06x10 - Wanda Sykes, Adam Carolla & Annie Murphy

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell when the

world's gone to hell But you're gonna

feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

This is C.A. Kramer. How may I help you?

This is Kramer. Yes.

Hi. HiMy name's Angela. I was just

calling to see if you guys might have my

car. Yeah, the plate number.

Oh, right out of the gates with the

the tough questions. Maybe I should start

out with a question like, what can you

tell me about the the car?It was a

bit black, kind of in the black

family, maybe midnight

blue, anywhere kind of on the spectrum

from Gray. To to

to midnight black, I would say.

Who makes it?It's one of it's a French.

It's a French like

Toyota. Maybe it's a Toyota.

Toyota. Toyota is Japanese.

Oh, then maybe it's not. I know when I

left the bar, I I was hungry and I

decided to get some fast food. There is

probably 3 Taco wrappers in

the passenger seat. And now, not the

wrappers that actually the edible

wrappers that hold the Taco, but just the

empty wrappers. OK,

well, if I ask you questions, I can

ask you for what I need to know. It'll go

quicker that way. That would be great.

That would be great. OK. Do you like

tacos?Are you a Taco?Taco fiend like

me?I love tacos. Oh,

good. We'll get along just beautifully.

Fortunately, that doesn't doesn't help me

find the car. You make a good point.

OK, where where do you know what street

you're parked on?I had to pull over. I

was, I was pulled over and

what?I'm really confused.

Were you pulled over or did you go to get

tacos?I pulled over

at I think kind of at the same time that

I I was perhaps getting pulled over for

speeding. But then I think the police

officer saw just how urgently I needed to

to get a little snack and and

continued on his or her way. I wasn't

able to tell. Or their way. I yes, I

wasn't able to tell the gender. You were

pulled over for speaking and you got a

snack. Can you try to think

real hard and and like, remember more

about the car?It had the sweetest little

bell on the handlebars that would just

warn joggers. Hello, I'm coming through.

It's me. Enjoy your day. I try

to get the the make of the car. A

flork. That's the make of your

car. Florenzio, Florenzio,

Florenzio.

Florenzio. Slanda

Doddle. Oh, OK.

Hey, I would. I cannot talk at

this time. If you want to catch me later,

I'll. I'll be. It's. Yeah. Would

you like, could you give me your cell

phone number?I no,

no thanks. OK,

I understand and respect that. A creamer.

No, that's your name. Your name's Kramer,

right?Yeah. I just

love you. I just love you. You

too. I love you too. You do?

I do. I really do. I really do.

I love you. OK, now. Bye. Was

that real or was he with me?

Can a germo go out with a with a with a

hamster?Can a hamster go out with a with

a Guinea pig?Can they?Are they all

fooling around?

Hobby Center. Wayne speaking. How can I

help you?Wayne. Wayne.

Wayne. I got a big issue, man. So here's

what happened. I went to your site. I

ordered the Camaro, right?Yeah, I saw it

was 175. OK. I'm gonna tell you

something, man. My eyebrows went up like

boing. What is in my budget?It's

perfect. It comes and it's not a

real car. You know, you guys should put

warnings on the site, you know, or at

least show the car. The car is so

realistic. OK, so let's pause for a

second, please. So you ordered from our

website, correct?Yeah. OK. So

what's your what's your name?Phil

Johnson. I'm looking into your order now.

Look, let me break it down to you. When

it's displayed, it's shown

it's it's not a real car. You gotta

shorten this to a grown man or something

so you know it's not a real car. I mean,

we're a hobby store. It's obviously not a

a real car that you could drive. Let me

finish telling you the story. That way

you can break it down and you can feel my

pain right now. I can't yet because I

don't know what you ordered. I had

pre-got my insurance coverage. I I even

bought a little fool girl for the

dashboard. OK, I'm just not seeing your

order. Where are you located?Oh, man.

Wayne. Wayne, you're k*lling me, man.

