03x05 - Fawcett's Python

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

[knock on door]

May I have a word, Mr. Rigsby?

Certainly, Miss Jones, of course, yes.

What is it?

It's about the new girl.

Oh, yes, you mean Marilyn? Yes.

Yes.

I see it hasn't taken you long to get on first name

terms, Mr. Rigsby.

You know me, Miss Jones, I like to be intimate

with the-- try to get on--

on good terms with all of my tenants.

[chuckles]

Yes, I've noticed, Mr. Rigsby.

Is that why you've cleaned her windows three times this week?

Well, they were rather grimy, Miss Jones.

You mean, you couldn't see through them properly?

Yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no,

No, don't protest, Mr. Rigsby, I

saw you when you were pruning the apple

tree leering in at her.

Oh, no, no, Miss Jones, I wasn't leering in.

Oh, yes, of course you were.

You fell out of the tree twice.

I was just giving her a friendly wave, Miss Jones.

Yes, you've gone out of your way to be friendly.

Is that why you cleaned the inside of her windows as well?

Surely, that's not normal practice.

Well, she had just arrived, Miss Jones.

You know what that room was like.

She was in a state.

She was also in a negligee, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh.

Oh, is that what it was?

Yes, I thought it had a lot of lace.

[chuckles] Yes, yes.

My trouble is I have no idea of fashion, Miss Jones.

Well, I'm not surprised you're confused, Mr. Rigsby,

she certainly wears it a great deal.

She came downstairs in it just now,

in the middle of the morning.

I thought there'd been a fire.

I was shocked, Mr Rigsby.

I don't think it's quite the thing,

not with young and impressionable

minds in the house.

They could be led astray by a woman like that.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Miss Jones.

Not those two. No.

You haven't seen their calendar, have you?

Oh, disgraceful.

Yes, because they don't go in for views of the Cotswold

and the blacksmith working at his forge.

No, no, no.

It's all intimate studies of the female form with them.

Yes.

I thought the summer months were bad enough,

but September's coming in with jackboots and a whip.

How do you know Mr. Rigsby, we haven't reached September yet?

Eh-- eh, I was just thumbing through, Miss Jones.

Frankly, I was appalled.

No, if it's young, impressionable minds

you're looking for, you'd be better off down the YMCA.

There's nothing to worry about around here.

[chuckles]

Yes, but I do worry, Mr. Rigsby.

Where's it all going to end?

She went topless in the garden last Sunday.

That sort of thing gives the house a bad name.

Uh, oh, topless?

No, no, I didn't know that.

That surprises me, Mr. Rigsby, considering

how close you were getting to her with a lawn mower.

I don't think you're taking the situation

at all seriously, Mr. Rigsby?

The moral climate of this house has definitely

taken a turn for the worst.

And I've got the curate coming this evening.

We're rehearsing for the concert.

He'll begin to wonder if I'm a fit person to ascend

the stage of a church hall.

After all, birds of a feather, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, yes, yes.

Birds of a feather, Miss Jones?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Don't you, Mr. Rigsby?

Tell me, have you been able to discover

what she does for a living yet?

No, she's been rather reticent on that point.

I see.

And do you know why she's so secretive about her work?

Unless it's something she's ashamed of.

Something that sets her apart from decent, respectable people.

You don't think she's from the tax office, Miss Jones?

No, I don't, Mr. Rigsby.

They don't wear negligees and paint their toenails

to administer schedule D.

RIGSBY: No, Miss Jones.

And why does she sleep most of the day

and stay out most of the night?

Oh, Miss Jones, you're not suggesting she's a loose woman?

Loose?

If she got any looser, she'd fall apart.

Well, you-- you leave it to me, Miss Jones, I'll certainly

have a word with her.

Very well, Mr. Rigsby.

Only the last time you had a word,

you were in there for three hours,

and then you had to go back for your jacket.

[SINGING] Wash that man right out of my hair.

Go and wash that man right out of my hair.

Go and wash--

And where do you think you're going?

