06x07 - Tiffany Haddish, Tracy Morgan, Jimmy Kimmel

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

We wanna throw our a*s in the slam

because we're disturbing others, baby

Even your mother won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Let's do... Bird and eyelash.

This is Luis. How may I help you?Hi,

Luis. How are you?I'm doing great. What

can I do for you?Luis, I was in last

Monday, and I lost a very specific item.

What kind of item is that?It was a very

expensive jeweled eyelash. It has, I

mean, it has real stones on it, colored

feathers, very much a look. And

I was laughing at a joke, and I'm very

expressive when I laugh. I mean, you

probably heard me. It was, you know, I'm

like, like a very high laugh.

And I think when I was laughing, it might

have flown to the table behind me. And

when did you say you were here?Last

Monday. And I come in and look for it

myself, but obviously I look ridiculous.

Last Monday and it's an eyelash. And what

color is that?You said it's a black

eyelash, but it's huge and it has kind of

a green detail in it. Like, frankly, I'm

worried someone thought it was like an

exotic caterpillar and just like squashed

it. OK, OK, let

me have your name and phone number just

in case. I'm going to, I'm going to call

my my other manager to see if she knows

anything about it. You said it's rather

large, correct?Oh, it's

huge and very expensive. And

the lashes were on loan from a designer

and I cannot burn that bridge. OK, OK,

not again, Louise. But I looked around

and I I don't see anything,

unfortunately. But have you checked the

bottom of your shoes right now?No, Sir, I

have not. But I'm doing it right now and

I don't have anything, Sir. No. Oh, I see

what's happening here. Yes, Sir. Are you

wearing the eyelash?No, Sir. I can't

just go out and get another eyelash. That

thing was made from lashes from a real

snow leopard, and I don't even think

those are out there anymore. I think it's

extinct. I mean, I this is Siri. I want

you to line up your employees and ask to

check their pockets. Well, Sir, I think

that's a little out there, Sir. I can

hear the eyelash flapping into

the phone. OK, I'm gonna hang up on you

now. Thank you so much. I can hear it

glamorously dusting debris from your eye.

Um, Sir, I don't have time for this. I

told you what I needed to do. Luis, I

don't either. I have one eyelash. I'm not

gonna. I'm not gonna argue anymore. I'm

gonna go ahead. Luis, neither one of us

is serving glamour with one eyelash.

Luis. Calling back.

Can I help you?Hi. Is Luis available?

Uh, who's calling?I just spoke to him

earlier. He and I have something we kind

of have to figure out. Could you just

yell to him, Louis, do you have the

eyelash or not?

How may I help you?Hi. I just wanted to

call and apologize. Yes, sir. I have a

solution here. Okay. What if I come

in, I order one of everything,

we sit on the same side of a booth, and

we just blink in unison?We both get to be

a little fabulous. I mean, this eyelash

means a lot to me. It's been in my family

for generations, but with glamour, it's

worthless unless you have someone to

share it with. OK, Well, Sir, did he

take your information down?Oh, he took

more than my information. So what do you

think?He took my lash. Sir, we're pretty

busy here. So, I mean, you're welcome to

come in here and try to talk to the

manager if you want. But I understand

trying to look great for the customers,

but frankly, with one eyelash, he's doing

neither of us favors. OK. All right, I

have to hang up now. Is he hiding under

that lash?Yeah, you are a very funny

dude, but but unfortunately, I got to

hang up. Why don't you-- I just want you

to give Lewis one message, OK?Yeah,

what's that?With great glamour comes

great responsibility, and I just want him

to use this power for good. I'll let him

know. How can I help you?How are you

today?Good. Uh, my name is

Carol. What's your name?Amanda. Hi,

Amanda. Look here, see, I work for our

Father God. Mm-hmmAnd he's

told me that you need prayer.

Mm-hmmThis is a donut shop, correct?Yes.

Well, this will only take about 30

seconds of your time. We'll pray over the

donut shop, the the employees, and the

donuts. All righty. Father God,

we approach your throne in your son's

name. Jesus,

we want to pray for Amanda and everyone

that works in the donut sugar.

Yes, Lord, we want to bless those hands

because they are making the donuts.

