06x14 - Wanda Sykes, JB Smoove & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

Someone throw our asses and slam because

We're disturbing others Maybe even your

mother Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight Crank Yankers!

Tight little aisles and sh*t where yolk

can get all over the place.

Grocery, how can I help you?Hey, who am I

speaking to?Uh, Javier.

Hey, Javier, Javier, good talking

to you. How's your day going?You staying

safe?Yeah, for sure. It's going pretty

well. What can I do for you?I'm from the

National Association of Egg Farmers. We

what we do is this. We send a

representative out there, the mascot

Eggie over to your place of business.

We set up a little table and. And we just

welcome people to buy more eggs and eat

more eggs. We take photos with the

kids and you know, you know, I tell jokes

about being scrambled or say when I'm

upset, I turn into a hard-boiled

egg, you know, all that kind of stuff.

Yeah. So what I normally do is I set up

in one of the egg aisles, you know, and

but you know, some places put me in the

chicken aisle. I don't know why. I guess,

you know, as long as I have a 12 foot

area for rolling around, I'm pretty good.

You know, I took a vow to never break

character or get out of my costume once

I'm in the store. So if you have any

questions for me, you need to ask me now,

right now. Cause once I become Aggie, I'm

Aggie. You know what I mean?Cause that

gets messy and I had to put my pants down

one time and that got me a little

trouble. I got my job back and I feel

like the world is going, the world is

going vegan and vegetarian. They ain't

showing the egg no love. Oh yeah, they

ain't showing the egg no love. Let me

grab one of my managers. Yeah. Hey, have

you ever had an egg cream?No, Sir. They

saw that a lot in those old movies with

Cary Grant and stuff. They sit at the

little counter and say I have an egg

cream. You know what I mean?So you will

have to provide me with lunch, though,

invest in my contract. And I might be

giving out samples, you know, just a raw

egg in a cup. Kind of like what those

athletes do when they gain their

endurance back when they're tired from

running in a marathon or try try athlete

or something like that. You know what

they do?They take my five or six eggs and

they put them in a cup and they drink it.

They just drink the eggs with nothing in

it. Just straight. Just straight. You

know what I mean?That makes me so damn

mad. I feel like they drinking me. I feel

like they drinking my a*s Javier. You

know what I'm saying?I feel like what the

is going on here?They drinking me.

Yeah. So I'm going to need you to fan me

constantly because once I get overheated,

you know, I start to settle, you know,

and the body odor is terrible. I promise

you. So I don't know what you keep the

temperature at. What's the temperature

around it?You keep it at what, 72?Like on

average, 72?Is it cold out there right

now?We keep it fairly warm.

Woo. How warm?How warm?Room temperature?A

little above. Woo. I

might start sweating, man. I'm nice

touch. Hey, you gonna mess around and

make some deviled eggs out of my assYou

ever have deviled eggs, huhYeah.

Yeah, that's what gonna happen. If it's

too hot, man, I'm gonna turn into a

deviled egg. You already serving me to to

some of your customers. Hey,

man. Oh, hey. Hell, yeah. I gotta get

going, man. I got these National Egg

Association guys on my back, man. So you

take care, man. I'll see you soon. I'll

see you soon.

Damn! What?

I'm looking for a carpenter.

Hi, this is Garnet. Garnet?Name's

Burcham. You a carpenter?Uh, yes.

So, uh, I'm a carpenter as well. Pretty

skilled. Uh, don't have use of my hands

right now. And like a

carpenter, come by, help me out with some

crown molding. Do you do crown molding?

Well, I can. Can you do bass?

Oh yeah, I can. You know, I've been a

carpenter for 30 some years and, you

know, it's been a while since I did some

crown mold 'cause, you know, all the cuts

are. I gotta

say, I'm I'm not brimming withconfidence.

Well, it's been like I said, it's been a

few years since I did Cromwell. The last

Cromwell I did was all in metal. What?

What is your field expertise?You do rough

stuff?No, I'm trim mostly. You

got a sliding compound miter saw.

