05x01 - Tracy Morgan, Adam Carolla & Aubrey Plaza

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell. But

you're gonna feel swell when they pick

up from New York to Alabama.

They'll probably want to throw our a*s in

the slam because we're preserving others.

Maybe even your mother wants you to join

the Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

Parks and Recreation, this isYeah, my

name is Spooney. Spooney Love. And I have

a dilemma here. I was in one of your

parks. OK. I was making love to my lady

in the daylight in front of everyone. And

there was a certain bird that kept

pooping on us. Oh, let me see.

And it was great love. It was great

lovemaking. I mean, everyone was enjoying

it. I was enjoying it. She was enjoying

it. And so was everyone else until the

bird started pooping on us.

What park are you in?I I don't. I don't

know the the park, the name of the park.

I mean, hey, my eyes were rolling up in

my head. This girl was doing me good and

everyone was enjoying it. The bird was

pooping on the on the on the Snake River.

This is Snake River. She said she just,

she was moaning, but she just says Snake

River. So you need to come out and clean

the bird, the bird, move off the bench.

Yeah, to get this bird. Come on now. Bird

is pooping on me again cause I have a

doggy style right now. Well, just move

over 10 food away from the bird. We we

try to. The bird keeps following us. I'm

trying to get this lady pregnant right

now, but I think the bird is jealous. I'm

not sure. All right, I'll be right out.

Please come out 'cause we still gonna

probably still be having sex by the time

you get here. 'cause I'm I'm long with it

with it. I'm long with it with it. It

shows. OK, we'll be out just a minute.

Excuse me. Excuse me. We'll be out just a

minute. Will you bring like the bird

catchers out here?Yeah, we'll try. Could

you hold on for one second?Hold on for

one second. Hold on for one second.

God damn it.

Yeah. Are you bringing the bird catchers?

Party. Hi, my name is

Bernadette and I was in your

store about a couple days ago

and I threw a birthday party for my



customary suck in helium trick to make

the kids laugh. You know how that goes.

But now my voice is stuck like this and

I don't know what the f*ck to do.

How long ago did you three days

ago?OK,

give me, give me a second. Is it

possible to OD on helium?You must know

you are balloon experts. Has anyone ever

done that?Um, not that we know of.

You don't think I can die from this?It's

not toxic. And by the way, I am an air

traffic controller. So you can imagine

what it sounds like when I'm talking to a

f*cking pilot who needs to land the

g*dd*mn plane safely. Yeah, I

I really don't know what to tell you. We

don't. Ever recommend anybody to.

Oh, don't you tell me that. You all.

You all know that people buy your

balloons so they can suck the helium out

and do the little trick. That's standard.

That doesn't fault on us

because we didn't say to do it and

we never. Listen to me, you witch. This

is some kind of curse, OK?

Well, this isn't a f*cking joke. This is

my life. But you you

still shouldn't do that. Do what?He just

doesn't want to accept the helium out of

the balloon. Well, it's too late, sister,

because I caused three in-air collisions

yesterday, and I might get suspended. You

know what?I'm-- I'm scared. Hey, lady, if

you think this is so f*cking funny, how

about this?Jingle bells, jingle bells,

jingle all the way over. One horse open

sleigh. And f*ck you.

The Oz Museum, this is Caitlin. This is

the Oz Museum, right?Yes, Sir.

I I just wanted to ask about a couple of

the displays

that you have. Do you does it look

like, does it look like the cell block?

The cell block?What do you mean?We get to

see the Prisoners of Oz and

JK Simmons and those Ernie

Hudson. Oh, this is guys are in the

showers. This is the

Wizard of Oz Museum from the 1939

film. The film.

Yeah, like we're off to see the Wizards.

Why am I blanking?

Dorothy the Lion

Scarecrow. Why am I blanking

on this?What?Can you tell me what happens

in it a little bit?Well, OK,

so Judy Garland plays

Dorothy and they start off. They start

off in Kansas and she gets blown away by

a tornado into the land of Oz. And she

dies or she survives. She lands in

Munchkinland on top of a Wicked Witch of

the East. Someone, somebody. So somebody

dies. Yeah, somebody dies. Wow. Yeah. But

it's not like the is the Munchkins like

the little people. I'm sorry. So you were

at a woman gets k*lled and then there's

some little people. And then what happens

after that?Oh, and she ends up having to

k*ll the other wicked witch later on. She

kills a lot of people. Whoa. On

accident. She claims she didn't k*ll the

Wicked Witch of the East. But I mean,

does the girl go to jail or does she just

what does she do?Oh, this is a magical

land. She doesn't go to jail. There's no

jail out there. So she kills two people.

Witches. She kills 2 witches. So it's a



women. And then that's how she finds her

way home. Well, basically she steals

the shoes and she clicks them three

times. She robs people. She robs people

and murders people. Yes, it's a lot

peppier than it sounds. It sounds

horrible. A 15 year old girl. It sounds

terrible, but it's k*lling two people.

It's really a happy, happy movie.

Well. Do people ever dress up to come to

the museum?Well, we see a lot of

Dorothy's around here. She's the

m*rder*r. Again, it's a happy kids movie.

