02x32 - Episode 32

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Good afternoon, Bedmark.

I need help with this adjustable bed I

bought off you people. What's the matter

with it?I'm stuck in it.

Really?They folded up on me here

and I can't get out of it.

Is there somebody there that can help you?

My wife can't hear me 'cause she's

got the TV on and she's hard

of hearing. Yeah, I was

watching a program.

on the Discovery Channel

about gorillas. Yeah. And

I tried to turn up the volume,

but my feet kept going up. And

my neck went up, too. And

now I'm suffocating

between the pillows here. I

guess just hit the button that says down.

My neck is where my head should

be. And my knees

are up in my throat here. Well, I don't

know what to tell ya. I'm tasting

myself here. How How did you,

how did you happen to call this phone

number?Don't get wise at me, young fella.

Help me out here. I don't know what to

do. I mean, push some other button.

I don't know what to do either here.

Hold on a second. I'm gonna push this

button. Well,

That's the

wrong way. That's the wrong one.

What kind of a device you people building

here?Well, we didn't build it. Somebody

could get k*lled like this. My

foot is right near my

face right now and

my bedpair tipped over.

Head over here right away. I can't lock

the store up and run over there. My

grandson's an attorney and I'm gonna sue

you people. Call 911.

Oh, ohh that's a good idea. Yeah. All

right, I'll call you back tomorrow. Okay.

All right.

Thank you for calling Vitex. How may I

help you?Hi, I've got some sperm that

I'd like to bring in to be tested as soon

as possible. Is it from a patient?

Kind of, my boyfriend. Okay. It's

just, I know he's gonna propose tonight,

and I just, I wanted to make sure before

I jump into something like that, that,

you know, we're not gonna have babies

with two heads, or or no babies, or...

Oh, I understand. If I want to get, to

get it fresh and everything, I just, I

don't want him to know. I just, so if

he's sleeping, isn't there a button if I

go in from behind in his

anusThere's like a button that makes it

just come out, right?I don't

know. Hold on just a minute. I can ask.

Oh, great. OK. Hold on.

Hi, this is Christine. Can I help you?Hi.

I was on with somebody before. Yeah,

actually, it was Caroline, and she was

trying to tell me what you wanted. Um,

if you. Massage the prostate. He's going

to wake up and know. I don't want him to

know. I just, I don't want him to know.

You know, it's just that if he's Swedish

and my mom had told me that a lot of

Swedes have low sperm count and have

things right. If he was Mexican, I

wouldn't worry at all, you know. No, I've

never heard that about the Swedish

people, but well, how would you recommend

getting it out without him knowing

or you know, like I have this

sock and I he just.

Furiously masturbated into, and I know I

could bring that in, you know, I mean,

see, once it's been on that sock for any

length of time, they're dead to begin

with. I mean, we'd have to actually try

and put this back underneath the

microscope and look at it that way. What

if I and all you would see is just

whether he had sperm cells or not. Wow.

Is there a way that you could come by and

help me get it out of him?Uh, no.

I'm not a professional to begin with. I

mean, I'm. Well, you seem to know a lot

about sperm. I've just, I've worked here



a sample in from my hair?I could cut it

out or we could kind of

strain it out. Yeah, I don't. I don't

even know if you could do that. Is sperm

kosher?Technically kosher. As in you mean

like Jewish kosher?Yeah. Yeah

To do what with it?I mean, if I were to,

you know, put it in my mouth, drink it,

you knowOh, if I brought it in my mouth,

I could kind of incubate it until I get

there. Keep it warm. No, that

no, noBecause then you have saliva and

all that mixed with it. The man's

going to know, no matter what you're

doing, he's going to know it. If you

massage the prostate or anything else.

What if I give him a massage and then

during the massage I happen to do that?He

would still know. No, right, right,

right, right, right, rightThere's really

nothing more I can help you with and I

really need to get back to work. Well,

you've been no help. OK, thanks. Thanks a

lot for nothing.

Boots. Is this Boots and Saddle?Right

here. My name's d*ck Rogers, do you hear?

You out there?close your pie, hold and

open your ears, bubba. I've ever got a

bone to pick with you. Listen, I'm at

your establishment last night, and these

fellas keep looking at me, they keep

hagling me. I got a hunch your clubs

lousy with sweet fellas if you catch my

drift. I'm a friend. I mean, then you

pick the wrong establishment. Let me tell

you something. Where I come from, a fella

goes to a bar to throw back a bourbon or

two, watch a ball game, maybe talk to a

pretty lady. Your joints served me my

bourbon with a paper umbrella at a

Streisand picture on the set, and the

only lady I talk to was named Carl. What

gives?I tell you, what gives?

Where's all the skirts and Dames?I have

no idea. I don't like women. I don't look

at women. I don't need women. Well,

fella, I need women like I need booze.

I'll tell you that right now. And every

red blooded male that I've ever met says

the same. Well, I'm a red blooded male.