Just work with me. I'm trying to get some

information, gather your information so

we can move forward. Wayne, do you own a

Camaro?I own a 10 year old Chevy

Cobalt. I'm just trying to figure out

what you're talking about, Bill. If you

drive your Chevy to me and then we

switch. You take this little a*s car

back. I take yours. Yes. But what's your

address?If we send you out something,

we've got an account for you. You don't

see that movie Stewart Little because

little a*s mouse. I don't like that. I'm

sorry. I need to know your address. I

just don't want to go through the whole

trouble of sending it back, man. Is is

there some kind of a tiny tow truck

you can hook it to?Maybe that way. At

least if you send a little tiny a*s tow

truck, you can get this little tiny a*s

car. All right, we're going to ask you.

I'll put you through to my manager. One

moment. Oh, way you're k*lling

me! This is Brett. May I help you?Brett,

here's-- here's the rundown. I need you--

I need-- I need you to listen to me and

understand my pain. Sure. What can we do

for you?Look, I got the Camaro online,

right?The Camaro photo looks too

realistic, right?I'm thinking it's some

kind of auction, and I'm getting a real

Camaro. You just can't send a person-- a

grown man a car like this. I can't pick

no girl up in this. So...

You bought a diecast car, is that what

we're trying to get at here?I didn't ask

for no damn Hot Wheels car. If I got my

big a*s in this little a*s car, even a

dude in a smart car would laugh at my a*s

People like, look at your stupid a*s in

that little a*s Camaro. That's like

little d*ck energy I'm giving off, you

know what I'm saying?I'm a big a*s dude.

I'm like 62, 200 pounds.

Yeah. And and whenever, yeah, whenever

you order from an auto parts dealer or

auto dealer, you get a real car. But

we're a model shop. So yes, anything that

we sell here would be a model. And maybe

it's somebody even above you. There's

Wayne and then there's then there's Brett

and then there's another dude above you

with another white man named like a Chet,

a Chet. Is there a dude named Chet there

who's even above you?No, no,

there is not a Chet. No. Hey, how about

this?How about I come pick you up in it

and you can see how small it is and we'll

both get in it and take a little spin.

How about that?What you ordered from us

is not a Camaro. We don't have any

pictures on there that show different

stuff. So I'm I'm thinking that you may

be confused on who it is that you may

have ordered this from. Look, I don't

want my money back. Maybe we could throw

in like some free oil change or something

like that. Maybe. And you know, at least

I'll get something out of this shitSure,

yeah. Yeah, I'm not sure how we would

change the oil on a plastic bottle, but

but yeahBrett, I appreciate it, man. You

tell Wayne, I said thank you, man. And

And hire a dude named Chet to work there

also. Just hire somebody named Chet. I'll

look around. I'll definitely look around

and see if there's some Chet. Man, you be

good, man. You do the same. Peace, man.

And how come the instructors don't carry

a g*n?We definitely would not

want to have our instructors carry g*ns.

Well, I'm gonna tell you right now, if

some b*tch in a minivan cuts me off, she

gonna get T-bone. I'm gonna tell you that

right now. Thank

you for calling Coach Rider Driving

School. This is Roland. How may I help

you?Hello, Roland.

Look, my son is taking

driving lessons from y'all and I

need to know what the curriculum

is because what what what he

told me y'all are teaching some nonsense

over there. Y'all gonna get this boy

k*lled. So what what's what's the the

particular?Well, the the particular

issue is y'all are not teaching him.

The proper way to handle driving,

you know, and being safe on the road. He

told me he was at a stop sign,

right?And he was waiting

to make a left turn and some guy honked

at him and flipped him off. And

guess what the instructor told him to do?

To ignore him. OK, well, I you know what

you got to do with a bully on the road.

You gotta. Drive and get right

up on his bumper and follow that Jackass

all the way home. Yeah, well, I mean, I I

do apologize, ma'am. We definitely do not

encourage our students to ride up on

other cars and threaten other people.

And how come the instructors don't carry

g*ns?How come y'all don't have a g*n?You

know, the the safe thing is not to be

ignorant with them and and get violent or

aggressive with them. And we definitely.

