05x14 - Chelsea Peretti, Derek Waters & Aubrey Plaza

[bunniefuu]

You just need to take off your shirt and

bathe in swirls blood. My dad got his

p*nis cut off by a shark and I punched it

so hard after that. And I'm like, is this

what I'm going to be like when I'm in my



left and right. We would come in fully

shaved and then we'd have petals. place

where hair would be. Last week, I left a

latte in the bathroom, and someone was

able to find it for me. And now I've been

me-tooed, so let's go back. Shall we?

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick upFrom New York to Alabama

The problem was throw our a*s in the slam

Because we're disturbing others Maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Security , big and high. Hi, how

are you?I'm so sorry to trouble you. I'm

looking for my sandwich. I left it on a

table. Looking for

your I'm actually in the mall, but I

stepped out to Victoria's Secret and I'm

in the line. I cannot get out or I will

lose this bra that I'm been having my eye

on for literally weeks. But I actually,

in my haste to get over here, I realized

I left my sandwich on the food court.

A full half was not eaten. Hang on for

a moment. And this was sandwich was so

good and I just left it in my haste to

get this bra set. Oh, awesome.

Yeah. Go ahead up to the safflower hatch

again and open up for a contractor. Was

that about the sandwich?No, no, noThat

was some other thing. Base housekeeping.

I was blown away by your performance.

Ma'am. It's on a table and it's half

eaten plus a couple bites of the other

side. Where are you eating?Where?

I was by the Panda Express. OK.

And maybe if it's not too much trouble,

if they could throw a Cinnabon in there,

I'll. I'm happy to pay $40.00 for that.

OK. Last week I left a latte in the

bathroom and someone was able to find it

for me. So I'm hoping that my luck has

I'm still on this winning streak. Yes,

somebody left a sandwich nearby.

Panda Express. See if the sandwich is

there. Thank you so much. I owe you.

I owe you big time, ma'am. There's no

need for for any of this, ma'am. You have

a sandwich. We'll find a sandwich. But if

it's not, I mean, they probably already

threw it away. I don't know. I just

really want that sandwich. I really

appreciate you taking a look for it. OK.

I'm so nervous. Any word?

Basic housekeeping. If you can put the

walkie-talkie up to my mouth, I can

describe it. Did you find a sandwich in

front of Panda Express?Juicy.

It's a juicy meat sandwich. Cheddar on

it. Yes, ma'am. Unfortunately, I sent

housekeeping and they did not find

anything. Oh my God. Oh my God. I feel so

stupid. It is in my purse, Sir. It is

in my purse. OK, man. I am so sorry

to put you through it. Can I send you

something as a thank you?No problem, man.

It's just a it's just a pleasure to serve

you, man. Oh, thank you. And if any

chance you could send a soft drink

because I do need that. I'm sorry, ma'am.

I can't do that. Is there security camera

footage of me walking out with it in my

purse?I can answer you that question,

ma'am. I'm sorry. OK. Well, I'm

missing, uh, you. I miss

you. Have a good day, ma'am. I miss you.

OK, ma'am. I miss you.

Greet you. How may I help you?I was

calling to see if you guys are looking

for lifeguards right now. I

don't know about this season. I think

there's some people leaving for college,

so I'd assume if you could work up

until Labor Day, they would be glad to

hear from you. All good. Are you guys

experiencing sharks?It's.

A very, very rare occurrence. Just so you

know a little bit about me, I am a shark

puncher. Really. I like to

punch nurse sharks, great whites,

jellyfish, sharks.

But have you ever heard of of shark

punchers?Like, do they have any up there?

No, I I don't think we've ever really had

even an issue where one of them got close

enough where it would need to really be

punched. Oh, I I've punched so many.

Oh yeah. Yeah, it started. My my dad got

his p*nis bit off by a shark, and I

punched it so hard after that.