I'm a taxpaying, hardworking man, and I

like. I don't like the cut of your jib,

fella. You probably wouldn't be able to

your way out of a paper bag. I can my way

out of a cardboard box. Well, if you got

big muscles and a big, why don't you come

on in?What's your sign?

You see there?Oh, wait a minute. What the

hell is going on?See, this is what you

people do, isn't it?All the bars in this

town and I got to walk into this Sissy

hole. Why, I ought to. I'm slightly

intrigued, but that don't mean nothing.

You understand?Well, if you're slightly

intrigued, why don't you come on in?My

name is Ed. I'm a pretty muscular guy. I

got a pretty big c**k myself. You're

felching up the wrong leg, fella, let me

tell you. Come on. You're probably

getting a little b*ner right now. My God,

I haven't had this feeling since summer

camp. You see there, buddy. Why don't you

come on in and explore?This is crazy. d*ck

You like Dames. You understand. You like

Dames. It's OK to like guys too. Oh,

look, my Maltese Falcon is doing a

military salute. You see there?Come on

in, buddy. No, no, noWhat?What's your

name?My name is Ed. Why don't you come on

in?And next thing you know, when

somebody's, you know, looking down at

your w*nk*r and your w*nk*r is feeling

good. Ed, would you do me a favor?Would

you say w*nk*r one more time?WankerWould

you say it again?WankerWould you say it

again, Ed?WankerEd, would you say it one

more time?WankerOh, God. Oh, God.

What was that?What just happened?What in

God's name just happened?Oh, God. Brand

new pair of loafers. Good God. Uh,

you see there?You knew you wanted to do

that. Ed, let me tell you something. I'm

going to come down there and make out

with you. But I want you to do something.

I want you to keep those g*y guys away

from me, all right?That sounds like such

a great idea. I'll be the straightest guy

who ever nailed you in the , Ed. Explore

those feelings and come on in. Ed, thanks

a lot. You're welcome.

Goodbye, Ed.

Hey, baby, yeah. Damn.

This is Kelly. Kelly, my name's

Burcham. I'd like to be hired on for the

mall Santa position. Oh

What?Actually, I have a stand already.

Let me ask you a hypothetical. What if

something awful was to happen to this guy?

Let's not let that happen. Well, I'm not

saying it's going to happen. And God

forbid I wish it upon no man. But let's

just say he was driving his car and

someone cut his brake lines. Oh, my

goodness. You need a backup, don't you?

Yeah, you need a backup. This guy sits

there for a few hours. His lap falls

asleep. He urinates on himself. You

better go to the bullpen, sweet cheeks.

Uh-huhNow listen to me. I'm qualified. I

love kids. I love Christmas.

I love eggnogs and Vicodin. I love it

all. All you need is a chair,

huhThat's all I need. Watch, watchJust

try this. Watch.

What's your name?Kelly. Have you been

naughty or nice?I've been very nice. Very

nice. What do you want?I want a

pony. Pony.

Alrighty. Alrighty. There you go.

And you're set. Next. Who's next?

OK, so let's say I need a backup. Where

can I contact you at?Well, let me tell

you something. I'm everywhere and

nowhere. I'm like the wind, baby.

That's how I know whether you've been

naughty or nice. And I know you've been

naughty, too. I have not. You tried to

pass that nice crap off on old Saint

Nick, but he knows what you've been

doing. Whatever. He knows what's in your

underwear drawer, baby. Yeah, I didn't

give you that toy, did I?No. NoMaybe I

give you some C cell Duracells this year,

huhNot so much. HuhYou need some new

batteries?Maybe I know what goes

on. You're lonely, lonely woman.

I come over there, pull my beard down and

get to business. I know when you're

sleeping. I know when you're awake. Come

on. And I know when you got that

jackhammer out of your nightstand and

you're working on yourself. Like some bad

Caltrans project. You're horrible. Oh,

yeah. But you like it, don't you, baby?

No. All right, baby. Merry Christmas.

I'll be coming up your chimney soon. I

don't think my husband would appreciate

that. I'll take care of him. I'll cut his

brake lines. OK. All right.

Library. Hi. Is this the library?

Yes, it is. I need help with my

homework. What do you need?I just need

to look up two words in the dictionary.

OK, What do you need to look up?

Hospitable. OK.

I've got a dictionary right in front of

me here, so I'm looking-- Oh, that's

great. OK.

Hospitable means receiving and

entertaining guests in a friendly

fashion. OK, next

word. OK. What is it?

BitchAnd why do you want to know that

one?It's for my homework.

And how do you spell it?b*tch

OK, that's a female

dog. Oh, that's weird.

Doesn't sound like that. That's what it

is, though, 'cause my dad said if my mom

yelled at him one more time, he's

gonna put that b*tch in the hospitable.

Oh, in the hospital?No, in the

hospitable. Well, that

wasn't very nice, was it?That doesn't

sound like your homework, does it?No, no,

I don't think so. I was just yanking your

crank. I can tell. You've been very

nice, though. Maybe when I get older, I

will hire you to work for me. I don't

think so. You're very hospitable.

