01x04 - Charisma

[bunniefuu]

[audio logo]

[theme music]

[knocking]

Ah, yes.

Just come to fix your drip, Ms. Jones.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Ah, that's all right, Ms. Jones.

That's what I'm here for, any little thing, as you know.

I'm afraid I'm not very practical.

Well, you're more the artistic type, aren't you, Ms. Jones?

You like beautiful things.

I mean, look at your cups--

willow pattern.

Lovely theme.

Yes, separates you from the rest,

Ms. Jones, and your table mats.

Yes, scenes from the ballet.

And how many people around here eat off scenes from the ballet?

Yes, you're lucky if you get a beer mat.

No, you've got that indefinable something called "good taste,"

Ms. Jones.

Do you think so, Mr. Rigsby?

Oh, yes.

You've made a difference to this place.

Shades on the boards, blue water in the toilet.

Ooh.

You really raised the standard.

Well, I hope so.

RUPERT RIGSBY: Mm-hmm.

I mean, I hope the others don't think I'm too fussy.

I want them to accept me.

Well, they'll accept you, all right.

That's what worries me.

Yes. Yes.

Well, there.

That's fixed, Ms. Jones.

All right.

Then, anything else while I'm here?

Well, yes, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh.

I wonder if you'd have a look at my doorknob.

Oh.

Again?

Well, I had a look at it only last week.

What's-- what's the matter with it now?

Well, people seem to be walking off with it.

Oh. Well, no wonder.

Look at that.

It's been vandalized.

Huh.

Yeah, what should you expect with that lot upstairs?

Just a few twists with my little--

there we are.

That's fixed that.

Good.

I don't know how to Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

I was just thinking, Ms. Jones.

Uh, Spooner gave me a couple of tickets for the wrestling

for tomorrow night.

I wonder if you'd care to come.

Me?

Oh, I don't know, Mr. Rigsby.

It's all right.

It's not too near the front.

I mean, you don't want a 15-stone wrestler in your lap,

do you?

Does that happen?

Oh, yes. Yes, it can.

Yes.

And Spooner has got this nasty habit of spitting his drinking

water over the crowd.

All in the heat of battle, of course.

Well, it's very nice of you to ask me, Mr. Rigsby,

but I really don't think--

You'll enjoy it, Ms. Jones.

It's a grudge fight--

Spooner versus the Russian.

It ended with a broken leg last time.

Oh, how awful.

RUPERT RIGSBY: Yeah.

Mr. Spooner or the Russian?

Uh, no, no, no.

Somebody in the third row I believe it was.

No, you see-- you see, the-- the Russian--

oh, shall I sit?

The Russian comes on in ballet tights,

you see, and pelts Spooner with flowers.

This infuriates Spooner.

He belts the Russian with his stool.

Oh, but surely the referee wouldn't allow that.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is before they shake hands.

Because everyone starts booing Spooner

while-- while the Russian keeps blowing him kisses.

Poor Mr. Spooner.

No, no, no. You don't understand, Ms. Jones.

They're supposed to boo him.

He's the villain.

Doesn't he have any supporters?

Not many.

No, you see, they're the ones he spits at.

Well, what-- what do you say, Ms. Jones?

We could have a spot of supper afterwards maybe.

Well, I've just remembered, Mr. Rigsby,

I'm afraid I've got to work late tomorrow night.

Oh.

I hope you don't mind.

Of course not, Ms. Jones.

No, I quite understand.

It was very nice of you to ask me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Ms. Jones.

Was just a thought.

I mean, I can always get rid of the tickets.

No-- no bother there.

After all, it's all fixed, isn't it?

Right.

What do you think?

What about?

The earring.

Ah, yes.

It's not very big, is it?

Well, it don't need to be.

Catch it in anything, it'll tear your ear off.

Do you like it?

Yes.

Has Rigsby seen it?

No.

I keep covering it up with me hand.

Well, you know what he's like.

He thinks a signet ring is flashy.

You want a coffee?

I need something.

What's the matter?

I've just said good night to the most

beautiful girl I've ever met.

I left her with tears in her eyes.

- What happened? - Nothing.

