03x06 - The c*ck Hour

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

Hello, Rigsby.

Hi.

How are you feeling today?

What?

How's the twinges?

Did you want something?

- No. - Oh.

Hey, smashing job you made of that cabinet.

Oh, do you think so?

Yeah, great. Very professional.

Can't see a brush mark.

I'm not surprised.

Why?

I haven't started yet.

Come on.

What do you want?

What makes you think I want something?

The last time you asked about my twinges,

you tried to borrow 5 pounds. Come on.

What is it? - No.

You'll say no.

You don't know that till you ask.

No, you'll refuse. I know you will.

Not necessarily.

I might surprise you.

Can I bring a girl back here tonight?

No.

I knew it.

You're always the same.

It's worse than living in the YMCA.

I can't help that.

This happens to be a respectable house.

Well, what's wrong with bringing a girl back?

Because the last time you brought a girl back here,

I found her sitting on the bed.

Well, what's wrong with that?

She had one foot on the floor.

That doesn't make any difference,

one foot on the floor.

Anyway, that only applies when you're playing billiards.

We were only talking.

Oh, yes, only chess.

I know you students-- a little bit of chit chat,

then off for the weekend without the benefit of clergy.

Come on, Rigsby, you were young once.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it was different in my day.

When I was a lad, our idea of a dirty weekend

was cleaning up the coal shed.

I've changed.

I'm more mature.

That's why I want to be alone with her.

I want a deeper, fuller relationship.

Yes, you want to get the other foot off the floor.

Look, I respect Caroline.

I mean, she's-- she's different from

all the other girls I've met.

I mean, she's opened me eyes to all the good things of life.

You mean she's on the pill?

No, I don't.

No pill in my day, you know, nothing like that.

All they ever took in my day was a glass of cold water.

Before or after?

No, instead of.

Well, Caroline's not like that.

I mean, she's intelligent.

She's well-bred.

She's got an extensive knowledge of food, wine, and music.

God, if she goes up there with you,

she's going to need more than that.

She's going to need an extensive knowledge of karate.

Anyway, what can you offer someone like that?

Bag of cheese and onion crisps and a bottle of Cyprus sherry.

Well, that's a beginning.

Well, what do you say, Rigsby?

I mean, she comes from a very good family.

Her parents are very influential.

I don't care what they are.

Well, what am I going to say to her?

You can say anything you like.

She's not-- you can tell her it's the butler's night off.

We've run out of gin and tonic.

We're having a sunken bath fitted, anything like.

She's not coming.

Well, you're going to regret this, Rigsby, because I'm

moving in influential circles.

I'm on me way up.

Good.

Hey, before you go, pass me that paintbrush.

Huh.

Oh.

You're going ahead with it, then?

Yeah, should be all right.

Rigsby's going to bingo.

I wouldn't be too sure, not with all these preparations.

You can smell your aftershave in the street.

It's bound to make him suspicious.

You don't think I need another shave, do you?

Alan, you've had two already.

I don't think your bristles will show again tonight.

They're probably cowering in fear.

I don't know.

I mean, Caroline can't stand bristles.

She's got very sensitive skin.

Why do you keep walking round like that?

Why don't you sit down.

Nah, I put a jam butty down somewhere.

I can't take any chances.

What are you doing?

Turning the light off.

Hide the damp patches.

I didn't know you had any damp patches.

No, not me, the wallpaper.

No, Caroline can't stand anything ugly.

Perhaps you'd better switch them off altogether.

You could be right.

No, she's very fastidious.

Trouble is, you can hear that bog from here.

You don't think it'll put her off, do you?

I suppose she's used to better things.

Whoa, what?

You ought to see their place.

Pah.

What?

Cattle grid, gravel drive, six-stone Labrador.

It's gracious living after this.

Yeah, smell of pine in the hall, fresh-cut flowers, beds

made every day.

No shame.

Then what do they think of you?

I think they've just about got used to me.

