05x13 - Tracy Morgan, Kevin Nealon & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

I

have a prosthetic limb. I'll take it off,

but only to make a point. If I roofie him

and then I put him in the bed, that's

legal. And then I can just go in and take

the job and go. I am a Viking. Give me

the job. I couldn't spit out the food,

you know, at home. I can spit it wherever

dog will eat it. My name is Spoonie Love

from up above. My mother named me that

'cause she was on crack. It's a belching

impediment, something in the acupuncture

that could help me out.

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell

when the world's gone to hell But you're

gonna feel swell when they

From New York to Alabama

The problem was Throw our a*s in the slam

Because we're disturbing others Baby,

even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers

tonight Crank Yankers! Hi, my boyfriend

and I are going down the Gulf Coast this

weekend, and I've got a problem. He is

pale. And when I say pale, like, even

for a white person, like, it is bad.

And like, I cannot get him in a tanning

booth and getting desperate because I

don't want people yelling at us and,

like, laughing. You know what I'm talking

about?Would y'all help me

trick my boyfriend into getting a tan?

Well, honey, we can't put him in there

with just a short period of time. And

he's going to have to fill out the card.

I mean, that's Mississippi State law. He

is real, real dumb. So I think this will

work. Are you talking about a spray tan

or get down in a tanning bed?You know

what?Spray tan is not a bad idea. But I

feel like that's a harder. Yeah, not

here. She's got two sick kids that got

strip rope. There's no way we'd get her

in here. Oh, bless her heart. That sounds

awful. We've got some lotions, some

sunless lotion that you can rub on and

then you can keep rubbing this lotion on

him. Let me ask you this, like on the

down low, if I roofie him, if I, you

know, if I get him to sign it and then he

drinks something and then I put him in

the bed, that's legal. Because he signed

it. You know, we don't want to lose our

license over that. Like I said, I think

your best bet will be pretend like this

is a tanning lotion. Rub it on him and

two hours. You can tell a difference. You

can tell he's gotten darker. I was hoping

I could just walk by and you dump a

bucket of tanning cream on him and I

could just. Like I said, tanning lotion

will be your best bet because it actually

works and he can have color, you know,

some color within two hours. If I bring

him in, will you dump him for me?I can't

dump him. I'm not gonna rub it on him.

No, no, dump him. Like, get rid of him.

Like, tell him that I'm breaking up with

you. I'm not gonna dump him for you. No,

I don't even think I'm in love with him.

I think I'm falling out of love. Do you

think I'm falling out of love?Don't sound

like you ever were. You know, ain't

that the truth?No, I'm not gonna get. We

don't get involved in people's personal

lives. We don't do that. Girl, you are in

it. You ever seen an uncircumcised p*nis?

That's what he looks like. Just

sloppy and and white. Actually, his

p*nis is dark. His body is pale. So it's

a real role reversal situation.

You still on the phone?Yeah, I'm still

here. I've got customers. You're a dog.

I'm gonna let you put the lotion on him.

I'm gonna bring him on over.

We'll tag team him. We do not. We do not.

You're a lotion queen. You're my lotion

queen. No, don't do that. Thank you so

much, ma'am. OK. All right.

Hello. Thank you for calling Apples

Flowers. How can I help you?Hello. Hi.

You guys deliver, right?Yes, we do.

I'd like to make a delivery for today, if

possible. It's kind of an apology

delivery. What would you like to say on

the card?This is tough. OK, Randall

comma, you should never assume.

Exclamation point. Exclamation point.

Exclamation point. Exclamation point. 4

exclamation points. Got that?

Yeah. When I said

to hurry, I meant when you get a

window. Exclamation point. Exclamation

point. OK. And did you want to sign that?

Well, yeah. Let me just finish it up

here. I think we might have gotten off on

the wrong foot. Exclamation point.

Exclamation. I think that's three

exclamation points. Three. I would

love. To make this up to you,

comma. Two commas or one comma?You could.

Yeah. Or you could do 2 dashes. Oh, I

like the dashes. Is that a long enough

beat, you think?Yep. And if you have

anything you want to say to me

about how you behave, comma, I

am all ears. Period. Or no exclamation

point. Even though I'm willing to admit

fault, most people agree with me.

