05x11 - Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman & Nikki Glaser

[bunniefuu]

I put the spicy wing inside of her cootie

cat. That's not my problem. Guys who make

bumper stickers have sh*t for

brainsI've got to run to the bathroom

with some soft ploppers a lot. One time

my wife, may she rest in peace, came home

and I was wearing her underpants. I got B

tittiesOkay. I felt very micro-aggressed.

I'm looking forward to bringing you,

Teddy, my hot, sticky loads.

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell, but

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up from New York to

Alabama. They'll

probably want to throw our a*s in the

same, because we're discerning others,

maybe even your mother. Crank

Yankers tonight. Crank Yankers.

Hi, this is. Hi, this is

Bobby. Yeah. How can I help you?Yeah, I

was. I saw this bumper sticker that got

made-up by your company. I was behind

this car. Oh, great. And I was, yeah,

well, I was pretty offended by it,

actually. Well, good. It probably was

intended to be offensive. So they're busy

right now. If you want to yell at me,

I'll call you back. You can yell at me

all you want. No, I don't want to yell at

you. I just want to see if I can get some

made there too. Hey, I I'm doing my

best here, man. I got a busy day going on

by myself. So no, I I'm busy too. I'm

just asking if can we get that made or,

you know, tell me to text you on there.

Guys who make bumper

stickers have

shitFor

brains. Well, thanks a lot. I

appreciate that, Bobby. Look, I'm just

trying to give you some business. Yeah, I

mean, I'll make it. I don't care. Give me

a credit card. Let's go. All right. And

then could you put a picture of a turd on

it too?Doesn't bother me. Could you

just read it back then so we'd make sure

it's it's right?Cause I ordered a bumper

sticker once and it was all messed up.

Yeah, well, this is not a real order. So

how about guys who have bumper stickers

have tiny DicksThen that's not on you.

Hey, look, I'm busy. I don't have time

for stupid sh*t like this. It's not Stu.

What's stupid?I'm trying to place an

order. Yeah. What else?

What else you got for me?What?You're not

gonna do any of these?You before you said

it. Good. You're offended. I like that

you are. So yeah, I'm just busy right

now, brother. So. But you're taking an

order. This is this is what you do. If

you're gonna do business, let's do some

do some business. Well, how much you

charge?Bucket piece. I I want to

get a couple different ones. What's the



I love selling bumper stickers. That

would fit, right?

So, you know, if you're having fun with

me and then that's fine. What are you

wearing?What am I wearing?I'm getting

ready to block your number, dude. I also

want to get a I'm a busy little bumper

sticker man. Yeah. OK. Talk to you later,

man.

Drawbar Boutique. How can I help you?Hi,

I have a complaint. I was. I was in your

store looking for some new bras

and one of your sales persons there

was very aggressive with me.

I know what size bra I wear.

I've worn AB cup since I was eight

years old and this person had the

nerve to tell me. That I was a a cup.

I was hurt cause I look, I know

I have some old t*tties but they

definitely are still AB. They

might droop a little bit and and lay flat

and make you think they As, but they

BSI got B t*tties

OK And I felt very, I felt very micro

aggressed. I totally get where you're

coming from and I apologize that that

happened. I know I'm different, Bryce,

depending on where I buy my bra from. I'm

not sure who made you feel that way.

It was a a lady who works in your

store and she needs

some sensitivity lessons

because as a woman, I mean, we are

always being, you know, torn

down. When when we out here in these

streets, we we need to be a little bit

more understanding. And lift each

other up. Like how I want this bra

to lift up my beautiful B t*tties

right?We should be feel free to just

to walk these streets with with our boobs

out, right?But no, we

got to cover them up. At least let me

wear the bra that makes me feel good

about myself. Yeah, like

my areolas, they take up most of the of

the of the bra. I got huge.

Areolas and and one of my n*pples goes

off to the left, but they they

bees. She all she saw was

just areolas and

and my crazy nipple and didn't even

consider the rest of my boobsYeah,

but again, I apologize for that.

So and I hope it doesn't happen again.

She told me that my nipple looked like

her Uncle Lou. Come on.

Does anyone there have an Uncle Lou?Do

you know what I'm talking about?No, I

don't. When I was young, my

boob came in, but only one of them came

in. I spent a great deal of my

adolescence walking around with just one

boob and and an empty cup on the

other side, right?I think I'm just going

to forget about these bras and just free

my boobsWe should just do that. We should

just say to hell with it.

Someone just actually walked into the

store, so I actually have to go. Is there

anything else I can do for you?Well,

well, put that customer on the phone and

let me warn her that her t*tties are

about to be microaggressed.

Thank you for calling. Savvy speaking.

How may I assist you?Hi, I have a

phone and it is malfunctioning.

Tell me about it. So I am

not receiving texts for some reason.

They're going through, they're

delivering, they're seen, they're

read, and then none are coming back

through. Your calls are working, right?

And your Internet's working. Yeah,

everything else is working. It says shut

your phone off and then start it back on

and then try it again. Oh, I've tried it.