OK. And I will punch any shark that ever

tries to do it to anyone. If you'll leave

that in the message, I'm sure they'd love

to know. Anything that you see in the sea

that you don't like. Yeah, I'll punch in

the face. I'll take it, I will drown it,

and I will m*rder it. Yeah. And I'm also

really good at baking cookies. All right,

bye.

How may I help you?Hey, how you doing?

Good. GoodThis is Sam Robinson. I think

my son just called and said that a shark

bit off my p*nis. Yeah, that is

completely untrue. That's fine.

I understand. And he's got it completely

wrong. I am the shark puncher. Nobody

punches sharks like me. OK.

Found my wife with a shark and I've never

been the same. But for the better. Didn't

need her anyway. I'll k*ll any shark. I

also make really good sand castles.

That's pretty good. I'll take two

Maryland crabs, crack them in half, and

put them in a hoagie. But I'd pay you

double for that. All right. Do

you want a mermaid sandcastle?I'll make

you a real nice mermaid sandcastle with

pretty boobies you know?OK.

A shark did nibble on my p*nis.

Speaking. How may I help you?Hi, I'm an

I'm a new member. Hi. And I

had an issue in the locker room recently

and I just thought I should call and and

bring it to your attention. Yes, of

course. We're in an era

of, um, really like body

positivity, don't you think?Yeah. I

think so too. And in the locker room, I

just have to say that I was like, really

heavily judged by a

lot of the other members

for my personal

body hair preferences.

OK, You know, I want to keep coming, but

I don't want to be like shamed because I

have a big Bush. I'm just saying it. I'm

just going to be outright with it. Yeah,

yeah, I under. I completely understand.

Yeah. Is there some way?I don't know. You

can put like a sign up that's like, you

know, like we accept all

vag*na hairstyles or something cause like

bushes are beautiful, right?I mean they

right. I mean, yeah, it's natural.

Thank you. And they were like in their



be like when I'm in my 40s all of a

sudden start judging bushes left and

right. I don't. I mean, I hope not.

I hope not. Yeah, cause that's not

looking like a good world, right. Thanks,

dude. Really. Yes, of course. I just want

to say, if you, like, happen to, like,

see there, it is like this clique of of

girls. They're not girls, they're women.

They're in their 40s. And like, one of

them had very large boobs

So she's definitely going to be taken

care of by our general manager, Leslie.

OK, great. And do you know if she's ever

dealt with, like, Bush stuff?Nah, no, I

don't know. I would just feel more

comfortable if she had a big Bush, too,

before I emailed her. Yeah, I don't want

to invade her privacy. Yeah, especially

as a guy. That's a good call. That's a

good call. Yeah, I got to go. I

just. You go and you have yourself a

weekend. What's your name again?My name

is Zahir. Zahir. You're an ally. Yeah,

I'm going to yell it from the roof. I'm

going to go up on the roof and I'm going

to yell it. Zahir's a big Bush ally.

OK, Zahir's a big Bush ally.

Woo. All right. You have a good one,

right?Bye. Bye.

Floral Designs. Can I help you?I'm

trying to secure a flower

arrangement for my father's 40th birthday

coming up next weekend. Do you mind if I

patch in my twin brother Mork, who has

some?Ideas on how this is going to work.

I'm just sort of helping arrange it. Hi,

Mimi Mork and I have an

idea for Daddy. We want to do a

huge flower arrangement in the front

yard. His 40th is coming up

on Saturday and we want to get this right

and not screw up. Like last year we were

bad sons and we were punished severely.

We really blew it last year and we want

to do something very special. Yeah. So we

had an idea we wanted to run by you where

we become the flowers using some of

your arrangements and petals. And we're

outside, OK, we would, you

know, come in fully shaved and then we'd

have petals placed where hair would

be normally, but also just in the

various regions of the body. There'd be

just petals glued with flower glue

or honey. OK, I'm not sure

if there's anybody here that could help

you with that because we have regulations

where we can't like use like the glue

or stuff on people because it's not. What

if we came with already with the glue

already on us?That way you're not

adhering the glue, you're not putting the

glue. On us, you're actually

making, you're just adding the petals to

the glued areas would be the pubis

region. Yeah, I we're

all female down here and I don't think

any of our husbands or boyfriends would

really agree to me. If I roll

around in honey and you know, patch stuff

together that way, then I think we'd have

two flower boys for a pop pop for a

daddy. And boy, won't he be surprised.