Yes, of course. 10 inch,





on there. Might even be an 80 tooth. I

can't. 80 toother. I don't know. I can't

remember. I'd have to look at my saw.

Darn it. What's your name again?Name's

Burcham, man. I'm impressed. 80 tooth

carbide. Burcham. You do

chair molding?Yeah, I've done all kinds

of it. Wainscott. Yeah.

Base shoe. Base shoe.

Base shoe. Oh, base shoe. Yeah, of

course. You're not one of these a*s wipes

that uses cord around instead of base

shoe, are you?

I see quarter round where base shoes

should be. I shout bush league. I'll turn

around and leave. You know, it all

depends on what the customer want. All

right. You're starting to worry me a

little bit with this quarter round

business. You say you're, you say you're

finish Carpenter. Pretty much, yeah. All

right. Tell me the difference between a

rabbit joint and a dado. Well, let's see

a rabbit. Well, dado is.

You got to use dado blades to set it up

in a rabbit. You can just use a regular

blade on a table saw and cut it out. It's

like a notch. What

letters are they both shaped like?You

know what?Sorry, I'm really busy right

now. And yeah, you're busy playing

Connect 4 online, buddy. You sound like a

hat Carpenter to me. You don't know the

difference between a dado and a rabbit

joint. I don't. I don't have time to

answer a million questions here. I'm

doing my exhaust for my Indian and what

are you doing to the exhaust?Getting the

powder coated. Mm-hmmWe're going with

black. Yes.

Satin, flat, high gloss. What are we

talking about?High gloss. High gloss. The

same as same as my motor and handlebars

and all the other stuff on it. How many

cubic inches in a liter?

I don't know. One liter engine is



mechanic. All right, so, Garnet, let's

try to figure out what you knowYou don't

know what a dado joint is. You don't know

what a rabbit is. You don't know how many

cubic inches in a liter. What the hell do

you know, boy?I told you I don't have

time for this right now. Jesus Christ.

Couldn't find your d*ck with a divining

rod. Well, or

maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Let's

get back to the crown molding. Whatever.

You know, I know how to do stuff. And I,

you know, I don't know what the terms are

sometimes, but I've been in carpentry for

a lot of years. Yeah, all right. You got

a mortising jig?I have one, yes.

All right. Who makes it?

Porter cable. All right. It's a good jig.

What kind of router do you use?Oh, I just

use a little handheld trim router. All

right. And you got a door plane?I

have a door plane. Did we did we talk

quarter round versus base shoe?

Yes. I'm really busy right now, and

I told you this earlier. What is the

difference between paint grade and stain

grade?sh*t I don't know. You don't know

the difference between stain grade and

paint grade?The answer's in the question,

you moron. I don't deal if somebody calls

me names. Goodbye. All right, listen,

listenWe got off on the wrong foot. Darn

it. Jesus Christ. Should

we call him back?

Tell her to ask for Celeste. I'll be up

here at the front. She doesn't weigh

much. You think you can carry her around

like horseback style?Yeah, yeah, we could

totally work something out where we could

do that. Be careful picking her up. Her

bones are like Kit Kats. Yeah.

Where the hell is she?

This is Celeste. Yeah, this is Anthony.

I come under your store a lot there. And

I come in with my mom, and she's a very

old lady. And she can't

reach the things. You know, they're all

too high. Yeah. YeahYeah

Well, what's your name, sweetheart?

My name's Celeste. That's a beautiful

name. Celeste. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

That means out of space. Is that right?

Yeah. Well, listen, I want

my mom to feel, you know, that she, she's

still independent. You know, she's

getting up there. She's 90 years old,

this lady. Yeah, right. Yeah.

She's got the osteoporosis. Oh, yeah.

That's what happens when you get older,

right?She's got it bad, Celeste. Well,

if she, if she comes on in, we can

totally have someone help her grab

something. Oh, that'd be so sweet. That'd

be nice. But The thing is, she's got an

ego about her and she wants to do it

herself. Ma, get down from there.