You tried it?I'm just wondering if this

is something that normally happens on

your end. Do you?No. It's just this one

guy. Oh, it's only one person. Just one

person. And he he isn't texting back.

Does he have you blocked?There's just no

way. I mean, we had a really good time

together and text him from someone else's

phone to see, OK, that I don't

really have anyone else in my life right

now. All right. I mean, I let him

know I love him. I just need him to know

and I just want to hear back. Definitely.

I know that he's trying to get back to

me. He's maybe pinned under something and

I'm just, I'm starting to freak out.

Yeah. It's just not like him. Is there

any way that you could text him for me

and say I couldn't do it for you because

we have the display models and I could

not be violating code. Oh, what about

your personal phone?I wouldn't be able to

do that, ma'am. I'm sorry. I do apologize

and I get fired and I need my job. Yeah,

OK. OKI just. This doesn't

happen to me. I mean, it doesn't. When I

hook up with a guy, I get text back. You

don't know his Instagram. I'm blocked

from Instagram. They've they're not

letting me back on there after

what I've I've done. Make a new account.

I've tried. I still have

Myspace. That's pretty much the only

social platform that will allow me at

this point. When I saw this guy, like,

you don't even understand. Like, I looked

the best I've ever looked and I did the

best job I could ever do, you know, in

our time together. You know what I'm

talking about?Like, I really gave it my

all. I didn't even ask for anything. I

just gave and gave and gave. And he

seemed to have a good time. I mean, it

was everywhere. I have only

known him for like 42 minutes before

we, like, really started hooking up or

whatever. But if you text someone 20

times in a row, obviously the phone is

working. So I'm wondering if, like,

technology is down right now

or OK,

this always happens.

Thank you for calling. How may I help you?

Hello. Hello

Now you people are calling you because I

ate something. You ate something.

My grandson bought me some hard candies.

Uh-huhAnd it had your number on it.

OK. Now I'm feeling very silly

right now, and I want more of them.

OK. Um, do you, if you come in and tell

us. I saw a rainbow in my house.

Wow. That's really awesome.

And then I tried to dance with it. Well,

that sounds really great. If you, um, if

you, when you're feeling. I need to get

more of these candies from you people.

Of course, yeah. So if when you're

feeling better, if you want to come back

in and bring the package with you, we can

load you up with more. I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling very good right now.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. And now I'm

getting hungry from them and I need more.

Because I already ate everything in my

house. I ate a whole bunch of bananas.

Yep. Yeah. Nope. That happens to me too.

One time my wife, may she rest

in peace, came home and I was

wearing her underpants. Wow.

I told her the telephone repair

man held me down and put them on me.

The fella got fired. But that was years

ago. Why are you asking about that?I

didn't. You just started telling me.

Who did?So if you want to tell your

grandson to come on in and get more, he

can get more for you. I can't feel my

feet right now. And I'm now

starting to drift off. Well, why don't

you take a nap?And then when you wake up,

you can bring the candy in and we will

get you more. One time

my wife came home and I was wearing

her underpants. You told me that already.

I blamed it on the telephone repairman.

Yeah, you told me. What'd I tell you?

You told me that story. I feel good.

I ate something and now I feel

good. I'm glad. Hello.

Glad. Did I tell you the story?

My wife. I have to go help customers. May

she rest in peace. We were married for 50

years and she fell down the stairs.

And she passed away. Well, that's

very sad. And it makes me sad

because I miss her. But also

what makes me happy now is

candy. We eat candy?

Yeah, we eat candy. We can get you more.

My wife was a beautiful, full

figured lady. Sir, I have to go, but um..

And one time she came home

and I was wearing...

Her underpants. I will definitely help

you out when you come in. They were too

big for me, 'cause I'm a very slender

guy. I wore her

underpants to her funeral,

and now I feel good.

Glad.

Thank you for calling the . This is How

can I help you?Hi. Hadassah

Guberman is my name. I ate there

about a week ago. I ate with a few

friends, and

we all shared something on the menu that

gave me insane

diarrhea. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, but I am the hottest I have

ever been when I'm not sh1tting my brains

out.

OK, the diarrhea was like a

revelation. Like I would eat that every

day and like and not go to the gym.

I run mainly because

I've got to run to the bathroom with some

soft ploppers a lot.

I'm not sure how to respond to

that. I guess like even just in a

self-care way, 'cause I'm such a busy

person and it's nice that every couple of

hours I'm forced to sit down and be with

myself and I'm

loving it. What is in the pesto?

They make like a cream sauce, like a a

Alfredo sauce and then put that pesto

base in there. I made a cream sauce.

Hey, is it OK if I write a Yelp review

and just say that?The gave me the

best diarrhea of my life. We would prefer

you don't. Honestly, I don't think

everybody's going to find that as a good

thing. Do you eat at the restaurant

regularly?Yeah. YeahI'm here 40 to



quite a bit. And how are your BM's?

Pretty regular. Loose. No.

HuhNot at all. Solid.

