05x05 - Sarah Silverman, Tiffany Haddish & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the

cell, and the world's gone to hell. But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up from New York to

Alabama. the

slam because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Good evening. Thank you for calling the .

This is Tonya. How can I be of service?I

was looking online, and I saw that your

hotel might be haunted. Is that true?

So they say we're haunted supposedly

because of our third and 4th floor.

During the Civil w*r, they were

hospitals. Oh, shitSo it's

men up in there. Yeah,

that's what they say. Girl, book

me a room on the floor where the most

of them died. All right.

What's some of the stories that you've

heard from your hotel?So they said

there's a soldier missing the arm,

walking around on the 4th floor. Then

they said that there's a ghost cat on the



left New Orleans. OK, girl, the ghost

stick there. Whack. Yes. So because yeah,

because in New Orleans you would have had

Confederate troops. So here at least you

got the you the. The union one. I'm gonna

tell you right now, though. Ain't nothing

like some ghost DickLike, First off, you

can't get no STDs from it. Oh, wow. But

they are hard to ride. I'm not gonna lie

to you. But once you go dead, you never

leave a bed. Is that what your experience

was in New Orleans?I probably should let

myself be musty. Cause that'll probably

attract them more. I if it works for you,

you let me know. Well then I might have

to go ahead and suck some ghost d*ck

What if I get pregnant by a ghost girl?Me

and my little ghost baby. I'm ovulating

that week. That's all I'm saying. You

know, a few weeks ago I was in LA. And I

had a I hooked up with Tupac. Don't tell

nobody. Oh, well, that's definitely a

ghost. Like, it was me and Tupac, right?

Then B showed up and I was like, Nope,

that's too much for me. They were in the

same room. Yes, girl. They friends.

OK. They thought they was going to run a

train on me, but I wasn't having it. Oh,

gosh. OK. Hotel. I got to tell you the

truth. I'm actually a ghost. I'm. I'm

here in the hotel. I can't get out. Are

you calling from a room?And just so you

know, I am that cat. You

could be nice sometimes and pet me. You

knowYou ever f*ck a ghost cat?No, ma'am.

I have not. Well, I'm going

to have to let you go. You feel something

on your leg right now?That's

me. OK. You have a a

wonderful day, OK?I'm your new spirit

animal. Thank you. It's so good.

Goodbye.

Hello. Is this?Yes, I

am from anonymous. Have you

ever heard of Anonymous?No.

We reveal the CD underbelly of

society. We're pretty famous

and I love frozen yogurt. OK,

I will be in your store later today. I

will be purchasing yogurt

and I will not be paying for the

toppings. If you charge me for the

toppings, I will leak the

ingredients of your yogurt on the dark

web. I I and by the way.

It will just be a moderate amount of

toppings. I'm not going to get an obscene

amount of toppings that would hide the

flavor of the yogurt. Do you have any

non-fat yogurt?

No, I don't believe we do.

Then I will get a large yogurt swirled

to the top, and I'll pay for it at

the weight of the yogurt without the

toppings. Well, you will have to pay for

the full yogurt. You can post whatever on

the Internet that you want, I guess. I

will pay for the yogurt. Do not confuse

what I'm saying. I mean the toppings too.

I will pay for the yogurt. I will not pay

for the toppings. I am not

afraid to leak how you make it.

We don't even make our own yogurt. You

don't even make your own yogurt.

I knew it. Send me a discount card. 15%

off, 10% off. Do you have anything?

We have a rewards program. Oh, what is

the rewards program?It's your phone

number. You get a $5 off for every $50

you spend. My phone number is 480644.

No, no, I can't tell you my phone number.

Sorry. How about this?

What is your name?I don't feel

comfortable answering that right now.

What's your name?Sean Collins. I

mean anonymous. Anonymous is my name.

OK, forget that. Sorry. It's anonymous.

Can I get anything else for you?When I

come in there, and I will come in there,

I will pay for everything. But I want

a 5% discount. Are you

on the phone?Sean, get on the phone.

Isn't that a weird voice thing you've

been doing?No, Mom, I'm. I'm anonymous.

I'm Legion. He has been calling and

leaving random messages, so I

definitely suggest you stop him from

doing this. I'm sorry. Sean, I'm so. I'm

so sorry. I'm so sorry.

She's a liar. She's a part of big ice

cream, Mom. She's a part of big ice

cream. She's been on it. Sean, let me

handle this. She's pretty liar.

This is Tom. Hello, Tom.

This is Martin Winter. The Martin Winter.

Yes, it is me. Yeah, listen, I'm calling

because I need, I need some threads. I'm

going on a little tour this summer with

my hypnotic show and I would like

to look good. I'm looking for a suit, a

three piece full suit. Well, the only

thing about it is, Mr. Winter, I really

need to measure you to to see. Are

you in town or?Well, I

don't think you need to measure me. I

think that if I give you the

measurements, you shall have the proper

information. Well, if you give me the

right measurements, what what are they?

