06x04 - Jimmy Kimmel, Wanda Sykes & Kathy Griffin"

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

shelf When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When you wake

pick up From New York to

Alabamathe

slam because we're disturbing others,

baby, even your mother.

Crank Yankers!

Park, this is Amy. How may I help you?Hi,

Amy. My name is Terrence. I work

with Justin Bieber. Are you familiar

with him?Yes, yes

Wonderful. So I have an unusual request.

Justin wants to buy his wife,

Haley Bald Bieber, a gift,

but we're hoping to be able to purchase a

hippopotamus. OK, we

don't actually have full-size hippos

here. We only have pygmy hippos. Oh,

that's, you know what?That's exactly what

we want. A pygmy hippo. Something cute

and adorable. Something you could butter.

OK, Pablo Escobar, the

drug cartel guy,

had the hippos. And Justin saw a

documentary and Haley walked in. She's

like, whoa, what are those?And he

explained what they were. She'd never

heard of them before. And she said, I

want one, I want one. And you know, he

didn't say anything. He just kept it kind

of quiet. And so he told me,

hey, listen, track us down a

hippopotamus. We'll get it all set up

and let's try to get this going.

OK. How big are

these pygmies, hippos?They're

significantly smaller than a.

So this would be like a like an overhead

compartment type of situation. Or are we

talking haul of the plane?Are we talking

truck?I mean, for the transport and

stuff, it would happen for a truck. Are

they bitey at all?Well, I mean, anything

that has a mouth can bite. Yes, I've

always said that. Now, have you checked

to make sure that you can own a

hippo in LA?Not at all. No, I've done

none of that. You know, we're able

to get around regulations. Justin's very

friendly with the governor. What are the

hippos names?Our hippos are Pluto and

Posey. Pluto and Posey. Oh, I

love it so much. Are they related?

No, they're a breeding pair. Oh, they're

a breeding pair. So, oh, so they might

have babies.

And can you train them to dance?

They're hippos. Can you sleep with the

hippos or do they need to be wet?

They're not clean.

OK, last year Justin got Haley a

California Condor and we had an

unfortunate incident where it it clawed

into Haley's dog Tinker Toy and flew away

and never came back. And we're

hoping to avoid a situation like that

again. And so Justin

wrote a actually wrote a song about it

called California Condo took Tinker Toy

and flew. And it's got a

great beat, but it's kind of a heavy

subject. Would you be able to put

jewelry on a mini hippo, a

Pygmy?I mean, potentially. It's all going

to come back to the training and the type

of experience that it's had with humans.

So you're saying they don't bite if

they've been trained properly. It's a

possibility we could

put jewelry on like a necklace or

something for sure, but maybe even

piercings. And this is something

that they shouldn't sleep with, but they

could swim with, I guess, if we created a

habitat. All right, once again, it would

all come back down to training. What do

you estimate the cost?Do you sell these

by the pound or how does it work?Is it

like meat?I don't actually

do animal transactions. Well, you know

what they say. There's a price for

everything, right?That's a true story.

You know what I was wondering, and this

is just something that hit me and I

haven't run it by him, but do you

remember the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos?

I was wondering if we could do something

live, like if we had four hippos

and we put them in an arena of some kind

and we rolled various colored

melons and we'll get some grapes or

whatever and we'll roll them and

whichever animal eats the most would be

the winner and get to sleep with

Justin and Haley. I mean, I wouldn't

sleep with them. Anyway, so I'll get the

information

from the manager, I guess, and we'll get

maybe get these hippos shippoed and

sent all the way out to Justin.

Please tell Pluto and Posey we are

looking forward to incarcerating them.

Oh, that's nice. Wonderful. Thank

you. You have a good day. Thank you.

Don't judge my old timey landline. I live

for it. Ever since the Northridge quake.

Hello, this is Greg. Hey, Greg, my name

is Janice and I wanted to check to

see if you do custom made sculptures.

