05x15 - Jeff Ross, Tracy Morgan & Roy Wood Jr.

[bunniefuu]

If everybody's black in Africa, how do

the police know who to profile?So I

entered the world quite magically,

stretching my major three times wide

vaginally. But you've been peed on more

than R Kelly's girlfriends. Outdoor

Colorado ploppers going a

bad. That is beautiful to hear because

I've been looking forward to sh*t my

pants on the ride for years. If you can

mail me two grand cash. Nope. Why you

being difficult?I have some hashish. I

could use this collateral.

Come on, come all 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama They'll

probably won't throw our a*s in theAnd

because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers.

Thank you for calling Debt Management.

This is Jennifer. How can I help you?Hi,

this is Bobby. I was just calling about

maybe getting some debt relief. Okay. Do

you know who you owe and how much today

that we could take a look at kind of what

you got?Well, one of them is my bookie.

I'm not sure his name. I think he's Billy

Batts. Yeah, I don't think he's

really a creditor in the sense where we

could send him money. No, I mean, I know

where I got the address where you could

send it. Yeah. No, we wouldn't. We

wouldn't do something like that. OK,

well, I owe Billy 11 grand. I took the

under and the Chiefs last week. He's not

a creditor. It's not on a credit card.

Well, technically he is, though. What do

you mean?Because I paid him on my credit

card before. He's got, he's got one of

those. Squares on his iPhone so he can

run it. He's done it before with me. OK,

I've done it with the hooker before too.

So they they have the square. So who's

the credit card?It's Bank of America.

OK, there we go. So how many you owe Bank

of America $9000 that you're using with

your bookie and the hooker right?No, I'm

you could just like you could Venmo me 5

grand too and I could take care of it.

And then no, we don't do that. It's easy.

I can help you get the app. I

know. I don't need the app. I don't need

it. Listen, just go to your app installer

on your phone. If you go to your app

installer on your phone, you could

download it right there. It's easy. I

think you got a wrong idea of what debt

management is. I have to be honest with

you. I think you got a wrong idea. Maybe

you're looking for a finance company or

something like that. No, noI mean, I

could walk you through the process. No, I

think you. I I don't need to be walked

through the process. I get it. It's so

simple. It really is my 9 year old

kid. Downloaded it the other day. Here's

my process. I can tell you like right

now, I can tell you if you got 9 grand at

Bank of America, it's going to

cost you $238 a month. Well, Venmo is a

lot easier if you could just because I

could. I pay the babysitter this way. I

love Venmo. That's awesome. But I think

you're you're looking for a loan and some

other kind of stuff. Yeah. I mean, look,

I'm in deep. I'm sorry. I don't think I

can help you. Listen, if you can mail me

two grand cash and I'll let you have my

old TV. It's a plasma. I don't need it. I

got one. I have some hashish. I'm good. I

could use this collateral. Nope. Why are

you being difficult?I'm not. I'm just

telling you the facts that we don't need

it. Let me help you download the Venmo

app. I I have it. You have it. Did you

get the updated one?Cause the updated one

is really I've actually got the State of

the Union. Venmo app. It just came

out. Do you have it?Yes. Listen, I'm not

even kidding. I'm a dead man if I don't

get to square with my bookie by the end

of the month. I'm begging you. I don't

have money. That's not what this is

about. You can work out a plan with him.

I'll give you his number. No. You're my

last hope. No. Go to your bank. Are you

hiring?No, we're

not. Oh, shitBilly Batts is at my

door right now. I got to run. Thank

you. Bye. Bye. Download that Venmo app.

Travel. This is. How you doing today,

brother?Good. How are you today?I'm good.

I'm good. Very good. The name is Charles

Stevenson. Charles with a Y. I'm trying

to get a little bit of information about

overseas travel that I wanted to do. I'm

gonna head on over to Africa, man. OK,

well, when are you looking to travel,

Charles?Sidebar. I ain't coming back. I'm

going to Africa one way because I want to

be in the majority. Finally. I want to

know what it feels like to follow white

people around the store. OK, when they

shopping. OK, because if

everybody's black in Africa, how do the

police know who to profile?That's the big

question. You know what?I grew up on the

South side of Chicago, brother. I oh, sh*t

I I don't understand why people can't

just accept people for what we are, bro.

