02x25 - Adam Carolla & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight.

Crank Yankers.

Yay!

Hello. Hello, Barbara Finnegan. Yes.

Hi. My name is Kurt, but I go by

Tobias. Mm-hmmI'm a

telepsychic, but I'm currently have not

begun my business, which I'm going to do

out of my home, and I'm calling people

just to sharpen my skills. Okay.

Now, you're a Virgo, yes?No.

Sagittarius, yes?Keep going.

Libra, yes?You're not doing very well.

Gemini, yes?

Yes. Yes, Gemini. I know it.

I know a Gemini. You're not a Gemini,

Sir. I was testing you. Yes.

And you were wrong. Oh, well, I'm not

wrong yet. There's 12 months. So you

don't need to guess if you're a true

psychic. Barbara, I'm trying to hone

my skills. I feel I have definitely not

very good. Well, I feel I have some

natural ability. And obviously that

ability needs some sharpening before I

start charging good money for it. Well, I

guess I you probably go broke. Don't

discourage Tobias. Ah, uh,

Tobias feels a young girl, a young

presence in the room. Yes. You know what

I'm feeling?I'm feeling my head up your

a*s here in a minute. I knew that. But,

ma'am. Doesn't it make more sense for you

to put your foot up Tobias's a*s rather

than your head?Which would you prefer?

Well, personally, Tobias would prefer a

young, nubile black man.

But I sense that about you. Yes. Yes,

Tobias knows. And you're currently

unemployed. Yes. I'm gainfully

employed. Yes, Tobias knows. Are you

listening to yourself?Yes.

I know what you do for a living. Yes. Oh,

sure. Go for it. What do you think I do

for a living?Oh, truck driver. Yes.

No, I'm not a truck driver. Nanny. Yes.

You know what?You're going. You're kind

of failing almost. You get one wrong and

all of a sudden I'm a failure for

your favorite 70s rock man. Yes.

YesNo. You're going

to hang up on Tobias. Yes.

YesTobias knows.

Pizza. Hey, how you doing?It's Jim

Gaffigan and I

go in there and I get pizza all the time.

You might recognize me. I have like the

goatee. Anyway, the reason I'm

calling is I picked up a pizza yesterday

and I brought it home and my daughter

found. I don't want to freak you out

because I love your pizza. It's so good.

But my daughter found a c*ck in the

pizza and I just wanted to give you a

heads up. I'm not complaining, just I

love your pizza. Just wanted to give you

a heads up. OK, OKHave a good one.

OK. Thanks.

Hi, Pizza. Yeah, this is Jordan Rubin

with Extermination Des Moines

and we have a c*ck

extermination offer that we're calling

around businesses in your area. It's

an $89 special that we come in and

we fumigate and we really. Really.

You know, would love the opportunity to

get into business with you guys. I don't

know if you'd have any need for it or

anything like that. You just called and

said your daughter had a c*ck in her

pizza. We have no roaches down here at

all. I don't know. I, Sir, I don't even

have a daughter. But you just called.

I just called. Dude, I don't know where

you're coming from. So wait a minute.

You're starting to piss me off. Sorry,

Sir. So wait a minute. You're saying that

someone called earlier and complained

about a c*ck. Just just 30 seconds

before you called, dude. 30 seconds

before I called. Yeah. I'm telling you to

f*ck offYou understand that?So you're

saying you need a c*ck removal

business?No. You. You would be the

c*ck that would be getting out of

here, dude.

Pizza. Hi. Ruben extermination. Just want

to let you know that our guy's on the way

over. Hey, you better. You better f*ck off

Sir. Sir. Sir.

Everyone has c*ck. Come down here

and knock on the back door and I'll knock

your f*cking head off. Sir, everyone has

c*ck. There's nothing to be

embarrassed. I'm going to c*ck your

f*cking head here, bud. Why don't you

just come on down here and f*ck with me?

Do you want to pay by cash or check?You

chicken sh*t motherfuckerSir, I happen to

be a minister in a church and I do not

appreciate you and your church. Do you

understand that?Sir, I don't know if

you're like. Come down here and f*ck with

me, dude. Sir, I happen to be with the

Church of c*ck.

Pizza. Hey, just want to let you know I'm

in the back door. I wish you were,

motherfuckerYou know that?Come on,

chicken shitI'm at the back door and I'm,

you know, if you don't answer the door,

I'm going to have to charge you. So you

f*cking d*ck

Thank you for calling for English.

My

name is. How may I help you today?Hello,

I am Chip Douglas. I'm from a Hispanic

watchdog group. What is your name?My name

is. How are you doing?I'm fine. How are

you?Great. I'm really, really good. But

here's the problem, OK?I call up and when

they say press 1 for English and press 2

for Spanish, it's a little bit insulting.

