05x04 - Jimmy Kimmel, Tracy Morgan & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

well when they pick up

From New York to Alabama

They'll probably won't throw our a*s in

the slam Because we're disturbing others

Baby, even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

I'm Brown Joanie, how can I help you?Hi.

We're having a going away party for one

of our friends. She's going to be a

surrogate and it's like the theme is like

a going away party for her body cause you

know she can't use it for like 9 months

and we want you get it. So we wanted to

go like get crazy. Absolutely. Cause

we're going to like we get crazy like

River Phoenix Viper room type shitYou

know what I'm talking about. That's fine.

That's this is perfect for you then down

here down there. Did you like drink

specials?Cause this is like grab your

ankle, say a prayer like we're ready to

go in. We have drink specials every day.

I'm not making no promises or nothing,

but like one of us is going to die, but

like in a fun way. So

the only thing is, is Saturday night here

is Latin night and I don't think you want

to be here with that. You bring up a

great point cause Bridget gets super

r*cist. Oh then no, no, no, noThen that's

not a good idea. Are there any flat

surfaces in the bathroom?Whoa, whoa.

You're not supposed to be telling me

this. I don't want

to know any of this. All right, so that's

a yes. What's your policy if someone's

hot stops?We give percentage if they

get a discount. If their hot stops

beating, that's f*cking metal. Oh, no,

no, no, noIf you die. Hold on, Jeanette.

If you die at this bar, you get a

percentage in the door. No, no, no, noI

thought you meant if they get a discount,

they get a discount off their stuff. I'm

going to take my ankle monitor off of

this, so be prepared. Like t*ts out, suns

out, funds out. And

you guys got bouncers because my ladies

aren't afraid. I mean, we will f*ck sh*t

up. Like I got knuckle scars. I got scars

in places no one should be punching. No,

we have plenty of bouncers and they're

big. Sick, sick. All right. You ever been

in prison because I'm getting like a like

a tough girl vibe. Maybe after tonight,

right after we come through. All

right. Just come in and ask for Joanie.

I'm going to demand Joanie. How's that?

OK. OKI'm coming and waving a sword.

Where's Joanie with the cocaine?Oh,

my God. Bye, Joanie. I'll see you

Sunday. We're going to prison together.

Goodbye.

This is the North Small Management

office. Hey, how you doing today?

I'm great. And you?I am fabulous.

Now I can tell from the tone in your

voice. That you know who I am,

and I am that Landelius Trufil,

retired semi-pro football player from

Northeastern downriver.

Yes, ma'am. Something I can do for you in

regards to one of George from the mall's

management office?Absolutely. I would

like to set up an in mall

performance if that's possible.

OK, what you need to do. I'm going to

give you the e-mail address. All right.

I'm ready when you are. OK. Her name is

Christina. KRI. Christina. Got it. Dina.

KR. No. I'm going to spell it

for you. Yes, ma'am. I'm going to say it

and then I'm going to spell it.

Christina. Regina.

No. Here, let me spell it for you and

then you can pronounce it correctly. Okie

doke. K-R-I-S. Got it. E-I-N-A. Regina.

Let me spell that back. Regina.

Nosa. Wait a

second. I'm

sorry. K as in.

Cat. Cat. Yeah, well. Christian.

K as in King. Oh, I like that.

K as in King, R as in Moco, I as in

I, S as in Sam, E as in Thomas,

I as in I, N as in November, A as

in Apple, Christina. All

right, let me read this back to you.

Okay. Regina.freer.e@jemima,

okeydokeyfine.com,

is that?No, it's

Christina@gmail.com.

Thank you so much. You've been so

helpful. Now, before I let you go, I just

want to let you know what I'm trying to

do as a retired

football player. Guess what?I

changed my career. It makes no

difference what you tell me about what

you're going to do. You have to talk to

Katrina about. You said Katrina. Yeah,

you got me going now. That's funny.

