01x02 - Black Magic

[bunniefuu]

[fanfare]

[whimsical music]

Rigsby, do you have to creep up behind me like that?

Because you never get tired of looking at yourself, do you?

You wear that mirror out the way you're going on.

I was just running a comb through it.

You were trying to make your eyebrow go up

and down again, weren't you? - No.

Yes, you were.

I could tell.

You look as if you were having a fit.

You won't get a woman that way.

As a matter of fact, this detached, cynical expression

pulls the birds.

I get quite a few looks.

I'm not surprised.

They're probably waiting for someone to throw a net over you.

Well, there's nothing wrong with having an expressive face,

Rigsby. It shows character.

Cobblers.

All right. All right.

How do you suggest I express my character?

Why don't you go out and get yourself tattooed?

That's what we used to do.

Tattooed?

Yes.

Is that your idea of expressing yourself?

I suppose I'd look better with a dancing girl all over my chest.

The only way I'll ever get one there.

Not anymore.

I decided to change my image.

Well, I'm very glad to hear that.

Hey, is this new image going to clean the bath out after him?

I've been neglecting myself long enough.

You can let yourself go without noticing it.

Hey, hey.

This new image wouldn't happen to do with our friend here,

would it? - No why should it?

Because that's his jacket you're wearing.

Oh, well, I just thought I'd try it on.

Hey, that's not the only thing you're trying on as well.

What do you mean?

Well, I understand you've been telling Ms. Jones the conditions

appear too disgusting.

Well, as a matter of fact, Rigsby, we feel that--

Uh-oh, we feel?

"We."

He's only been here five minutes, and it's "we feel."

Yes, I knew he'll cause trouble.

It's not causing trouble.

It's just that Philip feels that it's a bit overcrowded up here.

Overcrowded?

He's never known luxury like it.

I told you, never had a pair of shoes until he came here.

Not again!

The pinch in his feet, you can tell.

He has them off as soon as he can.

They've got to feel the ground under the toes.

He's the son of a chief.

Those shoes he wears are made.

All right.

So he's a son of a chief!

All that means is his model is a bit bigger

than all the other models.

Anyway, I wouldn't get too attached to me if I were you.

Who said I was attached to him?

I notice you haven't gone home this weekend.

Well, you know what it's like at my parents'

place Saturday nights.

Either rug-making or insulating the roof.

Well, at least Philip is interesting.

What's interesting about him?

Well, he's a son of a chief.

Yes, we know.

We know.

He's got 10 wives.



Bloody hell!

Of course, marriage doesn't mean the same to them, does it?

They get married whenever there's a hurricane.

They think God's angry with them.

Yes.

Well, I'm going to keep a very close eye on him.

He's already been making himself a nuisance with Ms. Jones,

hanging around, flashing his teeth at her.

You're not jealous, are you?

RIGSBY: Of course, I'm not jealous.

She wouldn't give him a second look.

No white woman out there might have quite a lot of status.

We don't know how many bags of salt she might be worth.

You watch your tongue.

I can see her now going down to the river.

Few oaks around her neck.

Pile of washing on her head.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

As if she'd get involved with anybody like him.

Phillip, you promised to come down last night.

What happened?

I couldn't.

Rigsby was painting your door.

I know.

That was the fifth coat.

I think he suspects.

He even paints the doorknob.

You see, we must be careful.

There's only one answer, I must come to you.

No.

I mean, what about Allan?

Well, he always goes home on Fridays.

I know.

I'll bring a nice bottle of wine,

and we can have one of our long talks.

I mean, what about?

About us, Philip.

We've got to see if we can make it work.

Make what work?

Black on white, Philip.

Don't do that. - Do what?

Roll your eyes like that.

It's not nice.

You did that last night.

Good heavens anyone would think you were bored.

Only daddy could see me now.

He must be rotating in his grave.

PHILIP SMITH: Why?

He wanted to keep Britain white.

Perhaps we should respect his memory.

Oh Philip.

No, we must live our own lives.

We must defy convention.

I just--

I must go, Ruth.

Do you mind if I just check your paintwork

while I'm here, Ms. Jones?

I thought it might need another coat.

It's had five already, Mr. Rigsby.

Uh, so now, Ms. Jones, but it's grown in for it.