The Labrador stopped dragging me to the floor,

and her father let me rake over the gravel drive yesterday.

It's her mother we've got to be a bit careful of.

She doesn't like us being on her own.

I mean, it's understandable.

I mean, she's their only daughter,

you know, and they've got to be a bit

careful of fortune hunters.

It'd be terrible if she got into unscrupulous hands.

Of course.

The money doesn't interest you?

I've never given it a thought.

Is she worth much?



Miss Jones.

Mr. Rigsby, I thought you went out on Friday nights.

No, not tonight, Miss Jones.

Do you mind if I leave this door just a little ajar?

Only I want to listen.

What on Earth for?

Anything suspicious, Miss Jones--

the sound of a stiletto heel on the stairs, a muffled greeting,

the creak of a bed spring.

So if I could-- if I could just use your room

for just a few seconds.

You mean this is a stakeout?

Yes, yes.

Yes, you could put it like that, Miss Jones.

I'm expecting a woman up these stairs any second.

Oh, you don't mean the one who's coming to see Alan?

Oh, you know about that then, Miss Jones?

Well, there were certain telltale signs

in the bathroom, Mr. Rigsby.

I noticed he discarded his socks,

and he'd been in the water so long,

his soap had turned to jelly.

Yes.

That's not all, Miss Jones.

Yes, he's put his ivory prayer book away

and turned his mother's picture to the wall.

That's always a bad sign.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Mr. Rigsby.

I've always found Alan extremely well-behaved.

Oh, yes, but he's a Jekyll and Hyde, that one, Miss Jones.

Oh, well-behaved during the day, yes, but once the sun's set

over that gasometer, he's away.

And if Hyde's taking over tonight,

I wouldn't give you tuppence for her chances.

Oh, but Mr. Rigsby, surely there's no harm

in a visit from a young lady.

Anyone would think you are a misogynist.

No, religion doesn't enter into it.

I have my reputation to think of.

Well, I'm sure Alan's intentions are honorable.

Oh, now, if his intentions were honorable, Miss Jones,

why would he wedge a chair behind the door?

Oh, I think things have changed since my day.

Ah, yes.

Then it was a few stolen kisses

at the back of the tennis court, a tremulous first embrace,

the maidenly blush.

Ah, you don't get many of those maidenly blushes

these days, Miss Jones.

Yes, they're all on the pill nowadays, as you know,

and they're not taking them for headaches.

Just because they're taking the pill, Mr. Rigsby,

doesn't mean to say they're doing anything wrong.

After all, you pay fire insurance,

but you don't expect the house to burn down.

Yes, Miss Jones, but you're supposed

to try and extinguish the blaze, not lie back and enjoy it.

Well, it looks as though she's changed her mind, Miss Jones.

Well, I wouldn't interfere, Mr. Rigsby.

Young love is a very tender plant, so easily crushed.

Daddy always interfered.

Don't do it, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, now, was that a foot on the stems?

Oh!

Yes, there she is.

That's it.

Ah. - No!

- What is it? - Mr. Rigsby!

What?

[knocking]

Oh!

Oh, sorry.

That's Caroline Armitage.

Pardon?

Caroline Armitage.

Do you know her?

Well, I know her mother.

She's president of the Women's Guild, very influential.

Oh, those Arm--

Yes!

Oh, her father's not the one who owns

half the property around here?

Yes!

Oh, and she's coming here!

We're on the map at last, Miss Jones.

Oh, this could be the turning point.

I better dash round with the air freshener.

The wind's off the abattoir again.

But I thought you objected to her visit, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, no, Miss Jones.

No, that was before I knew who it was.

Oh, a lovely girl.

Yes, got the clean lines of a young thoroughbred

there-- breeding, Miss Jones.

Yes.

Well, that surprises me.

You know her grandfather was a rag bone man.

All the same, I wish I'd known she was coming.

I bought that fluffy cover for the toilet seat.

Are there any last-minute refinements

you could possibly suggest?

Well, Mr. Rigsby, you could take the fly papers down.

