05x19 - Adam Carolla, Iliza Shlesinger & Demetri Martin

[bunniefuu]

Could they just lay up and have sex in

there for a while?You could get down if

you want. I have no tan lines, only

because I get drunk and pass out outside,

dude. Yes, I do. My demon will kick the

sh*t out of a poltergeist. Is it carpet

or hardwood?Is it A A*DS B

herpes?Wah wah. Here I am.

working in insurance, and I'm just like,

What's the point?I'm talking about

getting back to the work of recapturing

greatness.

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up from New York to Alabama

because we're disturbing

others. Maybe even your

mother. Crank

Yankers! Good

afternoon. Thanks for calling

departments. This is Madeline. Or are you

calling about leasing a unit, a

maintenance issue or trying to reach the

office?Leasing a unit?A unit?

Yeah, I had a couple questions. OK,

that's a good neighborhood, right?A lot

of parking. There's restaurants,

walkable. That's really important to me.

Yeah, it it has a lot of good features.

Oh, that's great. Did you need to know

the pricing or what did you need to know?

People usually ask about pets. I'm asking

you, do you allow demons?

Do you want

to know if the you want to know if the

company allows demons?Yeah. Is

there a no demon policy?Is it written

anywhere?Because that would be a deal

breaker. No. I mean, they have a no

pet policy, but they don't have a no

demon policy. Well, that's good to know.

I don't even know how to say this.

I have sort of a evil spirit attached to

me. I was walking home one night and I

stepped on it. I didn't know it was a

doll. I don't know what it was. And then

it was a doll with a weird face. I

smashed its head and ever since then

something's following me. Oh,

that don't sound too good. Tell me about

the appliances. Um, give me one minute.

Go back to where I was. They do have

features, 13 foot ceilings, large

windows, unique interior finishes,

exposed floor. I tried to ignore the

demons. I said be gone. You have no place

here. And then the next thing you know,

my dishwasher breaks through no fault of

my own. So the demons are breaking your

dishwasher. They are evil.

My last dishwasher started bleeding. Is

this apartment complex haunted?Because my

demon is super territorial. He hates

other demons or ghosts. Poltergeist.

Don't even get him started on

poltergeist. My demon will kick the sh*t

out of a poltergeist.

Is it carpet or hardwood?It

looks like they are hardwood floors. Oh,

perfect. That's way easier to clean if

the demons, you know, accidentally

k*ll a local animal or something or drag,

you know, accidentally. Yes, Sir. I mean,

I don't know what to tell you as far as

your demon issue and the blood on and on

stuff and everything, but yeah, we had to

replace the carpet in my last place. I

mean, this may be the demon also

possesses Uber Eats drivers that come

knock on my door at all hours of the

night. The demon haunts the

what did you say?The Uber Eats?Yeah,

it'll sort of. Attach himself to other

people that come to visit me. Did you

need any other information?Because I've

got to get to other calls. But the place

sounds perfect. OK, well, I hope it is

for you. Can I come down?Oh, and

then also, the demons forced me to eat

all the food. I've gained 400 lbs. How

big are your doors?Hello.

Thank you for calling Dental. This is

Connie. How can I help you?Hi, Connie.

Are you a dental technician?I'm the

office manager at this location and I

used to be an assistant. Perfect. OK,

this is gonna sound weird, but I am

taking a dental exam. I am stumped on a

question. I'm gonna read it to you. Could

you give me some feedback?I I can't,

unfortunately. No. I like, I know. I know

this stuff. You know, when you study

really hard and then you get and you just

lock up. So it's not that I wouldn't know

it. It's just I don't know if I feel

comfortable giving you an answer. My

dad's paying my tuition. I I got to do

well. I can't go back to modeling. I

don't. I don't know what to tell you.

What if I was calling you from a radio

show and you could win money?What would

you say then, Connie?Well, I don't

understand the question, I guess. We're

calling from WDVE. We're going to ask you

some dental questions if you can guess

it. You'll win $100. Are you ready to

play?Oh, my goodness. Are you ready to do

this, Connie?I don't know if I actually

trust this. I feel like it could be a lie

to get me to answer some questions for

your test for you. Connie, the whole

g*ng. Hey, everyone, cheer for Connie.

