02x21 - Sarah Silverman & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

This is Molly. How may I help you?I

received a bear for a gift

from my mother, and it has

a voice in it. Uh-huhAnd I'm

sure this is not what my mother intended

to send. OK, what's going on?

Um, it's saying. Let me play it for you.

Wait. OK. Papa Bear wanted

in the back door. Yeah, that doesn't

sound like something a mother would send.

Yeah, I'd like to know what what

is going to be done. I mean, I

Papa Bear want it in the back door. That

doesn't sound like any way that works

here. When did you receive it?

Yesterday. And your name?Hadassah

Guberman. I'm working on this sweetmeat.

What is that?That's gross. Sit on this

sweetmeat. Oh my gosh. It's very

upsetting. To me, that's. I'm. That's

disgusting. Hey, kids, embrace the g*y

lifestyle.

Appalling. Oh, I'm. I I find it

absolutely appalling myself. Yeah, I was

going to give it to my neighbor's

daughter. Work the shaft.

That's disgusting. It's called a

teddy. Is it pink?

Yeah. Sit on this sweet meat. Because we

don't have any of, we haven't had any of

the pink bears since

September 11th. I'm not exactly sure

when. Hey kids, embrace the g*y

lifestyle. God, I'm an

adult, but I have sensitive ears, you

know what I mean?I'm an adult too, and

and I'm a pretty free lifestyle person. I

would be extremely upset. I mean, I'm a

Christian and a Jew, you know?I'm a

practicing Catholic, so that to me right

now is I'm extremely offended. Papa Bear

wanted in the back door. I've never even

heard that voice. Papa Bear wanted in the

back door. What does that even

mean?I believe it's saying Papa Bear

wants it in the back door. What does that

mean?I believe it's a g*y thing.

I'm not exactly sure. I'm kind of naive

in that area. Papa Bear wanted in the

back door. I'm assuming that they mean

the guy wants it in the. Back door. I

don't even know how to say it. It's

embarrassing. Oh,

a*s sex. Yes,

I can't. I'm sorry. I couldn't say it.

Oh, that's how offended I am with it as

well. Oh, my mother did send

this. She did. Yes. OK.

OKShe meant a**l sex

She loves a*s sex. Oh, that's OK. Oh,

my God. Oh, God. No, thank you. No, I

I thank you. Because I was just about

ready to fire everybody on my staff. Oh,

no. She's really funny like that. Yeah.

Well, maybe next time she should tell you

before you give it to your neighbor. I

know, right?No, she loves it in the

back door. Oh, my God. I'm sorry that

your mother did that. I love

you. Oh, now she tells you I love you.

Sit on this, sweet meat. Oh, call your

mom. She's great. Okay. Hey, kids,

embrace the g*y lifestyle. Take care,

Molly. All right, bye-bye.

Molly!

Hello. Yes, this is Etienne,

Front Desk Concierge calling. OK, Front

Desk, what's up?I am calling with an

early morning survey for your room

with some possible valuable discount

coupons for you if you have a

moment to take a quick survey

about your stay. Well, I'm going to be

the keynote speaker for about 1200 people

in in about a couple hours. I'm in the

middle of working on my speak. So just

one or two questions. You got two

questions. Just a few questions. Two or

three. Are you, are you visiting for

business or pleasure business?You are

keynote speaker. We. You got it. You

answered that already. How did you hear

about our hotel, Monsieur?Well, I got

booked here to do the meeting. And how do

you, on a scale of one to five, five

being the highest, how would you rate the

the courtesy level of the staff?

Chop, chop. Come on now,

one to five. How hard can this be?

Well, you know what?It's a courtesy of

the staff. How hard can it be?One to

five. Well, let me tell you how hard it

can be. Let's go. Let's go. Well, let me

tell you how hard it can be. Too sweet.

Well, let me tell you how hard it is. I

say five. I put down five. Well, no,

you're trying to get a five out of it

because you on the staff. I had somebody

knock on my door yesterday with a

cleaning machine like he's going to wax

something. And I'm going, perhaps you're

going to wax that assThis is a joke. This

is a joke. In fact, he's going what?Just

quickly, I say a word. Wait a minute.

