lice.

She was a neurologist, Julia.

I mean, it's
all heads, isn't it?

Same, same.

Could you watch Ivy for me?

No, no.

Okay, park it is then, love!

Manus?

Gina, hi.

Didn't get it?

Gosh, that's weird.
I absolutely did send it.

Um...

just, um...

give me your email again.

I'm just typing it in now.

Okay, so that's going to be
with you end of playtime today.

Yes, okay.

Bye Gina, bye now.

Oh, my god.

Yes, so we're unclean.

She's disgusting, deal with it.

You look like
an angry purple sleeping bag.

Yeah, well, honestly.
It is-- It's ridiculous.

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I'm used to being treated like
a turd in a swimming pool.

I mean, come on, grow up!

Charlie and Max
have been uninvited

from Manus' trampoline party.

My girls, too.

Ooh, soz about that, guys.

Your kids have been
uninvited too.

Hey? What?

No! No, I really
need that Saturday.

I'm moving mum
out of my house. Amanda?

Distance, please.

Hey, team Topaz Table.

So, we're all in it together.

I'm only in it because
you put me in it, thank you.

You're welcome.

So, let's talk Manus' party.

Cancelled.

I couldn't live with myself
if I brought this infestation

to Trampoline Land.

Most of the class pulled out
when they heard about the nits.

Julia, you've set off a chain
of catastrophic events,

the repercussions of which will
echo down the years to come.

Hey? Like what?

Well, like,
when someone asks Manus

what did you do for
your 11th birthday?

He will have to say, "Nothing,"

because somebody's
mummy dropped the ball.

What human
remembers what they did

for their 11th birthday?

What did you do
on your 11th birthday?

I was working down the mine
like every other year.

I went go-karting in a tractor.

Think of the kids, the kiddies,

their sad faces.

You should've thought
about them, Julia,

before you allowed
this tragedy to unfurl.

Anne, come on, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

[Amanda] Back up with your nits.

Yes.

Let's not let our emotions get
in the way of practicalities,

because we should
all be sticking together.

I know, I can book, um...

I can book a nit blitz party.

Yeah? Today? Tomorrow.

Tomorrow. You can get all
the infected children

and infected parents,

we'll hire the Po-Lice lady
and we'll just, you know,

smash the sh*t
out of these nits.

It'll be lots of good fun.
At yours, Kevin?

Jill would go nuts.

Don't even think about it.

Cool, yeah, I'm cool to host,
so that's good. You in?

We'll think about it, Julia.

All you can eat crisps, Anne?

That does sound
like fun actually.

[Julia] Yeah, so it's your basic
one-way system.

We come through the hall into
the kitchen for your de-lousing

and then we move on through

into the sitting room

for your drink
and nibble reward.

It's like Ryanair,
but with booze and snacks,

and somewhere to sit.

Yeah, one or two hours tops,
and then we're back on track.

Back to school, Manus party on.

So, tell me Laura,

how does one get
into the nit business?

Well, I used to work in
an STD Clinic, actually.

Oh, right, so you started with
crabs and worked your way up?

[Julia] Right teas and coffees.

Let's get on.
Teabags, teabags...

Mother, where are the tea bags?

Well, in my house, I
keep them in the cupboard

above the kettle,
where they should be.

Okay, so,

should we do you first, my love?
Get you out of the way?

Oh, yeah. Get me out of the way.

Can I just check,

are you allergic
to kerosene, my love?

No.

And even if I was,
I couldn't care less.

Kev,

is it Jill?

Can you just keep your head
still, my love?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I popped up to the loft

to suggest we
share a sensual bath

and nit shampoo and she said

she didn't want

a bath or nit shampoo.
She wanted a divorce.

What? sh*t.

Kevin! Why?

You name it.
My night breathing, mainly.

And the way I chew,
and the way I laugh,

and the way I dry my legs
after I've had a bath.

it turns out Jill
just doesn't like me, full stop.

She's a d*ck.