Look at she's climbing up. We're in the

house right now. She's up on the counter.

Ma. Well, I'll get that for you. Micah,

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Matthew, Luke,

John the Baptist over here.

Santa Maria, Nina Pinta, Madon, can you

imagine this?Yeah. So I was thinking, you

know, I'm not a, you know, Einstein over

here, but I had an idea. How about you

guys put the things on the bottom shelf?

You know, the things old ladies need, you

put on the bottom shelves, you know?

Right. What are the things that she tries

and gets normally?Well, you know, she's

got the the, the pasta sauces, the tomato

sauce, the tomato paste, the heavy stuff,

you know, you know, a lot of that's hard

to carry. She tries to climb up the

shelves. I told her, I said, Ma. Oh, no.

Yeah. What are you, Spider-Man?Get down

from there. You know what you're doing.

But there's no telling this lady. And you

should see her back. It's like a noodle.

It curved over like a macaroni. Oh, no.

She's facing the ground. So she bumps

into things like a Roomba. You ever see a

Roomba?That's how she finds out where to

go. She'll bump into a wall and then

she'll go. I shouldn't go there. I mean,

Can you imagine this?Oh, Pasta Fazool.

She's going to get into the dog food.

Mark, that's not human food. Mark on.

I'm in. Yeah, if she ever comes on in,

we try and make everything as accessible

as we can. But if she does come on in,

anyone would be happy to help. Hopefully

she doesn't feel like that. I would like

you to help, Celeste. You seem like a

very sweet person. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, very nice. You got a beautiful

voice, too. And that's very rare. Thank

you. Yeah. If you could, you know, make

her think she's picking it up. Oh, yeah.

So you take it off the top shelf. And

then you bring it down and then she makes

her feel like she got it. Does that make

sense?Right. Hey, Celeste, you're the

best. Can you help me out here?So when

she comes in, I'll give you a call that

she's gonna be there. And then you follow

her around. OK. Yeah. Ask her. Tell her

to ask for Celeste. I'll be up here at

the front. She doesn't weigh much. You

think you can carry her around like

horseback style?Yeah. Yeah, we could

totally work something out where we could

do that. Be careful picking her up. Her

bones are like Kit Kats. Yeah.

I would like to sing to you a

little song of love to

you, Celeste. We'll see you. See your mom

this afternoon. Thank you for your kind

heart and for helping my mom pick up

things at the store. Of

course. Oh, no. While I've been singing,

my mom sneaked out the door. I think

she's on her way. She took the Buick.

Look out for her, Celeste.

Bye.

Is that something?

Do you want to come tomorrow morning?

And I can teach you some of those

phrases. Like, I just need two.

So look, look, 'cause look, there she is.

There she is. There she goes. There's my

neighbor for her little b*tch-a*s dog.

And she let the dog right on my yard. How

do you say I will punt the sh*t out of

your corby if he shits in my driveway

again?Gladys is calling a

language center.

Hello. HelloThis is

the place to learn some French.

Yes. Oh, good. Or oui, oui.

Oui, oui, oui.

Oui. I would like to. Learn

some French because I have some new

neighbors and they're French. So I would

like to learn some little phrases or

things that I can say to them. Is that

something that you can help me with?Oh

yes, sure, I would love to. So I

give classes at my house. So would you

be willing to come or were you looking

for classes at your place or?Well,

actually it's not necessarily I I want to

become fluent in French, I just need like

some phrases. Sure. Just some

things that I want to communicate with my

neighbor, you know, like, like how

would you say this is my side of the

property line, idiot?How do I say

something like that?Or just keep it

simple, like, get your sh*t off my yard.

Oh, so you'd say c'est mon jardin.

C'est mon jardin. C'est mon

jardin. Yes, I didn't hear sh*t in there.

Was there same?So it's same.

Montjardon. ShitHow do you say

sh*t in French?sh*t

Merde. Merde. OK, so I don't. I didn't

hear merde in that phrase. Yeah,

I want him to. I want to tell him to keep

his sh*t off of my yard. Out of my yard.