Bye-bye. Thanks, b*tch

Hello?John?Yes. John, this is Adam

Corolla. How you doing, Adam?It's Doctor

Drew too. Hey, Doctor Drew. John, I'll

tell you what we're doing and why we're

calling. We're banking some phone calls

for the best of shows that we run over

the holidays. Uh So we'll just do the

call same way we normally do. And

you just jump in with your problem and

we'll just take it from there. All right.

Roll tape. John, you're



problem?About two weeks ago, my

girlfriend and I decided we're going to

get married and everybody was fine with

it except for my mother. And she's she's

going crazy about it. And what's the

problem she has?She just, she can't

believe that I'm I'm only 21 and I'm

already getting married. Stop tape. It'd

be great if there was a bigger problem.

It'd be great if there was something like

drugs, alcohol, pot, heroin, you know

what I mean?Why?Because we're doing,

we're doing bad stuff. Oh, OK. All right.

Let's take it from Drew asking if there's

any other problems. We'll splice it

together. Roll tape. So, John, anything

else going on in your life that your mom

might be concerned with that she wants

you to sort of sort out before you get

married?Well, I mean, it started about

three years ago. What'd you do?Did a

little bit of LSD and then we started

doing a little bit of speed. A little bit

of speed. A little bit of speed. That's

what I thought. God knows what he did

to get the money for the drugs, Drew. You

know what I'm saying?No, they never went

that far. They never went that far. Stop

tape. John. Yeah. I think turning

tricks, male prostitution, something like

that. Roll tape. John, you must

you must have had to do some horrific

things in order to feed that drug habit

of yours in order to get the money. Yes?

Yeah. I moved to Atlanta and.

And escorting men or women?Women. No men.

No men. I mean, stop tape. Come on. Women

do not use male escorts. They just don't.

Let's just pick it up again. Escorting

women or men?Both. You know, I had to

do the God thing every now and then. Stop

tape. Just men. Believe me, it's a more

provocative call. Straight men. No, not

straight men. Straight men. g*y men. OK,

ready. Escort for women

or for men?For males. Males.

And how many men would you see in an

evening?Maybe three or four.

I mean, enough to support the habit. Put

a little food in my mouth. You had more

food in your mouth, brother. Were you the

receptive partner or the pitcher?More

often the giver than the taker. Stop

tape. John. Yes. If you were the taker

more often, it would probably be more

provocative for our listeners. All right,

keep going. So giver or taker?I was the

taker. That's what I figured. You sicken

me. Excuse me, I've got to go. I'm gonna

vomit. You made Drew vomit for the first

time ever. Really. On the show?Oh, great.

Thanks, John. Thanks for trying to help.

Good luck.

Hello. Hi. Are you the paranormal

investigators?Yes, we are. Hi.

How are you doing?Good. How are you?Not

too bad. Good. What is your name?Jay

Burkhardt. OK. I think that

there is something in my house.

It's been going on for probably about 6

weeks now. Interesting. And it's weird

because I just got implants like 6 weeks

ago, so I don't know if that has anything

to do with it. An implant. Yeah. Of

what?Oh, implant. Like breast implants.

Alrighty then. Well, this is a

interesting one. OK, go on. Well, OK,

here's here's what's been happening. It

gets, OK, the lights start flickering. It

gets very cold. And then I feel, I feel

hands on my breasts. And The thing

is, it's really not bothering me. I'd

like to actually consummate this with

him. I think that would make him happy.

And then maybe he'd go away. Whatever.

You've consummated with other males. Did

they go away?No, that's a good point.

They usually stick around, but thank you.

Well. A little bit. Let me be blunt. I

think you do have a high sex drive. Yeah.

OK, well, then, basically, that's what's

feeding the alleged entity, right?

Especially if you're you're multiple

orgasmic, you're literally,

you know, creating a smorgasbord for this

entity, which is preventing it to

actually have more cohesion of a physical

variety within this reality. I

see. OK, so how do I actually get the

ghost to poke me in the buttHow do I what?

How do I actually get the ghost to poke

me?In the butt preferably. OK, let's say,

for example, if you were to get on your

bed and let's say take a doggy position.

OK, let me do that now. OK,

visualize your imaginary lover bouncing

you from behind. OK. If you feel the

sensation, then obviously you know that

it's possible. You want to come watch

just to laugh and giggles. Do you have

access to a computer or?No, not right

now. OK. Because basically what I was

going to say is if you could ever get

photographs of some of your experiments

or some of your attempts, and if you

could possibly send them to me like by

e-mail, that would be beautiful. OK.

You're not just trying to see pictures of

my implants, are you?It would purely be

scientific. I'm not saying that there

wouldn't be a part of me that wouldn't

go, hmm, nice spot. OK, you know. All

right, well, I'm going to let you go. So

I will call you back and get your e-mail

address as soon as I get some photos of

this. Yeah, might actually want to do a

movie on this subject. Exactly. All

right. Well, thank you so much for your

help. Thank you, Mr. Ghostbuster. OK, not

a problem. Yeehaw.