Kevin, you are one of
the best guys I know.

'Til death do us part,
my arsehole.

Divorce, seriously!

I don't want to be a divorcé.

Jill was so cold about it.

Listen, Kev, I mean... [scoffs]

I tell Paul I want a divorce

every birthday and
Christmas and he just

tells me to me
shut my cake hole.

So, what you're saying is

I should go back
there and fight for her?

Um...

yes. Okay, yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes,

I'm going to do that,
I'm gonna do that.

I'm going to go
back up that loft

and tell her how
much I love her.

Maybe wipe that liquid
sh*t off your head first.

It's got to stay on
for an hour and a half.

I'll be back by five
to get the girls.

[Laura] Oh,
I wouldn't wear that.

That stuff eats
through polystyrene.

Thanks, love. Next mum, please.

[Julia] Coming through. Hey,

mate, who put the
fun in infestation?

-I'll have that.
-Aw, you look like

-a shiny little conker.
-Brilliant.

Whoa, excuse me,

you are not adhering
to the one-way system.

Back. Go back,
back, back. back, back.

Goodness.

I didn't hear anything about
that stupid shoe shop job.

That doesn't mean you
haven't got it, love.

It was probably the hair.

It did look
a bit Trainspotting.

Hey, mate,

if they can't handle
you at your worst,

then they don't
deserve you at your best.

Not sure that rule applies
to job interviews.

Oh!

Mother...

[sighs]

Coming!

Anne, Amanda,

hi!

Let me just...
sorry, one second.

Right, okay, let's get you in.

Guys, we're not here to partay,

we're here to get treated
and get the hell out, okay?

Wham, bam, thank you
lady from that van.

Anne, would you
like a drink, my lovely?

Oh, no, thank you. No.

[Amanda] Anne's pregnant.

-Huh?
-Don't tell a soul.

-Oh, look who it is.
-[Julia] Wow, that's committed.

Hey, Meg,

Bill. Hey.

Wow, look at you.

Loving the grade one.
Ooh, so cool.

I would totally shave
my head but...

loads of people
love my hair so,

you know, wouldn't want
to do that to them.

Bill, how are you?

Haven't seen you for ages.

[Julia]
Amanda, RE: Manus' party,

should we focus it
on Saturday or...

Can I just get some
more towels, my love?

Uh, just... in a minute.

I'm just in the middle
of something right now.

Ooh, look who it is!
Marion!

-So brave.
-You're so brave, Marion.

So brave. So, so brave.

Not brave. Not brave.

[Marion] No,
the real hero's Julia,

you know, taking me in
and nursing me back to health.

But I'm moving back home
this weekend.

-Ooh.
-Yeah, Saturday.

The removal van is booked.

-Huh.
-So...

it's, um...

Assuming we're all clean
and clear on the old, um...

Manus party on?

Well, I guess if we're all
getting treated, then...

Yeah, it can go ahead.

That'll be nice.

-Great, that's good news.
-Yes. [exhales] Towels.

-[phone ringing]
-Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Paterson's
daughter.

Hello, Doctor.

Yes, um,

she's absolutely...

raring to go.

All packed up and ready to go
home at the weekend, so that's

fabby dabby doo. [chuckles]

Sorry, what, what?

Sorry, when you say...

when you say she
can't live independently,

do you mean we need
to find her a husband,

or get her a pet,
or, um...

I mean, I can definitely pop in
twice a week

to make checks, or we can,

we can install
a panic button, so that's...

Whoa,

shall we just, um...

should we just mull
over for a moment.

We don't want to make any
hasty decisions.

Ahh, okay.

So that's, um...
that's conclusive, is it?

Yes, okay,

thank you, doctor.

Yes, bye now.

[muffled scream]

[screams]

Bill! [laughs]

Sorry, Bill, I didn't...

I didn't know you were in here.

I just found out that
I'm stuck with my mother

and she's gonna have my bedroom
and en suite forever.