Must you do it at midnight?

Well, it's the best time.

There's nobody knocking about then.

At least there shouldn't be.

I thought you went home for the weekend.

No, not every weekend.

You don't mind, do you?

No, not at all.

Rigsby is going to paint through the door.

Not again.

He says it's groaning for it.

It's not the door that's groaning for it.

He's getting worse.

It's worse than being in college.

We won't be able to do any entertaining, you know.

Do you mean women?

Yeah.

You're not against them, are you?

Not against them often enough.

I'm quite active in that respect.

Yeah, I thought you might be.

Why?

Pardon.

Why do you think that?

Oh, well, I didn't think you'd have my inhibitions.

I've got inhibitions you haven't even heard of.

They say you've got 10 wives.

Yes.



Don't you find 10 a bit intimidating?

No.

It's like driving in traffic.

You only see the one in front.

Are you circumcised?

No, I was only asking.

Are you?

Yes.

I am rotten, ain't it?

You should have it done when you're 13

in the bush with a blunt knife.

Is it painful?

It does make your eyes water a little.

I suppose it's a custom, is it?

They're mad about it in my country.

They even do the girls.

OK.

How do they do that?

I don't know.

I don't stare quite as hard as you do.

Sorry.

I could do with a little more privacy around here.

You're right.

Nobody ever comes up here. - Oops!

Mind your backs.

Don't you ever knock, Rigsby?

Give me the key to that door.

We don't need keys.

At least we didn't.

Besides, I've got no--

I've got no access.

But we can't even lock the bathroom door.

We have to wedge a chair against it.

I told you, if you're in there, all you got to do

is keep whistling.

We can't whistle all the time.

What's the matter, frightened someone's going

to come in and sink your boats?

We have a right to some privacy.

Oh, I suppose you're used to better things, aren't you?

That wouldn't be difficult.

There's something I don't understand about you, sunshine.

If you're the son of a chief, why are you called Smith?

That's not my real name.

Of course it isn't.

So what's your real name?

I can't tell you that.

My real name is known only to the elders.

You see, my people believe that if a man has your name,

that he can harm you.

That he can take your name and work evil with it.

Yeah, we got people like that in this country.

They call them the police.

Rigsby, you don't understand.

Philip's name's taboo.

Well, if his name is taboo, why can't he say so?

Why be so secretive about it?

I think he's just trying to get away from those 10 wives.

[laughs] 10 wives!

I've never heard anything like it.

Why shouldn't I have 10 wives?

I'm not poor. I'm not sick.

Well, I think it's indecent.

And I'm surprised the missionaries

didn't put a stop to it. - Missionaries?

- Yeah. - We don't need missionaries.

Well, why not?

Because I happen to be a god, that's why not.

You what?

He's joking.

You ask my people.

They don't think it's a joke.

I-- I--

I don't know if you can say that.

He's got the nerve to say that.

It's a sense of wonder he doesn't strike you down dead.

I suppose it's some kind of primitive belief, is it?

No, it isn't.

It's simply that my people believe

that I've inherited certain supernatural powers

from our ancestors.

RIGSBY: Oh, yes.

But you're not dealing with ignorant savages now, mate.

You're dealing with educated white men.

And I can prove you're not a god.

Do a miracle.

What?

[chuckles] You won't do a miracle.

If you've got magic powers, what are those dirty pots

doing in the sink?

I should have thought you'd had those washings.

Come on, Mary Poppins, what are you hanging about for?

My powers relate mainly to the forest

and the hunting of animals.

I bet they do.

That's very convenient, isn't it?

I have to be careful.

It's quite a responsibility.

Sometimes I only have to look at a person

and something unpleasant happens, especially

when they've annoyed me.

The result can be quite horrible.

What do you mean horrible?

Well, we don't want you turning into a frog,

do we, Rigsby?

[mumbles]

Like I believe all that.

You don't frighten me, mate.

[laughs] Then why don't you tell me to falcon.

Give me the evil eye.

Strike me down.

What's that?



Hey, you see, you can't do anything because you're dealing

with 20th century man-made, not some relic from the Stone Age.

All right.

I'll work a miracle.

You what?

Well, what's all he said?

No, he's got that out.

Ooh!