Yeah, well, that's what I that's what I

do. I well, actually, Greg, I'm

looking for a sculpture that is also a

statue. And it would

be a likeness of my

ex-husband. And well, I I yeah,

actually, I don't. I don't do that type

of. I don't do figurative

sculpture. That's the likeness of people.

Have you ever done, for example, oh, I

don't know, a stick figure, something

like that. Yeah, I would. I would

actually. Have you?Are you aware of

my website?I haven't seen the

website, but one of my girlfriends at the

club gave me a recommendation and she

said that your abstract work can really

capture the essence of of something or an

idea. And that's what I'm intrigued by

and. I wanted a piece

that would represent his

essence, which is some sort of a

portrayal of the human body, right,

as you interpret it. But it's important

that you portray the

gosh, how should I say his manhood

in a way that is flaccid,

OK?Take a

look at my website and

take a look at the sculpture page. I'm

I'm primarily carving out of Arizona

Onyx. I go to Arizona a lot actually for

that's perfect cause he he has a like a

flat assI mean perfect for just chipping

off that Onyx. I

would say pick out three or

four pieces that really

speak to you. I I don't want this piece

to speak. No,

noI

mean, I mean, I mean

speaks to you artistically. OK,

got it. Now, how mobile could this be?I

mean, I would like to be able to put the

statue on a flatbed to parade him all

around town. Well,

anything's mobile. Could you do a

mostly abstract piece?Cause I love where

you're going, but with an anatomically

correct manhood just jutting out just

that one part, I

suppose. Because it's it's

it's something that he's going to see

himself. He's actually coming over this

weekend. So what would the timeline be on

this?Oh, we're talking, we're

talking a while. I mean, I have ballpark

it. How much to make it by Friday?Oh, no,

no, no, noWe're talking weeks and weeks

and weeks, my dear. This is and and how,

how, how big of a piece are you talking

about?The good thing is the manhood piece

will be 3 inches at most.

And you know, with all that Onyx,

I'm thinking. 16 feet high. All

right. We're talking probably around 40

or $50,000. But how much are we talking

to get it done by next week?

That's not possible. That's when he's

coming to get the kids. And I really want

the kids to know what a a tiny d*ck their

dad has and and laugh. I mean, you know

how kids are. I can be sympathetic to

your to your sentiment.

All right, fine. Well, you would be doing

me and my children just a service if you

could just even just have the manhood

part completed by next week. No,

no, I I'm sorry that that's that that's

not really the way it works. Do you have

anything with a manhood piece that's

larger that we could kind of chip away at?

Well, listen, I have an available works

page on my website. And I mean, if

you're interested in one of those pieces,

then we could install one next week

that's not altered. He's only got six

weeks to live. I've got to get this thing

done. I'm. I'm sorry to hear that. All

right. I just do want to ask, though, is

it that my my ex-husband got you first?Is

that what this is?Name is John Lansing.

Have you been working with him?No, no,

sure haven't. I hope that he hasn't

commissioned you to do some sort of a.

You know, vag*na that you could, you

know, bigger than the Holland Tunnel. You

know what I mean?I I have to say, this

doesn't really sound real. And I and I

kind of think you're messing with me. Oh,

I assure you, it's very real. I I can

send you some photos of my my husband's

manhood. No, that's all right.

OK. Yeah. Take a look at the

website and then tell me what you think.

You know I will. God knows I have on this

call. OK. Thanks. All right. You have a

good manhood.

We're a little confused. We're in a dark

room. We've been here for hours. But you

have a cell phone. Maybe you could come

to my sultry voice, perhaps, if I

speak into the microphone a little more.

Sexy as yes. All

righty. I like the premise.

It's eating in there. Hello, who am I

speaking to?This is.

Hi, this is Caitlyn Jenner. You know I

am. Hi. HiWe're we've

been trapped in this room. We're doing

this reality show, a bunch of

celebrities. Yeah. And it's for

charity. And we've got to get, we've got

to get free heating. Does that make sense?

We need you to come here with some kind

of heating device. Stop talking.