I think surprised is, well, that's the

idea, the surprise element. I mean, my

brother and I will be in the front lawn.

We will have the flowers

covering our goatees and the pubis,

and we'll set up a trail of chicken

Nuggets and he'll follow those

and it goes right to the his bedroom

window. And I look out that window and he

sees his two sons

shaved, but there's no hair.

There's just. Roses. I got to

grab the other line, guys. So well, we

have one more big moment to talk to you

about before you go. One thing would be

lovely is if Daddy sees us

waving in the in the breeze and he starts

crying and the tears land on his two

sons, exposing the goatees and

pubis to the neighbors. Oh

no, you're going to get the cops called.

Daddy is a cop, so we have nothing to

worry about there. OK. All

right. But listen, don't worry. We'll

keep the hair that we shave. We won't

throw the hair away. We'll keep the hair.

We'll keep track of the hair and we'll

let you know. All right. Well, thanks for

calling, guys. Bye. Bye.

Good morning. This is Mike. Hi, Mike.

My sisters have chosen your grounds

and we would love to check on some

permits and check on some regulations to

see if we can perform our ritual on

your grounds. OK. What does the

ritual encompass?

There's about 12 of us. We'll be in a

formation holding hands for several

hours. We'll be doing spells. Got

you. We'll be gathering some. Herbs from

the property and trapping some small

animals. You wouldn't be able to disturb

any of the of the flora or any

of the critters that are there. Oh, but

we can bring our own dead animals. If

you're going to grill them, utilize the

grill, then sure, we will not be grilling

anything, but we will maybe be gathering

a large amount of bugs and eating them.

You wouldn't be able to gather the bugs

because again, that's beserve. What

if these bugs fly into our mouths during

the ritual and we end up eating them that

way?If they just happen to fly into your

mouth, I I really

couldn't. Couldn't what?I I guess we

couldn't fault you for that. Well, no, I

guess you couldn't fault me for that

because that's something that nature is

doing. Yes. Are you available

for the ritual?No, ma'am. I would not be

available, unfortunately. I can sense

some negative energy on your end, Mike.

Are you in need of cleansing?Will cost

you about $5000. Don't have $5000. If I

did, I wouldn't be working here. You

just need to take off your shirt and

bathe in swirl's blood. No,

actually, I I think I'm good in that

area, but thank you. Mike, do you

feel that?Can't say that I do.

You're not being open, Mike. You're

sending your energy. And is it

reverberating with you, your soul?

No, but my phone. Just vibrate. I think I

got a message. Read it to us. Read it to

us. Just says I want some tickets.

Tickets to what?To a

baseball game. Don't you go to that

baseball game, Mike.

It'll be the end of you. Lord of the sky.

Wink of an eye. Have Mike take his shirt

off and die.

We'll bring you back to life.

So back to the reservation. What's your

policy on ATVs?On ATVs,

they're not allowed in the parks. Waters

of the seas, flight of the bees that

might allow us to drive ATVs.

So can we bring them?No. All

right, well, then f*ck this. We're not

going to do it. We're not coming

tonight on Little Inbound. A

man answers our ad for a free aquarium.

Thank you for calling CY Industries. This

call may be recorded for the quality

assurance purposes. Our call system

responds to your voice. Please tell us

what you're calling about. Uh, the

aquarium. Did you say the aquarium?

Yes. Good. After your

call, if you don't mind, we'd like you to

take a quick survey. You're calling about

the aquarium. Is that right?Can I speak

with a person?Sure. We're real close.

