06x17 - Paul Scheer, Wanda Sykes & Ron Funches

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

I want to throw our asses and slam the

glass We're disturbing others, baby, even

your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

I love it.

Hello. Hi. Is this Sevens

Daycare?Yes, it is. How can I help you?

Hi, I'm looking to enroll my child.

Who am I speaking with?My name is Serene.

Hi, Serene. My name. Oh, Serene. Sorry.

My name is Mitch. I have a

little daughter and she's

incredibly special. She is



the daycare?I wanted to talk about one

thing that is a little bit different

about her before we even kind of meet

her. She. You know, we have that the

thing on the phone where you can kind of

put the different faces on the kids and

stuff like the Instagram filters and

stuff. And she loved being a rabbit and

she loves talking about that she's a

rabbit, you knowAnd and so we kind of

just treat her a little bit like she's a

rabbit. And I know that's something we do

here in the house, but I didn't know if

that was something you'd be open to. You

know, we, you know, her name is Anna, but

we call her Bugs now, not because of Bugs

Bunny, cause. Her hair has bugs in it

cause she's always kind of jumping around

in the garden. But yeah, we just want to

make sure that you guys would be OK with

kind of catering to her a little bit like

that. You know her lunch is going to be

full of carrots and and and you know she

loves space jam. Yeah. Well, we cannot

break. I don't allow food from outside.

That's OK. No food from that. That's OK.

She doesn't. Oh, here she is. Oh, gosh.

Oh, she's oh, hey, don't, don't, don't

nip now. She's. She's always nibbling on

stuff. Don't nibble on that, OK?Seeing

the TV cable. But yeah, I would love to,

you know, you could even meet her. She

won't bring food. And, you know, she

stays in the cage the most of the day,

you know, OK, that's different

than I'm used to. I know that a lot of

kids think they're superheroes and things

like that. So I just wanted to talk to

you about that. That's all. It's, you

know, kids who think he's a Superman, but

we don't treat him like every day, like

he's a Superman. And you won't have any

dogs there, right?Because, I mean, she

does not like dogs. I do have three

dogs. Oh, OK Well, you know, I did it.

I did a thing with my daughter early on

where we married her to our dog. Cause

she's like, I want to daddy, daddy. I

want to marry my doggy. I want to marry

my doggy. And we did the whole thing and

we got, you know, I got the priest and

there we did the whole thing and we just

married, you know. And so she thinks

she's married with the dog, but it's it's

cute. That's so sweet. Oh, and the

honeymoon was just

astronomical, $7000. I didn't hear from

them for two weeks. But the dogs are

friendly, right?Of course. They're

daycare dogs. OK, let's come. Can I come

by tomorrow?It has to be after my kids

leave. So somewhere around 5:00 PM. All

right, well, we'll see you tomorrow at



don't look her in the eyes, we'll be OK.

OKOh, here she comes again. OK, stop. Do

not poop on the floor. Do not poop on the

floor. OK, she's not joking. This is a

rabbit. You know what?This is a really

different phone call I ever had. It's

been 19 years of experience. It's like,

wow. No. Yeah, she she won't

bother you. She'll be with the dogs and

keep her out there and feed her kibble

and she'll be good. I have a little tiny

dog house out there so they can. She'll

be happy in it. Believe me. She'll be

happy. It'll be warm. OK. And I'll bring

her tomorrow. And just don't, you know,

don't teach her to speak. That's the most

important thing for me, you know, because

we do want to just embrace the

imagination like that. And 5:00

PM will come by and I will just. I

will. Bring her down there. We'll drop

her off and then come back around June.

That would be fantastic. Thank you so, so

much. Nope. OK. You're going to be a dog

tomorrow, sweetie. You're going to be a

dog. All right. I'm going to pick up. You

pick up those pellets. You have a good

day. No. OK, I'll pick up. I'm going to

save the pellets because it's, you know,

you never know. Because they're little

poop pellets. I put it in the book.

She'll look at it when she's 30. She'll

be happy that she has it.

All right. Bye. Bye.

She actually went with it for a while.

There's a dog thing in the Superman.

So your dad's coming up on his big 40th

birthday. Yes.

Dance Studio, this is Kate. How may I

help you?Hi, I'm Mimi Mork. I'm here with

my brother Brad, and we are trying to

develop a wonderful dance for our

daddy's 40th birthday. May I

ask how?What did you say?How old is your

father?He's turning 40.