This spear belonged to my ancestors.

It has considerable power.

What are you going to do, Philip?

I'm going to make something appear.

But you must be very still.

Hey.

[banging]

What's supposed to happen?

Nothing.

Shh!

It agenda nothing.

Nothing's going to happen?

[screams] Oh dear, I seem to have come to the wrong room.

I'm terribly sorry.

There must be all those little red tablets I'm taking.

Excuse me!

[whimsical music playing]

Is it raining?

Don't think so.

Do you like England, Philip?

It's all right.

What do you like best?

I think the telephone boxes.

They're rather nice.

A little.

I like the swimming pools.

I suppose that's because there are no crocodiles.

Do you have many crocodiles in your country then?

Well, there's more water than land in my country,

and more crocodiles than people.

Do they attack you?

Of course, they attack you.

What do you think they do, swim up and give you a big kiss?

What do you do?

You wrestle with them.

Can you smell paint?

Hang on.

Hello, Rigsby, painting in the doorway?

Yes, just give it a quick--

[mumbles]

You two never stop reading, do you?

We got exams.

We use our brains too much.

How danger of that from you, Rigsby.

Nothing wrong with my brain, mate.

I passed the scholarship.

I didn't know that.

Never went.

Of course.

We were a very poor family.

My environment was against me.

Never stood a chance at the interview.

Not in gumboots.

What's wrong with gumboots?

Nothing when it's raining.

In the middle of a heatwave, they look rather ridiculous.

See, we were very poor.

Couldn't afford shoes.

And wearing gumboots right through the year,

it branded you, especially around the back of the leg.

And children can be very cruel.

They used to pour water in them.

I spent most of the day squirting around the classroom.

No, I never stood a chance.

Yes, they gave my place to a kid named Porter.

His parents had money.

They took him up in an aeroplane to cure his whooping cough.

All I got was a walk around the gasworks.

I see you soaking up the White man's knowledge.

They're always criticizing us, but they know where

to come for a decent education.

Cradle of civilization in this country.

And what part of our rich island heritage are you taking back?

I'm specializing in town and country planning.

RIGSBY: Now, I know.

I mean, there's a real demand for that in the jungle.

One thing the cry out for is a regular dustbin collection.

You know what I plan to do with the jungle, Rigsby?

No, well.

I'm going to tarmac it.

[laughs] Tarmac it?

[laughs]

Well, the worst parts.

What do you think?

Well, I suppose it's an idea, yes.

A masterstroke.

Picture it.

Where there was once only the mosquito,

there'll be trees growing out of black velvet tarmac.

There'll be fluorescent streetlights,

white lines, bus shelters, litter baskets, car parks.

Can you see it, Rigsby?

It should look very nice.

And, of course, zebra crossings.

Oh, very funny.

Do you think you're very clever?

You think I believe all that stuff last night,

did you, all about magic and supernatural powers

of being a god?

Just because Ms. Jones accidentally,

in a fit of absent mindedness, came into this room,

which was pure coincidence.

Is that why you're painting the door?

Look, you see, you've just done a capitalize on it.

Look, I'm not superstitious, mate.

Listen, I defied you last night.

I defy you now.

Come on, why don't you turn me into a frog?

Turn me into a horrible monster.

A frog would be easier.

RIGSBY: Shut up.

Come on.

Come on.

Well, you can't, can you?

Because it's all in the mind.

[laughs]

[screams]

[laughter]

Are you going out?

Yes.

Thought I might go out tonight.

There's a good film on at the Plaza.

I heard they're going to close off in the first 10 minutes.

But I suppose you thought of going yourself.

No.

We could go to the Fleapit.

They're showing Zulu again.

Perhaps not.

Have you got any ideas?

I've got a date.

If you're on your own--

No, no, no.

I could always go and see one of my birds.

Trouble is, I usually go home on the weekends.

Why don't you take Ruth to the pictures?

Ruth?

She wouldn't like close off in the first 10 minutes.

She wouldn't come.

Why don't you ask her?

I think she likes you.

Does she?

Nah, she's older than me.

But more experienced.

Ms. Jones?

She's so reserved.

You'd be surprised.

We have a flower in my country.

It's very remote, very inaccessible.

You have to climb the mountain to see it.