Even the people at the flower shop agree

with me. I don't think I'd be able to fit

that. I think that's about as much as I

can fit on. That's OK. That's that is

fine. Can you rub the card with a flower

so it smells nice?I

mean, the flowers will smell nice,

though. No, not the flower. I don't want

flowers because he's allergic to flowers.

If you could just send the card. No, just

the card on one of those little plastic

sticks. In fact, can we do a card

arrangement?We'll do like two

dozen and we can take one word from what

I gave you and put it on each card. I

don't know. We don't really have. No, we

don't really have that many cards. OK,

Yeah. I mean, yeah, let's just put it in

a pitcher. OK. And put a little water on

the bottom and have the card floating.

Maybe. Is that what you're saying?We

probably won't be able to put water in

it. We could just put the stick in it.

The plastic stick. I like where you're

going with this. Can you read that all

back to me as if I was saying it with,

you know, like with my my emotion. OK.

I'll just, yeah, I'll just read it back

to you.

Yes, I'm liking it. I meant when you get

a window. He's going to love this. This

is perfect. Keep going. I think we might

have gotten off on the wrong foot. I'd

love to make this up to you. Oh, this is

perfect. And if you have anything you

want to say to me about how you behave,

I'm honest. Thank you. Keep going. Even

though I'm willing to admit fall, comma,

most people agree with me. Oh, this is

great. This is great. Period. Do

you think this is too long?I mean, if

that's what I think it's fine. I mean,

now I'm feeling differently about it.

Maybe I should just say Randall comma,

it's your fault. Thank

you, Ethel. I feel bad about this order

being so long. I'd like to get another

arrangement for someone I feel like I've

wronged. Dear Ethel,

I'm sorry to put you through this. You're

the best. I want you to keep that for

yourself. Just put that in your pocket.

Thanks for calling Learning Center. This

is Steve. How can I help you?Ames

Burcham. How's it going, Sir?Going well.

Thank you for calling me, Sir. I don't

often get called, Sir. I'm a veteran and

I appreciate the title, son. No problem.

What can I do for you today?Well, I do

some motivational speaking. I see here

you're running a camp. And I

got a message for these young kids, and

it's a message I don't think they're

picking up these days on MSNB, Hee Haw

or CNN or any of these Quimby

stations. You with me?Yes. So

you're asking if, you know, you could

give a motivational speech to some of the

kids that I have at my camps. Well, it's

good for what ails them. Now, I'm not

overly harsh on the kids. I've seen some

of these shows, shows where they scared

straight. That's not my style. OK, that's

good. That's very good. I have a

prosthetic limb. I'll take it off, but

only to make a point. Never to scare the

children. OK. I'm a

Vietnam veteran. Nine tours of

Vietnam. Wow. I was on a mine

sweep on the Mekong Delta. You know

anything about being in country, son?Yes.

What do you know?Well, I visited some of

the places and some places I

wouldn't like to visit again. But you've

been to Vietnam. I was a kid when I went.

Jesus Christ. I went to the Grand Canyon

when I was 13. I thought it was a big

deal. You went to Nam?Yeah.

I'm sorry, Steve. I'm confused. So they

say, would you like to go to Epcot Center

in Orlando or

Vietnam?Yeah.

You got some worldly parents. Was your

dad in country?Did he surf tours?He did

not. Are you Vietnamese?No.

So you just decided to go on a summer

vacation to Vietnam?They went to

visit friends. That's it. Wow. We had

every right to be in that place. Yeah, I

don't think just anything like that would

be right for a bunch of little kids.

Well, I know I dial it back for the

youngins. It's a whole different tone. I

start off by telling them about hard

work, dedication, God-fearing,

and then I ease into the story. About my

buddy Gary, who had his nutsack blown off

by bouncing Betty. Yeah, I don't think

that'll kind of go over well with five

year olds, 6 year olds, 7 year olds, 8

year olds. Well, again, I'll soften up

the edges, but it's just today's kids.