Cause you know, in these times, you know,

they love to tell black people, you know,

go back to Africa. So that's what I'm

gonna do. I'm gonna go the f*ck on back.

We'll see what's cracking over there. I'm

sorry to hear that because I don't

believe that. But hey, Sir, if

that's what you want to do, you should do

that. Well, you know what?You're one of

the good ones. Maybe you should come to

Africa with me. Well, I'm pretty

happy here in Colorado.

Africa is basically black Colorado. It's

just white on white and a couple black

a*s Denver Nuggets. Yes. Because I'm

really curious about Africa. A lot of

questions. You know, I want to know, you

know, do they have a Pizza Hut?Do they

have a Foot Locker?If you're a black

person playing basketball in Africa, do

you get picked first?Or now, do your

skills actually matter?How

many black women did you date when you

was in Chicago?Let's talk about that for

a second. No, I didn't. I never did. Why

did you never jump with a sister?Did you

think your p*nis was too small?

Will you be my white friend when I'm in

Africa?Sure.

You've given me hope that there's cool,

small-p*nis white people out there.

Yes. Having a big d*ck ain't all that. It

hurts your back half the time. When you

go swimming, you can't-- there's nobody

to took it from swimming trucks. OK,

Charles, I got to run. I got a I got a

person who just walked in the door here.

So I will do some research for you and

give you a call. When the race w*r comes,

I got you. Have a great day.

Good afternoon. Is this the

thing where you you float?Yeah.

Oh, I'm so excited. Thank you. My name is

Spooney Love, and me and my wife are

coming there. We are so excited. That's

good. I just want to get my wife, like,

space pregnant. OK, that sounds.

Yeah. I think we would be able to help

you with that. I'm like, you need to

speak with . She's going to handle. We

got a name for the baby. I'm going to

name my son Space Rocket Love. That's

what I'm going to name him Space Rocket

Love. That's a nice one. I'm just

overwhelmed. I can see now my little tiny

ET in my hands. Oh,

yeah. So now you see where my head is at.

No, I completely understand. Oh, man. Can

I ask you one question?Do you guys, like,

have the spacesuits with holes in them so

we can reach each other?No,

Sir. You would need to speak with. To

start the booking process, cause she's

the one that's in charge of that. Has it

ever crushed your mind to Make Love in

space?Sir, I

believe you're looking for a different

kind of flight. We'll be with other

couples, right?I imagine so. But it's

a it's a group event. Like even single

people can show up to it. OK, so if

me and my wife decide to start making

love, other couples will be watching.

That's that's not the kind of flights

that we handle, Sir. Well, me and my

wife, we already did the Mile High Club,

but we want more now. It is

public an event. No,

I I mean, I don't mind people, other

people watching. I'm a freaky deaky. I

don't mind. You know, that's why they

call me Sponie Love from up above.

It's a public event.

That kind of stuff will not be tolerated.

It's a pubic event, right?Thank

you.

This is Amy. Hi, Hadassah

Guberman here. Did you say your name was

Sadie?Amy. Oh, what a

unique name. Yeah. I

was reading about your volunteers for

Outdoor Colorado. I would love to

volunteer. OK. I would

love to save a horse or

pull a stride of a.

Dog's nostril or oh, do you

do like emergency surgery on a forest

animal or like a squirrel that fell out

of a tree?We do not do work with any

animals. We work on the ground in a

trail. How outside is this?Because I'm

mostly an inside girl. It's

literally outside. It's out. It's

out on a hiking trail. Is there a

bathroom?Like if we're in the middle of

nowhere and I've got to go ploppers?

There is generally an outhouse, but I

can't guarantee that on all of the

projects. Some of them are out in the

backwoods, so you might have to do your

duty in a in a go bag.