It only flowers once every 10 years.

But when it does--

As good as that?

All I can say is it's well worth the climb.

Hey, Darling.

My God, you've got a captivating smile!

Can I have the pleasure of the next dance?

Come here often?

I can recommend the food.

They've got the best smoked salmon in London.

Are you slimming?

Gotta be careful.

You can't go too far.

Oh, you like the jacket!

Got it in the King's Road.

Simply had to have it.

Rigsby.

You morbid sod.

I'll be taking you away if you go on like this.

I think it's about time I wrote to your father.

Time you got back to the rug-making.

Hey, where's Merlin?

Left you on your own, didn't he?

Matter of fact, he's got a date.

A date!

Well, he's not bringing her back here.

Not even Ms. Jones tormented by creaking bed springs.

Very noisy, those beds.

You can hear them all over the house, even

when the trains are passing.

Well, it's not like that.

You think he's marvelous, don't you?

I think he's interesting.

Interesting!

Look, listen, mate.

Look, I went right through the desert, through Italy.

That's interesting.

I could tell you tales to make your hair stand on end.

You didn't believe all that stuff last night,

did you, about superstition and magic powers?

Well, didn't you?

I wasn't taking him for a minute.

He said he'd make something appear.

Not Ms. Jones.

That was just pure coincidence.

Getting Ms. Jones up here in the night.

It was more than a coincidence.

It was a miracle.

You're supposed to be a medical man.

You believe anything.

Well, speaking as a medical man,

I know that there are a lot of things that we

don't know anything about.

I see miracles in the wards every day.

We know so little.

You're telling me--

remember that bloke who collapsed in the basement.

You examined him, pronounced life extinct.

Three hours later, he starts snoring.

We all make mistakes.

Including your mother.

Philip!

At last.

But I never knew you cared.

Allan, what do you think you're doing?

Did Philip put you up to this?

No.

Well, where is he?

He's gone out.

He's so inconsiderate sometimes.

You wouldn't believe we're almost engaged, would you?

No.

We're trying to keep it quiet, actually.

You know what people are like.

I don't know what daddy would think.

Haven't you told him.

No, I can't.

He's no longer with us.

Did he move?

No, he's dead.

He died three years ago on Guy Fawkes Night.

He had a heart attack in the street.

People kept stepping over him.

They thought he was a guy.

[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean--

Oh, no, don't worry.

I'm sure he has seen the funny side of it too.

He had a marvelous sense of humor.

I must say, I'm surprised Philip hasn't said anything to you.

But then you don't really know him.

He can say such wonderful things.

I'll never forget that night, he said,

I was a pool without water.

And he said I had the skin of fruit and beautiful milk.

Well, that's very basic, isn't it?

Well, I think the bit about the milk is basic.

Yes, I knew you'd understand.

Benghazi was the--

I can't stop chattering here all night.

Good night, Allan. - Good night, Ms. Jones.

Good night, Mr. Rigsby.

Nice to see you.

What was she doing up here?

Just brought something up.

Brought something.

Was it the butter?

Yeah.

You liar.

I knew you were up to something.

That's why you wanted to stay here this weekend, isn't it?

What do you mean?

You've been planning this all along.

You students are all the same, sex mad.

How do you know she came to see me?

What do you mean?

Well, I'm not the only one who lives here, am I?

What?

Are you-- sorry, slander now, is it?

As if she'd get herself involved with anybody like that.

She's a woman of refinement, mate.

Have you seen that woman's washing?

She still wears harvest festivals.

All is safely gathered in.

Try cast any aspersions at her, mate.

A good man to fill you in.

Stand back, Rigsby. Stand back.

Do you know what's in this bottle?

- What? - Micro-organisms.

Millions of them, enough to wipe out a whole city.

I only have to remove the stopper.

I don't believe you.

There are millions of them, Rigsby.

And not one of them overlapping.

I can't see anything.

You won't see anything.

But they're there, just the same.

They'll come slopping out at you.

All I have to do is remove the stopper.

In 10 minutes, you'll be foaming at the mouth.



Don't you come near me with that thing then.

Get-- oh god!

[crying]

Salad cream!

I might have known.

You.

Mumbo jumbo.

[banging]

[whimsical music, applause]