Usually that will make the determination

that I've. Well, thank you. Thank you so

much. And from here on on, I call you

Miss Sunshine. Bye . I'll see you later.

Hello?Is this the party

store?Yes. I'm, uh,

looking for some balloons. OK, my

brother Charlie used to bring me balloons

when we was boys.

Beautiful round balloons. And he would

tie a balloon to my wrist and he'd say,

Elmo, you're my favorite brother.

He passed away. He choked on a

balloon. OK, how many do I

need?It depends on how much

room you have in your car. And we just do

it by. I saw a movie with this.

And the gentleman went up.

The movie's called UP. OK,

So what color balloons do you need or

want?Well, what do you think I need?

We don't pick out your balloons

ourself. You actually tell us

exactly what colors. What colors do you

have over there?We have a

whole variety of greens, reds, blue.

What color was the first one?Um, how

about you go to our website and fill out

our form?I don't have that kind of

technology. Do you have a way to come

here?I could get my grandson to drive me

over there. Then you could do that and

then you could pick out your colors. Let

me put him on the phone. Hold on a

second. Carrots. Carrots.

This lady, talk to her about the

balloons. Hi.

Oh, you're OK. I know what's going on

here. You're speaking to my grandfather.

Yeah. He sorry. Yeah. I showed

him the movie up. Yeah.

And he now wants to.

He wants his. He wants to his house to

fly away. Yeah,

he's old. He doesn't understand. He

doesn't. I tried to explain animation to

him and he threw up and it's just

crazy. So can I just put him on the phone

and you just set it all up for him and

and whatnot?Well, if you can,

if you can bring him to hold on, let me

get him here. Hold on. Grandpa. She's

going to do it. She's going to set it all

up. So. Hello. What?

I said she's going to set it all up.

Hello. Is this the lady with the

balloons?Yes, but I suggest you come to

the store. I'm throwing a party with

balloons and I need a lot of them. I

understand. And tied to my house because

I'm ready to go because I want to see

my brother. He lives in the sky

now. He choked and he made a BM

and we miss him. Always making BM's.

We miss you, Charlie. And I hope to see

you soon. Charlie, remember when you

used to pee from our bunk bed?

Always dripping on me. Smelly

Charlie, we called him. Always

making BM's.

When we laid Charlie to rest,

we put a BM in the box with him

as we said goodbye.

Charlie.

Yeah. Hello. Is this the

taxidermy shop?Yeah. Is

this Chuck?Yes. What do you

want?Wonderful, Chuck. This is Niles

Standish calling. Chuck, I'm going to

k*ll a bear. Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, if you want to, go ahead. What

sorts of carcasses are you elbows deep in

today?Well, I just got through

mounting and putting together a deer

head. Yes, I'd like to mount a deer head.

Do you have any other animals mounted?

Well, I do. I have a jock, an otter, a

wolf, a cub, a chub, a bull, a bro

staff, a hipster, a logger, a Pittsburgh

Penguin, a twink a twunk, a furry, a

Bernie bro, a proud boy, a

gym rat, and a bicurious task rabbit.

You travel all over the world. They come

to me. I

love to k*ll, Chuck. I love to

k*ll. After I k*ll said bear,

I want you, Chuck, to stuff it.

You want a life-size or you want a rug or

what?What if it were laying down in its

belly with its hands on its chin and its

legs in the air?Do what?I was thinking

we could have him standing upright, teeth

bared, and holding one of those damnable

Ken Follett novels he's always on about.

Where are you going?You going to Alaska?

Well, I it'll be local. It'll be

more local. This bear. This bear's a bit

of a problem for me for a while. Is it

ethical to bait a bear?Because I told him

I would invest in his smoothie shop and

there's no way that's happening. Only

advice that I can really give you is I

would get a hold of fish and game and

find out what the rules and regulations

are and the permits and the

tags and all the other stuff that you

have to have. Oh, oh, oh, you have me

wrong, Chuck. You have me. Chuck, Chuck.