That's the trouble.

Want to bring her back here, but how could

I with Rigsby prowling around?

Couldn't you-- couldn't you go back to her place?

No, she's in college.

It's driving me mad.

I've got a big scene going there.

Again?

What do you mean, again?

This is different.

I'd go through fire and flood for this girl.

What about a park?

And get covered in moss and dead leaves?

Thought you'd like the park--

just you and her under the stars, just like the jungle.

Would you stop talking about me

as if I were the last of the Mohicans?

As far as I'm concerned, the park's strictly for the ducks.

And what's the matter with Rigsby anyway?

Well, Ruth keeps turning him down.

It's making him bitter.

He's down there at the moment, asking her to go

to the wrestling with him.

She won't go, of course.

She thinks the main bout will be her versus Rigsby.

I think I'll tell him straight out,

I'm bringing a girl back here.

No, you do that, and you find your cases in the hall.

Besides, Ruth would have the vapors if you

brought a girl back here.

I'll tell you what.

What we ought to do is to get them two together.

And how do we do that?

We give Rigsby some advice.

[laughs] What sort of advice could you give him?

To make it with Ruth?

But you've never made it with anyone.

Yes, I have.

Alan I've never seen you with a girl.

Well, what about that girl who keeps following me?

What girl?

The one on the racing bike.

Oh, you can't count her.

She never dismounts.

Ah, she will, though.

She will.

You wait and see.

Besides, just because you've never seen me with a girl

don't mean to say I've never had one.

As a matter of fact, I'm getting over rather a big scene

at the moment.

Oh?

I didn't know.

I don't like to talk about it much.

It was pretty steamy while it lasted.

Heh.

Well, go on.

They say I was the reason she failed her O-levels.

You mean she was still in school?

And you're going to advise Rigby?

Look out.

Don't you think we need something,

like a body transplant?

Hey, do you want some-- do you want some coffee, Rigsby?

Oh, my guts are in a turmoil today.

Have you taken anything for it?

Deep breathing.

I'm afraid that's the only thing that helps,

deep breathing every morning.

You ought to see a doctor.

No, no.

You start worrying about your health, you've had it.

Had a bloke like that downstairs.

Thought his shoulder blades were deformed.

Kept asking me to look at them.

He spent hours trying to see them in the mirror.

By the time he'd finished, they were deformed.

Oh, that's better.

Rigsby, there's something I wanted to ask you.

My god, what's that?

- What? - On your ear.

Quick, something glinting.

What is it?

It's an earring.

An ear-- ooh.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

What's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it?

He looks like the Gypsy's warning.

Well, everybody's wearing them these days.

God help England.

That's all I can say.

Let's hope the Russians don't find out.

I could-- I could just see us all marching into battle

in bloody ear rings.

That'll really set a good impression with the enemy.

Well, Philip thinks it's all right.

Oh, he would.

He thinks a bone through the nose is all right.

Rigsby, I wanted to ask you--

Here.

Here's some tickets for the wrestling.

Ask me what?

It doesn't matter.

She turned you down, then, Rigsby?

Mind your own business.

I-- I-- I can't understand it.

I've tried everything with that woman.

Got some advice, Rigsby.

From you?

Who do you think you are, bachelor of the month?

Don't need your advice, f

Hey, Rigsby, you ought to get with it.

You ought to change your image.

Perhaps I should borrow your earring.

You know what I mean.

You mean medallions, don't you?

Shirt open, drinking Campari while some bird in a nighty's

helping you off with your boots.

Yeah.

Yeah, life's not like that.

No, she's too busy with good causes to worry about me.

That's it.

Yeah, see?

Too-- too busy worrying about his mates in Africa

to worry about me. That's the trouble, you see.

I'm not a good cause.

Oh, I don't know.

What about help the aged?

You know what you need?

What?

Charisma.

I'm not spraying myself with that stuff, mate.

No, charisma.

It means personal charm.

RUPERT RIGSBY: Oh, yes?

I've not noticed much charisma around here.

Look, Ruth doesn't want to go to the wrestling, does she?

Uh-huh.

Do you know what she'd really like?