Just taking a newspaper down to Marilyn.

No, you're not.

I want you to keep well away from her.

Why?

Because I said so, that's why.

But that's not a reason.

As soon as we get an attractive woman in the house,

you start walking around like the heir of Dulwich.

Yeah, but look, I mean, it's for your own good.

You-- you-- you'd be out of your depth with a woman like that.

You don't start the nosebleeds again, do you?

I can look after myself.

No, no, it's not just a question of that.

I've had complaints.

Miss Jones thinks she's a--

thinks she's a fallen woman.

A fallen woman?

Yes.

Well, what were you doing in her room last night?

Trying to pick her up?

Now, look, just because somebody is a bit heavy on the eyeshadow,

it doesn't mean they're a fallen woman.

It's not just that, but Miss Jones

has got the curate coming round tonight.

What's he going to say?

Well, I thought he was supposed to save fallen women.

Yes, well, he is.

Well, ask him to save one for you.

This one's mine.

Look, you're only jealous because she fancies me.

No, no, it's not she fancies, mate.

Your money.

Wait, you don't mean she's a--

Yes.

Well, I think that kind of thing is degrading.

RIGSBY: Yeah. - I mean, not for the woman.

RIGSBY: No.

It's for the man who stoops to it.

Lowest of the low.

Contemptible.

Absolutely.

[exhales sharply]

What are you staring at?

Have you ever um--

Certainly not.

A men in my position, a respectable pillar

of the community, no.

I'm sorry, Rigsby, I--

I should think so.

I can honestly say with my hand on my heart,

I have never been tempted in that direction.

Not for years.

What about the w*r?

Aah, that was different, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was in France.

Yes, I was just a young man then.

No more than a boy, really.

Far from home.

Outside the tr*mp of marching feet, the sound of g*nf*re.

And inside, me, poised on the threshold of a new experience.

What was it like?

I'll tell you what it was like.

The Germans scored a direct hit on the bedroom,

that's what it was like.

What? You mean you never--

No, I never.

No, no.

No, the lights went out the roof, fell in.

I thought, if this is sex, they can stuff it.

I never stopped running till I got to Dunkirk.

What are you going to do about Marilyn?

What can I do?

Can't afford a breath of scandal with the curate coming.

No, she's got to go.

Oh, look, do you have to, Rigsby?

Oh, well, don't take it to heart.

Take up something else.

Try brass rubbing.

Thought you were supposed to be seeing Marilyn.

I change my mind.

Why?

I'm reading the paper.

Anything interesting?

Woman lost her head in the supermarket.

What a country.

They'd lift anything.

What's the matter, why aren't you going down?

Because I've got principles.

I'm not paying for the pleasure of her company.

Who said she was like that?

Well, it's obvious.

I wasn't born yesterday.

All that negligee and painted toenails,

the way she's been chasing me.

Well, she's not going to make a fortune

out of you, not with what you have in the piggy bank.

She certainly is not.

Your trouble is you're too suspicious.

You always think women are after your money.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Look how you were with those girls we met the other night.

Just because they had arrows on their stockings.

Well, that's a sign, that is, arrows on the stockings.

It's like split skirts and plastic macs.

Is that why you keep your small change in your sock?

No, I'm just being careful.

Your trouble is you're mean.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

I just like a woman to like me for what I am,

not what I've got.

Well, I can understand that.

But we have a saying in my country.

He who seeks the bird of paradise

must put down a little seed.

Now, why don't you pop down and see her?

I'll hold your wallet.

Yeah, supposing Rigsby is right about her.

Rigsby, I should have known.

I wouldn't listen to him.

He's only jealous.

Yeah, but supposing he's right.

Well, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Probably just what you need.

I know it helped a friend of mine.

Did it?

Mm.

Never regretted it.

He had this strange fixation.

Well, I haven't got any strange fi--

what was it?

It was something to do with the sea.

He'd arrive at her flat in oilskins

Oilskins?

