02x22 - Kevin Nealon & Wanda Sykes

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

Security products. Hi. How much you guys

charge to open a lock?What?What is this

lock connected to?Wood. Huh

Yeah. House or what?No, it's my business.

Oh, OK. Yeah. YeahThat would be about

$65. All right. Just come out. Yeah. OK.

What's your what's the name of the

business?Nordstrom. Hold it. I got a guy

right there. You know what?I don't need

him till 1:00 AM, though. 1:00 AM. Yeah.

Now you're looking at



Really. All right, I'll go with 125.

And what is your name, please?Bobby.

Bobby Nordstrom. OK, Mr. Nordstrom,

please, please don't be offended. But. At



like that, we're going to require ID.

OK, you know, I'll have my license down.

I don't know what else he needs. All

right, Sir. What?What do we got to do?How?

How is he with alarms?Is he good?The guy

you're sending?No, actually, that guy.

That guy doesn't know much about alarms.

Do we need to bypass an alarm?I don't

know. Can he pick a safe?

I don't know. Hold on a minute. I got to

see if he's going to be available. OK. At



minute. Sure. Hi,

my name is. I run the company. OK. I

understand that you are a Nordstrom,

that you want us to go in when one of

your stores is closed and open the

safe. I own the joint. Yeah, I

understand that. I lost the keys to the

place. We're just looking out for

liability. Yours and ours both, Sir.

Well, nothing's going to happen. If

everything goes right, goes down smooth.

Everything's going to be cool. Of course,

that being the exact phrase, if

everything goes right, well, what's what

could go wrong?I mean, you guys do this

all the time, right?What are you trying

to say?But you want us to come at night

time when the store is closed and there

are no employees there for some reason,

which is your business, to open first the

store and then the safe inside the store

without any of your employees being aware

of that. Exactly. OK. So how

much?Well, first question is.

What about the safe?We're going to have

to drill a hole in it. How long is that

going to take?An hour or two. What about

if we take the safe out and do it at your

place or something?I could throw it in

the back of my U-Haul and you guys can

work on it whenever you need to.

And when the employees come to work the

next morning and there's no safe. Look,

my employees do what Bobby Nordstrom

tells them what to do, so I don't have to

worry about that. My manager or anything.

You know, I don't want to tarnish the

Nordstrom name. Certainly not.

And because of respect to the Nordstrom

name, that's why I'm being so careful.

Well, let's play everything safe. Just

tell them to wear gloves. We don't leave

any fingerprints. Everything will be

fine. It's really dark back there.

Nobody's going to see anything. Just

don't put the flashlight until we get to

the door. If we're trying to be that

surreptitious, keep lights off, wear

gloves. Look, I think we speak the same

language. What size suit do you wear?I'll

throw in a suit. I got Armani, whatever

you need. No, no, noLook, you guys can

open cash register. We'll hit the cash

register right after that. I don't want

any part of this. I'm sorry. Please. OK.

Look, it's a little too late now. You're

involved. I'm not involved. How would I

be involved?Look, if I go down, you're

going down with me. Based on what?You

already agreed that you're going to open

the safe. Sir, we're not doing this.

Sir, I don't know who you are, but I'm

hanging up now. I'm done talking about

this. This is not happening. It's

Bobby Nordstrom. OK, let's start over.

I'm Bobby Starbuck. I'm hanging up.

Goodbye.

Hello. Hi. My name is Gladys

Murphy and I'm having some problems.

What is your name?I'm sorry. My name is.

Oh, hi. Hi, Gladys. My breast

milk is starting to dry up. And yeah, and

my son, you know, he's never taken to the

bottle. So I just need some advice as far

as how to cut the flow back on. How old

is your baby?He's 8.

He's 8 years old. Yes.

And he's he's never, never liked a

bottle. Always been a nursing baby.

He's eight years old. Yes,

eight years old. Well, Gladys,

he should have a proper diet of solid

foods by now. Have you spoken to his

pediatrician on this matter?Oh, yeah, I

he he gets like a Happy Meal every now

and then. But he boy, boy, he loves the

breast milk, though. He just has a taste

for I, I, you know, and then this is

whatever else he eats. I have to like,

you know, sh**t a couple dabs of breast

milk out on it for him to even touch it.

Have you discussed his eating habits with

his pediatrician?Well, but my 12 year old

boy, he's he's fine. He's healthy.

You know, I got the 12 year old. Then you

know and then the the the 15 year old boy

every now and then you know he gets I

think he I think he just does it cause he

just gets jealous you know cause he sees

the 12 and eight-year old boy still

nursing and then then it's the

husband you know you got to take care of

daddy and then he gets mad.

So they these these I'm telling you every

man in this house is just drying me up.

I'm sorry it does sound like you have

some issues in your home to tend to. I'm

not. I'm not. I'm not Elsie the cow here.

You know, I'm. I'm sorry about

that. I I would very much encourage you

that if this is an ongoing problem for

you that you take it to your

pediatrician. Oh, look at here.

