06x12 - Tiffany Haddish, Desus & Mero & Jimmy Kimmel

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell When the

world's gone to hell But you're gonna

feel swell When they pick

up From New York to Alabama

because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Thank you for calling . How may I help

you?My name is Marie. How are you doing

today?I'm good, thanks. How are you?

Oh, just great, thanks. So I wanted to

run something by you. I think your store

is really, really interesting. And I

wanted to know if you'd be willing to

come to my Sunday school and do like a

presentation, your Sunday school and do a

presentation. Yeah,

because I was looking

at the kind of books and periodicals that

you sell. And I think it's really

interesting that this would be a great

time for you guys to make. Pivot to

selling and promoting books that have a

positive message about the Lord.

I'm sorry, you just went from us

carrying different books than what we

carry to making a presentation to your

Sunday school. Yes.

What do you what is it that you're

calling about?I'm I'm confused. You just

went from one subject to the other and

kind of lost me in the dust. Oh,

well, I was just noticing that some

of the things that you sell at the store

do not seem particularly God-like. And I

just thought it would be a great

opportunity for us to all get together

and you could talk to the children about

how maybe this would be a great time for

you to pivot your products.

Oh, I appreciate your input, but I don't

own the place and I'm really not the

person to be speaking to about such

things. Oh, is it something you've been

wanting to talk to the owner about for a

while?Is it something what

you've been wanting to talk to the owner

about for a while?No,

absolutely not. You've been working. If I

was working there too, I'd be thinking,

Oh my goodness, am I doing the devil's

work or the Lord's work?And I'd be

thinking, gosh, I don't think that at

all. So, you know, maybe you should send

an e-mail because

these are not things I'm thinking at all.

But I think we can all together and you

go to the website, you can certainly send

an e-mail to the owner. Well, luckily

Jesus didn't say that to his flock, or

else we'll all be at a website. Well, you

have a fabulous day, my dear. Thank you.

Caught you, devil worshipper. Calling

back. Thanks for calling me.

Hi. I I'm 12 years old. Do you

have books that are for young people, too?

I'm sorry. Say that again. Do you have

books for young people, too?

No, not really. Do you have books about

the Lord?

We do have books on Western religions and

Eastern religions. Okay, what

titles do you have about the Lord?

Oh, hold on.

Just to name a few, I have All the

Apostles of the Bible, Life and Teaching

of Jesus and Mary, Saint Washington, The

Gospels According to Jesus, and The Last

Days of the New Testament. OhhOK,

I read those. Now, when you said Eastern

and Western, don't those conflict?That

sound confusing?We don't choose the

books that we carry. We try to cater to

all different religions. Oh,

different religions. Yes, there's just

one. Do you have the one religion?No,

there's not. There are several. Did you

choose the devil?Cause it sounds like I

caught you.

Well, fine.

This is Sagan. I hear I live here.

Oh, off and die.

You wish, girl.

Hello, this is Jen. How can I help you?I

I was wondering if you guys could do me a

favor. I'm a regular at the ice cream

shop and come there for a long time. Is

there any way I could use your

refrigerator for?My refrigerator's out

and I got some meat, some cold cuts that

are going to go bad. We can't right now

share things filled with cakes. Yeah, I

know. I just need a little spot in the

corner. We're not able to because we have

the delivery also coming in. The meat's

flat. It's going to fit. You know what I

mean?It's not like it's it's it's blown

up. It's not like a balloon. But I could

just put them right on top of the cakes.

It's just, you know, it's like a pound of

bologna and you know, some salami and

American cheese. But it's it's starting

to go bad. I'm sorry, we can't do that,

Sir. Why?I could just tuck it in the

corner. Well, because of the business,

Sir. We can't put your your sandwich

meats on top of our cakes. That's also

like cross-contamination. Even if it's

not raw meat, we can't do that. No, but

it's it's wrapped up though. It's not

like it's out in the open. I know

we're not really able to do that, Sir. I

don't understand. I'm a regular there. I

mean, I'm, you know, I just need it for a

few hours. My power's out. The stuff

started to turn green. We can't do that.