[cries]

[door opens]

Hi, Bill.

[Bill] Kev.

You've got a
Baileys moustache.

At least I hope it's Baileys.

Can you think of the worst thing
that could happen,

and then double it?

Well, I can actually, Kevin.
I...

um... god, I have had-

I've done something so bad.

-What?
-You don't want to know.

I'm so effed up.

Oh Jill... Jill.

Don't touch me, I'm a pig.

I know it was only
a part time job,

but I really wanted it.

Maybe it's going out
to see Sam on the farm.

It's made me realize
there's more to life, you know,

than nits and phonics

and worrying how much
Netflix my kids watch.

Is it official that you
haven't gotten it, babe?

Maybe no news is just no news.

Nah, mate. No news is ghosting.

I didn't get the job.

Have you ever thought about
Greggs, Liz?

Anne worked there.

How long did you
work at Greggs, Anne?

[Anne] Oh, um...

no, I never worked
at Greggs, no.

I was Head of
Product Development

at GlaxoSmithKline Worldwide.

Oh.

Why did I always think
you worked for Greggs?

-Are you sure?
-Um...

I can't picture you working
in an office, Anne.

I see you handling
cakes and puffs.

Not that I've

been in a Greggs before.
Really not Greggs?

Yeah, I've been there
once or twice but, um,

more as a customer.

[Laura] Okay, my dear?

Oh, that's me.
I'm up, excuse me.

[Amanda] So weird.

Hey girl,
how ya doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Yeah, I'm doing well, you know,

stronger, fitter, humbler.

I mean, it's been
a tough ol' year

for me with the D-I-V-O-R-C-E,

but I've grown
a lot and...

word from the wise,

you think you are not
going get through this,

but you totally are.

I'm sorry,
what are we talking about here?

-You and Bill.
-Oh, right, yeah.

Poor old Kevin's
going through it as well.

The nit lady told me.

I don't know,

I guess it's the life
stage we're all at.

Also, Anne's pregnant. Yeah,

Anne told me in
strictest confidence.

And I'm only mentioning
it because it's relevant

and I know she loves
you as much as we all do,

-so...
-Wow.

[Amanda] We are here for you.

And obviously not a single peep

from these lips about
your marriage woes, yeah.

Mum's the word. Hey,

mum by nature, mum by mouth.

Amanda's just told me
that Anne's pregnant

and I shouldn't tell anyone.

[Julia] Yeah,
she told me that too.

Why didn't you tell me?

I've just spoken
to the consultant

and he said that Mother might
not ever be able to go home.

Ever. Ever. Ever.

Oh, where's she going to go?

I don't know.
Best Exotic Marigold Hotel?

Kevin's loft?

I think I'm having
a panic attack!

[grunts] You. You, you, you.

Can you adhere to
the zonal areas please?

In fact, if you've been treated,
can you remain

in the living room,
or better still,

could you just leave?

Can you see those?

[Julia] Unbelievable!

You've basically invited a load
of nits into your house, babe.

Thank you,
that's very helpful, Meg.

People are not adhering
to my zonal areas!

Thanks Julia, I'm all done.

Lovely party,
the crisps were delicious.

I did get some nit stuff
in my mouth though,

but I managed to sluice
most of it out, I think.

Okay, cool, Anne.

Congratulations,
by the way, Anne.

[Liz, Julia, and Bill]
Oh yeah, congratulations.

-How do you all know?
-Anne,

if you want a lift home,
the window is closing.

-What?
-Did you tell everyone?

No! Tell what?

My secret news.

Oh, my God,
Anne, of course not.

I mean
if it did come out,

it was like in a good way,
like...

this is a party,

and I just want to
spread a good vibe.

It's just I did actually ask you
not to say anything.

Oh, come on, Anne.

It's hardly Royal baby

-level news.
-[Laura] Bye.

[Julia] Oh, my god.

Is that Laura leaving?

Why is the nit lady leaving?

Why didn't you all stop her?