Oh, geez. I got to go. He they they're

back from the Boy Scout meeting. He

bought the whole damn din in here. And

guess who wants milk and cookies?

Everybody. Oh, boy. I

got to go. Good luck to you, Gladys. OK.

Thank you.

Hello. Hi. Is this the pooper

scooper guy?Yes, it is. OK, you

do pooper scooping. Yes, I do. This is a

little bit unusual. I'm the assistant to

Mickey Rooney, the actor. Yeah.

And we're having a problem

with Mickey as he gets up

there in that

he does not like to wear pants

and that he does like to move his

bowels indoors in his

hotel room at the Hilton. And the

staff has been complaining to me. And you

know what?I think I understand on this

one. And they suggested that I

arrange for a pooper scooping service to

come in and scoop up the poop. Uh,

what?In the Hilton?Yes, in on the



floor, but actually 116th of the floor.

Uh, sh**t. I never did it behind a person

before, to be honest. Well, you don't

have to follow up behind him. What you

would have to do is show up at a pointed

time and just scoop up whatever's

there for the day, then move on

to your. I know you normally do what,

like dogs and horses and stuff.

Yeah. Let me tell you just a couple

things about Mickey. He likes to hide his

movements. Like, for instance, if

he does one on the rug, he'll throw a

pillow on it. I don't know about

this, man. I know. You know what we ought

to do?We ought to have you do it tomorrow

and see how you like it, see how well it

fits with you. And then we go from there.

We figure out a price from there. That

sounds good enough. Are you a fan of

Mickey's?I I

like him. I like his stuff that he put

out in the whole day. It would be best if

you pretended to be a huge fan of his

when you come in. And in fact,Act as if

you prize each one of his bowel

movements. Act as if each one of his

duties is a gift to you. A gift.

He's very proud of all his work.

Including his bowel movements. And

yes, he calls them Mickey duties, and

sometimes he does little shows with them

and whatnot. He throws them. Sometimes he

hides them, he smushes them, he sits on

them. Occasionally he'll juggle them

because he was a juggler when he was a

boy, right?Yes. And what we need is

somebody to clean up after him, to put

everything into a container to be sealed

up and sold on eBay. This might be a

little more sh*t than I can handle, man.

I don't know. He's juggling sh*t and all

that. I don't know if I can handle that.

Well, let's give it a try tomorrow. Room



OKIt's. I need you to come quickly

because it's getting smelly in here.

Hello.

This is Mark. How may I help you?Hey,

Mark, my name is Ked Rosner and I'm

calling for some protection.

Excuse me. OK, Ken, what are you looking

for, Sir?All right, I'm looking for

protection at home and at the workplace

for up to six weeks. Around the clock, if

possible. OK. When ideally would you

want this to start?Right away. OK. I

need somebody who's not afraid to be

firm. Like if I'm checking the the

locks on the door just to pull my hands

away. If I'm, you know, in bed

and I'm counting to punch me in the gut.

You see, I have a situation called OCD. I

don't know if you're familiar with that.

I I am a little familiar with it. I've

lost 3 wives because it and I'm just, I'm

really at the end of my rope as you can

imagine. All right. So let's talk figures

now. OK. Well, our normal short term

rate is right around



Can we make it?Can we make it 3175?I'm

not good with 20s. Well, I I have to

check again. I have to check on

availability. Jeff, would you do just do

me a favor real quick. Would you hit the

seven key for me?Just hit it two times.

Thanks. OK. You'll find out their

availabilities and do they work with stun

g*ns or Tasers at all?No. OK, I would

supply that then. All right. I'd be

willing. Go ahead and hit, go ahead, go,

go, go, go, go, go ahead and hit the 7 LB

seven key one more time, please. No, why

don't you give me 7 on that one?

Perfect. That is perfect. Let me just do

a runner by here in case I was switching

the channel back and forth 21 times as I

do occasionally. And if they were to,

like, punch me in the gut, would they be

able to do it like an odd number of times?

No. I tell you, give me a seven key and

then a nine key if you could. And then if

you could just say OCD three times,

that'd be perfect. Seven. Yeah. And then

OCDOCDOCD. OK, now what if I

punch myself in the stomach?They won't

stop me from that. No, I don't see that

being a problem. OK. And and if you could

just scold me a little bit and and then

we'll wrap this up. I don't. I don't

think I'm willing to do that part. I, I,

I don't know. Can I

ask how you got it?Yeah, it was from my

doctor. It was from your doctor. Yeah.

Doctor Algee. Yeah. Mark, go ahead. Just

go ahead and just hit the 7 LB, then the



then back to the seven and then just wrap

it up with the OCD and we'll we'll move

this along. And then at that point I'm

gonna hang up so I can get on to looking

into this. We can handle it. That would

be perfect. Now if you could just say OCD



face, I I'd appreciate that.

Hello, this is Mr. May I help you?Hi, my

name's Cami and I was calling because I'm

interested in speaking at your school.