The donuts that you have put the recipe

down for the people to make. Lord,

with the flour and the honey

and the sugar. The

glaze. We praying for the glaze on the

doughnut. Ain't that right, Amanda?We

praying for this, aren't we, Amanda?Yes,

we are. Yes, yes, yes, yes, Lord. Yes, we

are praying for the deliciousness, for

the milk, the whole milk, the

almond milk, the soy

milk. Please protect them, Lord. Protect

Amanda. She needs a raise. She wants to

be able to sell the most doughnuts. And

then they give her a raise, Lord. Oh,

yeah. You need a husband?I've got a

boyfriend. You got a boyfriend?OK, Lord,

we want to turn that boyfriend into a

husband, Lord. Oh, the Lord

is telling me right now, Amanda, telling

me right now that you you going to be

pregnant. Oh. If you're not pregnant

already. Oh, Amanda. The Lord

told me if you sit on top of it and drop

it like it's hot, that's it. Drop it like

a donut hole. Oh. Amen.

Amazing

doughnuts. How

sweet they are when

the cream runs down

my cheeks.

I put them in

my mouth so far

I choke like he busted

in me. Oh.

And when you receive that blessing, you

are going to have to forward that to me,

honey. I'm not sure. Oh, God bless you.

Thank you. Awesome. Amen. Bye.

Oh, my word. If it isn't the

king, Elvis Aaron Presley. It's

Elvis Presley. Yes. Elvis, how are you?

I'm doing fine. How are you?Good to see

you again.

Hello. HelloI'm looking for the Elvis

impersonator. Yes, I can help you. This

is Carol Tiffany. I'm his manager. Hello,

Carol. I'm looking for an Elvis

impersonator, and I heard that your

gentleman is the best one in town. Is

that true?Of course. Now let me tell you

what's what, Carol. I recently started

dating again, which has been a disaster

until I met a new partner

who's a blind. It's been wonderful. It's

been one. Have you ever dated a blind?No,

I recommend it. So what I would like is I

would like to hire your Elvis

impersonator to convince my blind

partner that I know Elvis. Is there a way

to hear him?Is there a way to hear his

voice?Can you patch him in?Yes, I can.

You can talk to him right now. He's here.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Thank you, Carol.

Hello. Well, hello there, Sir. Is this

the king?If you think so.

What is your day rate for playing Elvis?

It's, it's $1,000 plus expenses. Would

you do me a favor, Jeff?Would you take

that thousand and would you double it?

Okay. All right. Now here's what's what.

I've just recently started dating again

and I'm dating a blind. The issue is

I've convinced this blind that I'm a

who's who in the entertainment industry

and I know everyone, including Elvis

Presley. Now the blind doesn't know that

Elvis has passed away. He can't read

newspapers, you see. So what I would

like, I'll set the scene. I'm going to be

having dinner with my blind. You walk

in, you'll say hello, Niles. It's me,

Elvis. Oh, well, hello, Elvis. It's nice

to see you. Blah, blah, blah. We'll chit

chat. I'll introduce you to my blind. You

say lovely to meet you, blah, blah, blah.

And then you walk off with your 2K

in your pocket and a smile on your face.

Carol, that you were talking to before

me, she's the one that handles

everything. She's the one you need to

talk about all the details. Can we just

do a quick, quick rehearsal just to see

what it'll be like?Sure.

The you you see me. I'm. I'm Niles. You

you're very excited to see me, Niles. And

then I'll introduce you to my blind. All

right. OK. OKAll right. I'll hear a ding

ding. That'll be the the the door as you

walk in. We'll be at Monty's Venetian

room eating some chicken piccata. All

right. And I'm eating. And we begin.

My chicken piccata is delicious. How is

your food, my blind friend?I

think it's delicious too. Ding, Ding,

Ding. There's the door. Hello. Hello,

Niles. How are you doing?Oh,

my word. If it isn't the king.

Elvis. Aaron Presley. It's Elvis

Presley. Yes. Elvis, how are you?I'm

doing fine. How How are you, Ben?

Good to see you again. It's wonderful to

see you, Elvis. I'm sitting here having

dinner with my blind, and I can't believe

you. Do you eat at this restaurant often?

I love this place. I come in here every

once in a while when I get chopped to me

when I'm in town.

Yes, my blind friend really loves you,

Elvis. Say hello to my blind. Hello. How

are you doing?Glad to meet you. It's good

to meet you. I can't believe you know

Elvis. I told you I knew Elvis Presley,

didn't I?Yeah, but I didn't think you.

Really. Well, did you think I was a liar?

No, I didn't think you were a liar. Well,

you're treating me like I'm lying to you.

And I told you I knew Elvis, and here he

is now. Elvis, would you please tell him

I'm not a liar?No, ma'am.

I have. I've known now for several years.