I understand that you're a regular, but

we can't do that for you. I'm sorry. This

meat's expensive. It's going to go bad. I

know. Sorry. You can't just use a

freezer, Sir. I don't know what else to

tell you. Look, I can wrap it in my

socks, so it won't even get on the cakes.

Again, there's nothing we can do for you.

I'm sorry. But you can even have one of

the sandwiches if you want. You can make

a sandwich for yourself. I'm not going to

say anything. It's not for customer use.

It's only for the store use. OK, but even

with the meat, you could use it for

toppings, maybe on some of your ice

cream, you know, like a bologna sundae or

something like that. I'm sorry, there's

other customers here. I have to hang out.

I don't want to be rude, but we do have

other customers here. No, I'm busy. I'm

busy too. I'm busy too. I mean, I

got sh*t to do.

Calling back.

Hello, ice cream shop. How can I help you?

Hi, this is Bobby. We just talked on the

phone. Sir, again, please do not call the

store. We're not going to let you use our

freezer. No, this I look, I know you

can't say it over the phone. You know

what I mean?That you can't say I could.

You'll take the meat. So I'll just leave

it right outside the door for you. You

could just put it in there. I'm right

around the corner. Anyway, I'm in anUber.

Ice cream shop. How can I help you?I just

want to let you know I left the meat

right outside the door, so you could just

pick it up anytime. We're not taking your

meat. OK. Thank you. No, but I left it

dangling on the edge of the garbage can

outside, so you could just take it right

off of there. We're going to throw it

out. Why?Because, like, we're not doing

it. But it's still good. We're not. We're

not. Look, I I took it out of paper so

it wouldn't take up so much space. So

it'd be easy for you guys. No, we're not

taking it in. That's like the end of it.

The garbage can was just clean, so it's

not like it's going to be dirty meat that

you guys are going to put in there. No,

sorry. This is getting weird. OK, Why is

it getting weird?How could you be so

heartless?Do

you think the security guard guys would

sleep in a room with me?Is that something

possible?I'm gonna have to have someone

to talk to, Craig. I don't know. All

right. Thanks so much. I appreciate it.

She also hates being tickled. Just

maybe put that in the file. First name's

Craig. C-R-A-I-G. Last name's

Paula.

Thank you for calling Protection. How may

I help you?Yeah, this is Craig, and I

need security. What is your name?

My name is . What's your phone number,

Craig?My phone is



address as well?Well, actually I don't

have a name. It's my mom's e-mail address

that I use. That's

OK. My problem though is I need security

from my mom. What is?What

isWhat would that cost me if I was just

to get some protection from?

From someone who's already in my house,

which seems like the protective people

have to be in my house. I I don't

know pricing. I'll have to have someone

call you back. It's kind of emergency. I

saw. I saw her squirt lemons into my hot

teeth. So she's clearly trying to burn my

vocal cords or something. And she and she

abuses me with her words

all the time. OK. All right.

Yeah, I'll. I'll forward this message and

have someone call you back. Thank you. Do

they have g*ns?You know what the

security guards have?Some do. I don't

know if all, but yeah, they definitely.

Some of them. I need some g*ns. They've

got to bring g*ns cause my mom, she's a

very strong person, surprisingly

strong. And I'm I'm worried if there are

g*ns that that it won't work and she'll

beat up all the security guards. All

right. My mom is only afraid of roller

coasters, so you better be some serious

security. All right. Yeah,

I'll have somebody back. Thanks. All

right. Thanks so much. I I appreciate it.

Do you think the security guard guys

would sleep in the room with me?Is that

something possible?I'm going to have to

have someone to talk to, Craig. I don't

know. I'm sorry. All right. Thanks so

much. I appreciate it. She also hates

being tickled. Just maybe put that in

the file. OK. All right. Thanks so much.

I'll note it down for you. Thanks. All

right. Have a great day. Bye.

Thanks. Bye.

