05x12 - Aubrey Plaza, Ron Funches & Derek Waters

[bunniefuu]

Eleanor, I just ignore. Wish

she'd die. That b*tch has no hobbies.

She's a woman who looks just like me.

She's holding a flower. No one holds a

flower. So she can't dig in like a like

an angry Wolverine when she gets crazy. I

just need a place where I can burn the

hair of my enemies and. and hit the gym.

This is what apes do. I'm like, You're

not an ape. You're an orthodontist. f*ck

your in-laws. Let's Let's wake the whole

neighborhood up.

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they pick

upFrom New York to Alabama

The problem was draw our a*s in the slam

Because we're disturbing others Maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Thank you for calling rafting. This is

Eve. How can I help you?Hello?

Is this the rafting?This is.

OK, so my client, who is a

very well-known popular

music star, would love to go on

a whitewater rafting adventure.

And I was wondering to get, I wanted to

get some details on all of that, what the

level of danger is, whether she be in

peril of any kind. So go ahead. We have a

few different types of trips that we can

offer. It sounds like you'd be looking

for a private trip. Yes, totally private,

but with other people. I recommend her

half-day trip. It's 3 hours. Is that too

long for you?That's way too long. Yes.

I'm thinking like maybe like a



The thing is, she's very impatient. OK,

gotcha. Great. And she won't get wet and

she can bring her trainer on the. What is

it?Like some kind of a ship. So they're

yellow rubber rafts. She will

get wet. Oh, they're rubber because she

does have some very long. 5

inch long fingernails are shaped into

spiky points, right?They're incredibly

durable so she can dig in like a like an

angry Wolverine when she gets crazy

because she does get a little crazy.

Yeah, sure. Are there any dangerous birds

in the area that might swoop her up

because she's very tiny?No, no birds. Let

me tell you something. The last thing we

need is Ari getting taken by a bird,

by an eagle or a a Mohawk or

something like that. Be horrible. Yeah.

No, that's not something that would occur

here. So what I want to just make sure is

that everyone obeys her orders. Like,

maybe she sees an animal she likes. We'd

like to take that. If she sees a tree she

wants to have at her home, we'd like to

chop, chop, chop that down. Her motto is,

I see it. I like it. I want it. I get it.

And that's all we need from everyone

there. Yeah, I gotcha. And what about

Sephora's?Are there any along the

Riverside in case we need to make a quick

stop?No. There's no way to get

one of those going. Like a pop-up. A

Sephora?Yeah. No.

Well, let's go through and just kind of

recap here so I have everything, because

she does sometimes get very angry with me

and sometimes she yells. So

let's just go through everything if we

can. OK. Great. Yeah. So

whoa, hold on a second. I'm just, can you

just hold on one second?I'm getting a

yeah. Oh, you know what?I I just got a

text from her and she's decided to go

bowling instead. OK, but maybe

another time we could do this because it

sounds like so much fun. I love the the

rubber canoe and all the things you guys

have planned. I mean, the Sephora pop-up

sounds amazing. Yeah, definitely.

Well, you know, tell the canoodlers and

the rowers and the Sasquatches and

whatever the hell you guys have up there

that. I said so sorry we can't do

this and Ari feels terrible about it. She

doesn't really. But I just wanted to say

that and I just wanted to say thank you

for your time. Bye. Bye. OK, thank you.

Bye.

Benning and Matthews Orthodox. This is

Rosie. How can I help you?Hi, Rosie.

This is Ben Donovan. I'm calling because

I saw your Craigslist ad about. A

lab tech wanted. OK, yeah. I just

wanted to let you know that, um, I would

love to apply for your job. I used to

work for my father, who was an

orthodontist in Baltimore for 25 years.

Oh, that's awesome. Did you submit a

resume to the e-mail address?I was about

to. I just wanted to make sure you guys

were still looking. Yep, we sure are. Oh,

that makes me so happy. Now, I I just

want to let you know that when I my dad

used to bite off my toenails when I was a

kid when I worked for him. But like,

that's not going to affect my job working

with you guys, I promise. All righty.

That's no problem. But it's great that

you have experience. My therapist said I

just, I just need to let any possible

employer know that he used to bite off my

toenails, but I shouldn't put that on the

resume. No, I don't think that's

necessary to put on there. Yeah, it's

just it's those things that when you get

older, you're like, was that normal?And

then you're like, you get older, you're

like, probably not. But, you know, it was

when he was an orthodontist. So I just

thought I should let you know, you know

Yeah, I've honestly never heard that one.