Hello. This is Bill Barr. Do you know who

I am?I believe so. OK,

I'm stuck with these people and they're

driving me up a wall. Can you please

bring some f*cking heating here?We have

to finish the challenge so I can get out

of here. Oh, shut up. What a stick in the

ball. Kick your assI'll kick your a*s

Yeah, right. Also, Jeff Goldblum's here.

Yes. Jeff Goldblum here. Yes. YesYes

Could we please have some meat?I'm

freezing my ba*ls off. Yes. YesWell, I

could either sell you a brand new furnace

or we could get you a little space

heater over there. What?What's your

location?We don't have any. Well, we're

actually, we're given coordinates. We're

not exactly sure exactly where we are,

but we were given this challenge and we

don't have any money. They stripped us of

our clothes and money. We have to just

get the stuff. OK, what's the

coordinates?526

latitude. 1694

Longitude. Please hurry. I'm trying to

get out of here and go back to my life.

Oh, shut up. God, I f*cking hate Bel.

Don't you hate Belmar?Shut your shtick in

the mud. Pompous ash. Yes. If we could

please get some supplies here quickly so

we could excavate the area. You need

to excavate too. That's part of the

challenge. Yeah, we have to excavate.

Mrs. Kim, I order you to give us

supplies. Yeah, we're going to

need some compensation because this is a

place of business. I can compensate you

with a personal how do you do, if you

know what I'm saying, baby. No, no, no

It's a charity, baby. No. See what?

What's a charity?It's for kids. I don't

know if some kids are. It's for starving

children. OK. Can you just bring us a

heater or something?Yeah, bring us a

heater. You got to get us out of here.

Will you please just come to the

coordinates?Confirm the coordinates once

again for me, please. You got a sexy

voice. You shingle?That's not the

question. I'm shingle. Ready to mingle,

baby. What are those coordinates, pal?





can you please hurry up?I'm stuck with

these loser people. But it but your

coordinates changed. We're

a little confused. We're in a dark room.

We've been here for hours. But you have a

cell phone. Yeah, there's a speaker we

can speak into. They tell us what who to

call and when. So how are you reading

reading coordinates if you don't have any

light?There's Braille. We're not

reading the Braille correctly. Perhaps.

Maybe you could come to my sultry voice.

Perhaps if I. Speak into the

microphone a little more. Sexy. Yes. Yes

Yeah. Well, here's what I can do. You're

just going to have to yell really loud so

I can hear you, and then I'll follow your

voice. OK, we'll we'll do that. Thank you

very much. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of

here, baby. Have a good

day. Bye. Bye. Yes. Bye.

So hard to do. Yeah, I've been real

stressed. I was trying to, you know,

relax, and I saw this video on

YouTube how you can do, you

know, acupuncture at home, and I

think I I went a little overboard. I

would maybe call the emergency room.

All right. Calling the self-inflicted

acupuncture.

Thank you for calling. This is Aliyah.

How may I help you?

Aliyah, I I I need some some

help over here. You know,

economy times are tight right now. I'm

still waiting on my stimulus check and

all. But so yeah, I've been real

stressed. I I was trying to get, you

know, relax and that I saw this

video on YouTube how you can do,

you know, acupuncture at home and and

I think I I went a little overboard

with these pins and. Want to see if

y'all can give me some advice on how to

get these pins out. All of our

acupuncture is actually currently with

patients. I talked to my practice

manager. He said you might want to call

the emergency room to see how you would

want to take them out, but we have no one

here to instruct you on how to take them

out. Feels like somebody ran a sewing

machine over my back and I and I can't

really take them out myself cause I cause

I I messed up and put the pins in my

hands too. So when I try to.

