05x06 - David Alan Grier, Will Forte & Chelsea Peretti

[bunniefuu]

Could you put me in touch with Brad

Garrett?Uh, no. Raymond. I'm

a customer. I want to be a customer.

You're crazy. Nope, Giles. Back in the

box. There's somebody out there taking

pies. Mm-hmmLook at me hooked

on some m*therf*cking books. I

hate fedoras.

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell. But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up from New York to

Alabama. They'll

probably want to throw our a*s in the

slam because we're disturbing others,

maybe even your mother. Crank Yankers

tonight. Crank

Yankers.

Good afternoon. Thank you for calling.

This is. How can I help you?Hi. I believe

that your shop sold my boyfriend a purple

fedora velvet. OK.

So essentially his entire personality has

shifted. What is the deal with these

fedoras?Did you tell him something when

he bought the fedora, possibly that might

have puffed him up and made him feel like

he's king shitI'm

not really sure. I've never

heard of something like this happening

before. So you've never seen like a

customer, they walk in there and they're

kind of a dweeb and then all of a sudden

they put it on. They're like, oh, check

me out. Now I'm a totally different dude

than the one that you started dating.

There can definitely be a level of

confidence that can be boosted when you

feel good in a in an article of clothing.

Well, you sound confident. I'm confident.

I do you have a fedora right now on?I

don't. I do. I'm currently wearing a

fedora. Yes. Oh, it just gets worse and

worse. He won't even take it off like in

bed. OK, What would you like me to?

Well, here's the thing. I'll tell you

what I'd like you to do and it's very

specific. I last night when he was asleep

and he's so pissed at me right now. I

took this freaking hat and I cut it up

with scissors into little freaking tiny

pieces. What I want to do is bring you a

bag of those pieces and I want you to

give me my money back because what you

did is irresponsible and it's not right.

He's so mad at me now and this has almost

been like a relationship ender.

Because we sold him a hat. It's it's a

relationship ender. That's what you're

saying. Exactly. OK, I'm going to call

some higher ups and see what we can do,

and one of them will probably give you a

call. Is that OK?How many higher ups is

it?Like 16 of them wearing gold hats

somewhere in a mansion?

And you're you're you're making a profit

by taking people's souls. The devil is

alive. Is there anything else I can help

you with today, Jocelyn?I thought you'd

never ask. Yeah, I want to buy a fedora

for myself. I want him to see what it

feels to be on the receiving end of the

arrogance and the

bravado, the confidence that

seems it will never end of someone

wearing a fedora. Wow, I want



a pile outside your store. Big old

fedora bonfire. And you ask the higher

ups if they're all right with that.

Sir. Sir, you can call me

whatever you like. No, I'm saying I am a

Sir. I identify as he. OK.

My apologies, Sir. Thank you.

I hate fedoras.

Is it OK if we end this conversation now

so I can do not have my consent?

OK, so I'm just supposed to sit on the

phone with you all day. I would

appreciate it. I've never had one friend.

I I'm sorry. That's a personal issue.

I'm. I'm working. I honor you.

You honor me. Will you be my friend?

Take off your fedora and come meet me

for a late lunch. I'm not meeting you

outside of work. I'm not meeting you

anywhere. This is an issue that is out of

my hands. I can see what I can do. And

you're not letting me help you. He will.

I'm not letting you get off the phone and

come to your store and lead you to me.

Hi, this is. How may I help you?

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I'm

the person who left their baby there. Oh,

my goodness. Umm I wasn't aware of that.

Give me one moment. I was at Brad

Garrett's reading. Can I put you on hold?

And what's your name?Nicole. Nicole. All

right, Nicole. But please hurry up. Yes,

yes, for sure.

Hello. Hi. You said that

you left your child here. We're having

trouble. We didn't see any child in the

store. Well, he's in a stroller. He's

in a stroller. Yeah.