Whole g*ng's right here. You hear them?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Can you say I love WWTV in Pittsburgh?Can

I get that from you?And then we'll get

started. I love WD whatever

in Pittsburgh. All right, we're going to

get started right here. Yeah. The virus

most responsible for which of the

following diseases is most resistant

to chemical and physical agents?Is it a

A*DS, B Herpes,

C Measles, D Influenza, or

E Hepatitis?Gosh, I don't know. A*DS. All

right, that's $100 in your pocket.

OK, no, but for real, I really need to

pass this test. So I'm gonna ask you one

more question. OK, if you can get this

one last question, I just. I just need

your advice. Which tool is

primarily used to explore the pockets

between teeth?Is it a scalar,

a dental syringe, or a sickle probe?So

this isn't really. OK, so are you really

taking a test?I'm so confused on what

you're doing. I scammed you a little bit.

OK. Do you really think that you're up to

par in order to actually do the job if

you can't pass the test on your own?You

don't have to walk the walk. I can tell

you right now, everyone in my office that

works here is qualified to do their jobs.

I know the answer to your question. I'm

not gonna answer it for you, and I'm the

only one in this location. You don't

know. That's what I think. I think you

don't know. And you're trying to cover

for the fact that you don't know. I went

to dental school. I'm a dental assistant

and I've worked in the field for like 10

years. I know what I'm talking about, but

I'm not gonna let you cheat on a test.

You don't know the answer. So here's the

thing. I absolutely know the answer. But

I don't know you. I don't. It's not my

opinion whether you fail or not. It's

yours. If you don't know the answer, then

I don't think you're qualified to do the

job. And it's a really easy question. So

it's. I don't. So sickle probe. I don't

know. You're gonna have to figure that

out on your own. Could you just narrow it

down?I can't do that. I'm sorry, but I do

have to go. Fine. But this is going in my

Yelp review. Have a good day. Oh, come

on. It's day, isn't it?Have a good day.

Event company. Thanks for taking my

call. I'm Evan, and

this is your event company. Yeah, I

guess I'll just jump into it. I I just

don't think I can keep working at this

insurance firm anymore. My my boss

sucks. I'm underpaid. Just feel like I'm

I'm overwhelmed at work and and I'm just

I'm I feel trapped and I I'm too far in.

Do you know what under

Unfortunately you've got the wrong

number. I'm so sorry. You probably had to

get up guts to do that. But we we are not

an insurance company. No, noI work at an

insurance company. I'm just before I

ended up in insurance, which I thought

was like, hey, I got to grow up and do

this job. Basically I was doing

birthdays. I was a birthday clown. And I

like, I like clowning. I like the

work of to clown, you know what I mean?

But you end up in the birthday thing and

it's like, sure, I can pee in my

pants. I can fall downstairs. I can.

Yeah, throw a ball at the wall, bounces

back, hits me in the face. Like I had

perfected a lot of the stuff. If the

kids don't laugh at it, it's not funny.

But yeah, so like, I gave it up and I

thought, all right, let me get like a

stable job. And here I am working in

insurance. And I'm just like, what's the

point?Yeah, you know, they say

that if you find something that you

love, that you'll never work another day

in your life. Yeah, I had. I had a

business idea, which is actually kind of

like a corporate clowning thing where

basically you could, you know, clown for

a day. Well, do you know what?I need to

get back to work. But I thought it'd be

cool. It's like a clown. You could order

a clown for somebody and they would just

shadow the person at work and just spend

for four or five hours in the office. And

there's a clown just doing his thing or

her thing, right. And then you got to go

to supply closet and I'm in there or

something, right. It might just brighten

the day. Anyways, I needed to vent, so

thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I'm. I'm

just. I don't know how much I owe you or

how the you don't owe me anything. We

make vents. Oh, so this. So

you make literal vents?Yeah, we make

literal vents for houses. I feel

like I owe you one. Do you want to vent

to me?I think I did that yesterday. I

even cried in front of my, our

employees. Well, thanks for letting me

vent. Pull your pants up and put on your

big clown shoes and go tell your boss

what you think of him. I feel stupid.