Take them out with my hands. I I'm just

pushing the pins further in my in my

body. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. I don't know how they would

instruct you to take them out. You should

be able to just pull them out. But

I and you know what hurts more?Those

little push pins or I'm gonna tell you,

do not use thumbtacks. That is

not the move. Oh my goodness. I didn't

realize you could lose this much blood

either. Yeah, I would maybe call. I can't

see shitI would maybe call the emergency

room. I I I can't go to the emergency

room. How am I going to sweat over my

head with all these damn pins?Oh, this

was supposed to be relaxing. Do I say I

relax to you?My only acupuncturist

here is with the new patient right now

for the hour. I'm a sneeze.

I'm a sneeze. Y'all better watch out.

Everybody

duck. I feel better.

Oh shitMy cat. Oh, fluffy.

No, no

Can y'all help me get these needles out

my cat?They're they're in your cat. Yeah,

I sneezed and the pants flew out of

me and they they went to my cat.

But she does look relaxed.

It is beautiful. It's a wonderful house.

Oh, yeah. I didn't know you did a little

puppy here, though. Did you guys?Is this

dog supposed to be here?Oh, no, actually,

I didn't know there was a dog in there.

Give me one second. I want to look at the

house.

Hello. Hey, how are you doing?

Good. How are you?I'm doing

well. I gotta say my name's Ron. This is

a beautiful home. But are you still here?

I don't see anyone. I'm not at the

property at the moment. We have a lady

that she was hosting the open house until

five. Yeah, no, I'm here. And it doesn't

seem to be anybody here at all.

Oh, really?It seems a little empty. I'm

just kind of. I mean, that door was

open. I'm in here, but there's nobody

here. House is beautiful, though.

Yeah, the the sellers just repainted that

literally four days ago. Whatever you

did here is is beautiful. It's a

wonderful house. It's a oh, yeah. I

didn't know you did a little puppy here,

though. Did you guys?Is this dog supposed

to be here?But she's adorable. Oh, no,

actually, I I didn't know there was a dog

in there. Oh, it's a little Pomeranian.

Oh, come here.

Oh man, it's a beautiful home. A

beautiful shade of blue in this house as

well. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot more

better now. So I mean, it's a little

weird. There's some dishes in the sink,

but I guess that's kind of like show you

what it would be like if if you lived

here. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to

make the make the sell, make the buyer

still at home, you know?Oh, absolutely.

Oh, there's also some clothes on the

floor. Clothes on the floor. Yeah.

Well, you know, I don't see anybody. Hold

on. I see a couple people coming in right

now. Would you like me to come over to

check out what's going on?Maybe, because

they don't seem like they know I'm

supposed to be here. Wait, hold on. Which

which property are you at?I'm at



Oh, it it should be



Oh. Is it not the right?I don't think I'm

in the right, but I think I'm in

somebody's house.

Really. I think I'm in somebody's house.

I gotta get it. Oh, no, I wouldn't

cause I think they might be calling the

police. You guys don't need call the

police. You said will you tell you tell

him what?Tell him you're a realtor. Tell

him that that that I was coming to see a

house. Please. PleaseYeah. YeahHello.

Sorry. He was trying to come see the the

property for sale. I think he might have

stepped into the wrong house. What the

hell is going on here?I'm sorry. I'm

sorry. I didn't. I didn't mean

to. You don't need to do that. You don't

need to pull something out. No, no, no

It's OK. I'm moving. I'm leaving. Oh, my

God. You tell him. You tell him that

there's a house for sale right next door.

Tell him that what's going on. There's no

way this is happening. There is a man

pointing what I assume is is

his rightful g*n at me. And I'm not. I'm

not moving. No, I brought this meatball

sandwich here. Which house are you at

again?2043139.

No, it's two. It should be 20432. No,

I get that now. Trust me, I do get that

now. f*ck it, I'm taking the dog. Bye,

bitchesI got the

dog and I'm out the house and I got loose

and I'm coming to you. Where are you at?

Hold on a second. I don't know you and

I'm pretty sure you're trying to black on

me. Who are you?What could I blackmail

you for?I have, all I have to blackmail

you with is this tiny dog that I did not

even mean to take. Listen, I I don't

trust anymore, okay?Just go, goodbye. I

think that might have been my favorite.