Hi, it's Mimi Mark. And our

daddy loves trip hop. He loves

acid house. So we were trying to

start the whole thing with something a

little bit hard. Down on all fours. Boom,

boom, boom, boom. Legs, boom, boom.

And then moving into something a little

bit more jazz and a little bit more. But

if I come in. Sort of on all fours

as a horse and I'm I'm

thinking, is it cool that Mork

there is also on our on all fours?

What's the cowboy doing on all fours?

That's the question I ask right away. May

I ask how old you both are?Well, I

don't understand how that's pertinent.

You both sound a little bit older.

Twenty-one. I'm twenty-one and my brother

is twenty-three. All right. If you would

like to send a request via e-mail, I

would be more than happy to pass that

along to the owner of the studio. Not

going to, not going to happen.

That's not going to happen. Mork, don't

do e-mail. We're kind of one-on-one

guys. We have to go through an entire

liability and privacy process in order to

select dancers if you're requesting a

performance. So what we will need is,

is we'll need it in writing and we'll

need you to send an e-mail request. We

won't need to bother with that on our

end. So let's just discuss what we're

talking about when it comes to the the

dance itself, because I think trip hop is

is the wrong way to go. I think we want

to go straight jazz. OK, well, what I'm

saying is and what I'm saying, I need you

both. Go ahead. I need you both

to send a formal request if you would

like our dancers to perform at your

father's birthday. We don't want your

dancers. We want you to design a dance

that we can perform for him. I'm a

spider. And Mork is a horse.

Daddy's favorite treat is a TwinkieWe

don't have to incorporate Twinkies into

the dance. Well, maybe the horse could

hug the Twinkie but once you hug, hug

me, I spurt with the

wonderful white cream everywhere. We

cream the whole room. And that's the

big finale. And you do a record scratch.

Jigga jigga Daddy. And who would be the

best choreographer to work through these

numbers with us?I honestly think this

is a complete scam phone call. If if you

would like to work with our business, we

we require all business inquiry and

writing. So unfortunately if you would

not like to send a request via e-mail at

this time, I would have to decline using

our dancers for a performance. Let's

just do voice to text. Just enable that

on your end and we'll send the e-mail

that way. This is Mork and

Brad. Requesting choreography for

Daddy's 40th pro bono services

required. Spiders,

horses, acid jazz,

spinning around, hugging Big

Daddy smiles. Is that what you need?

Thank you for your phone call. If you are

not going to send a formal request, use

one of our dancers and have a custom

dance made. I'm going to have to decline

at this moment. Happy birthday to your

father. Have a wonderful afternoon. Thank

you. Bye, bye. Now print that out.

There's your e-mail. That

was good. A traditional way

to float. It's more like a coffin. You

know, a coffin. It's more like a.

I would say pot, you knowI heard you say

coffin. People joking sometimes. Oh, it

looks like a coffin, you know

Hello, helloHi, you do the sensory

deprivation float tanks?Yeah, how you

doing, sir?Yeah, I've seen better days.

Name's Burcham, Vietnam veteran.

American therapist told me sensory

deprivation might help my condition. I

have flashbacks, you know what I mean?It

will help. I'm 100% sure

because we have a lot of, a lot of

customers from like

military and retired people

with post traumatic syndrome. Alright,

now I'm missing a limb. So I have a

prosthetic limb. I have a prosthetic leg.

Do we throw the leg in the tank with me?

I would probably take it off because

these have some salt that's high

concentrated, so it can damage

everything. You name it, it will damage.

All right, but let me just follow your

logic here. This compote of

Epsom salt and seawater is going to

destroy titanium prosthetic leg, but I'm

supposed to stew in it for 90 minutes.

I I don't

know

how secure your facility is. And last

time I went to a sensory deprivation

place, I took the leg off. I put it in my

locker and when I got out of the tub, it

was gone. Wow. No, no, no

That's crazy. You have completely use

separate units with your own room.

Alright, but once the leg comes off, I

don't get around real good. So can you

help me into the tub after I take the leg

off?Do you have one leg

functioning just fine?I have one leg that

functions just fine. We have

a lazy stank. A traditional way to

float, it's more like a coffin, you know?

A coffin?More like a,

I would say, pot, you know?I heard you

say coffin. People joking sometimes, oh,

it looks like a coffin, you know?Tell you

what, there's a crisp $20 bill

in it for you if you help me from the

locker room into the tank

and keep repeating the phrase. We're

going home, buddy. Well,

if I will be there, I'll of course I'll

help you. It's not a even big deal. Did

you say you already floated before, right?