And do you have a phone?Do you have a

phone number in case we get disconnected?

Yeah. Hold on. By the way, I was

there and Brad Garrett was doing a book

reading. Yes. YesOh, my God.

He is so hilarious.

Do you know if Brad Garrett's coming back?

Oh, not that I speak. He was doing his

act outs of who's that singer?Oh,

Louis Armstrong. It was so funny.

I was dying. He was doing

Bill Cosby. Yeah. Oh

my. I mean, probably now, after me too,

he probably can't do that.

Probably not. He's like, so much better

looking in person, too. So do you. Were

you anywhere else in the complex today?

You said you were. Oh, wait, hold on.

Will you?How about when

Brad's like Raymond?

Were you anywhere else in the complex?

Could you put me in touch with Brad

Garrett?No,

I'm afraid you don't. I'm a major fan.

Like, such a fan. I see.

Where do you think he buys his pants?He's

so tall. That's

a good question, Nicole. I just need a

little bit more info from you because

we didn't find any stroller in the in the

store. Maybe he climbed out of it.

He's doing the army crawl. Well, if you

want to come down and we can, we can all

look together. Yeah, that's probably the

best idea. Yeah. Why don't you come down?

I mean, it's honestly not that big of a

deal, but I am. I am

actually president of the Brad Garrett

Fan Club, so. Wow. Raymond.

It would be great if you may just want

to come down and then so when we find

your baby, we can, you know, he'll have

you right there. OK. But no cops.

That's fine. I don't. I don't have any

interest in calling the cops. Oh, wait.

I'm sorry. Cancel that. Never mind. I

just found him. Thank you for your help,

though. OK. How's my little Raymond?

Raymond. Thanks for your

help.

How may I help you?Hey, how you doing

today?Sorry, who is this?My name is

Landel. It's true. Fair. What's your name

is?I'm sorry, this is an office phone.

Can I help you?Guess what?It's your lucky

day. I'm an author, retired

semi-pro football player downriver area.

Have you ever heard of the tri-state

Hurricanes?No. I

would like to set up an in

store book signing. I'm going to be in

the area. I know you probably heard of my

book. It's been released several times.

It's second printing. It's called My

Truth Told in Lies. All about my

former football career. Do y'all do that?

Yeah, we definitely do. Yeah. Well, my

thing is a little different. I come with

a DJ and I got a couple girls that like

to, you know, yeah, it's an interactive

thing. Why don't I grab your name and

phone number and I'll pass it on to my

boss who does the setting up of that

stuff. OK. My first name is Lan Dalius.

Land like land. L-A-N-D. Dalius.

E-L-L-I-U-S.

Trufel. T-R-U.

TFFELL and your

phone number. My phone number. Before I

give you my phone number, I just want to

give you a little taste of what I

do at my signing. It's kind of

interactive. I always like to come off

with a with a little rap. You know, it's

like hooked on books. So I would do

something like I'm

hooked on the books.

Look at me hooked on some m*therf*cking

books. See what I'm

saying?So I'm giving you teaching methods

and also entertainment. And that's

before I even do my real book

readings. So my only issue is that

so I'm not one of the people who sets

stuff up and we don't have call waiting,

so we're not supposed to be on the phone

for very long. So if you've

got a phone number, I can get pass that

on. My phone number is





two numbers, I just want to tell you

something. I'm sorry. Yes, ma'am. I

really do need to get off the phone,

though. Can't you see I'm reading these

books today?Getting all up

in my brain stem. Knowledge won't never

go away. Hello.

Thank you for calling Three Brothers. How

can I help you today?Hey, I got some bad

news. Uh, I'm over at

Proud Pie. This is Eddie. I'm here with

my cooked pepper. Howdy! And

we done got robbed. Of all our pies.

