02x29 - Kevin Nealon & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter, 'cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Good afternoon. Oh,

good you there. OK. Hi, my name is Ked

Rosner. And I'm I'm calling about a

potential breaking story. OK.

OKAre you familiar with OCD?

Well, here's what's happening this

morning. Usually when I go out of my

door, I I go through it four times. It's

part of the disorder. And then I tap the

door jam five times. I know it sounds

crazy, but it's just something that I

have to do. Well, this morning I I went

out four times, but I didn't tap the

the jam five times because I got a phone

call from my brother and and I can't

subtract 10 taps from the original 8

taps, you know?So anyway, last time

this, this that I did that, something bad

happened and I just wanted to make sure

that, you know, nothing was going to

happen. This time you just put a heads up

to the people in your paper, you know,

just get it out there. How do you want to

do this?I mean, I mean, we need to stop

the presses right now. Well, there's

nothing I can do about it. OK. Could you

just tap the phone for me five times,

please?Just real quick. OK, thanks. And

then hit the pound sign. OK, thanks.

Yeah. So I anyway, I want to get this out

because I'm just, you know, I don't want

to feel responsible. But I can't put

something in the paper just because of

foreshadowing or somebody thinks

something's going to happen. But I don't.

I don't think it because last time I

didn't do it, I didn't tap it five times

and you know, and then there's like a 57,

you know, car pile up in Maine and and

and I think people deserve to know. I

need to put you on hold a second. I have

to answer another phone. OK.

Come on, pick up the phone. Pick up the

phone. Ken, are you still there?Yeah. Oh,

thank God you're back. Thank God. OK.

OKSo is there something I can do?Can I

write an article or something and send it

in and you put it in the paper?The only

way I can put it in the paper. Hang on,

hang on. OK. The only way I

can put it in the paper, Ken, is if you

want to pay for an ad and put it in the

ad. It's not even an ad. I think the

public deserves to know. Like I said, you

can pay. Come in and do a paid ad and we

can put can can 55 and a pound please.

This is the last time.

OK, OKOne other thing.

What happened to any cap in the paper?I

have no idea. And OK, just five more

times and a pound and then we could just

continue on. Well, no, we can't continue

on, Kim. I'd really like to help you. But

OK, I'm sorry. I'm not. This is worse

than Tourette syndrome. I'm sorry, Ken.

There's nothing I can do to help you. Are

your hands clean?Well, no, my hands

probably aren't clean because I've been

handling newspaper print all day. And you

have print on your hands?Always. Oh my

God. Is there anyone else I could talk to

there that doesn't have print on their

hands?Ken, I'm hanging up. Goodbye.

Before you hang up, just tap.

Hello. HelloIs this Charles?Yes. Hi,

Charles. My name is Tab Hoffman and I

understand that you're a hypnotist. Yes,

I am. Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of my

grandmother. She's been smoking her whole

life and she wanted to enter her 81st

year as a non-smoker.

Does hypnotism work on the elderly?Oh, it

works on anybody. I mean, an 81-year-old

woman shouldn't be doing 4 packs a day. I

work on a lot of old folks. OK, well, it

sounds like you can achieve what I want,

which is, you know, to have her cut back

on the smoking and and maybe change that

will of hers. We could

certainly try to do that. Good. If a

person is under hypnosis, are they able

to operate a pen?I'm sorry,

you mean right?RightYes. Like,

say, their name, a signature.

Oh, sure, sureMe like you this very much.

If we could just have her write that name

on that revised will without her

knowledge. Well, she's not going to be

around forever, you know?And she's so

hard to live when day in and day out, I

gave up my dreams for her. Taking care of

her and taking care of her. She never

gives me anything. My brother, she's fine

with. Now I'd like to keep my

brother's hands off of that dough. She's

probably worth 8 or $9 million. And

if we can make this happen, I'd cut you

in. I I don't think I would be

willing to accept that, but I would be

certainly willing to help help in any way

I can't help her. Incredulous.

All right, well, if we can make her sign

those documents and and quit

smoking and. I don't know. Do something

funny. I don't understand what you mean

funny. I don't know, like walk like a

duck or something or quack, quack, make a

funny noise or just get crazy.

Why would I want to do that?Here's the

list, and it's a simple one. Quit

smoking. Sign the will. Run around like a

monkey. No, I won't do that. You will

do this thing. You're getting

sleepy. Your resistance is breaking

down. Are are you a hypnotist?

Oh, I don't know. Am I?

Well, you're not. You're not hypnotizing

me. Resistance is futile. I don't

know who you are, Sir, but obey me. I

don't think I want to discuss this

anymore with you. Obey, puny human. Obey.