On a scale of one to 10, how good a

survey taker are you?10 is the highest.

You can say higher than 10 if you think

you're really good at taking surveys.

Zero. Your call is extremely important to

us. You are first in line.

Please describe your level of tolerance

with this current survey. One is don't

mind. 10 is intolerable.



in this survey. How would you rate this

survey?Fun. Less than fun.

Stupid. Really dumb. Or I'd rather

swallow a potato whole. This is stupid.

Great. At any time during this survey,

you may say, uh oh, I made a booboo.

Please let me speak to a customer

representative. Uh oh, I made a booboo.

Let me speak to someone. You're

almost there. Thank you for your

patience. Please complete the following

extremely quick survey to reach your

party. Please say your relationship

status. Single married or sadly divorced.

Not relevant. On a scale of one to 10,

how much would you like to go on a date

with a machine?Are you going to be

kidding me?Which Disney Princess is your

favorite from the following?Tamara, Sarah

or Gary?What is this?

Are you still there?No. How much do you

want this fish tank?Only kind of.

Great. What are you going to use the fish

tank for?Fish.

That's a great idea. Another person is

attempting to acquire the fish tank. You

have 15 seconds. Say fish tank as many

times as possible. Whoever says it more

gets the fish tank. Begin. Fish

tank. We can do better than that, Eric.

No, I cannot. That's it. You'll have a

chance to steal by saying steal. No.

Great. You've entered the bonus round.

No. If you'd like a castle to come with

your fish tank. Say castle now. All

right, goodbye.

Thank you for calling Bassman Party. This

is Alicia speaking. How can I help you?

Prepare to party. It's Niall Standish

calling. It's who?It's Niall

Standish calling. I want to throw a

party. OK. And what kind of party do you

want to throw?Well, I'll tell you,

Alicia, I've been B2'd.

You what?I've just been me-tooed,

and I want to throw a party to mark the

occasion. Is this something you could

help me with?We're a kid spa. Alicia, let

me tell you what happened, all right?You

have just a moment?Uh-huhAll right.

Contractually, all my employers are given

a three-week paid vacation. But one

little rascal asked for, and get this, an

extra two weeks. I, of course, gave him

the opportunity to have those extra two

weeks if and only if. He would

do me a favor. Well, he looked at me

and I at him, and I assumed he was okay

to make fiki on me. Well, Mr. Killjoy

not only kept his bum door clamp shut, he

decided to press charges. And now I've

been me too'd. So let's go a bash, shall

we?Who is this?It's Niles

Standish-galling, the Duke of

Yankerville. Well, let me get you over

to the owner. Alicia,

you've been so helpful. Please tell me a

little bit about some of the parties you

throw there. Most of the parties are kids

parties, so we do spa parties. They get

mini minis and patties. They make

homemade facials. I've done some homemade

facials, if you know what I mean. Uh-huh

And then they also do,

you know, table etiquettes and they cut

the cake. Table etiquette. Explain that

to me a bit. They have like a little

whole little process where they just go

around and say something nice about the

birthday girl. Oh, I could do a similar

thing where we sit around the table and

each of my employees can give an instance

where I've me to them.

OK, I'm sure everyone will tell how I

sniff all the chairs in the conference

room. Oh, and when I ask the mail boy to

pee in my mouth. OK. Is there a DJ?

You can hire a DJ if you want a DJ. Do

you have confetti cannons?I'm going to

cover myself with glue, and I want Jim,

the man I fikied on, to sh**t glitter all

over my pasty white physique. I want to

look like a confetti cookie. I got to

take this call. What you could put

everything you want in writing and send

it. Oh, Alicia, I want to come to the

party place. I want all of my employees

to be there, and I want to be punished

for what I've done. I want to be

dreadfully punished. Okay. Because trust

me, Alicia, I have it coming. Coming.

It's coming. I've been me

too'd.

Look at that.