He'd put on waders and a Sou'wester and ask her to make

the sound of a howling gale.

She stood on a chair and threw buckets of water at him.

Well, what happened then?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, what would you expect in weather like that?

[knock on door]

Oh, Marilyn, could I--

oh, [chuckles] could I have a word, love?

Certainly, big boy, what is it?

Well, it's um--

It's a bit delicate.

It usually is.

No, I've had complaints.

Complaints?

What-- what sort of complaints?

Well, regarding your occupation.

I see.

You've-- you've found out, then?

Well, let's just say the-- the pieces have fallen into place,

shall we, Marilyn.

- And you want me to go? - Yes, I'm afraid so.

I am the landlord.

I am responsible for the moral climate around here.

Well, why don't you go?

Um-- I'm not blaming you, Madeleine.

I mean, you're a nice girl.

I can see that.

But, I mean, rules are rules.

And you object to my dancing?

Yes, I'm afr--

Your dance-- oh, you're a dancer?

Well, I don't suppose you consider it dancing, but I do.

It's very artistic.

[chuckles] I suppose if I was with the Royal Ballet,

that would be all right.

But just because I'm an erotic dancer.

[chuckles]

An erotic dancer, I'm sorry, we all

thought you were on the game.

I could have been classical.

I had the talent, I just grew too much.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I can see that.

Yes.

But perhaps I've been a bit hasty then.

You mean I can stay?

Yes, yes.

Well, let's give it a try, shall we?

Oh, you're more understanding than my last landlord.

He turned me out.

Of course, he objected to my partner.

Your partner?

Yeah, Charlie.

You want to see him?

Charlie?

My God, it's a snake!

You can touch him.

He won't bite.

No!

He's got a hold on me!

No, he's just extracting warmth from your body.

I think he's wasting his time.

That's why he's sluggish, it's too cold for him, really.

You have to poke him.

No, no, no. Don't bother.

No.

No, it seems a pity to disturb him.

He looks so peaceful.

He's beautifully marked, isn't he?

Yes.

Yes, I particularly like the zigzags.

- Oh, do you really like him? - Yes.

Yes, of course, I do.

Oh, I think he can sense it.

The other landlord didn't like him.

That's why Charlie kept dropping on him from the lamp shade.

He was always in trouble.

He crept next door and swallowed two of their garden gnomes.

[chuckles]

It's amazing what they can cram in.

Yes, right.

Well, I must be dashing, Marilyn.

I-- If Charlie doesn't mind, that is.

- Oh, no, he's taken to you. - Has he?

[chuckles] Bye.

Bye Mar-- bye, Charlie.

Hey, hey, where do you think you're going?

I'm going to see Marilyn. I've changed my mind.

- No. - No, no.

Look, Rigsby. No, no.

No matter what you say, I've decided

not to take a moral attitude.

Life's too short.

Oh. Yeah, all right.

Yeah, go on.

Go ahead.

What, you don't mind?

No, no, I think it'll be--

I think it'll prove a very stimulating experience.

[knock on door]

[screaming]

[music playing]

[hissing] - Oh.

[chuckles]

Do you have to do that, Rigsby?

You haven't recovered yet, then?

No, I haven't.

[chuckles] OK.

You should have seen your face when you came out of that room.

Talk about blind terror.

[chuckles] I haven't seen panic like that

since 12 of trying to get in the same life jacket at Dunkirk.

It was horrible.

It was all coiled and ready to spring.

That's what they do, you know. - Yeah.

They hypnotize their prey then they swallow it.

Well, he couldn't have swallowed you.

Not with those feet.

[chuckles] He's really, really got you going, hasn't he?

Really terrified, aren't you? - No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You think he's lurking everywhere.

[chuckles] You ran away from the garden hose this afternoon.

Oh, just you wait.

You'll pick up that hosepipe one day

and it'll turn round and stare at you.

[chuckles]

Well, at least I won't panic anyway.

And you know why?

Because animals respect me.