She's effed off
without even doing me.

I've gone to all this effort
for nothing. Oh, my god!

Well, this says it all
doesn't it?

[Marion] Julia,

have you seen my walking frame?

Not now, Mother.

Says all Amanda, what?

It says, Julia,
this is how your kids

end up spreading things around.

I tell you who's a
f*cking super spreader,

Amanda. Your mouth.

You watch your mouth, Liz.

Come on, Anne.

Let's get out of this
absolute nit show.

Go, go, go, go on. Go on, go,

without even
helping me tidy up.

I've been tying myself
in knots over this.

And what happened to all for one
and one for all?

Okay, I made a teeny, weeny,
weeny, tiny error of judgement,

which I have been
bending over backwards

to try and fix, but no,

I just get a sh*t load of sh*t.

One tiny error
of judgement, Julia.

Yeah, it could have been
any of us.

But really, could it?

I think the problem
here is that it's

-one rule for you and...
-f*ck's sake, Amanda!

Beg your pardon, Bill?

All of you, shut up.

Shut up.

Not you, Anne.

I wish I only had to worry about

sharing my en suite
with my mother,

or having nits,

or whether people are adhering

to a f*cking one-way system

that seriously does not matter.

-Okay, baby, let's go home now.
-No, I got...

-[Meg] Yes.
-[Bill] I just...

I can't hack it, I just can't.
I can't. I'm sorry.

I know, I know.

Do you think that
it was something that I said?

I'll tell you later.

Meg's having an affair.

Oh, for the love of God.

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.

No, you were going to
find out sooner or later

so you might as
well hear it from me.

I've got cancer.

What?

Oh.

Just a touch.

In the boob.

I locked Jill in the loft!

Okay, not locked.

She wouldn't see sense.

Insisted our marriage was over,

so I took the loft ladder away.

I just saw red.

She's been up
there all afternoon,

a prisoner in her
own home office.

She's only got
two San Pellegrino

and a Babybel
in the mini fridge.

Kev, mate, not now.

I've called
the police on myself.

-Kevin...
-[Kevin] They're sending

an arresting officer.

-[Julia] Kevin...
-Or not.

The line wasn't clear,
it sounded a bit like

-they were laughing.
-[Liz] Kev...

Meg's got cancer.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

They caught it early,
and you know I--

I wanted to pre-empt the, um...

you know, I was going to
lose it all in chemo anyway so,

you know,
I didn't want to have

nits and cancer, so...
[chuckles]

[tuts] Meg,

I knew something was wrong.

I don't want any fuss...

or pity.

That's bloody put everything
in perspective, hasn't it?

Yeah, it really does, Meg.

Who cares if I can't
ever take a piss

in my en suite ever again?

I mean, who gives a sh*t

if we're all riddled with lice?

I do.

Hello?

Oh, really?

Yeah, okay. Right.

Thanks for letting me know.

All right, bye.

Got that job in that shoe shop.

Oh, that's good, babe.

Yeah, the 17-year-old
they hired didn't turn up.

Oh, no.

Well done, honey.

No, I'm not taking it.

No.

I'm not being their
sloppy seconds.

[Kevin] Good for you Liz.

You know, I think
this is the longest

you've let me touch
you since you were nine.

So, I spoke to the consultant
about you moving home.

Yeah.

Amanda told me.

She heard you
screaming in the bathroom.

It's all right. I understand

if you want to look into
putting me into a home.

You're a massive,
massive pain in the hole,

Mother,
but I could never do that.

Not yet anyway.

It's the smell
that puts me off.

-What smell?
-Oh, those care homes.

They-- they smell like
cabbage and death.

Every time you cook,

it smells of cabbage
and death. Oh!

There's another one.

Did you get nits
when we were kids then?

No,

it was the 1980s.
We all had perms.

It was basically
chemical warfare.

Hmm, I might look into
getting myself a perm.

This is nice, isn't it?

No.

[theme music playing]