Would not want to have our instructors

carry g*ns, baby. The safe thing to do

is you got to be extra ignorant. You got

to out ignorant. I know, but if

somebody is rude to you, following them

and creating an altercation is not not

the safe thing to do, ma'am. Well, I'm

gonna tell you right now, if some b*tch

in a minivan cuts me off, she gonna get

T-boned. I'm gonna tell you that right

now. Well, you don't run 'em off the

road. You do run 'em off the road.

Why do you think there's 27 Fast and the

Furious movies?They didn't make a Driving

Miss Daisy 2?Well, that's a movie. That's

a movie, and we're talking about how to

teach people to drive. So I don't I don't

see the connection. I bet you y'all use

signals and everything, don't you?Well,

our job is to teach people to to be

successful on their test and to be safe

drivers, and that's what officers

want to say. Have you ever backed up on

an on-ramp?Have you?Oh,

hell yeah. If that ain't the way I want

to go, you back that sucker up, go the

way you're supposed to go. Back up on the

on ramp and go the opposite direction

where oncoming traffic is coming at you.

That sounds good. Everything you wouldn't

want to do, she said. I bet you put

your seat belts on too, don't you?That's

what most people are supposed to do.

The proper way is before you open

your door, you take your seat belt, you

click that b*tch in and then you sit down

on top of the seat belt. That's how

that's how that's how real G's do it.

Real G's. Yeah, let God handle it.

Let God him. That's why they say Jesus

take the wheel. Hopefully you're not

teaching other people to do that. You

just you just let me. I'll tell you what,

let let me come down and teach my son.

He's in the 6th grade and he's only

driving at a fourth grade level. That's I

need. I need to come down there and teach

a class. I can. I can teach those little

shits to stand up for themselves. OK.

Will you continue to do that?I also can

teach him how to siphon gas from other

cars. You know, when you want to save

some money. That's just a little, that's

just a little something on the side.

That's, you know, I don't put that in the

syllabus or anything.

We'll have to let you go, ma'am. You have

a good day.

Of course, the technician needs to be

there to to take a look at your chimney.

But based on what you're looking at right

now, slower, slower, slower,

slower, slower.

So someone will come out and look at my

chimney.

I keep going with this.

Service, how can I help you?Is this the

chimney sweep?That's correct.

Wonderful. I need my chimney

serviced something awful.

OK, Jeff, for sure.

What is your name, love?What's your name?

My name is Luis. Luis. Now here's what's

happening. All right. The grime and filth

accumulated in my chimney over the years

requires A thorough clean. All right,

all rightNow, do you do the service or

to someone else?No, I just send. I just

schedule the appointment for you and send

one of our technicians to your place. I'm

going to be honest with you. There was a

time when I hid everything in my chimney.

Jewels, coins, family heirlooms. Yeah,

yeahThere's a flashlight up there. I was

trying to peek up there and whoops, I

lost the flashlight. Butterfingers.

There's so many things up there. I'll

stick a poker in there. I'll stick a

poker. Poke it, poke it, poke it. I just

can't seem to knock anything loose. You

know what I mean?OK. Santy Claus

does pay a visit to my chimney every

year, if you know what I'm saying. And he

has left behind some. Magical santy dust.

You know what I mean, Luis?Yeah, of

course. So one quick

question. When was the last time that

your chimney was swept?Well,

I'll tell you between us, I put on a

couple pounds, so it's been a while. All

right?But I'm ready to get back in the

game. I'm ready to get my chimney back in

the game. Yeah, no worries. We can help

you with that. Definitely. No worries. Of

course your chimney needs to be swept,

that's for sure. Based on what you

describe what they describe. Describe the

the process that they do. For example,

every chimney is different about the

size, the conditions, and everything, you

knowMy chimney is roomy but tight. In

this case, I cannot tell you what the

process is because, of course, the

technician needs to be there to to take a

look at your chimney. But based on what

you're looking at right now. Slower,

slower, slower,

slower, slower.

So someone will come out and look at my

chimney. No, in this case, we can

skip. We can... We can schedule you for a

chimney sweep appointment right away.

Last time I had my chute cleaned, white

smoke came out and they named a new Pope.