He would be like, this helps the

bicuspids. And I'm like, I don't think

you know your bicuspids, Papa. I tell my

kids not to bite their nails or toenails.

It's disgusting. On one side, it's

disgusting. On the other side, it kind of

tickles. I mean, I'm going to be honest,

but he's dead and gone and

but I would love to help out. I am a

people person and and I'm

really excited. I love teeth. So do I.

It's funny now that he's dead, but I'd

still, like, think about him biting my

toenails. Yeah, and those are memories. I

got to remember the good, not the bad.

When he would do my fingernails, those

would really hurt. OK. So I'll

go ahead and make sure I'll give my

office manager your name. So then when

she gets that e-mail, she can go ahead

and talk to the doctor and then give you

a call. OK. OKI really appreciate

it. And I I I won't bring it up about my

dad biting my toenails. Do you think

there's a, do you think there's a good

chance I could get a job there?I

quite possibly think so. Just. Then in

that resume, you know, we need that kind

of funny here. So I don't want people to

laugh at me, Rosie. I just want to be

taken serious. Nobody's going to laugh at

you. I just. I think maybe I put my foot

in my mouth when I said it, but

sincerely, like it was a thing he

would do, like after work. He never did

it while he was working on a patient. He

kept going like, this is what apes do.

I'm like, you're not an ape. You're an

orthodontist. As weird

as it sounds now, like at that time I was

like, I'm getting closer to my father.

But I just want to make sure that you do

send in your resume. OK?Just so you have

it, I'll take a picture of my toes so you

can see how long my nails are. No, that's

not necessary. Hey, Rosie, I like you.

You have a great day. OK. I can't wait to

see your teeth on my toenails.

This is Terry. I'm just calling about the

ad for the one bedroom apartment. Is am I

talking to the right person?How soon do

you need to move in?We need to move in

very soon. Um, I'm not sure what your

restrictions are in terms of how many

people can live in the space. I know it's

a one bedroom. I'm a part of a

sisterhood. I don't like to use the word

coven, but people use it about

us. But we consider

ourselves one unit. But there are

seven of us. It's typically.

Two heads per bedroom. We all have one

head per body. No, I know. I'm saying

like, it's not me. I'm a roller. So I the

apartment communities, they have

occupancy laws that they go by. We're

Wiccans, you know, we're not, we're not

felons. No, I'm just

saying it's just so much discrimination

against against witches these days and

it's literally a witch hunt. That's

that's not right. Can I just ask you a

couple of questions about this space?Is

there room for a cauldron?I I don't know

what that is. It's a man sized pot. It's

I just need a place where I can burn the

hair of my enemies and and hit the gym.

Is it all access?I I don't know. I

don't. I don'tWork for the apartment

community. We want a strong

flushing toilet in case we have to be

doing any pet sacrifices, boiling

frogs and whatnot. We want to know if the

elliptical machine works backwards. Will

it open a portal to another dimension?

Will we be flung into the astral space?

Things like that. And if you can't help

me with that, then we'll curse you to

hell. Would you like the phone number?Do

you allow pets?Most

departments do allow pets. Yes, they do.

What if they're dead?Are they

allowed if they're dead?I don't know. I'm

surprised you're even asking these kinds

of questions. Well, I'm sorry that you

haven't come across a witch before, but

that's well, if you really open your eyes

when you walk down the street, you'll be

seeing that most people are cursing you

to hell, whether you want to believe that

or not. Well, I'm not going to curse you.

I don't even know you, but. Better not

curse me. Better not curse me

or I will

curse myself to hell. You don't have a

great name.

Museum. What can I help you with?I'm so

glad to get you on the phone. You can

definitely help me. There is a

portrait in your museum

that. looks exactly like me. It

It is me. Basically, let's just get down

to the nitty gritty. I just want 10% of

the earnings that the museum makes off of

them. I'm sorry, I don't know what

portraits you're talking about. Any

portraits we display are displayed with

the artist's permission. You guys are

using me, my face, in this

museum. I'm getting nothing. I didn't

give my consent. They got my cleavage all

wrong. So I'm going to suggest you send

us an e-mail, but there's nothing I'm

able to do. It's just not fair. I mean,

this is a clear case of identity theft.