Don't feel stupid. Everybody hates their

f*cking job. You should come work for us

because we try to make it fun. Yeah. Have

a good life. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Honk, honk.

Thank you for calling . Manny speaking.

How can I help you?Yeah, my name is

Spong. This is storage company, right?

Yes. I got a homeboy. He's down on his

luck trying to eat. You need some place

to crash, man. Could he crash one of your

units?Sorry, we don't allow. And he

wants to sleep in the unit. Come on. You

said you'll store stuff there, though.

Yeah, you can store your. What's the

difference between a couch and a human

being?Because it's not a living

environment. Just for tonight. Just for

tonight. He needs some place to do his

lady. He want to get her pregnant. She's

ovulating. Sorry, Sir. I'm not allowed.

Can I just say one thing?Can I say one

thing?Sure. The dude's name is Kevin.

Because we call him Crazy Kev. I

can't. I can't do that, Sir. Back in the

days, he had a plate put in his head. He

needs some place to crash, OK?And we

can't went to the phone, but we came up

with your unit. That's good to hear. But

unfortunately I cannot do that, Sir. He

had beef with his baby mother. He crossed

the restraining on. Now they're getting

it together. But he just need some place

to lay. He want to bring her in there. I

cannot allow that, Sir. This will get you

into heaven if you did this.

Unfortunately, I'm not. I'm not allowed.

I'm not allowed to do this. So could they

just lay up and have sex in there for a

while?Could they make a baby in there?You

could get down if you want. You could.

You could get involved. What's up?You

could watch. You could participate. I

mean, the girl is hot. No, Sir. There's a

hotel and motels that are. You know they

can't afford no damn hotel. OK, Manny,

I'll throw extra $10 in for you. Like I

said, Sir, I cannot rent out a unit for

someone to sleep there or to even have

sex. Those are exactly where you just

told me over the phone. OK, but can we

stay at your apartment?No.

Crazy Cav want to stay at your crib. He's

willing to do it. I can't help you with

that, Sir. Do you need some place to make

a baby, bro?I'm so sorry. No.

OK. What if he brought a corpse with him?

A what?A corpse?No.

OK, I'm coming down right now, man. See

you in 5 minutes. I'm not allowed to do

that. I've been rejected before.

This is Bill. Hi, Bill. My name's

Denise and I have just kind of a crazy

request, but I have a friend who got

me one of those clocks. Have you seen him?

That says it's wine o'clock?

OK, you know, it basically means

every hour of the day is wine time, you

know?Yeah, so she

gave it to me. It cracked me up. I almost

pissed my pants when I saw it cause I do.

I do. I feel that way, you know

So anyways, I how much wine do you guys

got there?Do you do one of those monthly

memberships, a daily membership?What's

you know, cause I or a punch card or

something where cause I want to stock up

on some wine cause I I want to play out

this joke. You know, I'm funny in my

neighborhood. Sure. We've got just our

membership club. It's a.

Oh God damnSo we've got about 9000

members of that. It's really successful.

Yeah. And then we do have an every other

month club that we

put together. Honey, that ain't gonna

work cause this is a daily thing now

cause I'm getting known cause I've

already had people over doing wine.

Can I put a sign up in your place with my

address?I'm serious, honey,

because this could be, this could be a

thing where it's like we

this girl. I'm not selling, I'm not

selling your wine, but it's like you put

my address up. It's like, here's where

our wine will be. And my honey, honey, my

house is nice. I'm talking above ground

pool, baby. I got a tanning bed

too. Do you tan?

I know a tan guy when I hear one. I know

a tan guy when I hear one. Honey, my

husband wears jewelry. Thank you. OK. And

I have no tan lines, only cause I get

drunk and pass out outside. Nude. Yes, I

do. It's wine o'clock,

honey. I will tell you something. And I'm

not kidding. And I swear on my life and I

swear on my children. So burn them to the

grave if this is a lie. I have been in a

grocery store completely buck naked,

honey. All right.

I don't know. I don't know where we're

going, but. I'm going to

meet you because my husband does not care

if I stray. As long as it's a guy who

cares about his appearance. I'm coming

down there. Guess what?Also time it is.