Oh, yes, because I've always had this influence, sort

of calming effect on them, yes.

Do you remember that Alsatian who got

hold of Miss Jones's joint, huh?

Well, who was the one who approached him?

Uttered a few soothing words and took it from him.

You-- you did.

Yes, well, there you are then.

Well, it still bit you.

Calmed him down in the end, didn't I?

Only after you hit it over the head with a broom in hand.

All right.

I've just seen the snake.

All right.

[chuckles]

I'd keep away from him if I were you.

What do you mean?

Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's Fawcett's python.

Is what, huh?

Fawcett's Python.

Well, we should take it back.

No, no, he means Fawcett's was the first to find it, don't you?

Uh, well, not exactly, Rigsby.

Actually, it found Fawcett.

Fawcett was never seen again, except for his boots.

Of course, they grew much larger than that.

That's a young one.

Yeah, I told you, Rigsby.

You mean they are really dangerous?

Oh, yes.

When grown, they've been known to leap out of the bush

and attack a horse and cart.

Are you sure it's a Fawcett's python?

Well, as sure as I can be.

Of course, there's only one way to identify a Fawcett's Python.

How's that?

From a great distance.

Oh, very funny.

I am remembering the old days.

We presented one to the district commissioner,

he was delighted with it until it ate the spaniels.

I'll have to keep an eye on Vienna then, won't I?

He might end up as a bulge in his stomach.

And of course, if they bite you,

you're dead in quarter of an hour.

Oh, you've got to get rid of it, Rigsby.

No, I'm not having him wandering around loose,

there's Miss Jones to consider.

Hey, you don't think it would eat Miss Jones, do you?

They'd eat anything.

And then there's the curate.

Mind you, I wouldn't care if it had a go at him.

He's been hanging around here far too much just lately.

Then it's a good thing you're good with animals,

Rigsby, because somebody's got to go down there

and tell her it's got to go.

Don't worry, I'm not afraid, mate.

I don't know the meaning of fear.

Listen, I could have been one of the great white hunters, which

is more than I can say for him.

- Hey, Rigsby. - What?

Don't forget to tie some string around your ankles,

you don't want it sh**ting up your trouser legs.

Hey, how did you know it's a Fawcett's python?

That's how I know.

[screams]

It's all right.

It's quite dead.

Where did you get it?

I brought it from Africa.

Beautifully marked, isn't it?

You don't see them very often.

They're very difficult to stuff.

Hmm, I'm not surprised.

Ooh, look at that.

Ooh, imagine that grabbing hold of you.

Oh, it's all right.

It's not poisonous.

- It's not? - No.

Well, what about all that stuff

about being dead in 15 minutes and horse

and carts and all that?

Oh, that was for Rigsby's benefit.

Can I borrow it?

Why?

I was thinking of stuffing it up the great white hunter's

shirt flap.

[knock on door]

Marilyn, now, look, love.

I hope Charlie's not going to take this personally,

but he's got to go. It's not me.

It's the tenants.

They don't fancy Charlie knotting himself

round their windpipes, not even with the friendliest

of intentions. - I knew it.

You're all against him.

I don't know why.

He's just a big, soft thing.

Yes, I know he's just a big, soft thing.

The trouble is, he's going to get bigger, isn't he?

When he carries on growing, we won't be able to get up

the stairs without a machete.

I'm sorry, you just have to face it, he'd be happier in a zoo.

But what about my act?

Well, you'll have to get something else.

What about a couple of ostrich feathers, hey?

Or fantail doves, now, they're supposed to be very effective.

No, it won't be the same.

Yes, well, I know it wouldn't be the same, love.

But I mean, you said yourself, he feels the cold.

And the winters here can be something cruel.

If we have another one like last year,

he's not going to let anyone near those radiators, is he?

I'm sorry, he'll have to go.

[sobbing]

No, no, no.

No, Marilyn, don't cry.

No, don't.

See now, you'll upset Charlie.

[sobbing]

It's too late, he's gone.

[sobbing]

He's what?