Just give me my due diligence. I want my

due diligence. Ma'am, I'm not able to do

that. That's why I'm suggesting an e-mail

to us, and then that will be passed on to

the appropriate department. What if I had

a painted view, I put it in another

museum, and then other people are making

money off of your face?I would

assume that you had-- that you as the

artist had spoken to me and gotten my

permission to paint me. You don't even

know which painting it is. You're not

asking me about the details. You're just

trying to shut me down. OK, what gallery

is it in?What exhibit?It's with the fancy

paintings. Check the collection. The

collection, ma'am, is painting from the

medieval-- Middle Ages to the 19th

century. Yes, I know.

Exactly. You got it. So it can't be a

painting of you. They were all painted

over 200 years ago. First of all, I eat

great. There are people in in this life

that live over 100 years old. Now I

feel insulted. It's like you're age

shaming me. I'm sorry you feel that way,

ma'am. It's not about feeling. It's about

facts. She's a woman who looks just like

me. She's holding a flower. No one holds

a flower. I'm going to ask you to go

ahead and e-mail us one more time. You

know what?I got something for that

museum. I'm going to paint your assHow

about that?Ma'am, I can't hear you at

all. Connections have gotten quite

grappled. That's your a*s OK?What was

that?You were cutting out again, ma'am.

Stop lying to me. You know what?You and

Anthony Van d*ke in on this, huhMa'am--

It's all right, 'cause I'm gonna hop in

my time machine. Oh! Oh! Wait till I get

my hands on and Anthony Van d*ke

Hi, how are you?You're talking to Hi, my

name's Tawny. I'm a big fan of your guys'

store. Excellent. I bought some yoga

pants for the first time. I had never

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did one of those unboxing videos where

you, you know, and I put them on. Your

pants ended up giving me a huge camel toe

and it really accentuated my vag*na

area in a way that was pretty aggressive.

We do a lot of fit sessions, so I would

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connect you with one of our educators

that you feel comfortable with and they

can give you like a whole. One of the

guys commented on my post. They were

like, did your vag*na grow another vag*na?

And I was like, Oh my God, well, that's

not very nice. No, it's not nice at all.

And I just want to wear tight,

comfortable pants. Yeah, I mean, we have

so many different fabrics. Is there a

thick fabric?Because I do have straight.

I have. I'm embarrassed to say this. I do

have straight pubes and they have a

tendency to poke through some of the

fabric. Oh, no worries. Good. Cause I'm

like an overweight porcupine. It's like

not great down there. It's really, you

know, we have a bunch of different

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pant that lifts and separates, you know

what I mean?Heart the Red Seas. You know,

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product. You sound so handsome and I'm

embarrassed to put those pants on in

front of you. It looks like a big Jersey

Mike Sub poking out of there. I do have

to run, but you do have our phone number

if you ever have any. I feel so bad I

wasted your time. Turns out I did, in

fact, drop a hoagie in my pants.

Oh, there's never a waste of time. This

is a big sandwich. Are you hungry?That's

quite all right. You're missing out. We

are very busy right now, so I'm going to.

The good news is my vag*na looks

awesome. That is. That is great. I will.

I'll see you soon. And I do

fart in public.

Hello, my name is Arthur and I am

looking to install a garden on

my rooftop. Oh wow, that sounds like fun.

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach the

classics at and and what

is your name?My name is Kathy. Is that

short for Catherine?Yes, it is. Sweet

Catherine, take my hand, dine

and imbibe. That's Wordsworth.

Yes. Anyway, I'm just very excited to

get my garden. Some of the greatest

authors of our time have written

masterpieces in the garden, and I want

something as an ode to my to my lovely

wife, Eleanor. Cool. I'm on the

phone, Eleanor, with the garden people.

I'm sorry. Right. Eleanor, no tea.

Not now. Eleanor, just go

and take the dog out. Let's see. Um, what

would be a good time for you to have

come out?Let's see. How about Monday

morning?Eleanor, Monday morning, the

garden people are coming. I don't care.

Cancel it, Eleanor. Um, 8:00.

Eight o'clock, yes. Are you married?

Mm-hmmDo you?Are you in love with your

husband?I'm sorry. I'm prodding. Yes.