I need to cut you off there. I'm a

poacher. I want to poach it. I won't do

the bear. If you're a poacher, I won't

touch the bear. Oh, all right, all right

I'm not a poacher. Wink, wink. Are you

all right?Well, I'd like to think so.

Personally, I think I would like to meet

you face to face. And sit down and

have a nice talk with you. Oh, I would

love that, Chuck. How about we plan a

hunting trip together?No, I don't hunt

anymore. I can't walk. I don't have any

toes. Oh, Chuck, when your

piggies went to the market, they stayed

there. How about I

set you up with some sort of baby Bjorn

thing in front of me and you can do the

sh**ting and I'll do the carrying. I

would love to meet you face to face and

sit down and have a one-on-one. I'll show

you what I've done in the past because I

have pictures. I would love it if you

could show me some carcass pictures. Why?

Why don't you do this?Why don't you get

the bear and then call me?Oh, to hell

with it. I'm going to take him down right

now. Hold on. Hold on one moment.

Steady. Steady. He's getting out

of his Nissan Sentra now.

Steady. Are you

OK?Bingo. Oh, look at that.

I think I got him in the toes. Chuck, I

am on my way. And I'm bringing my dead

neighbor. Why don't you come?What?

Oopsie. Don't be k*lling no

neighbors. Looks like I'm going to have

to call some cleaner or something.

All right. You are fresh ground, Chuck.

You're not too bad yourself. I'll talk at

you later, though. All right. Toodles,

love. Talk at you later. Bye. Love you.

This is Jenny. How can I help you?How you

look, Jenny. My name is Spooney Love from

up above. I'm just wanting to

call and inquire about your facilities. I

mean your staff. Do you have like cool

people on your staff?

Yes, we have cool people that can keep

secrets and stuff like that. I'm

not really sure. Well, do you have any

do disturb signs?We do not

have signs that say do disturb. So how do

I, how am I supposed to let the mage know

to come in?You would remove your do not

disturb sign and then you could let us

know and we can schedule a time if that's

easier. This is the baby boom weekend and

that's the thing, you know, we role play

all the time. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but you know what I'm trying to do.

You know, I'm smoothy love. I'm trying to

keep it hot and together, you know?We

role play. We role play. You know, last

week she was a character. She said, Mr.,

do you want to buy some butter crunch

cookies?And I said, yeah, come on in

here, I'm gonna buy a couple of boxes

from you. And then then we had sex like

animals. Then we said, then we ate the

cookies. OK, Are you?I can't keep cooking

for you because I was too racy. No, I'm

not trying to be racy. We just want to

come and use your hotel. OK, well, let me

see. We just want to make some babies.

All right, let me see what we got. What

is your e-mail?OK, Spoony

Love AKA Caligula

at flaccidmandingo.com

Gmail. No, no gmail.com. Sorry.

You guys are going to have a good time.

Petey the Pitbull won't hurt nobody. I'll

have him on a leash. Y'all sit there. All

right, so we just have a couple. If you

guys want to get involved, you're

morning. Welcome.

No, I'm a black man. I'm dark. I'm a

black dark man. OK, listen, I think that

you're really funny, but ultimately I

can't keep having this conversation with

you. What kind of toes you got?

Your toes look like Skittles. OK, well,

I'm going to let you go. Would you have

my baby?Oh, my God. All right, I'm going

to send you an e-mail with all of your

options. But I really got to go because

there's a like a line of people here that

want to talk to me. So what are we going

to name the baby?What you want to name

the baby?

Tracy. Wow.

Bye. We've

been had, fellas. We've been made. Thank

you for calling. This is Emily. How can I

help you?Hi, Emily. My name is

Brad, and I am doing a little birthday

shopping for my father.

If you don't mind, I'm patching in my

twin brother, Mork.