Yes, yesTell him how we used to eat soup

until we vomited back in Las Vegas

together. Tell him. Tell him how the

parties we had. We had some wild nights

back in Vegas, that's for sure. Did we

ever?Did we ever?I'll tell you what we

used to. What we would do is we would

crush up Demerol and and put them into a

pudding and then we would squeeze it into

each other's mouths. We had the wildest

times. Sure did. Give us a little shimmy

of the hips. Just give it. Just give us a

little Elvis, the pelvis. Hold on. Let my

blind hold on to your hips. OK,

he's holding your hips. He's big. And now

go ahead and grind the pelvis. Cha chunk,

cha chunk, cha chunk. Elvis, what

are you doing after?What are you doing

after dinner?I just hanging out with some

friends. That's all for right now. Until

my next show. You feel like getting some

Demerol and crushing them up with us?

Partying later, maybe?I don't do

that anymore. Well, whatever it is you're

doing, it's working. All right, Elvis,

thank you for stopping by. I love you,

Elvis. Can I have a kiss?All right,

Elvis, give him a kiss. OK, there you go.

You're on a date with me, not with Elvis.

And scene. Well, that was wonderful.

Jeff, I have to tell you something. I

think you nailed it. OK. I appreciate it.

Elvis, can I just say one thing to you?

What's that?Thank you very much. OK.

Adios. Finish your soup, love. It's

getting all over you. That was so

crazy. 75

years old, and she be getting busy. And I

go, Lord, how much, girl, you better

stop. You might be breaking her pelvis.

Oh, girl, I'm breaking her

pelvis. How you know?

Okay, let's do it.

Hello?HelloYes,

hello. This is a tattoo shop. Uh-huh

My name is Spoony Love. My friends call

me Spoon, and I would like to come in

and maybe get a tattoo. OK,

well, what do you want to get done?I want

to get a tattoo on my back of me and my

beautiful lady. OK, she been begging

me all week. Spoon, you say you

love me. You say you want me. I

call you Daddy, but you don't prove to

me. Get a tattoo on your back. And I

said, OK, OK, Mama, I

not called you guys.

OK, we're trying to make. We're making a

baby right now. Me and her. Right

now, like right this. No, no, noThis was

last night and she wants to capture this

moment. So I told her I would get a

tattoo of me and her making love

and put it on my back. OK.

And I would like it in like a comic book

form. So it's like different

positions. So like me and my lady go to

the beach, people can see on my back

what's going on in our bedroom. So you

want to have two of you guys having sex

on your back?I have a selfie stick and

we took the selfie stick while I was on

top of the behind her cause

she likes the doggy styleSo I took this

selfie stick while I was mounting her and

I took a few pictures in different

positions that you guys had sex. OK.



and I go, Lord have mercy, girl, you

better stop. I think cause I got a little

bit of money. So I think she trying to

make me have a stroke. Oh, you might be

breaking her pelvis. Oh

girl, I'm breaking her pelvis. How

you know?Well, she said I I ain't well

endowed. Yeah, I I bet

you are. It look just like a baby arm

holding an apple. OK.

Yeah. So I want to do doggy styleI want

to do me on top missionary.

And she want the bigger picture to be the

a**l sex part. She wants that. She said

she definitely want that because she love

it in the can. She love it in the can.

She got that threshold. Well, I don't

know, dude. Whatever reference you got,

that's what I draw from. So, OK, OK,

that's going to be awesome. Yeah, that's

going to be awesome. What are you wanting

to get?You know what would be even better

if Mia her came down there?And

perform in front of you and you can see

detail. No, nobody wants to see you

have sex. Well, I can have a shave.

Nobody wants to watch you have sex. It's

quick. I'm, I'm less than a minute, man.

You know, I don't be doing it all night.

Nobody wants to see you guys have sex.

Not like this. Nobody never seen me in

her the way we do it. If you'd

like to get tattooed. I'm a big guy.

I'm a big guy. I'm a big guy. You ain't

never seen that. Again, a woman's cervix

is only 4 1/2 inches inside of her

vag*na. Nobody wants their organs moved

around and stirred up. Why don't you get

your credit card and call me back and

we'll take your $150 deposit. What do you

mean no matter what she told me?

She don't even want me to pull out.

How's it going?That was a good one.

That was a good one. She said inside a

woman's only four inches. Nobody wants to

take organs moved around. She went into

detail. Hey, excuse me, excuse me, excuse

me. This is the business number, man. So

if you have a legitimate question, please

ask. But if not, I just ask not to waste

my time. OK?I do not want to rile you up.