No, I'm just confused. I want to know if

there's something that we can do for you

if you want us to. I'm. I'm just

confused. Can I make a reservation

for your bathroom?OK.

I'm again, I'm still confused. I'm not

sure. How to deal with

it, to be honest. I, you know, I go to

the bathroom on the grass because I'm

Jewish. And so it's been really hard to

pick it up with a doggy bag because it's

just so liquidy. Are you still there?Tad,

I'm the general manager here. Yeah,

we're. And you know, we haven't had any

other reports, but we do have your

information and we'll call you and follow

up on that if we hear anything else. OK.

So thank you so much. If you could just

give my compliments to the chef. Maybe

like a happy medium would be if you could

reimburse me for the underwear I've

ruined. OK, well, thank you. Well, have a

great rest of your day. I love that

you're the manager. Yeah, no problem.

Have a great rest of your day. Thanks.

Thanks. And like I said, we made notes of

this. OK, I love you. Thanks.

Laundry. May I help you?Hello. Is this

the laundry mat?Yes, it is.

Wonderful. This is Niall Standish

calling. With whom am I speaking?This is

Carrie. Wonderful. Wonderful. And are you

the proprietor?I don't know. He's at

work. All right. Well, perhaps you can

help him. I'm interested in dropping off

some loads with you. Would that be

possible?Oh, yeah. It would be

the afternoon girl that would have to do

it. Oh. An afternoon girl.

Yeah. There's no afternoon boys, just the

afternoon girls. It's nothing personal.

I'm usually more comfortable with a young

man handling my load. But if she's as

good as you say, then that's fine.

No, we don't have any gentlemen working

at the laundry. All right. If I were to

empty my entire sack at your facility,

would you be able to have it ready by the

time I drop off another batch, say,

the following morning?I'm a little bit

older. Well, it just depends on how much

it is and how many people are in here

doing laundry themselves, because they

have priority over the machines or we do.

Well, Carrie, let me tell you this. I

have a very large sack with at least a

month's worth of loads. Yeah. Let

me ask you this. My load is is wet and a

little sticky. How are we able to handle

a wet and sticky load?You just have to

put them in the machine and wash them, my

dad. We do it commercially, try to do it

the cheapest we can for people. You know

what I mean?Between us, I try to do my

loads as cheaply as I can as well. Yeah,

that's between us girls. All right. OK.

Now, have you worked with these loads at

all?I've been working here in the laundry

for 14 years. Oh, so you're

very familiar with loads. All right. Are

your wash tops or bottoms?I only ask

because I have a hard time bending over

and filling up a machine with my load. We

had both. We had. We had single loads,

double loads, triple loads. Keep going.

Keep going. We had one to hold 60 lbs

wet. Oh, perfect.

Perfect. Perfect. Let me ask you this.

Your bottom loaders, are they power

bottoms?Are they what?Power

bottoms?Oh, well, we had single loads.

You know, you had to throw them from the

top. Normally what I would do at this

point, I would be down at the Rio Grande

splashing my load against a rock. But the

local constable has a real hard on

against me. But I'm looking forward to

bringing you, Kerry, my hot, sticky

loads. Let's stick some coins in that

slot and splash my load. How does that

sound?You know what?I'm going to have to.

My laundry's over there. Stop. And I got

to go take care of it. Kerry, Kerry, why

are you bugging?Well, you know, we have

to do them as they come. First come,

first serve, you know what I mean?Yes, we

do have to do them as they come. We do

have to do them. And Carrie, can I tell

you something?I'm coming.

I'm coming. Carrie, I'm coming. Oh, dear

Lord, Carrie.

Thank you for calling Moore's Spicy Fried

Chicken. My name is Spoonie Love from up

above. My friends call me from up above.

But I ordered some food from you guys a

little while ago, right?Yes. And I

ordered the XXX hot. All that stuff.

I want an X. OK. And they put an extra. I

think they put an extra 2 X's on it

because me and my wife was feeling a

little freaky. OK, Sir, Sir, Sir,

what's the nature of your call, Sir?I'm

getting ready to tell you if you give me

a minute. I put put the food on our

bodies and we wanted to eat it off our

bodies, right?OK, that's personal, Sir.

Yeah, but listen, I'm trying to tell you

somebody in your kitchen might not be on

the up and up cause I put the spicy wing

inside of her cootie cat and now my mouth

I'm drinking.

This is Morris. Morris. You hung up on

me, Morris. Excuse me?Why are you angry

with me, man?Brother, I'm not angry with

you. I just don't want to hear about what

you did with your hot chicken with your

wife. Listen, I'm sitting on a mound of

sour cream because my anusOK, Sir. Sir,

I'm in the middle of orders right now, so

I have to. I have to get to my I'm

prolapsed. I'm prolapsed right now.

That's not my problem that you put your

little child hot chicken on your white's

coochie cat, man. That's personal. No, it

wasn't personal. You never did that. OK,

brother, brother, I am not going to have

this conversation with you because you're

starting to piss me off. You're angry

with me. My butthole is on fire. OK,

goodbye.

Look at that.