05x18 - Brian Posehn, Nick Kroll & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

The password for tonight is Crab

Rangoon. What?Once you're in, you can't

get out. It's a very bad case of BB in

my assIf I could just talk to Lair Bear,

it ain't going to happen. I'm on a bus,

your lip 'til it's black and blue And if

you don't stop calling here... You will,

uh, blow sh*t out of your bus.

I am interested in, is it called a

p*nis facial?

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell

And the world's gone to hellBut you're

gonna feel swell when they pick

up from New York to Alabama

They'll probably won't throw our a*s in

the slam because we're disturbing others

Baby, even your mother wants you to join

the Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Hello, thank you for callingThis is Joby.

How can I help you?The password for

tonight is Crab Rangoon. Go to the

door. Knock two times. You'll hear a

whistle back. Say Crab Rangoon.

The door will open. Let no one see you.

What?Good. You're whispering. It's a

secret, so don't let anybody hear you.

What?Oh, don't. That's too loud. What?

Crab Rangoon. You know the password.

Knock two times. Yes.

Who is this?Well, I think we all know

who this is. Oh, my.

Maybe we got to keep this on the down

low. Oh, my gosh. Really?Who?Oh, my God.

That was way too loud.

That's louder than the last thing. I just

want to make sure that you know Crab

Rangoon. Say Crab Rangoon.

No, you tell. Who is

this?Did you?You don't write the password

down, but will you remember it?Crab

Rangoon. Crab Rangoon.

That's all I needed. What?

Now you know the password. You can get in

tonight. Get in where?

Crap. They just changed the password to

booger pie. OK, so OK, so

now for forget Crab Rangoon. Say booger

pie. No. OK, now

they're telling me you're supposed to

you're supposed to pick your nose three

times. And now you have to knock three

times with your foot. Is this.

I think I have the wrong number. Forget

everything I said. Forget crab rangoon.

Forget booger pie. Forget everything

you've been told. I want to. I want to go

to the party. Who said anything about a

party?They do have really good

appetizers, though. What is it for?I want

to know. Why can't?What's so wrong about

it?You're too deep already. Once you're

in, you can't get out. Forget this

happening. Hang up the phone. Well,

what's the location?Erase your memory.

Forget everything you've heard. Why?

Go to sleep. No, no, that's. Just take

a 2 minute, 2 minute nap. Lie down behind

the register. Use your

sweatshirt as a pillow. What is this?This

is a big mistake. I I I'm in trouble. Oh,

God.

I'm in. Hello.

Crab raccoon.

This is Dwayne. Can I help you?Hello. Is

Larry there?This is Dwayne. What can I do

for you?Oh, Dwayne, I was calling because

I'm opening up a shop in Rock Hill.

It's called Larry's Specialty Sheets.

And you guys are, you all are Larry's

Specialties Meats and it's it's

already becoming a problemo.

But I I was just calling to see if they,

you know, Larry might be at all open to

changing. The name of his business.

That ain't going to happen. Oh, not when

we've been doing this for 45 years. Well,

you had a good run. I'm just saying, you

know, maybe like like Gary. No,

I just spent so much money on my

business. I'm going to put my mom in a

home to sell her house to fund this

startup. And I'm worried we're already

getting buried by it and we're just going

to get lost in the shuffle. And, you

know, we're going to be out on the

street. What about Lori?

LOORY. Do you

know Larry?Very much so.

OK. Has this happened before?Have you

ever had a similar business?Nope. Because

I think we even go in business together,

sell meat sheets. No, I'm just, you know,

joshing. But he wouldn't be interested in

talking to another Larry. Not at all. I

feel like Larry would get me here if I

could just talk to Lair Bear. Oh. No,

you're not going to be able to get to

him. Oh, is he like Walt Disney

of the Disney Corp?Pretty much.

Oh, man. What do I have to do?First of

all, you got to find out where he's

living at and that ain't going to happen.