Do you know what I mean?OK, OK, so this

is what I'm saying to you. Spanish people

are not #2 like poo poo. You can put

us at #1, don't you think?

Yeah, I understand. You know why you feel

like that. I mean, I do apologize that,

you know, you were offended by that. What

I'm saying is I don't want to be #2.

I can be #3. I could be #15.

You can press 33. You can press 35, but

not #2. You can press one. OK, I don't

mind that, but it can be 17. It

can be 12. It can be 133.

It can be 139. But never,

never 2. It can be



OK. It can be 117. OK.

I understand your point. It can be

with a fox. It can be in a box.

I can wear nice socks. You can have

pretty teeth. Do you know what I'm saying?

I I totally understand where you're

coming from. Are you yelling at me?I'm

sorry. Are you yelling at me?No, not at

all. Why are you yelling at me?I'm not

yelling at you. No, I want you to yell at

me. Why would you want me to yell at you?

Because this is America. And it's good to

yell. No. I'm not professional. I'm

not gonna yell at you. You are good to

yell. I can feel it coming. Here it

comes. You're yelling. Here it comes.

Here it is. No, I'm not gonna yell at

you. That's yelling. Yes, that's loud.

Good. Do you not like Hispanics?Sir,

that's that's not true. I never said

that. And if you feel that way, I'm

sorry, but that's not true. It can be





OK, I understand that. Well, is there

anything else that I can assist you with?

It can be .29, but never

#2. Hello. I'm here.

I'm here too. I'm here. I'm here. OK. I'm

here. I understand. Yeah, I understand

too. This is a Hispanic watchdog group,

and we're watching. OK. We watch closely.

OK. Did you know what we watched the

other day?Monsters, Inc. Did you see that

movie?No, Sir, I didn't. Guess who did

the voices?Billy Crystal, do

you think this guy's Hispanic?I'm not

sure, Sir. No, exactly. He should be

Hispanic playing a monster because

Hispanic's some monsters. OK. Is there

anything else I can assist you with?Yes,

there's a lot you can assist me with. OK.

Adios. Thank you for calling, Sir. Thank

you. You're welcome. Bye. Bye.

Good afternoon. This is Debbie. Do you

teach piano?We do. Yeah. I

want to play piano. OK. I play

piano. Good. OK, cool. I already know

some songs. You want to hear one?

Sure. OK. This is

Mary Had a Little Lamb. You know that

song?Yep. OK, listen.

Mary. Mary.

Mary. Lamb. Yeah.

Lamb. How's that?Sounds like you

need a teacher. I've been practicing that

for a year, Mr. That's good.

OK. What can we do for you, Sir?You know

the song?I've been working on the

railroad. Uh, sure.

OK, watch this on 4.



work on the railroad.

A railroad. Do you

like the way I play?Well.

Yay. I play the banana.

You sing. No, noYou know Mary had a

lamb?Nope. Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Yankee Doodle Dandy. Nope. Don't know

that one either. Why are you being mean?

I'm not mean. Sing with me. I

don't sing. Yes, you do. No.

You said you do before. I changed my

mind. No, you can't change your mind. I

just did. Well, don't. No. Yes. Yes

No changes. No changes.

You ready, Mr.?I bet you like this one.

Yeah. All right. Yeah.

There we go. You go, Mr.

Jolly Goodfellow.

Mary, where's your lamb?

Yankee Dandy Fellow. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Don't tell me I don't

know how to play piano.

Rainbow Players, may I help you?Who is

this?This is Pam. How are you,

darling?Fine. Can I help you?I

got a card here from

my grandson's boyfriend.

He made a donation in my name.

Uh-huhFor $25. OK.

I want to know how I can pick that up.

Well, OK. Why don't you hold a second?OK.

Yeah, I'll hold on. This is Ben. May I

help you?Hello. HelloI was calling

about to get my money. To get your money?

Yeah. What money is that?My $25.

For what?My name is

Elmer Higgins. Yes. OK,

then. Where is it?There is no money,

honey. What are you talking about?

I got a card here saying the

donation was made on your behalf.

Elmer Higgins. On your behalf. Not you. I

don't want half. No, no, noOn your. This

fella gave me the whole $25.

No, he donated to us on in

your name. Who did?A gentleman

by the name of Jesser. That's right.

That's my grandson's

boyfriend. OK, So when do I

get that?You don't get it, honey. What?

You people are robbing the elderly.

No, Hon. It was donated in your name,

not to you. It was my birthday.

And this fella gave me $25.

Then you talk to him, OK?You talk to him.

I call him. Hello.