Oh, and every one of them. Yeah. So I

just want to give you a heads up. There's

somebody out there taking pies. Oh,

OK. Well, thank you very much for calling

us and letting us know. Which ones did

they get, Pepper?They took the banana

meringue. Oh, did you hear that?They took

our banana meringue. They took the banana

whipped cream. Oh, did you hear that?They

took the banana whipped cream. They got

the black bottom. They got the black

bottom. All of them. We had three.

We had two. I ate the first.

Anyways, just be careful. Blackberry

Bart's on his way. And he's a coming

for your custards. He's a coming for your

key lime chiffon. Oh, dang it. He's a

coming. You see him out the door?No,

we're good over here. We may need to buy

some pies, actually, to get stock

back up. Just run us through a list of

pies. Yeah, give us your best three pies.

We'll take 20 of each. Top three. Number

one, key lime pie.

We used to have the best key lime

pie. What else?Probably our

pecan pie and then our chocolate pecan.

Oh, he took that one. He

took that one. I put it right in a

satchel. I said you're gonna ruin that

thing in your satchel. He said, I don't

care. I'm Blackberry Bart. And we said,

you know what?This is the worst day of

our lives. And then we got right on the

phone with you and he rode off into the

sunset right towards your store. So be

careful with our pies. All right, you all

have a nice day. Have a very blessed day

and look out. Cause he's a coming. Oh,

he's a coming. Oh, hide your custard.

Lock him up. Hide him all. He's a coming.

Oh, you're gonna go. He's

coming. You might want to hang up the

phone at some point cause we can't do

this a whole lot longer.

Yeah, I'm surprised it lasted this long.

All right. You have a nice day. OK. Thank

you so much. Yeah. Thanks. Good to talk

to you. All right. Bye.

Hi. Yeah, you sound very busy there, so

I'll get right to the point. My name is

John T Duncan. I'm a crustacean

conservationist with the Pacific.

Conservation Society, I am calling you

because we have actually a quite a

movement that's happening here. OK, we're

right in the middle of an extremely busy

lunch. We have people waiting. No, I

know, but this is an important situation.

We got to deal with it now. Do you have

just a moment?Do you want to make a

reservation or you just. I do want to

make a reservation, but it's a

reservation I want to make with you, if

you know what I mean. I want to we need

to be in this together. What we're trying

to do is save these lobsters lives here.

OK, well, you'll have to call back and

speak to the manager. OK?This is a lot to

the restaurant. But this can't wait. I'm

afraid it can't wait. I'm afraid it can't

wait. Yeah, it can. Bye. Bye. No, but

this is going to.

Good afternoon. So my name is Sandy

Duncan. I think you just talked to my

husband, John T. OK, so what

we're trying to do is we're trying to

save the lives of these lobsters and we

will pay whatever people are paying to

actually eat them for food. But what

we're trying to do is do a a concerted

catch and release tonight. I think

you want to call I and I will be calling

them as well because what do you look,

would you rather be Jeffrey Dahmer or

Abraham Lincoln?We're we're a lobster

seafood restaurant. OK, I'm a

customer. I want to be a customer. I want

to pay a lot of money to get these

lobsters. Yeah, I can't.

Bye. Good

afternoon. Hi. Yeah, this is Drew

over at. And I've been getting these

calls from these, these people who are

trying to get a hold of lobsters. And

have you been getting these same calls?

Oh, yes, we have. And I told them that to

call you guys. Oh, you sent them on us.

Did you hear what they're doing there?

What are they doing?They're going to pay

$100 for a lobster. Oh, well, good for

you guys. Do you have any you can throw

back our way?Are you kidding?We sell them

like crazy. No, I know. People love to

eat them. I eat them like crazy. I eat

several a day. I eat a couple a day. I

love to eat them, but these guys are

paying me good money for them. So I'm

like, trying to see how many I can get.

We're not going to. We're not giving any

of them. Oh, you don't like money?If

you're Drew at , I don't really know a

Drew over there. Well, I mean, if you

don't want to do this, that's fine. OK,

whatever. We're good. Well, but but

you're not good.