RIGSBY: Yes.

And possibly a change of towels in the bathroom.

Good ideas. I'll put the blue ones out.

They've still got a bit of tread left on them, yes.

And I wonder if they'd like a cup of tea.

Oh, yes, I'm sure they would, Miss Jones.

Oh, I don't want to make a fuss just

because it's Caroline Armitage.

- No, no, of course not. - I'll be casual.

RIGSBY: Yes.

I wonder where I put the Wedgwood.

Ah, that's the spirit.

May I suggest perhaps the Earl Gray with just a slice of lemon?

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby, and some of my buttered scones.

Yes.

Ah, now-- now, is that wise, Miss Jones?

What do you mean, Mr. Rigsby?

Well, I don't think we'll get through much small talk, Miss

Jones, if we're chewing your scones.

You remember last time they created havoc

with the curate's dentures.

Well, perhaps you're right, Mr. Rigsby.

Perhaps I'll just stick to the digestives.

A wise choice.

I'll get my cravat out, Miss Jones.

MISS JONES: Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

Comfortable, darling?

No.

I'm sitting on a spring.

Oh.

We could go and sit on the bed.

Do we have to stay here?

This place is getting on my nerves.

Oh, I just thought we could have a quiet evening, just

the two of us.

[banging, toilet flushing]

It's an awful room.

I don't know how you can live here.

Well, it's only temporary till I find something better.

Well, that shouldn't be difficult.

We could go and sit on the bed.

No.

Mummy wouldn't like it.

I wasn't thinking of asking Mummy.

She doesn't like me, does she?

Well, what do you expect, after you made those rings

on the coffee table?

Poor Mummy was up half the night with the T-coil.

Well, it's not the end of the world.

I mean, I'm not the first guest to have

made rings on a coffee table.

I bet others have done it.

Not with their heels.

And then you had the back off the television.

You made us miss Horse of the Year Show.

Well, I was only trying to adjust the contrast.

Daddy says he's beginning to wonder

if it's his house or yours.

I don't know how he can say that.

He doesn't let me in the lounge anymore.

Drawing room, dear.

Lounges are in hotels.

Oh, I see.

I bet they think I'm a peasant.

Was it something that I said at dinner?

Did I eat the wrong end of the asparagus?

No, you ate all of it.

You spent the whole meal lecturing on the starving

millions and how ashamed we should be of having so

much when others had so little.

Then you asked for a second helping.

Ah, I'm a growing lad.

I still can't understand why your mother

won't let us be alone together.

Well, she doesn't think it's healthy.

She thinks we ought to be with people.

Well, we tried that and got slung out of the cinema.

Caroline, have you-- have you thought any more about--

about, you know.

Yes, I--

I have thought about it.

I think we ought to wait.

I can't wait any longer.

I've not been well.

I mean, the doctor says I've got this pent-up emotion,

all this frustration.

I mean, if I was to go suddenly--

[gasps]

Does that mean yes?

No.

I'm on that spring again.

Oh.

Well, look, let's go and sit on the bed.

Oh.

Do you think you'll be all right?

Of course.

I mean, what about that awful man, Rigsby?

Just sit down and relax.

Oh.

Oh, Alan.

Oh, Caroline.

Oh.

[moans] Oh, Alan!

What?

I'm lying on something sticky!

What is it?

It looks suspiciously like a jam butty.

Honestly, how could you?

Oh, just look at it!

My skirt is ruined.

I'll sponge it down for you.

Crumpet, anyone?

Is she all right?

Yes.

Miss Jones is sponging her down in the bathroom.

Why'd you have to leave something

on that lying around for?

You know what blackcurrant's like.

Yeah, well, I forgot where I put it.

You've got no sense of responsibility have you?

You know who she is, don't you?

Of course I know who she is.

Her father's a very big man around here, you know.

Oh, property developer.

Well, he doesn't so much develop it as knock it down.

He's cleared more land for car parks

than the might of the German Luftwaffe.