What is your topic?Um, it's mostly

about safe sex. It's called

everything but intercourse. Cami, let me

stop you here. I'm concerned

about this because of the

the material. Our

main philosophy here or my main

philosophy to to teachers and parents is

that. Abstinence is the number one. But

realistically, these kids are going to,

you know, I understand. Yes,

realistically, yes, I understand that. So

my my premise is, well, here, I'll

walk you through it. Basically, kids are

having sex no matter what, and that's

something that parents need to

understand. But my whole philosophy is

they don't actually have to have

penetration. For example, there's oral

sex, there's diddling, there's, you

know, a**l sex with a condom. All of that

is so much safer. You're not. Do you

have any material, any, any,

any stuff I can send you?Yeah, right.

Sure. I'll send you some stuff. Oh, and

it comes with pictures. I have diagrams

of everything that these kids can do

instead. Because what happens a lot of

times is a girl will try to give a guy a

Wendy and she won't know what she's

doing. And then she'll say, uh, screw it,

let's just do it. OK, so you've been all

around the state. I haven't been in

Oregon yet. No, no, noI've been all over

Nevada. I've been all over California.

They call me the BJ Queen. And I'm

telling you, the results are amazing.

I've had girls come up to me crying and

saying thank you so much, Cammy, because

I I won't have to have sex anymore, you

know?And so my goal is to put the Oregon

in Oregon. You know what I mean?I

understand. But you'll be walking

down the halls and seeing, you know,

kids, you know, doing what I show

them as opposed to having intercourse.

And you'll be so proud. Do you have a

brochure or full color?Yes, I

will. I will send that to you.

Did you want some naked pictures of me or

just the materials?Just materials.

Because I want something that I can look

at and say, yeah, I'm comfortable with

this. It's a very serious topic. I

understand. Very, very. OK. The brochures

are a little sticky, but I'll send those

to you and I'll send you

some pictures of me giving BJ's. Thank

you so much for hearing me out. OK. OK

Bye. Bye.

Good afternoon. Technology. Is this

Denise?No, this is Sharon. OK, my

name's Ray Ray Shanty. Can I just get

over for just a moment?Oh my gosh, of

course you can.

Hi. Sorry about that. Oh, no problem. Is

this Sharon?Yeah. Hi, this is Ray Shanty.

I just spoke to you. Yeah. I was on hold.

You put me on hold. Yeah. And I'm going

to have to ask you to hold for just

another moment. Whoops.

Sharon.

OK. Sorry about that, Ray. Yeah. Sharon.

Yeah. Hey, it's Ray Shanty. Yeah. I was

on hold. Right. OK. OK

I'm looking for Doctor

Diarman Spears. Yeah, he's no longer with

our company, but I know who you're

talking about. Maybe I can. Is there

anyone there that speaks

Klingon Star Trek thing, majig?He's

the only one I know of that. Oh,

goodness. Well, maybe you could help me

out. My girlfriend is way into

Star Trek, and I don't mean this in a

negative way or a pejorative way

or even a negative way, but I'm trying

to. find out what the connection

might be between the Jewish

culture and the Klingon culture?I don't

know the first thing about the Star Trek

culture. OK, well, we spoke earlier.

No, I well, umWe're speaking right now.

Yeah. Hey, Sharon, I'm sorry. One second.

I am so pressed for time. Do you mind if

I eat a banana?No, not at all. OK, great.

All right, well, so is there anybody

within the departmentThat is also like a

nerd geek or something like that. I'm

going to transfer you upstairs to

somebody that might know, OK?One moment.

Hello. Yes, hello. Yes, hi. May I

help you?What I'm looking for in a

nutshell, and Sharon said you you might

be a nerd that could help me, is somebody

who speaks Klingon. Uh, yeah, no,

I can't help you. Look, I'm an old friend

of Sharon's. No, you're not. She told me.

I'm a dear, dear old friend to Sharon.

Listen, pal, you're calling a business

here. All right. You listen, pal. I'm

calling a business here. You. Goodbye.

I'm not the nerd here. Thank you for

calling technology. Hi. I'm looking for

Sharon. I'm sorry. She's left for lunch.

May I help you?Yes. Could you tell her

Ray Shanty called?Can I have your number,

please?702.

It's my cell phone number. I will be on

it all day. I'd like to talk to her

about her attitude towards me.

And I heard she was bad mouthing me. OK.

Excuse me. Thank you. No, thank you.

Wait.

Yeah. Hi, this is Ray. Yeah, Mr. Shanty.

This is Bill Evans over here at

Technology. Oh, yeah. You called in

earlier and you were talking to Sharon

over here. And I was calling back to see

what what the problem was. I'm

looking for Klingon information. All

right. That would be D Arman Spears.

Doctor Spears. He he was an employee

here. And what's your name?Blevins.

Blevins. What?Bill Evans.

Bill Evans. Yeah. OK.

All right. Listen, geek. My name is Ray

Shanty. I don't call myself Rashanty. OK.

Gray shanty. Okay, I got that. I'll write

that down. Okay. Is this a prank

call?You have a good day, sir. You

don't have a good day, sir!

Trap, prank, prank... Yee-haw!