Good afternoon. Hi. Yeah, I'm just

looking for my mother. She's a lobster.

I'm a lobster as well. Can you stop

calling us?We're very busy. But

seriously, let's figure out how to get

these lobsters free. No, we're not going

to be lobster free. We sell several

hundreds of them a week. We make a lot of

money on them. They're very tasty and

well, that's why you got to have some

that that procreate and keep the

population going. You're crazy. Crazy

about you. Bye.

This is Alana. Hello. With

whom am I speaking?Um,

Alana. Alana, this is Niles Standish.

I have lice.

Mm-hmmAlana, I'm wondering if you could

help me. Sure. I inherited

a small orangutan in her preteen years,

and I need to curb her diet, so

I'm going to need to remove some of my

lice. How do lice work?

Lice work by passing one to another

for the entirety of

humankind. Once you have a pregnant

female, she is pregnant for the rest of

her life and can lay fertile eggs and

make new life. Oh, are you an ape

enthusiast like I am?I mean, I have

many times wished I could bring an ape.

Into the office to pick through people's

hair just because it would be fun. Well,

if you're hiring, Sharon would be

wonderful. She's good at small scale lice

removal and you don't have to pay her.

She eats what she removes. It's a

win-win. I've had Sharon since she was a

babe. I brutally m*rder*d her mother on a

gaming expedition in the Congo, unaware

she had an adorable little baby. What

luck. OK, we have a whole circle. What

we do is Sharon eats my lice. My

brother Giles picks the lice off Sharon.

Then I eat Giles lice. Who's Giles?

Giles, my twin brother. Oh, I

want to talk to her. Nope, Giles. Back in

the box. Not this call. So

tell me more about that permanently

pregnant lice female. The female lice.

She comes onto your hair and she'll just

lay eggs all day, every day until she

dies. And then they'll hatch and mate

and lay eggs on your hair. All day until

they die. It sounds like my Aunt Bernice.

She popped them out like an Appalachian

meth mom. Alana, I don't

want to eradicate these lice, but they're

completely out of control now. Completely

out of control. Yes, that is what they

do. So is there somewhere?Is this a

number that I can?Alana, hold on a

moment. Giles and Sharon are at it again.

Giles, do not ride Sharon. I'm sorry.

Sharon, do not ride Giles. One of the

lice has grown so large it's trying to

eat Sharon. All right. Get it, Giles.

Giles is riding the giant lice. Get down

from there. What are you?Oh, hold on. I'm

jumping on. All right. The three of us

are riding off on the giant lice. Alana.

Lice talking to you. Nice talking to you.

Toot us, love.

Hello. Good afternoon. This is DNA

Testing Center. How may I help you?Hi,

what's your name?My name is. And your

name?Wesley.

Wesley. How are you, Wesley?I need a

test about my father. And how can I help

you?I want him to not be my father.

He's an idiot. It takes him five

hours to go to the bathroom. And after

that five hours, you have to wait six

hours because it smells so bad. All

right, Leslie. Can't stand it.

Unfortunately, he might have the wrong

kind of company. I want to prove he's not

my dad. Dad, get out of the bathroom.

There's no way I'm related to him. My

farts will smell nearly as bad. Well, you

would need someone to order the DNA test,

Leslie. I'm going to throw up if I have

to smell them all day long. OK?Now I'm

stuck with the worst dad ever. Come on.

All right, Leslie. He thinks he's super

funny, but he's really an idiot. Uh,

there's nothing that we can do in regards

to that, Wesley. You want to be my dad?

I... Get out

of there! Oh, my

God. He just came out of the bathroom.

I'm going to throw up. How old are you,

Wesley?Oh, no. He's dancing in his

underwear. Dad, stop. OK. I have

to go, Wesley. Thanks for nothing, you

weirdo. Thank you very much. Get out!