What?

A nice, quiet evening at home listening to Matt Monro.

Who?

Matt Monro.

Well, I've got one of his records here.

Hey, why don't you take it down, give it a quick twirl,

get her in a nice, romantic mood,

and give her a gentle squeeze?

- Matt Monro. - Never fails.

Oh, I don't know.

She's a very sensitive woman.

My stomach being what it is, it rolls whenever I get near her.

Must put her off.

Hey, I've got just the thing.

What?

Here you are.

Take a couple of these.

What?

They'll calm you down and tone you up at the same time.

Hey, they haven't got any hormones in 'em, have they?

No.

You know, because that bloke down

the road, the one who got the cheap turkey at Christmas,

that was full of hormones.

Three days later, his wife had a deeper voice than he'd got.

I can assure, Rigsby, they're harmless.

Yeah?

All right.

I suppose they won't do any harm.

Here you are.

Take the bottle just in case.

Wait a minute, Rigsby.

What?

Oh, god.

Well, who did you say?

M-- m-- - Matt Monro.

Matt-- Matt-- Matt Monro.

[groans]

What were those tablets?

Oh, mild tranquilizers.

Perfectly harmless.

They'll slow him down, relax him.

Trouble is, he's put Ruth on a pedestal.

As long as you don't put him on a pedestal.

How did you get hold of them?

They were taken off the market.

I thought you said they were harmless.

Oh, they are.

They are.

It's just that they've got this sort of mild side effect.

PHILIP SMITH: What sort of side effect?

They turn your water green.

[knocking]

Oh, yes, Mr Rigsby?

Ah, Ms. Jones, I was wondering if you'd like to hear this--

this record, you see?

Matt Monro's latest.

Matt Monro?

Yes, I like him.

He does things to me.

Oh, good, good.

I'll-- I'll-- I'll slip it on, then.

Uh, where's the handle?

It works by electricity, Mr. Rigsby.

Ah, yes, of course.

Why don't you sit down, Ms. Jones?

Let it-- let it flow over you.

I didn't know you like listening

to records, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I-- I find it helps me to unwind, Ms. Jones.

You-- you find it helps you unwind?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose it does.

Oh, perhaps we can--

perhaps we can unwind together.

You-- you look-- you look very bewitching tonight, Ms. Jones.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

[slow motion singing]

No, I remember noticing before, you're a very--

very exciting woman, Ms. Jones.

Mr. Rigsby, the record.

Oh, yes.

I remember that time when you were sunbathing in the garden,

you know, just before the red ants got at you.

I remember-- I remember thinking then, there's an--

there's an exciting woman, I thought.

Yes, I-- I noticed you were leaning

on your spade a great deal.

Yes, well, I couldn't take my eyes off you.

I mean, we'd never had a--

a bikini in the garden before.

And I had to keep the boys off the fence, you know?

Yes.

Yes, I do understand. - Hmm.

- Mr. Rigsby? - Hmm?

The record.

Ah, yes.

Yes, I'm sorry.

God, no doubt about it, got a beautiful voice.

Mr. Rigsby, it's on the wrong speed.

I hope we're not going to have that sort of male chauvinism.

Whatever you may think, I am not a sex object,

nor do I abandon myself to the strains of Matt Monro.

I don't know who gave you that impression.

Mr. Rigsby?

- Have you seen Rigsby? - Yes.

Was he awake?

Oh, yes.

Good.

But he can't feel his teeth.

What?

He can't feel his teeth.

He's been to the doctor.

He's on his way up now.

Where is he?

Where is he?

Where do you think you're going?

What's the matter, Rigsby?

What's the matter?

You say that after nearly poisoning me?

You're exaggerating.

I was drugged to the eyeballs.

I slept for 24 hours.

I still can't feel me teeth.

And do you know what else?

Do you know what I found when I went to the bathroom?

My water's turned green.

Green?

Bright green.

I went to the doctor with those tablets.

He told me they're for women in early pregnancy.

Do I look as if I'm in early pregnancy?

I'd sue you if you'd got any money.

Of course, you finished me with Ms. Jones.

You realize that, don't you?