Cool. I will.

Me and my nephew will be by within the

hour. All right. Sounds good. I look

forward to meeting you. You do say

eating me. I said meeting.

Meeting. And I do. You run a m*rder

museum and then you said. I look forward

to eating you. It's It's not

like that, I promise. OK,

OK, I'll bring some sandwiches. All

right, sounds good. I am hungry. Bye.

This is Shell. How can I help you?Hello,

my name is Landalius Trufel. Who, may I

ask, am I speaking with today?This is

Shell. Hi, Shell.

I don't know if you heard about me. I

am a retired semi-pro football player,

award-winning, world-renowned.

I'm calling y'all today because what I

do is I sponsor and

set up senior

citizen. Football

leagues. And I tell you that the

old folks love it. They get

uniforms. Before you go any

further, our activity lady is not here.

She will be here Monday. Actually,

everybody is gone for the for the

weekend. Yes, Sir. They won't be back in.

Well, some of them will be back Monday. I

won't. I'm off. Well, where are you going?

I'm going to go to the house. Say

what now?Well, let me let me ask you

something. You like football?Yes, Sir.

I'm a Pittsburgh Steeler fan. Being I'm

about to hang up on you, girl.

You did not say Steeler. You did not say

the Steelers. What?Yes, Sir. Let me

ask you something. Let me ask you

something. I was in love with the

Steelers when Terry Bradshaw and Lance

Swan was there. I can't. I can't stand

Terry Bradshaw. He he pushed my buttI

need to go then. I don't need to talk to

you. Goodbye. Stop it. Stop it.

I'll tell you what my favorite team is.

You said the Catboys and I'm fitting to

hang up on you. Did I say that yet?Can

you give me a chance, girl?

I don't like the Catboys, boy. I

like the Inkster Ink Spots. They are

not currently a

team. But you know, back in the late 50s,

early 60s, all black. Let me tell you

something. They knocked heads, knocked

people straight on out. The hardest

hitting football team I ever, ever

seen in my life. You ever hear of them?

Listen, I'm trying to get out of here. I

love you, Sir. I do. Yes, ma'am. But she

will be here Monday. Her name is Red.

RedOK, all right. But now,

and she's the one in charge of booking

people because I like to come in. How

much you cost?How much?How's the price?I

don't cost nothing. Oh, you free?All

y'all pay for is the cleats and the

uniforms, which I designed. A

majority. And we've got a handful. I can

barely walk. Yeah, but look here. That's

OK, because I'm going to tell you right

now, these old folks, you put the bright

colors, the little spangles and the

cleats on them. They have a bar. And the

best part of it, the football pants, easy

access. You understand?If they got to do

their business, you just pull the flap

down in the back, flat out, and they

right back out there on the field. All

right. OK. OKSo I'm going to talk to

Reddy Red. And while I go, call

her Monday. Monday. Well, does she like

music?She loves music. Because

I like it too, girl. You know, I sang

too. If the football don't come out, I

sing. I do. I would call Red up and be

like, hey, Red, you

fire hot. Hey, Red, I

know you ain't that. Hey, Red, I'm

coming on over to put these pleats on

you.

You know, something like that.

Man, have a good weekend. I'll meet you

later. Bye. Okey dokey. Fine, girl. Bye.

Thank you for calling the center. This is

. How can I be of service?Hi, my name's

Burcham. Nice to meet your acquaintance.

Hi, Burcham. How are you?I'm a... I'm a

veteran. Okay. Vietnam.

And I came out to, uh, the center there

just to see if I could kind of make the

nightmares end. And

Dennis, or whatever this gentleman's name

was, you know, he did a great

class. Problem is,

is this guy did such a great job, I kind

of lost my edge. You lost your

edge?I don't understand. Well, what I

mean is, you're out there, you're stuck

in traffic, some a-hole cuts you off in a

Prius, and a couple of weeks ago, I would

have been in that guy's grill, you know

what I mean?Then I grabbed him by the

Fanny pack and threw him across the hood.

This time I just honked and waved. So The

thing is, is we don't have any male

teachers. I don't judge and I don't see

gender. I don't see color,

barely see height. So could have been,

could have been Denise. OK, so tell me,

tell me how to spell your name. I want to

see what class you click. My name is

spelled capital B.

The Down Dog was not inspired by the

Snoop Dog, right?It's a different,

totally different thing. No, it's what a

dog does when he stretches his back.

Downward facing dog. How do you spell

your name?Oh, that's not like Snoop. No.

Well, I'm. I'mDogs in

nature. All right, sorry. Capital

BIR planking is

named after the board.

Plank. Or is that a yoga word that I'm

unaware of?It's just a

yoga position that looks like you're a

plank. Spell your name for me.

Capital

BIRC.

Bridge pose. Real quick. No. Tell me how

to spell your name. Denise did say

something about a bridge pose. We don't

have a Denise. Well, then it was Dennis.