They think Vietnam is some kind of

theme park where they can go over there

and get themselves a snow cone and a

brownie. Just go there like you did, go

on a bike ride tour. They weren't on a

mine sweep on the Mekong Delta. They

didn't walk through a swamp with an M16

over their head. They don't know what

it's like to dodge a grenade. Yeah, and

just kind of talking with you. I don't

think you would be right for the kids.

They don't know life.

Hi, this is Daisy. Oh, how you doing?My

name is Spooney Love from up above.

My mother named me that because she was

on crack in 1985.

So it's not my fault. Nice to meet you.

Thank you for calling. Thank you. I would

like to take a family photo. Oh, super.

OK, well, I would like to take me and my

wife want to make a family. And I would

like to take photos of the moment of

conception. That's

that's not a service that I offer, but

thank you for calling. And I'll even

shave. I'll have her shave so we

can see detail and we'll have the lights

and the lights will be on and the bee.

But you've never done anything like that.

It would be beautiful. How do you know

that?You've done that before?So you can

take my you can do my my picture

of the moment of we we can't obviously

get a picture of the sperm hitting the

egg. Or we could take a picture of my

face twisted and me going, God

damn it, we could get that picture.

So when my babies are big, they'll go,

wow, Daddy, that's when you made me.

Yeah, they'd love it. And I would say it

took



come out. 22 humps. Well,

listen, it sounds like a terrific

project. It would. It wouldn't be great.

No one has ever done that before. But

Spoonie love from up above. There's no

crackers. HuhThey probably

have them. But it's not. I don't think

I'm the photographer for you. Oh, thank

you. God bless your soul, girl.

All in my mind,

girl.

Hi, what's up?Is this the

etiquette school?We it's not

so much a school, but it is the

school. So I'm at. I'm sorry, I'm in kind

of emergency. I'm in. I'm at a restaurant

with my mom and her new boyfriend and

we're at one of those restaurants. I

don't. I can't even. Say the name. It

looks like ribbons. It's like all curling

together. OK. And

so I'm at the table. We're sitting there

and there's a there's a big fork and then

there's one that's like the baby.

What do you use the baby for?

That will be your salad fork. No, because

I ain't going to eat that.

Do you have to eat that?No, you don't

have to eat anything you don't want to.

Will he think I'm not good if I don't eat

that?Who?My

mom's boyfriend, Louis. Oh, I

I can't really speak for him. I don't

know. Even the waiter came over

and he was. He had two different even

types of water and one of the water

looked like jewelry. And is that diamond

water?Should I not drink that?Is that

only for guys?Cause he, you know, he's a

guy. He's gets more. In life,

I'm not too sure what it is that you're

referring to. Well, guys have the dark

soda and girls have Sprite. Yes,

it's not really. There's not really a

gender specification for

water or anything at the table. There

shouldn't be. Oh, there is because one of

the things on the menu. So when I because

I can barely read it because it's the

what's the ribbon words?Uh-huhWhat's the

ribbon words?Yeah. Yes, ma'am. I have to

speak cursive writing. Oh, yeah. No,

that's the word. That's the word. Yeah.

OK. So, OK, well, if there's anything

else I can help you with, the they

have on the menu. What's

the thing that the girls wear that

they're supposed to wear that show their

legs?A skirt?Yeah,

that type of steak. That's on the

menu. But

I never, ever seen. Why is it that?So

am I supposed to get that cause I'm the

girl?No, ma'am, that's just part of the

steak cause I can't read the cursive

writing you said. So I just want to know

cause I don't want to order the pant

steak in front of him cause my momma

needs this guy. I'm sure your waiter

will be there to help you make a a

selection there in the restaurant, ma'am.

All the stuff I already ate, I don't even

like. So that's why I came to the

bathroom. That's why I'm calling you. And

that's why I spit. I couldn't spit out

the food, you know, at home. I can spit

it wherever dog will eat it. Yes, ma'am.

OK, well, if there's any other questions,

don't call me ma'am. You don't want to

call me ma'am. I'm not a ma'am. I don't

have any. You call me a ma'am.

I don't have money to be a ma'am. OK.

OKCan I?If anything else comes up, can

I come?Come and I call. What's your name?

My name is Liz. What's the name of our

house pig?

Oh, OK. All right, well, have a nice day.

OK, I'm going to sit the phone under my

hat and go back to the table. Can you

stay on the line?