They tried to hit that town hall two years.

He got it down in a week with six Irishmen.

Well, that's nothing to be proud of.

What about that ski slope he built?

Waste of the taxpayers' money.

Listen, if we win a gold medal in the winter Olympics,

it'll be due to his foresight.

He didn't show much foresight there.

He built it the wrong way around.

Most of the skiers ended up on the M62.

I hope you don't talk to him like that.

We don't want a steel ball coming through the brickwork,

do we?

Listen, listen, you want to make the most

of this, think of the future.

You play your cards right, we could all benefit.

What do you mean, we?

Well, I'm sure when fortune smiles on you,

you're not going to forget all your old friends, are you?

Yeah.

Listen-- listen, you need me.

You need my help.

You need advice on the social graces.

What do you know about the social graces?

A lot more than you do.

Look at those trousers, for a start.

What's wrong with them?

They look all right to me.

Look it-- you should see them from behind.

They've got more creases than an elephant's backside.

Listen, you've got to make the most of this opportunity.

It only needs a well-spoken young sprig

to come along with a hacking jacket

and a pair of cavalry twills, and you'll be out on your ear.

Yeah, well, you know I can't afford them kind of clothes,

not on my grant.

Well, perhaps we could spring you a small loan

just to tide you over.

After all, you'd be coming into quite a bit if you

ever get her to the altar.

In the meantime, you've got to look the part.

Now, look, when you enter society,

you've got to move with certain elegance, you see?

Now, you should watch me.

I was a past master of it.

You see, it's like this, like that.

Look, I'll show you, look.

When you enter a room, you see, when you-- look, I'll show you.

When you enter a room, it's like this, see?

You enter a room, you're in.

You know?

You close the door.

You wait for the conversation to die down.

You sh**t your cuffs like that, then

you adjust them, leaving just visible the diamond cufflinks.

When you're bidden to sit-- shall I sit?

You sit. You come over.

Its fingers on the trousers, up, down.

To avoid any stiffness, just a casual

throw of the leg over the other with nonchalant ease.

And then, you know-- eh.

That's it. Right.

Here it is.

Then you say, open the door.

The door-- you enter through.

Conversation and sh**t the cuffs through just as I--

where should we sit?

Sit down.

Pull down on the trousers.

Casual, nonchalantly, hands here, hmm?

Right?

Right.

Come on.

That's it.

That's it.

That's the idea.

Now you're getting it.

That's it, yes.

Right, they're coming back in a minute.

Now, look, when you're drinking your tea, don't slurp it.

I don't slurp!

Yes you do.

You're like a buffalo at the waterhole.

Ah, here we are.

Caroline, my dear, do sit down.

Here we are, the cup that cheers.

And have you two ladies been getting to know each other?

I'm sorry, Caroline, so--

You two ladies been getting to know each other, have you?

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

We've had a jolly time sponging Caroline up.

I don't know what Mummy will say.

Ah, quite, quite.

How is Mummy these days, by the way?

Do you know her?

Yes, I think I've brushed against her

once or twice at Tesco.

Didn't we lock trolleys in front of the frozen food counter?

I have no idea.

I know your mummy quite well, Caroline.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

We're both in the Women's Guild.

Perhaps she's mentioned me.

No.

Hey, digestive biscuits.

Wonderfully healthy appetite.

We're all very fond of him.

He's got this-- what you might call this--

this-- he's got this natural sort of charm.

I'm sure they'll make a lovely couple, won't they, Miss Jones?

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

It's so nice to see two young people setting out

together down life's highway.

Absolutely.

I think you've dropped in lucky hare, Caroline, if I may say so.

As a matter of fact, he's very popular with the opposite sex.

It's a wonder he hasn't been snapped up years ago.

Yes, I'm sure--

I'm sure your parents must be very taken with him.

Yes, what a pity they couldn't have come.

We'd have been delighted to see them, wouldn't we, Miss Jones?

Oh, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

They're going to Glyndebourne.