Hi, it's Mork and we're just looking for

a little gift for Daddy. I have some

ideas. My brother has some

ideas and we wanted to pitch you some of

these and see if we can get your opinion

so we can get a wonderful gift for Daddy.

Problem is, last year we did go the Dutch

bakery and he hated it. It wasn't this

Dutch bakery in particular. OK, but

maybe Mork can speak to the particulars.

Yeah, we worked very hard on that Dutch

cake for Daddy. And he he

threw it. And I don't think he was aiming

for Mork, but I did get a lot of that

mocha right in my on my eyes. Oh no.

You know, Daddy loves meat pies and I'm

wondering if you could do some kind of

meat themed concoction without

mocha. Yeah, I think. I think what what

Mork's circling around is almost like a

wedding cake, but inside is nothing but

meat. Like maybe ground beef, ground

lamb. He loves, he loves venison.

But from the outskirts, from the

outskirts, if you're just coming in the

door, you go, oh, sweet cake, great. Then

you cut in and hot meat trickles

down and the fat from the meat

percolates through the tips. I wonder if

we can get a meat cake so big that more

could get inside and I could

be in there for a couple hours. Maybe we

can use straw for breathing and right

before daddy comes in, you pull out the

breathing straw. And I leap out of the

meat cake and it's molten hot with

jalapeno spice. What's the price on that?

Oh, well, we don't really have any meat

cake, and I don't think we can make our

cake big enough to have a person pop out

of it. So, well, you haven't. We haven't

told you how big Mork is. Yeah,

it's not something we laugh about. Mork

is under 2 feet tall.

I I mean, I don't appreciate being

laughed at. I'm calling to to get my

daddy a cake. And it's it's not, it's

not that bad that I'm that small, but I

also have one glass eye. Do you know just

like what kind of design or like flavors

you would be looking for?We love Shrek.

Shrek. We could Shrek the sh*t out of

that cake. We put shitload of Shrek all

over it. Green bullshit on there. Maybe a

big Shrek. Shrek

winking with donkey next to him and you

can just give us some extra

icing and Mork could get all iced up like

a donkey. And right when Daddy walks in

the room, Mork will raise up on his two

hind hooves and say, Daddy, are you

finally proud of me?And I

could pop my eye.

Sorry about that. Mork's eye fell out and

we're running after it. I got it. He

common. Hold on. I'm sorry. Can you help

me?OK, it's in. Well,

we don't have a right to doing any

specific characters, so we would have to.

Yeah, we would have to. We got to get

Daddy a cake. It's his 40th and we just

want it to be a special day for him. You

know, he only has so many more years

left. I'm sorry, gentlemen. I I

don't really have a lot of time to design

A cake like this. I do recommend setting

up a consultation with our. K coordinator

and he'd be happy to throw those ideas

around. We'll we'll put Mork in a paper

bag and get get over to you as soon as we

can. OK,

sounds good. How can I help you?Hi,

do you mind if I put my brother Mork on

the phone?We are trying to arrange a

little birthday present for our father

who's celebrating his. 40th birthday next

Saturday. Hi, this is Mork.

As my brother just said, we're looking

for a beautiful gift for Daddy. We had a

really bad experience last year where we

did an edible arrange with with just

fruit and he

got very angry, threw it around the room.

I got a piece of pineapple lodged into my

eye and subsequently I had to get that

eye removed. So now I have one glass eye.

We're wondering if you could do. Some

sort of chicken tenderini arrangement

where you take a bunch of chicken

tenderinis, batter them,

put them on sticks.

You're stupid. Excuse me. Hello.

This is excuse us. We are trying to

get a gift for Daddy, and we don't. If

you would see how large my glass eye is

compared to my my actual eye, you would

not be laughing like that. We don't. Oh,

my God. I'm so sorry for you.

Excuse me, ma'am. Is the manager

there?I am the manager.

You're being very unprofessional.

I need you to calm down, ma'am.

Can you cut?Can you breathe?

You too.

Look at that.