This is a rainbow place. Hi there. Are

you the gentleman who was speaking to the

elderly gentleman, Elmer, a moment ago?I

was. OK, that's my grandfather. And

he's complaining and he's ranting and

raving about something. And I'm not sure

what's going on here, but.

He's under the

misunderstanding that that

we took money from him. A donation. He's

saying that you stole his $25. A

donation was made on in his name. A

donation was made to us in his name.

OK. Because my grandfather said you were

very a*usive to him. I wasn't. Can you

do me a favor?Yeah, just talk to him and

apologize and tell him you got the $25

and I'll send it to him in the

mail. OK. Do you mind?Not at all. Thank

you so much. Hello.

Yes, Sir. Who's this?My name is Ben.

Where's my money?Money

will be arriving, and I apologize.

Because what you said to me on the phone

was unforgivable. You got

crazy on me here. I didn't scream or get

crazy, Sir. I felt threatened. I

apologize if you felt that way. All

right. I accept your apology. And

I want my $25 and keep it clean,

OK?Because my grandson likes to put

things up his poop sh**t. That's

disgusting. And I was going to call

President Bush about this. But I'm going

to just stop by and pick up that money,

OK?I'll talk to you when you stop by.

Maybe you could be my grandson's new

boyfriend, because you seem like a nice

fella. I'll talk to you when you get

here. OK, hot pants. I'll see you then.

Get up on your float and join the p*nis

parade. Get up on that float.

Get up on that float. Get up on that

float and show your p*nis to the world.

Sports. This is Mark. Hey, Mark, I'm

talking to you today because I would love

to work with you guys. My name is

Landanlius Truefell. I'm an athlete,

ballplayer. Y'all probably heard of me.

I'm called the Truth. I know. Oh, well,

let me give you a little list of my

accomplishments. Man, I don't play for

everybody, man. I'm three time All Sweet

Valley, two time All American Africana.

Do you know I once played an entire game

with a broken leg, a ruptured groin, and

an ingrown toenail, man?Yes, I am. MVP

Kellogg's Froot Loops here, '93 Himan

Trophy winner, NAACP,

Best Actor in a Supporting Role, and

that's on a sitcom. Only worked one day

in my life, man. Tell me I'm not blessed.

Mr. Touchdown '89, Mr. Touchdown '90,

Mr. Touchdown '91, Mr. Touchdown

'92. It's time for meTo

give back and do some play by play. Are

y'all hiring?No, that's fortunate. We

don't have any opening. Oh man, let me

call some play for you. It's the third

down. They done got to the 22

#49 hikes the ball. Oh my God, it's a

fumble. Who picked it up?The truth. Land

daily. Oh, he doing the shake and bake.

He doing the dipsy do the 180 stop

freeze. He playing dead. What they going

to do?Oh, he gets up and runs it all the

way to the end zone.

He's doing the

end zone dance.

That's pretty good. I can do the upfront

and personal interviews too, man. I ain't

afraid to ask all the, you know, the hard

questions. I look dead at Dennis Robin.

Man, what's up?What's up?Did you take it,

DickYou know, I ask you that, OJ. OJ, why

you k*ll that white girl?You know, I can

ask the serious questions. And

look here. Guess what I'm sitting on?

What?Guess what I'm sitting on?No, that's

what I was asking. What?I'm sitting on a

goldmine, man, because I just put out.

My first album. OK, it's not an album. It

was a 12 inch singer. You're a recording

artist. Who's your favorite player, man?

Because I got autographs. I got

footballs. I love Joe Montana. Do you?Let

me give you his

autograph. And I'm going to tell you how

I got it. I got it when I broke his

kneecap, man. How did you break his

kneecap?Well, you know, you hit a block.

Well, you want to hear it, man. Do you

want to hear it?Yeah. OK, here we go.

It's 11:30. They're in the back of the

bar. Joe Montana approaches a tall n*gro

He looks him eye to eye and he says, what

did you say?n*gro gets down. He's

shoulder to shoulder. Then a snap. Oh,

that truth gives him the elbow. They're

down. There's a tussle. No one's come up

with the ball. Oh, my God. Joe Montana's

up. He's down. He's up. He's down. He's

up. Down. Up. Down.

I hit him in the knee. He

went down. He laid for a

while and it didn't make a

sound. The sirens came.

Me and my boys ran. We said

split up. That's the best

plan. You know, I put a little. Did you

do that off the top of your head?

Absolutely fell off my a*s man.

Unbelievable. So am I high now?No. All

right, then. Peace and chicken grease.

Don't get none on you. All right, troops.

See you. All right, then. That's truth,

man. Truth. I told him, man. I saidtruth.

Yee-haw!