Gone?

I was playing with him in the garden

and he just slithered off.

The garden?

The garden, you stupid cow, why did you want

to take him to the garden for?

It's not as if you can throw sticks for him, is it?

I thought he liked the exercise.

Well, he's getting plenty of that, isn't he?

And you'd better get out and look for him, haven't you?

Well, I have done.

He's probably miles away by now.

You better make sure, hey, I don't want to worry

but that bloke next door has been clipping his hedge.

One false snip and Charlie won't know

whether he's coming or going.

No!

Hello, Mr. Rigsby, have you seen her?

Yes, yes, Miss Jones, I have.

Yes.

And there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

She's a dancer.

Oh, what sort of a dancer?

Well, not what you might call the classical school.

More of the-- the modern interpretive type of dancing.

Yes.

What you might call glorification of the physical.

You mean she takes her clothes off?

Yes.

I see, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, I hope you spoke to her severely.

Remember, I have the curate coming this evening.

How could I forget, Miss Jones?

What do you mean, Mr. Rigsby?

Will he be singing again tonight?

Oh, yes, and I'll be accompanying him

in his rendition of the Indian love lyrics.

Right, right.

I must remember to put the cat out.

Are you suggesting that the curate's

singing disturbs Vienna?

Well, he does become a little ruffled, Miss Jones.

He tries to get behind the cooker.

The curate has a beautiful voice, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, yes, I'm not saying he hasn't, Miss Jones.

It's just the high notes.

Yes, when his sounds afflicted with the strangulated hernia.

I'm afraid there's something of the Philistine

about you, Mr Rigsby.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Miss Jones.

But don't you worry about the curate,

just you worry about Marilyn.

I don't want anything to disturb his composure.

- Would you like a cup of tea? - No, thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

- You don't mind if I-- - Not at all.

The curate has led a sheltered life, how do you think he'd

react to a woman in a negligee?

Oh, no, I shouldn't worry about that, Miss Jones.

After all, he has been trained to resist temptation.

A bit of scourging and a couple of hours in his hair shirt,

he'd be as right as rain.

I'm glad you find it amusing, Mr Rigsby, because I don't.

Oh, no, Mr Jones, I think you're taking

the wrong attitude there.

I think the curate himself might well

deliver one of his blistering sermons

on casting the first stone.

[chuckles] After all, he has been the subject

of malicious gossip himself.

What do you mean, Mr Rigsby?

Well, I was thinking of that occasion

he was seen at last tango in Paris without his dog collar

and with an unknown lady.

[chuckles]

Yes, well, never mind about that, Mr. Rigsby.

Just remember what I said. - Yes, Yes.

Right Miss Jones.

Certainly.

oh, hey, hey, Vienna, who'd be a landlord, hey?

What are you playing with?

Oh, what have you?

You've always got something.

What have you got now? Come on.

Come on.

Oh, my dear Lord!

[screams]

Oh, Lord, look down on your servant, Rigsby.

Don't let him get me.

Don't let him get me.

Hey, what's the matter, Rigsby?

Don't-- don't move, it's there.

What is?

that is.

Oh, it's the snake.

Well, of course it's a snake.

What did you think, it was a draft excluder?

Look, I want you to be a very brave lad

and walk out of the room backwards very slowly

and fetch Marilyn.

Nah, it's all right, Rigsby.

Careful, he'll have you.

He'll have you.

What's the matter?

Talk about great white hunters, they don't come

any whiter than you, do they?

It's not Marilyn's.

This one's stuffed.

Oh, you mean it's a dummy?

Yeah.

And what's it doing here?

Well, it's Philip's. I brought it down.

I thought you might be interested.

Cat must have got it and taken it behind the curtain.

I didn't you were going to panic.

Panic? What do you mean panic?

I was putting a new light bulb in.

It's very lifelike, isn't it?

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Hey, [giggles] I was just thinking, Miss Jones has

got the curate coming tonight.

[chuckles]

He's not singing, is he?