He's my favorite person. Oh, an

ode to a spouse. Well, let's poetry

together, shall we?I

do, sweet one. And you

say, sweet one, I do. I do, sweet

one. Sweet one, I do. Now die,

sweet one. Then what?

And you say, I have been m*rder*d. I have

been m*rder*d. Yes, it's very tragic, but

beautiful. Oh, are you

into modern poetry?Like, you

know, rap is poetry. Well,

sure. Eleanor, I just

ignore. Wish she died. That

b*tch has no hobbies. At this point, I'm

freestyling. I'm sorry. I've opened up to

you, Catherine. You will come to my

garden. Of course. And Eleanor will

watch from the window like the shut in

she is. Oh, I love

your laugh, Catherine. If you look as

beautiful as your laugh, I may leave this

life and pursue you.

Oh, it's contagious.

All right. Feels good to laugh.

Laugh with me. Eleanor's dead

inside with her stringy hair and her

pale skin. And a stupid

dog and a dumb friends laugh with

me. I can't. My cheek hurts.

Oh, this was the highlight of my day.

Do you love me?Absolutely.

Yes. Did you hear that, Eleanor?A woman

is capable of loving me, you

shrew. All right, Catherine,

I must go poison my wife. Bye, bye.

Goodbye.

Hello. Hey, call you about the wrestling

tag team partner. Are you going to be my

tag team partner?Oh, yeah. I was waiting

on your call today, man. I saw your ad on

Craigslist. Thanks for calling back.

What's like the details with the guy?I'm

definitely interested, man. OK, well, let

me give you a little bit of my background

information. I've been trained. I trained

in California with the Santino Brothers

School. That sounds cool. I mean, I'm I'm

an athlete. I've done athletics my whole

life, but I haven't done any wrestling.

I've tried to get into schools and stuff,

but I like, I need to see someone to

teach me the basics of it all, you know

Yeah. Doomsday, the Vice Diner liner, the



teaching ourselves as we get better, you

know?That's how it works. Do you come in

with a pre-established character?Do you

have something that you're you're leaning

towards?Yeah. CM Punk and like the rock

you know on the like that like that you

know I'm saying like those that arrogant

type of feel you know I'm saying OK but

what if I'm just spitballing we went like

the other way OK I've been wanting to

call myself like I just want to be the

reckless n*gro and I'm from the backwoods

of the Oregon coast and I'm just like

hide your weed and white women there's a

reckless n*gro coming and I kind of like

just chase through the crowd we from the

backwoods and we there to just. To

cause destruction, maybe throw candy at

people. I like that. You know, I wear

like overalls, like that type of look,

you know, like a hay hat. Yeah, you could

eat, eat worms or some type of like carry

a bucket of insects that we that we

share. OK, well, I kind of see like we're

coming together. Maybe we could be like

we'd be the the garbage boy. Nothing. The

garbage man. I like that. I like it. You

know, you cut promos at all. You good at

cutting promos?But yeah, I can definitely

talk and stuff like that. You know, I

definitely got like that acting sense to

me. Cut me a quick 32nd promo. Make me

feel it. I live in the house with my

in-laws. f*ck your in-laws. Let's let's

wake the whole neighborhood up, bro. You

going against Hulk Hogan?What would you

say to him?I'd be like. I'll beat you and

take your daughter home with me and I'll

be a part of the family. You call me your

son-in-law. Oh, that's too far.

That's too far. I mean, it's a man's

daughter. Think I have you. See, that's

why I need you. So you be like, no, you

can't say that shitNice. And we're going

to eat together. We're going to train

together. We can shower together. I'll

shave your back. I'm going to need you to

get mine because I'm the 270. I can't get

all of it. But, you know, it's nothing

sexual. It's just how tag teams work, you

know?Whatever you need me to do, man. I'm

definitely in. OK, but you know how the

wrestling world work. I'm not going to

quit. What if your in-laws have a problem

with it?What if your wife has a problem

with it?And she knows if she gets in the

way, she's gone. Yeah, 100%, 100%. What I

like about you. You are committed. I just

needed someone to show me your way.

That's all, man. Oh, hold on. Oh, it's

chili night here at the show. Oh, you

ever had Thursday chili?Thursday.

No. So I'm going to have to get my my

diaper changed first, though. All right.

See you soon. Yeah. See you soon, Devin.

Quick. Give me a call. All right. Love

you, garbage boy. Love you too, guys.

Boy. Have a good one.

Look at that.