She thinks I'm stark raving mad, and I don't blame her.

My god, why'd I have to listen to you?

I was only trying to be helpful.

What do you know about the opposite sex?

If a woman so much as looked at you, you'd have a nosebleed.

The only thing you've ever taken to bed

is your Mickey Mouse hot water bottle.

As a matter of fact, Rigsby, I'm seeing a woman tonight.

Listen, listen, listen.

I think he lives in a dream world.

I don't think these women exist.

Sometimes, I don't think you exist.

I think you come out the bloody wallpaper.

Well, I am seeing a woman tonight.

Hey, you believe me, don't you, Philip?

[giggles]

Well, I am, anyway.

Never mind, Rigsby.

There'll be another time.

I don't know.

I'm not so sure.

It's all right for you.

Your lot out in Africa, it's different out there.

You lead a more natural life out there.

You're closer to nature.

I haven't been close to nature since last Christmas.

I wasn't all that close then.

I-- I just don't seem to get any chances these days.

Why not?

I don't know.

There was this woman at the pub.

They all said, ooh, whatever you do, don't give her a lift home.

She'll interfere with you.

You know, she was-- she was to interfere with you

while you were driving.

So I gave her a lift home.

What happened?

Nothing.

She was a washout.

Just talked about her feet.

Have you thought about doing sideboards, Rigsby?

Yes, I don't think I've got the strength.

[stammering] What would you do if you were in my position?

How'd you mean?

Well, what would you do in your country?

We're a primitive people, Rigsby.

I don't think we could teach you anything.

I'm desperate. Time's running out.

I'll try anything.

In my country, if a man was in your position,

he'd get the wood of the love tree.

He would burn it outside the girl's hut.

And when she smelt the smoke, she would appear at the door.

He'd look deep into her eyes, and she

would fall in love with him.

Just like that?

Just like that.

Haven't got any of this wood, have you?

Why? Would you like some?

I'm not saying I believe in it, of course.

Anything's worth a try, though, isn't it?

I'll do you a favor sometime, Philip.

That may be sooner than you think, Rigsby.

Uh, Philip, you remember that stuff we were

talking about the other day?

You haven't got any-- any of it knocking about, have you,

at the moment?

Oh, yes.

Oh, good, good.

[sighs]

Hey, this has been planed.

Everything's commercial these days, Rigsby.

[sexy growling]

What was all that about?

I've given Rigsby some love wood.

He's going to burn it outside Ruth's hut.

Will it work?

I shouldn't think so.

It came off the wardrobe.

This is it, Maureen.

You mean you live up here?

Where do you keep your oxygen?

You get used to it.

Yeah, come and sit down.

Aren't you forgetting summat?

In here?

You could have left it downstairs, you know.

We're perfectly respectable.

Oh, that's not what I've heard.

Who's your friend?

I told you, I'm a doctor.

Who is he, one of your patients?

Why don't you--

why don't you sit down?

Hey, what about a drink?

Yeah.

Here you are.

Ta-da!

[blows off dust] Now, then, what'll you have?

Nothing, thanks.

Rather have a drink from me canisters.

You know, you look very young for a doctor.

Yeah.

A lot of people have said that.

I have been taken for a student.

Yeah, sometimes in the operating theater, I can hear them say,

good god, you're not to let that boy cut me open, are you?

Why are you whispering?

No, I'm not whispering.

It's-- it's just that I've got a low voice.

Are you frightened of the landlord?

Rigsby?

No, no, no, no.

He-- he knows his place.

No, you-- you have to humor him like.

He-- a bit simple.

He had a bad w*r.

You bang a paper bag in front of Rigsby,

and he'll be straight over this chair.

Do you want a sweet?

They don't look like sweets.

They look like the things me sister had.

Turned her water green.

Um, yeah, how about a record?

Oh, yeah.

- Do you like Matt Monro? - Yes.

Good.

[record playing]

Just-- just let it flow over you.

Flow over me?

I can hardly hear it.

Well, we don't want to wake everybody up, do we?

What's that in your ear?

It's-- it's an earring.

They're very fashionable these days.