Oh, Glyndebourne.

Oh, yes, the three-day event, no doubt.

I beg your pardon?

Granted.

Aren't you having tea, Mr. Rigsby?

I was just thinking, Miss Jones, what beautiful cups.

Oh, just the old Wedgwood.

Oh, but very elegant, nevertheless.

Oh, it's been in the family for years.

Do you know it survived two world wars?

Now, that's quite a thought, isn't it, Caroline,

to think that these delicate, beautiful pieces

have survived the might of the German w*r machine.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Don't you agree, Alan?

[dishes shattering]

Yeah?

Now taste that.

What is it?

It's a c*ck, a little concoction of my own.

I don't think I'll bother.

No, go on. It's very good.

Works very well with the opposite sex--

guaranteed to loosen the strongest elastic.

Don't leave the spoon in it.

It attacks the metal.

I think I'll stick to wine.

Yeah, you're in luck.

That's a very nice red.

No, not yet, not yet.

It's barely at room temperature.

You've got to give it time to breathe.

This is a very unassuming little wine.

We don't want to trample on its feelings, do we?

You're really into this gracious living, aren't you?

Well, we all have standards, you know.

I see you've only got five wine glasses.

Yeah, that's right--

me, you, Caroline, Caroline's mum, Ruth.

What about Rigsby?

We can't have him up here.

This is the c*ck hour, not a get-together

over a crate of brown ale.

You're ashamed of him, aren't you?

No.

Look, I've got Caroline's mother coming.

I mean, we can't have him coming and slapping her on the back,

rattling her gold fillings.

No, I'm moving in influential circles now.

Yes, and who's paying for it?

Look, it's only a loan.

This is my prospective mother-in-law.

Oh, and by the way, my name's Guy.

Guy?

Yeah.

They prefer to call me by my middle name.

Here we are, boys, the last of the vol-au-vents.

Oh, they look delicious, Ruth.

Would you like to try one, Alan?

No, I think I'll wait till everyone else arrives.

Philip?

No, not at the moment.

I've already eaten.

Well, somebody has got to try them.

No, no, I shouldn't worry, Ruth.

You're a very good cook.

Am I?

Then why do I keep finding half-eaten pastries

in my flowerpots?

Why don't you ask Rigsby?

I can't.

He's not invited.

I don't see why he shouldn't come.

You don't know what he's like.

I remember the last time I had people in for drinks.

He completely monopolized the evening.

He made us play this dreadful game which

involved passing a key on a string

through everybody's underwear.

But I wouldn't have minded, but he only came

up to complain about the noise.

The way I see, Philip, somebody's got to tell him he

can't come.

Hey, who's been using the downstairs lava--

hello, what's this?

What's what?

This, this.

You're having a party?

Well, I'm having Caroline and her mother

here for a few drinks.

Why didn't you tell me?

I'd have brought my glasses with the gold rings around them.

Yeah, oh, I better get changed.

Right.

Hey, you only got five places.

Yeah, that's right.

No, no, six--

Caroline, her mother-- two, three, four, five, six.

Look, Rigsby, I can explain.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I understand, yes.

You've left your man.

Yes, I don't blame you.

Yes, you'd have a job explaining him away, wouldn't you,

especially if he starts talking about cannibalism

in the middle of the paté?

Do you want me to tell him, or will you do it?

Rigsby.

RIGSBY: Yeah?

Ruth, can I borrow one of your chairs?

Oh, yes, of course.

Leave it to me.

Hey, Phil.

Phil, look, it looks as though you've been--

it looks as though you've been left out.

Look, don't take it to heart.

It's not me.

If it was up to me, you'd be invited like a shot.

Don't take it to heart.

Tell you what.

I'll save you a bit of seed cake.

There's no need.

I've been invited.

Oh, you've been-- oh.

Who have they left out, then?

You, Rigsby.

What?

Me?

No, you can't have left me out.

I mean, it was my money that--

no, I mean-- he wouldn't have a party without me, could he?