I I don't. Judge. And I don't see

gender. I understand. Please spell your

name for me so I can find you in my

system, please. Capital

BIR. Right. Oh, that's. Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that all you have?That's all you've

given me so far. OK. Do you have a

pen handy?Yes. Capital

BIRCH. It's funny because we're talking

about planking and Birch. Is a very

popular wood to construct planks out of.

Spell your name. I'm going to ask you one

more time to spell your name, and then

I'm going to hang up on you if you don't

spell your name. Whoa. It's a lot of

hostility coming through this phone for a

place that runs calls itself a Wellness

center. Well, I'm working and you're

wasting my time. All right, but I'm

trying to realign my chakras and I

can't do it with a shrew screaming into

my left ear. Spell your name, please.

Capital BI.

RCHU

sitting Indian styles that

are we allowed to say that anymore?Thank

you. Thank you for calling. I'm I'm

fairly certain I've never been

before. Could you teach me a wheel

pose?Personally, I I well, I can't teach

you anything over the phone. Well,

obviously we yes, we do it over a

couple glasses of wine at a local eatery.

This has gotten a little bit ridiculous

and I have work to do, so thank you very

much. Well, let me ask you a question.

How do you spell your name?

Thank you for calling. This is Cory. How

may I help you?I'm interested in working

there and I'm curious, you know,

obviously I'm told I'm very

attractive. And is this the kind of thing

where if I have a million followers, you

could sort of just, you know, by talking

to you, kind of tell you how hot people

say I am or how does it work?

So you hire or you apply

online?It's good to know because you

know, once I get my hair, like if I do my

hair and I have my makeup and the whole

shebang. It tends to be for

people sort of alluring and and sort of

like a siren song. I'm just very,

very hot. So yeah, we

already have type of girls like that.

Anyone with like a a million followers.

Yeah, I don't think it really matters. I

think you have to just fill out the

paperwork. You know, it's the kind of

thing. It would be a shame if we didn't

get to work together due to like what I'm

called is like stunning and

for me like. It's just sort of a given

that there's different tiers of women and

I'm kind of, I guess like people say top

shelf. Yeah, you, but you have to

apply first. But you can't take my word.

I'm telling you, like people seriously,

I've had like today, like a guy tripped

and he got up, he was like, you're

beautiful. Oh my God. Like he was like,

holy sh*t you're you're freaking

beautiful. And I'm like, all right. Like,

I know. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Like, I always say thank you to be nice,

but I'm just like looking for kind of

instant results because do you know what

I mean?Yeah, I understand that. I mean,

you could talk to my manager if you want.

I mean, if you could put in a word and

say you just talked to one of the hottest

people you've ever heard, you know?

OK. Yeah, I'll let him know. I think I'm

a 10 and I've been told I'm a 10. Like my

comments half the time are literally 10.

Someone even the other day I thought was

so funny. They were like 1000 out of 10.

I said that's too crazy. Like I'm

don't make me big headed, you know?

Yeah. And it's a gift and it's a

privilege. I honestly, you know, my old

minister used to tell me like a

one-on-ones. He was like, this is

something God gave you. Yeah.

And some people can sing and some people

can do taxes and like, I

can't. But I'm so, so hot. Yeah, I'll

definitely let him know. But I used to

ride horses and I had to stop because the

horses were trying to get with me. Yeah,

well, if you are interested, just come in

and they'll interview you. And then if

you they think you're good enough, then

they'll hire you on the spot. No

paperwork. I love that. Thank you so

much, girl. Because that's the thing. I

want to be hired on the spot. That's the

kind of b*tch I am. Like, I'm not trying

to do paperwork, you know?It's like, come

on, what am I, a dork?All right, so just

come in if you're interested then. I'll

see you in 2 minutes. OK.

Bye. Bye.

Thank you for calling. This is Corey. How

may I help you?Corey. Oh my gosh. Thank

you so much. I've been trying to reach

you because I was just on my way to come

in for the job that you offered me. And I

there's scaffolding outside my apartment.

I walked out to take my little Pomeranian

out and this crowbar fell on my face just

now. Yeah. So like, now I'm like shaking

because I'm ugly. I don't think that

they would like, take that against you.

OK, well, I've just lost like 10

Instagram followers cause I posted like a

live Insta about what was going on. And

so I'm just scared your manager's gonna

be like, OK, neck down. Yeah, yeahBut

like, face is busted and I don't know,

like I'm bleeding and I I feel like one

of my teeth is in half. Yeah, maybe you

should go to the hospital first.

Like, I'm still hot and like, obviously

my boobs are fine and my stomach's still

flat and my a*s is still like, you could

bounce 1/4 of it, but my face is like a

monster. OK.

Hot is a state of mind once you've been

hot this long. It ain't going nowhere,

bitchYeah, bye. Thanks for

the job.

Hate Insta fam. Like I said,

I've been hit by some sort of crowbar or

scaffolding or both, like a combo. I

don't even know. At this point I'm

hurting and you can see this contusion.

I'm freaking out because

I thought you guys were my family and

I know I'm hot and you know I'm hot, so

it's not fair. I'm going to be hot in a

f*cking month, so you're going to beback.

Look at that.