Doctor's office. Hi, this is Bobby. I was

calling to make an appointment. Is it

your first time here?Well, I came in once

to use the bathroom. No, I'm saying like,

have you been here to be your patient?No,

no, noOK. What kind of injury you have?

I have this weird impediment. It's a

belching impediment. OK. Is it a

work-related or a car accident?

Neither. It's not an injury. I just, you

know, I I can't stop belching here

and there. Something in the acupuncture I

read about it on the online. OK, yeah,

because acupuncture is normally local

or workers' comp. But since you don't

have either, it would have to be cash.

Yeah, that's fine. I just got something

going on in my throat. OK.

Has anybody ever called in with this

problem, though?Not. No.

So you never heard of it before?No. I'm

in a play tomorrow, so I wanted to see if

it could, you know, the acupuncture can

maybe help it out. Do you had a play

tomorrow, you said?A play.

OK. For kids. All right. I'll

have him call you back. What'd you say?I

said I'll have him call you back. OK. OK

If I come in, though, can I sit in a

separate room?I don't want to, you know,

would it be a problem, you think, if I'm

in the waiting room?I'm not

sure because I wouldn't. I'd haven't had

anybody with that. No. Would it

bother you, though?

I mean. Yeah.

Sorry. If I could help it, I would. It's

OK. I haven't had a girlfriend in three

years since it started happening. All

right. OK.

Well, I got this play tomorrow that I got

to, you know, in front of these kids. The

what play?You know that Macbeth one?No, I

don't, Sir. OK. Can I practice the lines

on you?Because I'm trying to memorize it

so I don't read off a card. Hello. I'm

listening. Tomorrow and tomorrow and

tomorrow.

Creeps in this petty pace from

day-to-day to the last

syllable of recorded time,

and all of our yesterdays have lighted

fools the way to dusty death.

Thank you on hold. How may I help you?I

was in the other day and I bought the



didn't work cause I tried to get a job

with it. I put it on for the interview

and I did not get the job and I blame

your mustache. It's on record. Your

mustache is at fault for me not having a

job. Thanks a lot. OK,

thank you. Oh, no, I'm not

happy. OK. There's nothing I can do

about that, Sir. I mean, you bought a

mustache. You've seen what you

purchased. I mean, there's nothing I can

do to help you. I mean, maybe you did not

put it on correctly. I also bought a wig.

The wig works. I'm not blaming the wig.

It's always, it's really the mustache at

this point. Can you at least maybe hire

me for a few weeks so I can make some?

Money to grow a real mustache. No, I'm

sorry. We're laying people off. Can I

maybe exchange this mustache for like a

full beard?No, no

Anything worn on the face or the head is

non-returnable. It's more of a houseball.

What about a Viking helmet?I'm sorry,

what?Could I trade the mustache in for a

Viking helmet and then I can just go in

and take the job and go, I'm a Viking.

Give me the job. I'm sorry, no Sir, but

you should write that on the mustache.

It's it should say non-returnable on the

actual mustache written in. It says it on

all your receipts when you check out.

Also, Sir, you should change it to give

a warning that says will not get job.

Package said guaranteed groovy times and

this was not a groovy time. This is the

opposite of groovy. You know it's not. I

didn't write that on the card, so I'm not

the one who guaranteed that. I

mean, it wasn't me. It was definitely the

mustache. I have good qualifications.

Well, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you do.

I've seen every episode of Law and Order,

and apparently that's not enough to be a

lawyer. Gunk Gunk. No, I'm sorry to

hear that, but I'm sure you're qualified.

I know I'm qualified. Gunk Gunk.

I'll come in and show you the mustache

and that how it really. But I'm just

letting you know there won't be any

exchange or returns. Anything worn on the

face or head, we strictly will not take

back. I don't want to go on util and give

you a bad recommendation. Well, I I

don't. I don't want that either. But I'm.

I'm sorry I cannot take anything back

worn on the face. Two thumbs down on

util. You you stepped in it.

OK. Thanks for nothing. OK. I'm sorry to

hear that. Faulty mustache. Thank you. I

write one negative review on Udal and

you'll be shut down by Halloween.

Gunk, gunk.

Look at that.