What's your name?I am Etienne de Frontes

Concierge. Quickly, I'll say a

word you say first thing that pops into

your mind. Man, you didn't ask more

questions. No, no, noThis is very

quick. Do you know Jesus Christ as your

Lord and Savior?Oh, he's a wonderful

young man. Do you know Jesus personally

as your Lord and Savior?I don't know him

personally, but I do have a friend who

knows him pretty well. Well, let's go

ahead and do it. You want to accept

Christ right now?First we save at the end

and then we finish the survey. Well, come

on, let's get to the survey right now.

Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father, I

believe that Jesus died, that Jesus

died on the cross, on the cross, for my

sins, for the sins. And I believe, I

believe that he rose, that he's yours.

And I accept him. First, how do you find

the bathroom?One to five. One to five.

The cleanliness is the bathroom. One to

five. Five. And who would

win in a fight, Batman or Spider-Man?

I think Spider-Man would get him. But let

me ask one question about Jesus. Would he

win in a fight against Spider-Man?Can't

nobody beat Jesus?Even the Hulk?

Nobody can beat Jesus. He kicked the

devil's butt and he gonna come back and

kick it again. What's about Allen Iverson?

Can't nobody beat Jesus?What about the

Rock?You know, with your great sense of

humor, this is all being recorded. God's

got it on tape recorded. He gonna play it

back to you one day on Judgment Day. Will

he make puppets to recreate Zikol?

You're wasting my time. Oh, Mama. No, no

You're wasting my time. Please. You have

me almost in the pool of salvation. Well,

no, no, noBecause you didn't finish the

prayer. You want to finish it?Yes, I do.

OK. Say Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father.

I know I'm a sinner. I know I'm a sinner.

And I accept Jesus. I accept Jesus as my

Lord and Savior. As my Lord and Savior.

Come into my life. Come into my life

right now. Right now. In Jesus name.

In Jesus name. Amen. Amen.

Amen, brother. Praise the Lord. Now, if

you believe in your heart, all that you

said, you are now saved, and you got the

Holy Ghost in you now, brother. All

right, if you see Jesus, will you do me a

favor?You're going to see him. If you

keep talking to God and keep asking him,

you're going to see him. If I see Jesus,

I will tell him that you said, what's up?

All righty, good buddy. Au revoir. Au

revoir.

This is Karen. Hi, Karen. My name is Dan.

Yes, I'm calling about Lamaze

classes. The right place. How can I help

you?My wife is pregnant.

I am so nervous about this and I

I'm really trying to bite the b*llet and

go through this. What is the part that

you're having the most difficult part

with?OK, when I get nervous, all my

anxiety goes to my stomach. So my

stomach, the closer she gets to her due

date. You know, the more nuts I

get. And when I get upset, she gets

upset. You can talk it out. You already

know what's bothering you. If I I feel

like if I know some of the things that

could go wrong, that at least I'm

prepared. You know what I mean?The water

breaking. What is that?There's a bunch of

stuff that might be very little, but

for instance, if it breaks and there's a

yellowish tint to it or a little bit

greenish, it means the baby's had a bowel

movement.

Oh, I can't. This is too much. I

can't. You know what?Let me tell you. Let

me tell you. It's OK. You don't have to

be down watching all this. I do. She you

don't understand. What you're going

through is very normal. Yeah. But

let me ask you the the the episiotomy. Is

that always done?No, it isn't. What

exactly is it?Why do they?What they do is

they just do a little incision just to

make the vaginal opening a little larger.

Oh God. But can they, can they, can they

make it back to where it was before?

Absolutely. OK,

what about?Right. What is the afterbirth?

I mean, what else comes out?And you know,

well, inside the mom, in her uterus,

as the baby grows, this placenta grows

and it kind of looks like a liver.

Liver. It looks like kinda. But

you don't have to see that part. I tell

my coaches, if you don't want to see it,

all you do is stay by her head. OK. All

right. Well, thank you so much. Thank

you. I would love to have you in my

class. Thank you. One last thing. How

much are your classes?How much do they

cost for the six weeks?They're

$65. Oh, God.