Instead of a large, I need to know like



sizes?All right. Are you ready?

Are you ready?Yes. Yes, Sir. All right.

close your eyes, please.





Yes. And do you feel sleepy?

What are you talking about?Exactly.

All right. And what would something like

that run me?Probably around



No, $1995. I

am so sorry. Yeah.

Repeat after me,



Mr. Warner, can I help you?Tom, when I

say my measurements, you'll become more

focused this time, more peaceful state of

mind, more willing to come down to my

price point. Well, now

what is the price?

$1995. All right, breathe deeply and say

that again slowly. I'm

really your eyelids are getting getting

very heavy, Tom.

Do not look away. Do not say anything.

Keep your mind on my words. The price is

dropping. No, it's not dropping down. All

right, say it again, Tom, but this time

save $500.00. No,

Thomas, you hold the phone close to your

ear. You feel completely focused on my

words and the prices are dropping.

So again, Tom, the 46 long is

$1995, probably in a

vested suit. Tom, let's go back

to a time in your life that was peaceful

and easy, and money meant nothing. Mr.

Winner, really, can we get serious

about what you want?What?I'm going to

read you my sizes, and as I'm reading my

sizes, you will become deeper and

deeper in a focused mood,

concentrating only on my numbers

and a better price. 46

long, 37 by 12.

Preferably elastic waistline because I

fluctuate. Mr. Winner, I don't have time

to do this, OK?I'm a very busy man

right now. When I snap my fingers, you

will give me 40% off.

Hello, this is Kendra. How can I help you?

Hi, Hadassah Guberman. I want to make an

appointment for a massage. What are you

looking for?Oh, oh, oh, oh. This

is where it gets a little weird for me. I

love massages. I love everything about

spas and massages, but I cannot

be touched. I love

the robes. I love the music. I love the

ambience. I love the cucumber water. I

love. Bragging about it on social media,

but the idea of a stranger touching my

perfect body, it just it physically makes

me gag. All right, I don't kind of. I

don't. We don't really offer that. I

don't know what that looks like. So what

about like a, you know, there is a way

around it. Like you do the massage, but

it's more like 3 inches over my body. A

ghost massage, a ghost rub, right?

If someone touches my skin, I'm just

like. You know, you know, I'm.

I'm going to just defer and send you to

somewhere else, cause I don't think we

can give you what you need here. Let me

tell you something. My dating life is a

mess and I'm lonely a lot.

I'm sorry. That sucks. Yeah. I mean,

listen, I could try the touching

massage you do and then maybe just have

a safe word. Like my safe word would

probably be something like don't touch

me. You need to go somewhere where they

can just where you can just sit

in a steam room. And

is there any way they can do the massage

with their back to me?They would probably

need to have arms like mine.

My arms can go all the way to the back.

See. Oh, you can't see. Yeah, I don't

think we're going to be able to help you.

I'm sorry. I have so many knots,

but I don't have many cans

and that's what I'm getting from you,

Candra. I'm getting can't draw.

What does that mean?What if you give me a

no touch massage?Like, I feel like you

know what I want. We've had this long

conversation. You get me more than

probably anyone in the world, including

my ex-husband. Well, I I'm not a licensed

massage therapist. I'm a spa director. So

perfect. That's what I want slash don't

want. So it's I feel like we are

a match made in heaven, heaven, as they

say in French. I'm going to need to get

off the phone now because I have to get

back to work. No, me too. I'm really

busy. All right, me too.

So it was nice talking to you and good

luck on finding something. Kendra, guess

what?The joke's on you. You just gave

me a hands free massage. So

there you go. All

right. Take care. A booyah. Bye. Bye.

Bike Shop. This is Ethan. Oh, sorry. I

butt dialed you. Oh, that

happens to me all the time. Does that

happen?Does that happen to you a lot?

Yeah. Oh, man, I can't believe I butt

dialed again. Where?Who am I talking to?

This is Ethan at Bike Shop. Oh, I love

bikes. I sit on them all the time.

That's awesome. Yeah. Oh man, I feel

like. I feel like a a real butt

Oh, it's all right. It happened. I'm. I'm

a buttThat's OK. Do you have

any good deals on bikes?

We have some some mark down just to

end of the year stuff. Do you sell just

bike seats?Yeah. Oh, that's nice

cause I'm a big old butt

I get it. I don't. People don't like to

admit that, but. There's nothing

wrong with it. I am who I am. A

buttI have big red cheeks

and I make doo-doo.

I just feel. I feel like we're butt

buddies at this point. I guess

so. I like you. I like you a lot.

Thanks. Yeah. I appreciate you talking to

me. I didn't mean to call you, but now

that I did, it feels like fate. OK.

Are you are you stoned?No, I'm

kind of stoned. Sounds like it.