I'm sorry that you quack like a duck.

I'm. I'm sorry, but I don't think I want

to discuss this anymore with you. Can you

hypnotize yourself into doing it?

Resistance is futile.

Hi I used. One

of your hot tubs two months ago

and I just found out that I'm pregnant

and I am without a

doubt positive that it's from the hottub.

You're probably going to want to call and

talk to the like the manager.

I'm. I need to talk. I want to

not get off the phone until I know

that. You're going to do

the right thing by this baby. Do you want

me to leave a note with your name and

number for the manager?

I'd rather, I mean, a note. Well,

just with your name. I'm pregnant, you

know, I don't know if I want to leave a

note. I would like to

be reassured that things are going to be

taken care of. You know, this is if it's

not your fault, whose fault is it?The

sperm fairies. I don't believe in sperm

fairies anymore. You know, I was in that

hot tub and there was

clearly, obviously looking back, semen in

the water that swam up inside me,

into my vag*na, up my labia

tubes, into the egg, into

the. Yolk of the egg into the nucleus

into a baby that swam into my heart. And

now I love this kid and I don't know what

to do. I you are my baby

daddy and I want to know that

and you're positive about everything and

all that. I mean, if there's just no

doubt, I am 100%

positive and I am just praying that you

do not have a lot of Mexican

customers.

Customers that are going to be, you know,

featured in my child's face.

I would like to. I would like to have the

store DNA tested.

I want the store to raise my

baby. Well, I

finish college. I'm going to bartending

college. Have you talked to anybody about

this yet?No. I wanted. I wanted

you guys to be the first to know, but I I

think that. Open air hot

tubbing should do the right thing and

marry me. Well, I can take down your

name and your number. Have you

ever been impregnated by a hot tub?No.

You know, I don't want people to tease

him. I don't want them to call him tubby,

hot tubby. Or if he's fat, you know,

and I'm. I don't want it to. I know

because you do have a high level of

chlorine. And I just hope

that it doesn't do anything to my

baby unless it's superpowers.

You know, can you just call back first

thing in the morning?Well, I've

been having a lot of morning sickness.

I'm vomiting a lot and I'm having a lot

of Dia. OK, I I can't go and,

you know, I can't. I you're going to have

to call Diane in the morning. OK, Go

ahead and call her back. OK. But I want

to organize the birth to be in the hot

tub that impregnated. Maybe you're not

crank calling. I've

never been more sure of anything. I've

never been more serious about this and to

call it. OK, then you need to call and

talk to the manager and complain. All

right. There's nothing I can do. OK, I'm

going to let you go. OK. Bye, Daddy.

Good afternoon. Yeah. Hi. Who's this?Hi,

this is Tracy. Hi, Tracy. This

is Ed. Hi, Ed. How are you?

Good. How are you?I'm really good. That's

good, Mr. Do you have spaghetti?

Yes, we have tons of spaghetti. Yay!

Yay! I love spaghetti. Yay! Yes,

I love spaghetti too. You do?Yay!

I love spaghetti more than you do. You

don't love spaghetti more than I do. Yes,

I do. Yay! I love spaghetti. I

eat it every day. You eat spaghetti every

day?Every day! You are kidding

me. No, I love spaghetti.

Yay! Yay! I like spaghetti.

More than you do. I don't think so. Yes,

I do. Okay, I bet you do. Yay!

I love spaghetti. Do you have spaghetti?

Yes, we have tons of spaghetti. Yay!

Yay! I love spaghetti.

Yay! You better hurry in and get some

spaghetti, okay?Yay! Do you have

spaghetti?Do you have spaghetti?Yes.

Yay! Yay!You say it now.

You go. No. Yes. You

said you love spaghetti. Then you tell me

how much you love spaghetti. I I love

spaghetti so much. Tell me. Yell. Yell

that you love spaghetti. I can't yell. I

love spaghetti. Yes, you do. You said you

love it. If you love it so much, you'll

yell like me. Yay. I love spaghetti.

Yeah. Louder. No, I can't say. Yes,

go louder. I do it loud. Yay. No,

I can't say it louder. Come on, Mr. Mr.

Just one time. No, Mr. Just one time.

Say to me, I love spaghetti loud. I

love spaghetti. Yay.

Can you please hold?Do you have spaghetti?

I do.

Yay. Yay. Yay. I love spaghetti.

Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti.

Sir, is there something I can help you

with?Yes. OK, then we need to

do that. OK. Do you have spaghetti?Yes,

we do. Yay. Spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti. I want to come in

tomorrow, me and my puppy, and we're

gonna eat spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti. Okay, we'll see you

tomorrow. Spaghetti, spa... Yes. Do you

have spaghetti?Yes, we do. Yay,

spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Yay,

spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti,

spaghetti. Yay, spaghetti.