I do like doing that. How much does it

pay?It's free. We don't pay you for

volunteering. Oh, I was looking for like



something I think I can actually offer

you. I'd love to write your theme song. I

don't know that we're looking. You don't

think you're looking for one until you.

You hear it and it goes like this.

Volunteer for outdoor

Colorado. Ploppers go in

a bag when you pick up your

dog's duty and it goes in a

bag. That's where your poop will be.

Also in the bag when you're

making trails,

there won't be anything. If a squirrel

comes by, we'll say f*ck you, squirrel.

We only do the trail.

Well, I think that was great. You do.

Yeah. I mean, you did that all on the

spot based on my answers to your

question. If you are serious about

that, I can get you over to Kelly who

does our our marketing and

outreach type thing. I'm going to cry. I

would love to talk to Kelly. I mean, this

is my passion. Yeah, yeah, we out in the

wilderness, we will

make the what do you do for the actual

do you like make paths or I think. If I

was clearer on that, I'd be able to.

Yeah, we either build them or we restore

them. We either build the path

or restore the path. Digging a

trail, making a trail,

making the trail look nice for people

who walk on trails and making a

trail.

Making the trails for volunteer.

How to Colorado.

That was great. Please don't call me a

hero. This voice is my gift.

It came from God. Whatever God is for

you. And it comes through me. Well, we'd

appreciate that. And I know Kelly would

probably love to hear your song. I have a

Patreon. Bye.

Making trails.

Library reference steps. Speaking.

Hello, is this the library?Yes.

Hello, this is Niles Standish calling.

I'm whispering because you're a

librarian. May I speak in a normal tone?

Yes. Wonderful. Hello. This is

Niles Standish calling. How are you?I'm

doing good. How can I help you, Sir?

Here's what's happening. I'm going to be

traveling through the area and I'm

interested in doing a reading of my

self-published book at your library.

What type of?Book is it?It's an ode

to my mother called my birthday.

Oh, I see. Let me ask you, don't you

feel that we celebrate our own birth

without thinking about the woman who gave

birth to us?OK. Is this

something geared more to the children?

Reading to the children?Well, it's all

audiences. It's YA. It's

children. It's. If it's all right with

you, I'd like to run through just a

little bit of the text to see what you

think, where it would fall, where it

would best be suited. All right, do you

have just a moment?OK, go ahead.

Hold on to your hat. Here we go.

'Twas a day like this, a day like no

other, for that was the day that I first

met my mother. We were playing a game,

a game where I'd hide for nine fine long

months. I was hiding inside. But

then came the day. When Mum's water

spilled and my own destiny would soon be

fulfilled. And so I entered the world

quite magically, stretching my mater

three times wide vaginally and onto Mum's

bosom. I did latch. Twas only 12 seconds

since I bolted her snatchUh, what a day.

What a day beyond belief. Twas filled up

with boob juice and covered in creeps.

Do you like it?How's it feeling for you?

Mumsy wrote it out this morning after her

Pickles and gin. Yeah, well, I don't

think that would be appropriate here for

our library. I'm sorry. How so?How

so?OK, for one thing,

it's probably a little too descriptive

for our clientele, so I'm going to

say no. Oh, so you think I should pull

back on some of the descriptions?Well, I

think that's up to you. It's your

writing. It's your poem. So I thank you

for calling and thinking of us. I need to

go. I've got. You know what?I know the

problem. There's one too many queeps, and

magically, barely rhymes with vaginally.

Okay, well, I really need to go. Do me a

favor. Help me come up with a word that

rhymes with episiotomy. Thank you so much

for calling. Bye-bye.

Lover?Lover?

Hello, this is Trish. How can I help you?

Hi, Trish. My name is Jeff Ross, and I

was hoping I could honor you with a

roast. I want to roast your store right

now. Are you down?

Um, sure. Trish, how long have you worked

there in dog years?

Uh, 14 years?Wow. I bet you've been

peed on more than R Kelly's girlfriends.