You sound like a bigot. So I'm going to

calm down and just say, can you recommend

a product to make me fall back in love

with meat?Doctor Peanuts

on, right?

Supplements. Can I help you?Hi. Who am I

speaking with?My name is Drew.

Hey, Drew. How you doing today?My name is

Dan Sharon. I used to be a judge,

and then I smoked a vape pen and I became

Dr. Paynis. And then I became like a

little crazy and started doing weird

things. And then I calmed down and I

became Dan Sharon again. And then I came

to your store and I got some vitamins.

And I was wondering if you could help me.

What?What can I help you with?Well, a

lot of things, Drew. I'm not going to

lie. What was the

what was the

name of the product you purchased?Oh,

hold on one SEC. I gotta go get the

bottle. I'm. I'm in my yurt right now. I

built a yurt. I'm off the grid. I'm

living in a yurt and I'm using my own

feces for electricity. It makes no

g*dd*mn sense. Yeah, I'm. I'm not as

confused as to what your question is, my

man. Me too, Drew. I'm telling you.

Excuse me, excuse me. This is the

business number, man. So if you have a

legitimate question, please ask. But if

not, I just ask not to waste my time, OK?

No, and I don't. I do not want to rile

you up. You sound like a biggun. So I'm

going to calm down and just say, can you

recommend a product to make me fall back

in love with meat?Like I asked you

earlier, what was the the name of the

product you purchased?OK, it was called

Moonshot. The flavor was

Citrus Splash. The second it went in

my mouth, my brain changed. I went

to my sister's for brunch. She tried to

serve me sausage and I smacked it out of

her hand and started screaming shame.

Yeah, I'm. I'm just as confused as you

are, my man. I've never had it, never

heard, never heard of any, any anybody

responding to it like that. The man who

sold it to me was wearing a green shirt

and an eye patch. No, you might have a

gentleman selling ill*gal vitamins in

your store then maybe because that's

where I got it from. How can I, how can I

help you out?Cause you're I, I, I to be

honest, you're doing, you're helping me a

great deal just by talking to me because

it's you're getting me down off the

ledge. You know, I do. I I do yoga four

days a week, but I post about it eight

days a week. It don't make no sense.

Yoga's fantastic, man. I wish you could

see the position I am in right now. I

look like a dumb pretzel. It's insane. I

feel good. I wake up every morning, I

meditate for 13 hours, and then I go back

to bed. I don't mean to be rude, but I

actually have three or four people in the

shop right now. Can I?I'm sure. Put them

on the phone. I don't mind. If you do

need anything, stop on in the in the in

the shop anytime, my man. OK. Can I come

down there and sun my taint on your roof?

Can you what?Can I come down there

and sun my taint on your

roof?No, you cannot do that. But you can

come down here and ask me any questions

that you like. Well, you know, you

miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

You know what I'm saying?100% true. Yes,

Sir. Yeah, I will keep my

butthole 50 feet away from your store.

Appreciate that. You take care of

yourself, brother. You stay safe. And

like I said, if you need anything, man,

you step on him anytime. OK?Hey, hashtag

blessed. You know what I'm saying?God

bless you, brother. No, I said hashtag

blessed. I don't f*ck with that God

stuff. I'm not a religious man. To each

his or her own, my man. True. You are

even-keeled. I like you. Maybe we could

get together and take some vitamins

together. And by vitamins, I mean drugs.

Weed, shrooms, cocaine, heroin,

ayahuasca, salvia, and then licking some

toads. Oh, no, dude. I don't. I

don'tI don't get down with that stuff,

man. But I appreciate the offer, though,

bro. Oh, no. See, I like the drugs. I do.

Yeah. Listen, man, whatever. Teach his

own, you know. Can I ask you a question?

The three people that are waiting to talk

to you right now, what do they look like?

Is it three of the Ninja Turtles?I think

there's four Ninja Turtles, brother. I

know. I was asking if it was three of

them. Maybe Donatello stayed home to get

some work done. I I don't think Don the

fellow likes the rain, so that would make

sense. But bro, I got a few people I got

to take care of. OK?Oh yeah, me too. I

got a bunch of people over here trying to

f*ck sh*t up with me. So I'm gonna go do

that. I guess I got my buddy Stank Draws,

my buddy Cash Money, my friend Metcalf.

He's the one with the weed. He's my

favorite. All right, my man. I'll have a

have a wonderful evening, bro. I will. I

always do. And hey, when you go to bed

tonight, Drew, think of me and know that

you meant something. Sweet dreams, my

little b*tch

Say hi to Shredder for me.

Look at that.