I got drunk and fell into a drainage

ditch once and woke up two days later. I

don't know if that technically counts as

floating. I I think you just

bullshittingReally. I think you

just how dare you feeling and just taking

my time. That's what I feel like. Because

my therapist told me I had PTSD

and you start calling your tank a

coughing and then accusing me of being a

BSer. How dare you?

No, it's not. Not nothing to do that. I

just want to make sure you're serious.

You're just not wasting my time because

you would be surprised how many people.

Just have nothing to do. Just try to

play jokes. I just want to make sure

you're serious about it. And I'm not even

upset at all. I don't know who's been

pulling your chain, Kimmel or Florentine

or Silverman. Point is, is this

is legit. OK, if it is legit, let

me just freaking book you and not to

waste time with you. I bring a six pack.

You guys got a bar there. No, no, we

don't. Well, I need a little something to

take the edge off for. I go into the

coffin. I hope you don't mind if I pound

a couple of straws. Yeah, but I don't

want you to pee in the tank if you're

going to be too relaxed. Listen, the

peeing in the tank's a given. You got to

worry about #2. They're

so nice. Our Uncle

Reggie passed away and he was a big, big

fan of your store. He was wondering if we

could get your permission to put a mural

on the side of your store honoring Uncle

Reggie. I don't think so. No, man.

This ain't right. This is what he wanted.

This is what he wanted. He told you.

Relax, relax. He said, I want you to

paint my mural when I pass away. Sure, we

already bought the paint.

Uncle Reggie. This is a good uncle,

bro.

Hello. How you doing?Good. How about

you, bud?This is correct. That's

right. Oh, man. My name

is Jake. This is my brother. Reggie

Junior, the second.

I'm sorry, I'm

having a hard time keeping it together

because our cousin, Uncle Reggie

Junior passed away yesterday and we just

wanted to call you and let you know that

he loved your store and. We

we were going to come down there around



honor him. Is that OK?You know, and this

is what he wanted. Sorry for your loss.

Yeah, I appreciate that, man. Thank you.

He know your story. He always just say if

I boys, if I die, make sure you put me on

the side of that store. That's right. It

means so much to him. That's right. And

listen, so it's going to be a very classy

big portrait of our cousin, Uncle Reggie

Junior with Angel wings and he's he's

going up into heaven. To to be reunited

with Uncle Reggie Senior who's playing

poker with Bernie Mac and John Travolta

and Ray Charles. But Ray Charles don't

got his glasses on because he's it's it's

heaven and he can see you know. Can I

direct you to to the owner cause I'm I

got customers around here I'm trying to

ring up. Absolutely. I'm gonna give you

his number and let you call him and tell

him this stuff. OK. Is this gonna is this

directly to himself?That's that's the

man. The man that owns the store. That's

all you need to keep telling this anyway.

Thank you. Thank you so much. And and

Uncle Reggie, thank you. This for Uncle

Reggie. Uncle Reggie. Forever, man.

Hello. HelloIs this Doug?

Hey, Doug. How you doing?We just

contacted your your convenience store.

And to cut the story short,

our Uncle Reggie passed away. He was a

big, big fan of the store. Big. Oh, stop.

Brother, don't cry right now.

He was a big fan of your store. He used

to go there all the time for cigarettes

and candy and such. Everybody lying there

and scratch up. He loves his

scratches. He loves his scratches and

it's fine. But long story short, he was

wondering if we could get your permission

to put a mural on the side of your store

honoring Uncle Reggie. The dude at the

store said it was OK to to do it. He said

we could do it. Yeah, I don't

think so. Oh, how you going to do that?

You can't do that because of Uncle

Reggie, man. All right, Relax, relax.

Let's hear him out. Come on, man. No, no,

man. This is what he wanted. He told me.

He said, I want, he said I want you to

paint my mural. Sir.

Sir, we already bought the paint and the

the ladders and the the tar. We got to do

it. So it's for Reggie. So what comes to

Uncle Reggie, man?Well, dog, I mean, I'm

in front of the store right now. And if

if you don't want me to paint, I'm going

to need you to give me some sort of. Just

start paying. Just start paying. And

if you want me to stop, just say

something, dog. If not, I'm just proceed.

Calling back.