That's why I'm in charge. Now, here we

go, Dwayne. Dwayne's specialty meets.

Come on. No, Dwayne. Come on.

It's about time. It's about time you got

your name on there. I mean, he left you

in charge, Dwayne. Yes, he did. I mean,

you're like. The Prince Charles of Meats

just waiting to take that throne, right?

What shop did you take over in Rock Hill?

Could have been the Radio Shack or

something. I don't know. Little Caesars.

No, Little Caesars is down the way. Look,

Detective Dwayne, I'm legit here.

I'm just trying to to talk to Larry about

changing his names. All right?I mean, it

ain't going to happen. Oh, come on.

You're in charge. In the words of the

Somali pirates, man, you're the captain

now. Yes, I am Dwayne. But I'm

telling you, it ain't going to happen.

Okay. Free sheets for life. I'm gonna get

back to work. Free sheets for life,

Duane. Uh, I only need one pair at a

time. Ew, Duane! That's gross, man.

Okay, two pair at a time. All right, bye,

Duane. I'm not gonna buy meat from a man

that has one pair of sheets. Bye-bye.

Hang on, this is this is Landelius

Trufel. My name is known

pretty much around the southeastern

Michigan area. I'm a retired semi-pro

football player and what I'm doing right

now is we're setting up

what we call the EFL League. It's the

Elderly Fighting League and we go around

the senior homes. And we are setting up

a league with which our

seniors can physically get

involved through mixed

martial arts. So cool. The

only thing that the old folks would be

required to pay for is the

uniforms, the shoes, because it

calls for a specific elderly fighting

league shoe, and of course, my patented.

Energy drink. It's called Zoom Zoom,

which is mostly sugar, a lot of caffeine

and just a little touch of vodka. No, but

are you serious?These folks

love it. And I'll tell you who loves it

the most. The ladies. Because when these

gals get in the ring, they go for

blood. Are you kidding me?I'm not at

all. This sounds perfect, but I can't

hardly believe it. We will set up what we

call a sparring session. Usually I'm the

one in the ring. Because I know how to

safely knock these old folks out. They

come at me, give me their best shot, and

I give them my best shot. And I tell you

what, they love it. Because what I

don't do is I don't talk down to them.

You know what I'm saying?I don't sit

there. Hey, grandma or grandpa. Hey, old

man. No, I say get your a*s up. Are you

kidding me?

Who am I talking to?Let me look at your

website, Landeliestrufell.com. And

if you look it up, first you're going to

see my music. But that's another story.

Go with your g*n, girl. The little

dangerous. Before we proceed

any further, I will

require y'all to

sign a disclaimer because we have had

some. Well, I don't want to say deaths,

but some folks have departed. You know

we'd have to do that. I want to find you

on the Internet and I can't find you. Try

this. Try this.

dustycrustyknockout.com. It's not

coming up. I can't do this. Or

you can find it under

grandmablackeye.org. Knucklebuck. What?

Knucklebuck. Knucklebuck.

Knucklebuck. I'm not even looking

anymore. I'm done. Can we leave

on a high note?I would like to sing a

song 'cause we when we come into the

facilities, we like to get the old folks

ready for that whip assSo usually we

start with a song. Oh,

you may be wrinkled up.

But you bout to get f*cked up

Get in the ring grandpa and bring

grandma too. I'm gonna bust your

lip till it's black and blue. Hey,

whoever wins gonna

win all the way to the bank. All the way

to the bank.

See. Thank you. Bye.

OK, smoking. OK. Yeah.

Thank you for calling. Speaking.

Hi. I'm calling on behalf

of one of my clients. I must know

that what we discussed will not go any

further. Okay. I am

interested in... Is

it called a p*nis facial?It's

not officially called that. It's called a

whole EGF. But there is a p*nis in

it, correct?Gem cell is the official

term. There's no

actual p*nis. So it's not like he's going

to get slapped in the face or anything,

right?Exactly. ExactlyNo.