Fart o'clock. Just kidding, honey. I'm

drunk as f*ck right.

Do you like girls who fart?What's up?

So can I can I get my

number?Oh, my God. OK. He does like girls

that fart and tan. Oh, my God. I know

something about you. No,

thanks. Please

come over and watch 300 with me. Come on,

we can play Spartan. All right. So,

honey, I got popcorn. And that is a

metaphor for.

So I'm going to, I'm going to let you go

now. OK. How about I let you go too?OK,

I'll let you go too. I'll let you go too,

because I got a grip. I got a grip.

You're in my hand. You're in my hand.

Hello. Hi there. This is Professor Tully

and I'm calling for some school supplies.

You sell supplies, am I correct?We do.

What were you in need of?OK, fantastic.

Well, I need supplies for my my class.

We are dealing with

human psychology and block building

and things like that. As you know, you

you have an education, I'm, I'm assuming.

Yes, Sir. OK, fantastic. So what I'm

looking at is a lot of supplies.

To enable my students to

I would like to what?I would like to

what?Give them the tools

for learning, which make

our our learning what?What

It makes it easier. That's

correct. You're right. And if I could

pick that up before you close, and how do

we do that?You'll have to come in and

pick up your supplies. That's exactly

correct. Good. OK. Moving on now

to filing supplies. How are we with that?

I have some file folders. Fantastic.

Fantastic. Because if you're not

organized, you're what?I guess out of

luck. You're out of luck. And how do we

get organized by what?

Purchasing supplies. Purchasing supplies.

You are correct. Thank you very much. Do

you have whiteboard for posters?

I have a few. OK, because we're doing a

big project. On the

immigration of the Aztecs, who were

what?WhatA

native tribe?Yes, that is correct.

Who were who?

Were they inhabited?Is that what you're

asking me?Yes. Where?Where

did they inhabit?I'm sorry, but I'll have

to continue this conversation with you

when you come in. Do you have style

rulers?I do not. Style rulers were

incorporated by whom?I'm not

certain. OK, I'm going to have to mark

you on that one. Who is this?I'm

sorry. I'm in such a teacher mode. I've

been. This is a business. OK,

so I will come down at what time do you

close?Don't call here anymore.

Because why?Goodbye.

Good afternoon. Thank you for calling.

This is Martin speaking. How may I help

you?My daughter's celebrating their 9th

birthday and one of them

loves loves the trampoline lifestyle.

The other one, not so much. And I'm

wondering, do you have stuff for the

other one to do while the other one's,

you know, enjoying herself?I mean, if she

doesn't just like trampolines, we also

have that ninja course. So my

daughters. They they have a handicap

and that they're what's known as

conjoined twins.

Wow. You know, this whole ninja thing

kind of reminds me a lot of my Vietnam

days. I got to tell you, man, a lot of

ninjas up there. Oh, really?Yeah. I I

don't want to relive any of that. You're

a young guy. You probably probably never

tasted battle. Just a just a football

field, Sir. Oh, you played a little ball.

Yes, Sir. I did in high school. Wow.

What's your what position?I was. I was

a defensive back. We're out there on

Marlin Island. Yeah, that's exactly where

I was. No one caught on me. Yeah, but

you're working at a trampoline emporium

now. Marlin, what happened?What happened

to the dreams of going pro?I don't know.

They just. I just didn't think I was that

good enough. Honestly. Marlin, let me ask

you, are you on the weed right now?

I'm not. No, Sir. You don't, uh, smoke

with a spleef?Sometimes. Occasionally.

Come on, Marlin, let's get off that

spleef and get motivated. Oh.

You ready to get real, Marlin?Or you want

to die wrapped in a trampoline

canvas?I want to. Sent out to scene a

Viking funeral. I want to get real.

Start the workouts tomorrow. I'll be at

the high school. I have the cones place

before you get there. We go at sunrise. I

just think I might have to get. Yeah, I

have my seat back to work now. I'm

talking about getting back to the work of

recapturing greatness. Marlin.

OK, I got a proposition for you. All

right, let's do it. I challenge your a*s

on that ninja course head-to-head. No

bracket racing. Not doing it for time or

for pinks. Winner. Pays for

my kids party.

Look at that.