Hello. We spoke to Doug and he said it's

OK that we can do the mural. Thank you,

man. Appreciate that. You're welcome.

We're going to be stopping by about 11.

We're dropping off some cans of paint.

And we got a Boys and Girls Club coming.

They're going to be doing some painting

as well. We just wanted to know, do you

have space inside the store for a camera?

Do we have the local news coming to cover

it?Ohh Like I said, whatever you talk

with him about, go with that. All right.

And what's your name?My name is Warren.

I'm Doug's son. Oh, OK. Oh, oh, oh. Thank

you. Nice to talk to you. Would you mind

giving an interview to the to the local

news when they when they arrive?I've been

here since 4:45 this morning. I'll be

ready. I got somewhere to go. You know, I

can't. I can't hang over. Is there

another family member that is going to

take your place after you leave?Yeah,

I'm. I'm sure my dad, he'll be here right

on. OK. Doug himself will be there.

That'd be great. Good talking to y'all

guys, man. Do you want to be in the mural

as well?We can put you in there with some

Angel wings. We're going to have your

father, Doug. Deadlifting a Menthol

cigarette and you'll be behind and

spotting and we'll have Uncle Reggie on

the left and it'll be good 'cause that's

how Uncle Reggie will. That's one thing

Uncle Reggie loved. He loves cigarettes

and he love lifting weights with

shirtless dudes.

Unfortunately, we don't sell webcams with

a stop or start thing cause I was at a

Zoom funeral. Oh boy, next thing I know

I'm on camera waxing my landing strip. I

mean, you know, you can't even wax your

vag*na while watching a Zoom funeral

anymore. I mean,

where's the privacy?Where's the privacy?

Premier Electronics. Hello.

I have a a question and I

need to find a a webcam

that that won't automatically turn on

and off cause I I've been having all kind

of problems with this webcam. But it

seems like on the zoom calls

the the the thing just comes on even when

I have I I do the the little stop the

video. So, so you're saying when you're

on a Zoom call, the Zoom call finishes.

You pause it, you stop it. What?What do

you do exactly?OK, I'm in a I'm in a Zoom

meeting, right?Yeah. And it's the the

parents meeting with the teachers, right?

Yeah. So yeah, the teacher just going on

and on and on. I got to pee. So I stopped

my video. I see you're pausing

it and then I go pee and next thing I

know. Everybody's sending me screenshots

of me paying. That's weird. Isn't that

weird?Do you think?I don't know if it's

my that should not be happening. Well, I

it should not be happening. Let me tell

you. Yeah. Unfortunately, we don't sell

webcams with a stop or start thing,

so that's the only issue. Oh boy. One

time I was on a call with my supervisor.

He goes, Gladys, your legs are

spread eagle and your big old Bush takes

up the whole screen. I mean. You don't

want to know what happened last Sunday

during the church service. Oh good Lord.

I mean, and it was communion Sunday. So

when they saw my big old t*tties I mean

the blood of Jesus went flying

everywhere. Oh geez,

I I found the form and people are

complaining about the same issue you're

having. It seems like what the the

solution was is get like a.

Like a like a post-it note or something

like that. Something to cover the camera.

Yeah, for because with the post-it note

you can like do it temporarily. Like you

have to go pee, just put it on there. And

then when that's a good idea. Yeah,

cause I was at a zoom funeral. Oh boy.

Next thing I know I'm on camera waxing my

landing strip. I mean, you know, you

can't even wax your vag*na while watching

a zoom funeral anymore. No.

And and and why the cameras gotta have

such high definition too. You know, I

don't need to see that. My manager said

that he could see each hair I was

tweezing off my nipple

Isn't that something?Well, I mean, it did

that cause you know, the the whole high

definition thing is for movies and

streaming and all that stuff. I've been

making little porn movies. I guess

everybody has seen my you feel like a

little Zoom. Let me see your invite

so you can see what's happening here.

Well, I don't at work. We don't have

Zoom. We don't. Oh, you don't. OK. Have

you seen that that big black naked dude?

Yes. With the big Johnson sitting on the

side of bed. I'm gonna cover it with

that. That's gonna be my picture. They

want they want look at something. I'm

gonna put wood up there. That's what I'm

gonna do. OK. Sounds good. Well, thank

you for your help. You look who knew a

little just a little piece of posted and

that and that could solve the issue.

Yeah. YeahYou're just covering the lens.

That's it. Thank you. You're welcome.

He did research.

Look at that.