Right. But what they do, they put like a

p*nis in a blender and then they'll put

it on the face, correct?I don't think

that's exactly how it's a little bit more

scientific than that. So my client is

between us, Kanye West, and he's looking

for a special gift for Kim. OK, What

he would like to do is make her her own

special p*nis facial

using his p*nis, his

foreskin specifically. Um,

OK. Yes, it would be

possible.

I think anything is possible. That's why

we're calling because Kanye is a

visionary, as you know. And yes.

And then he said, you know what,

Terrence, I've got a little bit of extra

of skin on my he used the D word

on my D word and I want to share that

with Kim's face and I want her to put

that all over her. OK, we don't.

Break it down here. We get it. We get the

stem cells trip to us from Korea.

Kanye loves Korean BBQ, so I think he's

going to like that.

Kanye refuses to go to South Korea, and

in fact, that's why he named his daughter

North is because he loves North

Korea and he admires their leader. Yes.

So wow. So we're going to have to go over

to North Korea to do this. My box would

be the best person to talk to you about

it. So I love going right to the top. I

do have a couple more questions because I

can see him right now out the window in

the yard, and he's pushing on a statue.

And I don't know what's. Oh, no. Oh,

don't. Oh, he knocked it over. OK.

Anyway, would there be enough to share

with the whole family?All the

Kardashians, the Jenners,

Brody, Disick.

Everyone. We want to rub Kanye's peanuts

on everyone's face. I assume no.

OK, so there'd just be enough for Kim.

Yes. YesOK, wow.

So we've got to get your information for

these North Korean p*nis choppers. And

then we can get Kanye's foreskin

into the blend blend or whatever they put

it in. Vitamix. I don't know how it

works. His We don't want to do the whole

thing because he's actually saving some

of it for a shoe that he's designing.

Hello. Hello

Rooster. Hello. This is Helen Clinch,

the raffle winner. I received a

message on my voicemail that said I had

won the raffle at Red Rooster Coffee

House. For the Blu-ray

DVD player, I think you may

be thinking of somewhere else. The coffee

house raffle. You're into it if you've

bought a coffee and I come in there on

the, I'd say on the once a month

frequence. Can you tell me what night

you guys came down?Last time I was in

about a month ago, but I got the call on

Saturday. Waited to call y'all till

Monday because you don't call on the

weekends. That's people's time's off.

But I in the meantime, I

bought the 300, the DVD and

was planning on having friends over to

watch it cause we never got out to the

movie house to see it. No, we don't have

any raffles like that. If you didn't win

it at our Harry Potter like trivia night,

then you are probably thinking of

somewhere else. So sorry to ask, are you

are you in cahoots with the De La Croix

family, Trudy

and Dale De La Croix?Not me, no.

I'm starting to feel like this is a scam,

and I've been scammed by those two

before. I am sorry. I don't know anything

about that. OK, 'cause I told the whole

neighborhood about this,

and I'm getting a little worried that's a

red roof. We will have him call you back.

OK. Thank you. Bye.

Trudy Delacroix, I know this is you, and

I know that you scammed me on that

raffle, and you should never use another

establishment's fine

purpose to to scam someone on a

raffle just because my son slam dunked on

your son in the Boston

basketball game. Ma'am, who is this

call for?Because I don't know actually

who you're talking about. Trudy, you

stole that little ballerina figurine off

my chivalrobe when I was 7. And that's

when you started this. I'm. I'm so

sorry, ma'am. I really don't know who

you're trying to contact. No, I know the.

Ma'am, are you thinking of the

registering?Because we're in

Aberdeen, SD. Oh, my

God. Yes, I am. It's the. Oh,

my. I'm so sorry. I don't even have

affiliation to South Dakota. No, that's

OK. I just assumed that maybe you had the

wrong number. So. Oh, I'm so sorry. All

right. You have a good day. OK. Oh, you

have a good day, too. Please don't call

the police. Yep. Bye.