You know, it's been that long. It's been

that long. Yeah, it's been a while then.

Yes, yesNow what

sorts of tools were they used?Because I

prefer something made of silicone for

some deep cleaning. They have all the

tools that. Every tool that needs to be

done, but depending on the conditions of

your chimney, they use it, you knowSo I

can get ready, I can light some candles,

I can just freshen up a little bit, maybe

put on a robe. Exactly, exactlyYou know

what you're talking about. Yes, yesShould

I send some pictures of my chimney?

No, that's not necessary. Usually

we expect the worst, and I will place in

the notes that your chimney was swept

like a while ago. So they can be prepared

beforehand. May I tell you something?

Yeah. I had a big bowl of fiber this

morning, and I believe it's working. I

may not need to have my chimney cleaned

out after all. Give me one moment,

please. I have another call. I'm going to

place it on hold. OK?Just give me one

moment. Oh, no, I can't wait a moment.

The fiber is working.

Everything is coming out of my chimney.

Yeah, I bet. I bet it is, Sir. Oh, look,

there's a bowling trophy. There's a

raccoon. I feel 1000

lbs lighter. Oh, there's my remote. Time

to watch the clown. OK,

perfect. You're perfect. Now that we're

done talking about my an*s do you have

someone who works on fireplaces?

Doodles.

You say the maximum capacity is 500 lbs.

Yeah. Last time I took her to the truck

scales, she was well over 5 and that's

been. God, at least seven years ago. I

can't tell you how many snack wells that

was ago.

This is Taylor. Hey, Taylor. My name's

Birchum. Nice to meet

you. Yeah. YeahHey, you

guys do Tobel boom lifts?

Yes, we do. And what's the weight

capacity on those?About 500 lbs.

Oh, that light, huhYeah, yeah, I

got a situation.

My wife is morbidly obese.

She said she's in her bed most of the

time upstairs. She's got that. She's been

there for a while, but it's her 50th

birthday. It's coming up on Wednesday.

And I wanted to get her down to the first

floor and bring the family around and

kind of have a celebration.

Yeah. Yeah. So obviously we can't do it

manually. We got to use some

equipment and I think one of those

boom lifts would be would be just the

ticket. Let me

think. Last time I took her to the

truck scales, she was well over 5 and

that's been, God, at least seven years

ago. I can't tell you how many snack

wells that was ago.

Yeah, the only other. Thing I could

think of would be like a maybe a reach

forklift, but with a different attachment

or something like that. They have some

kind of, I don't know, futon attachment

or something. No, we just have the

fork attachment for that. Yeah,

I don't know. Sorry, I'm. I feel like I'm

burning you with my troubles. But you

know, you're married. No, that's OK.

Obesity. It's a it's a k*ller. Yeah, I

bet. We even had

relations and God, got to be a

decade. Or I don't know, maybe we

did. You know, it's hard to tell. I

got to be honest with you. Once you cross

that 500 LB threshold, it's it's a

little catch as catch can with the

relations. You know what I'm saying?Yeah,

that's OK. Yeah, you got to have a

positive ad. You got a man in your life?

Oh, no, not at the time. If I had

you, I'd hang on to you with both hands.

Oh, thanks. You should have told him

that. He was a little too childish for

me. Really. What was he into?

pokémon or something?Oh,

too many video games for sure.

Oh yeah, first person sh**ter. Oh yeah.

Wasn't gonna make enough money to

help me out. Well, you know, let me

describe myself. Not that I'm throwing my

beret in the ring, but.

Vietnam veteran, American.

Mm-hmmLover of God and country.

Go to Sturgis. Would you like me to

give you a call back if I find

anything out for you?If we're

walking down the street and there was a

puddle on the ground, I would take my

Cape off and lay it down so you didn't

get your dainty feet wet. Wow.

I mean, I don't always wear a cape, so

we'd have to chance it, but... Well,

thank you, sir. If there's nothing else

that I can help you with, you have a

great day. If we can get married, I can

take you to Sturgis, get you a job at a

high-end tool rental place over there.

Yeah, I think she's just-- she felt a

little flattered. That's what it was.