Did you have any questions for me?No, I

definitely do not. Uh,

can I just run something by you?

Sure. Knock, knock. Who-- you say, who's

there?Nope. Butt

Get it?

Lumber, this is. How can I help you today?

I'm just calling to ask about doing a

ritual on the lumberyard, but I'm also

interested in building a breakfast nook

for my house and I was wondering if that

was something you could help me with too.

So what is it that you need to know then?

I do believe that I have to bless the

wood that I believe that you you have all

m*rder*d before I build the breakfast

nook in my kitchen. But the bottom line

is I want to buy a bunch of wood. Mm-hmm

And I just need to know in what way

these pieces were m*rder*d.

I would have to find that out. Usually is

that they are down by loggers. I mean,

I mean, that's all, that's all, that's

all that I know is that, you know, they

take a chainsaw, you know, and they, oh,

the screams of the forest haunt you at

night. I don't do

that. I'm just a

cashier. Oh, don't tell me you've never

held a saw before. I have not.

OK, my sisters and I are gathering. We're

going to be traveling to the lumberyard

soon to pick out our m*rder*d

sisters. OK. But you should know that our

robes are translucent. You will be able

to see everything. We're very high

seams. So you will have to tell the

lumberyard guys not to stare at us.

I have no control over anybody else's

what they do or see or whatever. And you

would have to come through our manager at

the time. For permission to

do that. So how much does each m*rder*d

soul cost per foot?It depends on the

size and the length. You should

know that all sisters are all sisters are

bound. OK, but I have. I have other

customers, so I am not afraid of

anything. So well, your other customers

probably couldn't give you the power

to seek revenge on your enemies.

OK. Well, it's been nice talking to

you. And like I said, before you do any

kind of blessing or anything, you'll have

to speak to your manager. Oh no, we will

be doing a blessing tonight. We will be

showing up in our robes. We will be

completely naked underneath, covered in

blood, fur, hair. We will

be locating as many bones as we can on

the property. We will be using charcoal

to burn them, and we will be saving the

souls of our m*rder*d sisters that you

have so carelessly sawed

down bone of my bones.

My flesh. Pray for my m*rder*d sisters

and guide me to the perfect tile for my

backsplash. You have a really great day.

I'm also interested in a pizza oven

for my oven.

Hello. Who's this?This is Ty. I'm calling

about the the Fortnite coaching. OK,

well, mainly mostly I'm looking for

someone from my son. My son is the is the

real Fortnite player. I'm trying to get

him to up on another level. Right now,

you know, he's pretty good. All right.

How old is he, if you don't mind?He's 13.

OK. He's got a bunch of wins under his

belt. He's every other day looks like

he's winning another game. But I started

to see how much money you could make in

the Fortnite community. And he started to

see that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeahAnd he was

like, oh, I just want to focus on this.

Yeah, that's lovely. That sounds cool.

Because that's what I want. I want him to

make that Fortnite money help me retire,

you know, because it used to be like,

hey, go in the NBA, be a lawyer, be a

doctor. And my son, I looked at him. I

said, hey, f*ck your paper route. Let's

get into this Fortnite game. I

could, I could do that. I could work with

that. But yeah, I just wanna make sure

you would be committed, you know, make

sure if if he's hungry, you got feed him

a little bit, you know, maybe give him a

bath, you know, just yo man.

You said a bath, man. No, no, no, no,

noDon't make it like that. Nothing like

that. I'm not bugging out, man. I'm just

letting you know that. Oh, yeah. No, no,

noI'm not trying to put in no position. I

don't want you to. I don't want you in

there just rubbing up on my son. I just

want to make sure that you, you know,

everything's taken care of. That he's

brushing his teeth. Copy, copy, copy. And

do whatever you got to do. Keep him up.

Fill him full of energy drinks. I've

always found out that if he if he's

whining, you give him just a little shot

of alcohol. You said

alcohol?That's just a little bit. Nah,

I think that's it, bro. Nah. Not with

that. All right. Don't be an as*h*le

about it. Nah, man. Nah. I'm

just surprised, I guess. Oh, I get it.

Sometimes opportunity just jumps in your

lap and you don't know. It's a little bit

shocking. Hey. But it's time. We've got a

new family. Me, my son, Daddy

#2. That's just going to be you. You're

going to teach. You're just going to jump

in their life. We'll go fishing together.

Yeah, teaches both. I don't know how to

ride a bike, so it'll be helpful for both

of us. I want you to know that he is

turning 14 and I'm going to need you to

have that sex talk with him.

You answer some questions I've been

avoiding. You feel me?

I said we're going to be at the Fortnite

Grand Championships, just reminiscing

about the days you taught my son about

sex. We're going to be high fiving,

kissing. Oh, let's go. Say that

one more time. 'Cause I can't wait to be

at the Fortnite Grand Championships

Reminiscing about the time you taught my

son about sex Hey.

I can't wait.

Look at that.