I mean, if--

I mean, if-- right.

I'll fix that little-- right.

ALAN: Here we are, Mrs. Armitage.

Thank you, Guy.

Perhaps you'd like to try one of my vol-au-vents, Mrs. Armitage.

Thank you, Miss Jones.

I'm glad to see you're still sticking at it.

I'm sure they'll all come together eventually.

I keep trying, Mrs. Armitage.

I'm sure these are going to be splendid.

What a fascinating room.

I had no idea these buildings were still standing.

Of course, it's a long time since I've been in this area.

But I felt I should call, now that these two young things are

getting engaged.

Caroline is very precious to us.

Oh, Mummy, honestly.

So you can see my concern.

I thought that I should meet some of Guy's friends.

I had no idea that he was sharing a room with--

Philip.

Yes, Philip.

I had no idea you came from the dark continent.

You mean he never mentioned it?

I don't remember it cropping up.

Phillip's the son of a chief.

Fascinating.

We want him to be best man.

Yes.

Well, we were hoping for a white wedding.

RIGSBY: [singing raucously]

What's that?

I'll put a record on.

RIGSBY: [singing raucously]

Hey, hey.

[noisemaker squeaks]

Sorry to keep you so long.

Here we are.

Come on, Phil, one for you.

Hello, Mrs. Armitage.

How are you, love? All right?

Here we are. - Rigsby?

Yes, yes? What is it?

ALAN: Rigsby.

Hey, you've left a ring around the bath again.

Rigsby, not now. RIGSBY: He's always the same.

Yes, well, I'm not cleaning it.

He plays there all afternoon with his rubber duck,

expects me to clean it.

There you are, love.

Get yourself a round of that.

Yes, I'm not-- stop wafting that serviette around.

That doesn't impress me.

You've never used one before.

- Yes, I have! - No you haven't.

You never bothered about stains.

Always put his faith in biological washing powder, hey.

Guy, who is this person?

Guy?

[laughs]

Who are you talking about?

She's talking about me, Rigsby.

My middle name.

I suppose you always wondered what the G stood for.

No, it stands for George.

Who told you that?

You did.

Guy, has this person been invited?

No.

Then ask him to leave.

Oh, good for you, Mummy.

Hey, now, just a minute, Mummy.

Just a minute.

This happens to be my house.

And if I'll say who's leaving, it might just be you.

You look like a troublemaker to me.

How dare you!

Hey.

Wait, don't I know you?

I should hardly think so.

Yes, I do.

Mabel Badgworthy that was!

Yeah, you used to live near the skin yard.

I remember you on your dad's rag bone cart.

Always had a runny nose, you know, 'ole silver sleeves.

I think you must be mistaken.

No, I wouldn't forget you.

Look, we went to the same school together.

Yes, always used to be showing us her knickers

behind the caretaker's house.

Yes, old red hat with no drawers we used to call you.

Couldn't forget you, love, no-- strong smell

of candyfloss mingling with the faint aroma of dead rabbits.

Really, I must protest!

Oh, you are?

Guy, are you going to stand there and let Mummy be insulted?

No, I'll take you home, Mrs. Armitage.

That will not be necessary.

I thought we were going to have

a game of strip poker going. Are you going to stay?

I can't wait to get out of this.

- Oh, hey, hey, hey. - [shrieks]

- Hey, hey, hey. - Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Armitage, I'm so sorry.

Caroline!

[sobbing]

Now look what you've done!

She's given me my ring back.

Ah, you're better off without her.

You're too good for her.

You be out of your depth with that lot.

Yes, you'll get over it.

Well, I might, but Rigsby won't.

What do you mean?

Well, it was your 50 quid.

Oh, right.

I'll have that on account. Come on.

Well then.

What'd you do that for?

Now look-- now, look, it's stuck.

Now what am I going to do, you stupid--

Hey, Rigsby.

What?

Does this mean we're engaged?

No.

[clattering]

[music playing]

[applause]