Yeah, I know.

Our coalman's got one.

His went septic.

Hey, [sniffs] can you smell burning?

Look, why don't you just relax and enjoy the music?

Hey, what's your game?

What do you mean?

Listen, doctor, when I want you to examine me,

I'll let you know.

No, no, no, no, no.

I wasn't examining you.

Well, what are you doing then?

Trying to guess me weight?

Hey, why-- why-- why do you-- why do you

ride that bike all the time?

Oh, it's me, dad.

He doesn't like me going with boys, so he follows me.

It's the only way I can out-distance him.

He says the first boy who touches me

he's going to wring his neck.

Oh.

What was that?

What?

Well, it sounded like someone coming upstairs.

Quick, under the bed.

You what?

Might be the landlord.

He gets-- he hasn't seen a woman.

Alan, can you smell burning?

No.

I've been smelling it all evening.

It's very strong on the stairs.

Are you sure it's not coming from in here?

Perhaps it's coming from Spooner's room.

Well, you better go and have a look.

Well--

We don't want to go up in flames, do we?

Well--

Hurry up.

Go on.

[sniffing]

Well, what's that?

This is a piece of wood.

I can see that, Mr. Rigsby.

Stop wafting it around.

You'll start a fire.

I'll start a fire, all right, Ms. Jones.

Have you noticed anything yet?

Yes, the most appalling smell.

Yeah.

This isn't ordinary wood, you know?

It's special. Yeah.

Breathe in.

Go on, see what happens.

I don't know what you've got in mind, Mr. Rigsby,

but nothing's going to happen.

Give way to it, Ms. Jones. Don't fight it.

Give way to it.

Give way to it.

I have no intention of giving way to it.

Please extinguish your stick.

RUPERT RIGSBY: Ms. Jones.

I'm sorry, but this is one fire you can't quench, Ms. Jones.

We'll certainly see about that.

Well?

What happened?

Nothing.

Nothing happened.

It's a washout, bloody washout.

What was?

You mind your own business.

What's that doing here?

What?

What?

That, that, that!

You know I don't allow bikes.

Now, come on, get it out. Come on.

I suppose I've got tire marks all over the lino, have I?

Come on, get it out before I kick your spokes in.

MAUREEN: You leave that bike alone.

What?

You leave my bike alone.

Oh, so that's it.

You've got a woman in.

And you've been drinking.

No, she only drinks from that canister.

Oh, yes, don't you give me that.

You didn't bring her by just to ring her bell, mate.

You've been having an orgy, haven't you?

Hey?

That's what you've-- the only thing I can't make

out is what the bike's for.

I think we better go, Maureen.

Oh, I wouldn't let him talk to you like that if I were you,

even if he is simple.

Simple?

Miss, who do you think I am?

Well, if he's a doctor, you must be his body snatcher.

A doctor?

Body snatcher?

Listen, I'm the [indistinct]-- get her out of here before I

bend that bike round her neck.

Oh, don't worry. I'm going.

You can keep old golden earring.

Wouldn't be seen dead with him.

Ah, that's charisma, is it?

Can't win them all.

Oh, you don't win any of them.

I win more than you.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'd have been all right.

I could feel it in me water if it hadn't been for this.

Rigsby, about that favor.

Oh, yes?

Yes.

I have a girl outside.

Have you?

Yes.

She's very cold out there, Rigsby.

Is she? Must be.

It's bitter, isn't it? Yes, yes.

I wondered if I could possibly, you know,

bring her up here, you know? - Did you?

PHILIP SMITH: Yes. - Yes?

Well, let me put your mind at rest.

You cannot bring her up here.

She can stay up there and bloody well freeze!

That's what she can do, you and your love wood.

As if Ms. Jones would fall for that, a woman of her refinement.

All it did was make her eyes water.

Is it any wonder? Look at that.

Hey, smell that.

God, what a stink.

You can tell that comes from Africa, all right.

It doesn't come from Africa, Rigsby.

RUPERT RIGSBY: Eh, what?

It came off the wardrobe.

The wardrobe?

I'm burning me own furniture!

[theme music]

[yelling]

[applause]