Calling back. Thank you for calling

protection. How may I help you?It's

Craig. Real quick. I need you to put some

note in my in in the file that you're

sending off. I need to see if they

one they will take care of pets. I'm in

my my closet right now because

I'm hiding from my mom. That's how

serious this is. OK. Could you. I'm

putting you on speaker. Could you tell my

mom I'm not doing anything wrong?Just say

Craig wasn't doing anything wrong.

Craig's doing OK. Could you say that

again?You're on speaker. Yeah, Craig just

gave us, gave us a phone call. Yeah. And

I wasn't doing anything wrong. Yeah,

Craig, you weren't. Craig wasn't doing

anything wrong. He just gave us a phone

call. Thank you. Yeah, that's all I was

doing, Mark. He's one of my friends.

You're my friend, right?Yeah, Craig. So I

was not calling a security place. I was

just calling my friend. So that's how

this was, right?

He's a shy person.

What's the highest score one of your

students has gotten on the SATs?Yeah, it

looks like we've had somebody that's

gotten a 1350 on the

SAT. That's embarrassing.

Huey Lewis got a perfect 2000 and he was

stoned off his a*s

Class tutoring. This is Steven. Steven.

Name's Bircham. You guys do the SAT prep.

Yes, we do.

OK, I got

gals. I got twins. You guys handle

twins in

what?Like in what way?Like cause we do

tutoring one-on-one. So if you're looking

for something for them to do it together,

we would still do separate sessions, if

that's what you're asking. Well, now see,

here's the rub. They're conjoined

twins, so they're they're together all

the time. All right.

Have they taken the SAT before?Well, they

took the PSAT and then I noticed

the one Cheryl Ann that that'd

be to your right. If you're facing them,

she she cheats off of Lily.

That that would be to the left if you're

facing if you're facing them. So

the one is cheating off the other. I'm

not going for that. I got to figure out a

way to get some sort of division or

screed or duvet teen or some sort of

curtain, bath curtain or something in

between them. So the one is studying and

not looking at the other one's paper.

Could you facilitate something like that?

I'd have to think about it a little bit.

I we could probably come up with

something. Well, these kids don't have

anything except for the three

foot of flesh that connects them. But

other than that, there's normals that day

is long. As a matter of fact, you

couldn't tell they had anything if you

just spoke to them over the phone. So of

course, you know, if one of them needs to

take a bathroom break, well, obviously

the other one's got to go too. So, you

know, we couldn't stagger that. Yeah.

What's the highest score one of your

students has gotten on the SATS?I

think we've had somebody. It looks like

we've had somebody that's

gotten a 1350 on the

SAT. That's embarrassing.

Huey Lewis got a perfect 2000 and he was

stoned off his assWow.

What you're saying to me with your 1350,

you're like saying, oh, I run a

camp for baseball and the

highest batting average we've ever had

out of here is 141.

I'm just, I'm waiting for you to sell me

something. I'm selling you on

conjoined twins coming to your

facility to study. And

where are we located?I didn't call to be

quizzed on Salt Lake City, touché.

You tutor in math?Yes.

What's 21 21?

I didn't think so, son. 441.

All right, great. You got

hold of your iPhone. Did you go to

college, son?I did.

Junior college?No.

University of Alabama. Jesus

Christ. If I were your parents, I'd be

pissedYeah, well, they spent all

that money sending you to Alabama. Get

your four-year degree, drinking Mickey's

Big Mouth, ripping bong loads, making fun

of the president. Then you end up in

Utah, going home every night.

No girl. Pulling your pod?I'm

far from home. Did you know that

Chuck Woolery got an



Yeah. I'm sorry that I don't know--

don't know celebrities' SAT scores. Do

you know Mark Wahlberg and Donnie

Wahlberg both got higher than 1350?

It's out of-- it's out of



not on the previous scale. Yeah. Well,

guess who got 2000 when it was out of



What?Don't give me your sliding scale

bullshit son. I didn't just fall off a

cabbage truck.

A lot of lonely hearts out there.

OK, what kind of bird are you looking for?

You have a bird with Megan Rapinoe cut

with the blind in the middle and the

purple on the sides. I'm reading. I'm on

it. What kind of bird is that?Cause I've

never heard of that. It's a l*sbian

friendly bird.