Yes, no, but I just thinking, if that

was to get into her room, it might

have very beneficial results.

[chuckles]

What, you mean it might help him reach the high notes?

Yes, that's what I thought.

- I'll see what I can do. - All right, good lad.

[chuckles] - Come on, Bonzo.

Yes, he's well trained, isn't he?

Shall we run through it once more, Douglas?

Oh, very well, Ruth.

But please remember, it is not a race to see who finishes first,

we shall try to breast the tape together, as it were.

Yes, of course, Douglas.

May I say that I think you're singing beautifully.

Yes, I do seem in good voice, don't I?

I think you'll be devastating on the night.

Oh, yes.

Remember last year, Ruth?

Oh, we had a profound effect on the old age pensioners.

I swear, there were tears in their eyes, Ruth.

Oh, they were obviously music lovers, Douglas.

Some were so overcome with emotion that they

had to leave the room.

It was very rewarding.

I think it's the best thing in your repertoire, Douglas.

Thank you, Ruth.

[chuckles] Should we continue?

[SINGING] Peel hands I loved beside the Shally Mar

Where are you now who lies beneath your spell?

Whom do you lead on rapture's ruby heart

[hissing]

Is that-- is that you, Ruth?

Certainly not, Douglas.

Uh, I thought it was cracked.

I thought it was your breathing.

There is nothing wrong with my breath control,

I can assure you.

Shall we continue.

[SINGING] Peel-- Peel hands I loved

[hissing]

be--

What is the matter, Ruth?

It's a snake.

[screaming]

Oh, my goodness.

Where's it gone?

I don't know.

I think it must be under the bed.

[screaming]

Oh, is anything wrong, Miss Jones or do you

normally rehearse like this?

Certainly not, Mr. Rigsby.

I thought perhaps that the curate's

way of getting a high note.

There's a snake, Mr. Rigsby.

A snake, Curate?

Surely not.

[chuckles] I'm sure he wouldn't attack a man of the cloth.

Where is he?

Oh, do be careful, Mr. Rigsby.

He was coming for us.

Oh, oh, obviously a music lover.

Well, I wonder where he is.

Oh, here he is down here.

[screaming]

[shouts] Nothing to worry about.

He's quite a lively little fellow, isn't he?

- Oh, do take care, Mr. Rigsby. - It's all right.

It's all right, Miss Jones, you've

just got to watch the fangs.

It's all right.

I had a lot of experience with these addies.

Come on, down now. Get down.

Get down. - What's going on?

It's all right, nothing to worry about.

I've got everything under control.

He put up quite a struggle, mind you.

Uh, Rigsby? RIGSBY: Hey?

I think you've got the wrong one.

I thought it felt different.

Oh, my god, it's got me.

[screams]

Oh!

What's the matter, Mr. Rigsby?

It bit me.

It bit me.

Are you sure?

Yes, of course I'm sure.

How do you feel, Mr. Rigsby?

I'm going--

I'm going numb.

My eyes are glazing.

Oh, what should we do?

Perhaps a prayer?

Do you mind?

What we've got to do is get a knife, opened the wound

and suck out the poison.

Now, where did he bite you, Rigsby?

Down here.

Oh!

Sorry, Miss Jones.

Well, come on, one of you, quick.

I think we better call a doctor, Rigsby.

My, God!

You certainly find out who your friends are at times like this,

don't you?

Oh, my god, if he's bitten me, I've

only got 10 minutes to live.

Have you found him?

MISS JONES: He behind the curtain.

Poor old Charlie.

Have you been frightening him?

Frightening him?

He's just bitten me.

Oh, that's probably just a friendly nip.

A friendly nip?

He's poisoned me.

I've only got 10 minutes to go.

Uh, seven, actually.

Yes.

They've been having you on, he's not poisonous.

He's what?

No.

To tell you the truth, if he's bitten you,

I'm more worried for poor old Charlie.

Must be off, Rigsby.

I might have bloody well know.

Come here you two.

[theme music]