Oh, OK, Yeah.

So would you be in which day would you be

interested?Oh,

OK. What you doing later today?Cause I I

really need him to get his sh*t off my

yard. Oh, you want to tell him today?

Yes, to talk today.

OK, let's let's just do it over the phone

then. Let's just do. And I'll I'll, you

know, Venmo you or PayPal you. OK,

well, how do you say which one of your

little b*stard kids broke my garden on?

How do I say that?The problem is I

cannot right now because I have some

come coming in. I have lunch with someone

today. Do you want to come tomorrow

morning and I can teach you some

of those phrases?OK,

just just give me like like I just need

to cause look, there she is. There she is

with her little b*tch a*s dog and she let

the dog right on my yard. How do you say

I will punt the sh*t out of your corgi if

he shits in my driveway again?Oh, just

tell me real quick so I can yell that to

her. Hey.

Hey, Cecile. Cecile. How do you

say that?How do you say that?My Jardin,

JackassMy Jardin. Yes.

Jardin. Oh, she understood that.

Jardin. Yes, yesMy Jardin.

Saute de Mont Jardin. Saute.

Saute de Mont Jardin. Saute de

Mont Jardin. Yes.

OK. Yeah. I'm sorry because I I have to.

I have someone that just have lunch. But

if you want tomorrow morning we could

meet. OK. You can call me back and let

me know what time is good for you. I

would love to to teach you some French.

That's that would be great because I need

more stuff like that. OK. That would be.

Thank you. Have a nice day. Bye. Bye.

See. See

b*tch you hear me?He

was so nice. He was so nice.

I have been so nervous to get a wax, but

I've never done it before. I'm

trying to do my research here.

How How much does it hurt to be honest

with me?

Do you offer an epidural?She

was understated, to say the least.

Thank you for calling. Hi. Oh my gosh.

I have been so nervous to get a wax, but

I've never done it before. I'm

trying to do my research here.

How?How much does it hurt to be honest

with me?It's absolutely doable. You

could do it. I promise you, it's not

going to be the worst thing that you've

ever done ever. It's nothing that bad.

It's not anything that traumatic.

I'm so scared. I I just, I

have to do it. It's unmanageable. But I

I'm scared. You know, it's I chap easily.

And do you offer an epidural?

You won't need anything like that. You're

gonna be fine. I promise you. That is

comforting. That is comforting. Is there

any, is there any reason why you're you

have to do this or you just you're just

wanting to. I have hair

to my knees.

OK, not a problem.

Definitely would want you to come

in and we could take a look at what you

got going on and we can go from there.

Listen, if I wear shorts, you can take a

look. It's coming out of the by

my kneecaps. Oh my

goodness. Oh, it's embarrassing. I'm

ashamed of myself. Would you like to get

something back?I would. I'm so

scared. Can we start with a trim?

We can absolutely do a trim before your

appointment. Yes. OK. And then ease,

ease my way in. We take a couple inches

off and then we come back and we do the

next couple inches and we do that for

eight weeks and then we go for the wax.

Wow. OK, well, when you're

ready, give me a call back and we'll get

you booked. OK. Oh, you are too nice.

You are too nice. You're so sweet. I

know. Was there anything more?I'm just.

I'm just sitting here. I'm. I'm just

waiting on you. You tell me what else

you'd like to say. Do you hold people's

hands or is that too much?Is that a

bridge too far?If you need someone

to hold your hand, then I don't know that

you'll be able to see this. Hold my feet,

hold my hands. Anything you can grab

onto. I'm scared.

My doggy is scared. He picks up on

my feelings. I'm dying, you

know. Oh,

scary, scary. He's afraid of my flesh.

OK, so this was

definitely interesting, and I appreciate

you taking your time to call me and and

share this experience with me. You're

welcome to call back again if we need to

go through it again. I'll call in two

minutes. I'm going to try to calm the dog

down. You are so wonderful. Oh, thank

you. Fantastic. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Thank you. Sorry for the chaos.

Look at that.