Too soon?Terrible. I bet you've been

dry humped more than my high school

girlfriend's pant leg. Possibly.

How many moles did you cut off in Barber

College to get demoted to trimming the

hair off Shih Tzu's ba*ls?

Trish, do you prefer dog groomer or dog

fluffer?I'm gonna go with groomer.

Fluffer reminds me of pornOh.

I don't know. You can make a living from

disappointing your parents, but Congrats,

you've done it. Well, I've only

got 1, so it's not that big of an

accomplishment. I don't know what you did

to my dog last time, but his an*s tastes

weird ever since I got him groomed there.

I will stop licking your dog's buttCan't

be good for you. The last time he got a

haircut, it was so bad he had to put

himself down.

Well. We haven't had anything quite that

dramatic happen yet. I like what a good

sport you're being about this roast.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever

seen at your place?The guy did ask if

we do happy endings on dog form.

Really. What's a happy ending for a

dog?Getting a ball out of a Bush?

So I actually have to go get back to

work. Work. Yeah, I get it.

These dogs can't lick themselves, right?

I have one more thing I'd like to

express. My a**l glands.

Yeah, I saw that coming. Trish, I wish I

could give you a big hug, but I bet,

yeah, please. All right, bye.

Thank you for calling Clark. My name is

Selena. How can I help you?Hi,

I got a quick question and I know this

may sound a little crazy, but I brought

my family to the park and on one of the

Yelp reviews somebody left a comment that

they actually got on the ride and they

sh*t they pants. So me and my family

showed up to the park hoping to get on

this ride and sh*t our pants and it

didn't happen. I'm sorry, can you repeat

that?So I read a Yelp review that

somebody sh*t they pants on the fireball.

OK, so I was like, wow, that sounds cool.

I can get on this ride and sh*t my pants.

So I tell the rest of the family, I'm

like, hey, somebody went on this ride and

they sh*t they pants. And they was like,

what?We should go do this to see if we're

going to sh*t our pants. I was like,

fine. And we got to the ride. The ride

was over with and all of our pants were

pretty clear. I have never heard

of anyone doing that. I mean, I peed a

little bit, but I didn't shitThat's

great. I want the full turd experience

and we didn't get that. So is it extra

cost to make the rag go faster so you can

sh*t your pants?I'm sorry about that, but

like I said, I've never heard of anyone

doing that. I'm just trying to figure

things out cause me and my family, I

brought my grandmother, I brought my kids

and we all kind of showed up to this park

hoping to be sh1tting our pants. And it

didn't happen. I mean, as someone that

might have to clean it up, I'd be happy.

I mean, I don't want that to happen. Wait

a minute. So you do have people to clean

it up. So that means if you do have

people to clean it. So

you're prepared for it. That's what

you're saying. So that means you guys

have always thought about this. That what

if somebody should've?You had to. If

somebody there to clean it, like you got

somebody to clean up, throw up. You got

somebody to clean it. Of course. So ain't

nobody scoop no sh*t off a rabbit foot.

No, not that to my knowledge.

Ow. Can you go to look at the review for

me?Because it was on there. The the, the,

the review said on Yelp. They said they

sh*t their pants. And I was like, whoa,

that is beautiful to hear because I've

been looking forward to sh*t my pants on

the ride for years. My grandmother, that

was on her bucket list. OK, I'm

literally looking at Yelp right now. I

don't get to see my kids all the time.

OK. And when I called them and I said I

got a surprise for you, we don't have a

good time. They're like, dad, we've been

in amusement parks before. I said, well,

have you ever been to an amusement park

with a ride?Have you sh*t on yourself?

And he's like, no, Daddy, you're the

greatest dad of all time. We can't wait

to see you. And when I took them there

and they didn't sh*t on themselves, they

called their mom immediately. And now I

probably got to go through child support

again. Oh, man, that is. I'm

so sorry. Sorry about that.

Let go of me.

No problem. Bye bye.

Look at that.