Hi, this is Dawn. How can I help you?Hi,

Dawn. Are you a magician?Yes, I am. Hi.

I'm just calling to see if I've

always been very interested in magic, and

I'm calling to see if there are some

tricks that I would be able to do. Oh, we

have some great tricks that you'd be able

to do. Oh, OK, well, here's the thing.

This is a little weird, but I'm a

stripper. OK. And I'm actually trying

to incorporate some magic into my act.

OK, so that's what I really

wanted to talk to you about. OK, I want

to know if there are some slight of

vag*na tricks I can do.

None that I'm aware of. OK, well, what if

I throw some at you and you just tell me

if I would be able to use that or not?OK,

like, how about sponge ba*ls?Do you think

I'd be able to cram some in me?

It's possible. OK. I'm assuming that,

like, I could just use my vag*na like,

you know, a hand. Like, you know those

tricks you guys do where you pull out the

scarves and you just keep pulling them

out and pulling them out and pulling them

out. OK, OKLike, would I be able to do

that with my vag*na?

Probably not. How come?

Probably just because of the amount of

room you would need. OK. I actually have

a pretty good amount of room, I think.

Oh, OK. All right. Well, let me ask you a

question, Dawn. If I came down there,

would you maybe be able to show me

something?I mean, I won't like strip in

the middle of your store, but if you

could just sort of like, you know,

explain things to me just using my hand

and I'll be able to figure out how to do

it with my vag*na. We can, yeah,

we can demonstrate magic tricks for you

and stuff like that. And then any that

you decide that would work well for you,

you know, OK And then maybe you can come

see my show or if you have a back room,

maybe I could do some stuff for you back

there. Yeah, that won't even be

necessary on that, but we could. We'll

show you how the trick works when you

purchase it too. OK, so I'll come by and

maybe you can hook us poke me in the a*s

OK. OK, cool. Great. OK, thanks. You're

welcome. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Hello. Hi. I'm calling about the dolls

you have for sale. Yeah. Yes.

Tell me about them. I

have one too many. Which which one you

looking for?I am the assistant to

Miss Demi Moore. Are you familiar with

Demi?

OK, this isn't a movie trivia quiz. What

I'm looking for is to buy some dolls and

to buy some dolls quick. So tell me what

you have for sale. OK, I have

babies. You have babies,

baby dolls. I love baby dolls. I remember

my sister had baby dolls when I was a

kid, and I always wanted a baby doll, but

my father wouldn't let me have one. He

would beat me over the head with my

sister's doll. Whenever I held it too

long, he'd bash me over the head with it.

What else do you have?Oh,

whyWhat do you do?I'm going to

describe everything. Oh, go through them.

Let's start with #1 and go all the way

through the 500. I could talk dollies all

night, but I don't. So if you're

interested, see the dolls. Oh, I would

love to come up. I'd love to spend the

night if I could, just with the dolls and

all. Is that possible?No.

Which ones do you want to sell?I want to

sell 500. OK, why do you want to get rid

of them?Are they dirty?

Please listen, you you interested in see

the dolls. You come over here and you

talk to me here. I don't want to talk in

the telephone. I would love to come by

and spend the night. That's so nice of

you. You don't have to spend the night

here. My husband don't like to know

people coming here in my house and spend

the night. OK, well, then I'll just stay

for a few hours and we'll go through each

doll and you can tell me the story of

each doll. Do

you have any real babies for sale?Pardon

me?Any real babies?

Hello. Hi, I'm so sorry. I think my cell

phone cut off again. I was talking to

your wife, I believe. Uh-huhYeah, she

asked me to come over and spend the night

and buy some dolls. No, she didn't ask

you to come spend the night. OhhI think

we're still working out the details, but

I need to get the address because I'm

crazy excited about all these dolls right

now. Crazy excited about them. Yes.

Put her back on. He wants the address.

Yes. You want to give it to him?This guy

wants dolls or he thinks in the people.

I don't think he thinks we want to sell

dolls. I think he wanted to take just a

bordello. So anyway, can I get your

address and I'll perhaps bring Demi over

and we'll load the truck up with some

dolls and then I'll spend the night. You

spend the night where?With the dolls

I like. Not in my house. Well,

yes, in your house. But do

you are in your right mind?I

love dolls. They're my passion. But if

you buy a doll, you take to your home.

You don't gonna stay in my house. What I

like to do is spend the night with them

first, so I get to know if we're

compatible. You know, if you call me

again... Yes. I-I'm gonna call thepolice.