Bird time, may I help you?Hi, my name is

Shasta and I just, I just had a bird that

passed away and I was looking to purchase

another bird and I wanted to talk to you

guys about the stock that you have there.

We don't have a lot. What are you looking

for?Um

I'm a l*sbian and I want actually a

LGBTQ bird,

preferably beautiful rainbow

feathers. And I I don't want it to be too

judgmental of me and my wife's lifestyle.

A bird is not going to be judgmental. The

last bird that we had, it judged me and

my wife when we would do things like

kiss, when we would scissor. And I really

did not appreciate that. OK, what kind of

bird are you looking for?What is the type?

You have a bird with Megan Rapino cut

with the blonde in the middle and the

purple on the sides. I'm reading. I'm on

it, reading it right now. What kind of

bird is that?Cause I've never heard of

that. It's a l*sbian friendly bird.

Never even heard of it. Well, it says

here that you have birds that have

Birkenstocks. What are you

talking about?I'm ma'am, I'm reading it

on your website right now. No, you're

not. I am. No, you're not. I want a

l*sbian bird, but I I I would completely

embrace a g*y bird, a bi bird, a trans

bird, a q*eer bird. I'm I'm, I'm, I'm

telling you, I've never even met

a bi or g*y bird. Ma'am, you I I feel

like you're getting very agitated with me

and I am just going off of look, I have

this site. It tells me about g*y friendly

places where I can purchase animals and

go to clothed and you guys were came up

on that list. So I thought that I would

get better service here. You can.

You can come in here. Absolutely. Our

birds are not judgmental. Neither are our

people that work here. But I can't tell

you, you know, if a bird's going to like

you or it's not. It's going to be how you

raise it. Oh, yeah. But if you get an

older bird, older birds

do have some preconditioned behaviors

already. Oh, yeah. My uncle had a bird

that hated Jews, and we had to put it

down. OK. Listen, I made the

mistake once, OK?I adopted a Maine co*n.

Do you know what that is?A cat?Yes.

No, it's not just a cat. It's one of the

biggest cats out there. And every single

time I put the L word on, it's screeched.

And I can't have that happen with my

bird. Well, I don't know what to

tell you. I really don't. Get a

baby and train it how you want it. All

right. OK, let's talk about price, then.

Let's do something a little simpler. The

gold star l*sbian birds would start off

at how much?We don't carry l*sbian birds.

I don't know what that kind is. I'm not

trying to be judgmental. I'm really,

really not. I don't care if you're purple

with pink polka dots. I'm just trying to

figure out what kind of, you know, I

don't appreciate that. I got a Chihuahua

with purple and pink polka dots. Can I

get your manager on the phone?He's the

owner and he's not here right now. He'll

be here first thing tomorrow morning. I

can even leave your number if you would

like a call back. OK, well, this is the

only store that said that your birds.

Won't be, you know, crazy towards me and

my family like the Times Times Magazine.

OK, OKI'm just letting you know, like the

facts. The Times Magazine rated birds the

most h*m* pets the last three years

in a row. So I definitely need to be

careful. Never have I had a customer come

through here and experience that. You

sure?I promise you. OK?

Why would a bird care?Why would a

bird care?But that. Well, that's the

thing. That's where your expectise come

in. I'm just calling to make sure I'm

coming to the right place. Like on your

website, you guys are doing LGBTQ

discounts on your birds, correct?What

website are you on?Tell me your website.

I'm on your website right now, man. What

is it?Hold up. Let me get to it. Jeez.

It's on gaybirds.org. That is not us.

Bird time. That is our store.

Exactly. Are you in front of a computer

right now?You should type it in. I am not

birdtime.org. I know our store

website. Yes. All right. Well, there is a

link and it says g*y friendly pets. OK,

well, if you want, I'll have the owner

call you tomorrow. All right, well, you

just tell the owner that I need the bird

that wouldn't want to be around any Dicks

at all. OK, well, good luck with it. And

you can also tell him that if the bird

doesn't like Ellen, I'm bringing the bird

back. OK. Uh huhBye.