It's a great day for pest control. This

is Crystal. Hi. This is actually the

perfect day for pest control. I have a

very, very big problem and I need some

help. Yes, ma'am. I'm

very ashamed to admit this to you, but I

have blood bugs and. You

guys have to help me with this. Yeah, you

said bed bugs, correct?Butt bugs, ma'am.

It's a very bad case of BB. They're in

my a*s and it is very hot in

here. Gotcha. All right. I'm so sorry to

laugh, but I'm so sorry. OK, I

think I might have got them at a park.

Maybe I was, like, sitting on a stump. I

don't know. But this is very serious.

Gotcha. OK. And I thought it was like

ants, but it's f*cking butt bugs.

OK, let's see. One second. OK, let me see

what I can set up here for you on my end.

One second. OK. I've tried everything.

OK, let's see. I put a spider up my butt

hoping it'll eat the bugs. And that

didn't work. And then I tried putting a

bird up there so it could eat the spider

and the butt bugs. And then that didn't

work. Yeah. Do you?Let me see. Let me

see. I'm asking you out of pure

desperation. Like, please help me.

Yeah, I completely understand. I'm going

to place you on a brief hold and let me

speak to my manager very quickly and then

we can proceed. OK. Do you take HMO?I

have insurance. Oh, ma'am, we're not a

doctor's office. We're actually

pest control. Yes, yes, exactly. I know

you guys are not a doctor, but I know you

guys have the solution to solve my bad

case of BB. Yeah. So we do have a

solution, but we don't, like, treat the

customers like body. You know what?I'm

gonna just make this easier. I can just

come in and you can look at my an*s

No, ma'am, that is not necessary. I'm

pretty sure there's something you can

spray up my buttholeAnd I'm sure I'll be

fine. OK. This is a really, really weird

conversation. It's kind of uncomfortable

for me. You said that this was the

perfect day for pest control. My friend

went there. You fixed him. I need you to

fix me, please. I don't mean to get

irate. I'm just very frustrated with

what's going on in my buttholeOK, one

second. This is. Hey, how

you doing?My friend went there. You guys

helped him. He spread open his anusY'all

hit him with a fly swatter. You took care

of it. It was great. I need the same

treatment. OK, you you need to call a

doctor, not pest control. Please

help me, . Just set my a*s

on file. You are disgusting. I have

blood bugs.

Thank you for calling mattress . This is

Candace. Hello. HelloHow are you?

My name is Pierre. How are you?Good. What

can we do for you today?I

have seen your store and I see you do

a do-do promotion. What kind of

promotion?I noticed you don't have

the the inflatable man outside

who does the dancing

up and down side to side. Uh huhI can be

a real boy version of this, of the

inflatable man. And the people will

drive by, they will see me, they will

say, look at that, man, I should go into

this store and buy the mattress.

I mean, knock your d*ck right into the

dirt, as they say. I don't know if they

would be interested in that. I was Cirque

du Soleil. I was so I can do

many acrobatics. I can

come in and do. Acrobatics

on the mattress to fly from one bed to

the other to see the

to to see a man do this might make people

buy the mattress. No one here

makes that call. But if you want to

contact the owner, I would say this. I

don't know how to say in English

you will blow.

sh*t out of your pants when you see what

I can do with my body. OK, well,

you could contact them. I'm. I

don't have any knowledge of this,

anything like this, but I am going to

go before you go. I just want to say I

can. I can get you Cirque de Soleil

ticket if you want. No, thank you. Do

you like the circus?No.

OK, good. This will be nothing like it

then. OK, if you could contact

her, the store owner

through.com, they'll they will handle

everything you need. And you don't have

in the store cows like

in a real rush, right?No. I want you

to contact the manager and if you don't

stop calling here, then I'm going to do

more about it. I'm a little mattress boy,

jump up and down. Watch me, the French

person, I am so much clowns.

I want to sleep all night on your

mattress. Wake up and think I have

finally found our home.

Look at that.