OK. Thank you so much. You've been so, so

helpful. OK. Goodbye. Bye.

Hi, are you the tutor?Yes, I am.

Wonderful. I need help with my

book report. Okay, is your mommy there?

She had a few too many drinks. Your

mother had a few too many drinks?She's

okay, though. Have you read the book,

Huckleberry Finn?Yes. Then you might be

the woman I'm looking for. Aw, how cute.

But what town do you live in?I'm writing

a book report about Huckleberry Finn.

What's that about?Oh, I can't help you

over the telephone. If I'm going to hire

you, I have to know what I'm getting. Oh,

no, no, I can't. I don't do tutoring like

that, sweetheart. Is your father home?My

father left us like nine years ago.

He ran off to play with the Harlem

Globetrotters. Uh-huhAll I'm

asking for is a little help with my book

report. No, I can't. I have to meet with

you. And they have to pay me for the

lesson. You know, blah, blah, blah.

Is it all about money?Well, I can't. I

have to pay my bills also, don't I?I've

got plenty of money, honey. I do a lot of

babysitting. Oh, you do?How

much to get you to write the book report

for me?Well, I have to speak to one of

your parents. You deal through me and me

alone. No, I can't because I have to get

paid by a parent. I've got plenty of

money. It's just as green as anyone

else's. I don't do business with a child.

I can make this a very Merry Christmas

for you. Christmas is over. Well,

it's come around again. How old are you,

honey?I'm nine years old. You haven't

read Huckleberry Finn, have you?I've read

Huckleberry Finn, of course. You have

not. But I'm asking you, honey. Prove

that you read it. No, I read it, and I'm

not going to prove to you that I read it.

That's ridiculous. Let's start with the

opening paragraph. No, I'm not starting

with an opening paragraph. Let's pretend

you're writing a book report about

Huckleberry Finn. No, I have to go now,

sweetheart. Where are you going?I'm going

to see a show tonight. You're not going

to a show. Yes, I am, honey. What

show?I have to go now. My husband is

rushing. Please tell me what show. Liza

Minnelli. Oh, she's terrific. I know,

she's terrific. She married that g*y guy.

She married a g*y guy?I don't think he

was g*y. Yeah, he seemed like a big h*m*

I don't think. Was Huckleberry Finn g*y?

All right, I have to go now. Call me in

the morning. Bye-bye, honey. I'm gonna

call you again at midnight, 'cause that's

technically morning. Hello?

Good afternoon, Piero. Hi. Who am I

speaking with?Linda. Hi, Linda. This is

Bobby Fletcher. Me and my brother are

bringing in a whole family in about two

weeks. We had a party of 30. You want to

get dinner?How much?Would you have a

fixed price on the whole thing?You know

what you need to do?You need to call.

Could you hold on a second?Let me put my

brother on the phone. Hi, Linda. Hi.

Listen, me and my brother, this is Billy.

We're looking to bring in about 30

people. Right. What I was going to tell

you is there's one woman that's OK. Hold

on. Let me put my brother on the phone.

Hello. Linda, this is Bobby. So we

want to bring in 30 people. Is there a

fixed price on that?OK,

hold on. Let me put my brother on the

phone. Linda. So we just want to get like

a set price. Just, you know,



in. And actually we only need 29 chairs

because she's in a wheelchair. So

let me put my brother on the phone.

Hello, Linda. Yes. Yeah. OK. So we want

to bring 30 people in. Is there a fixed

price, Sir?Can you hear me?Yeah. OK.

I want to get this clear. You need to

speak. OK. Hold on. Let me put my brother

on the phone. Linda. Hello. Hi, is

this Linda?No, this is Pat. Hi,

Pat. OK, let me put my brother back on

the phone. Hello. Who am I speaking with?

My name is Pat. Hi, Pat. We're trying to

get a party for 30. I understand that.

But we have an events coordinator. OK,

hold on. Let me put my brother on the

phone. Hey, Pat. Pat. Good

afternoon, Tiros. Hi, Linda. Yeah, I need

you set up something about the events

coordinator. We got disconnected. Right.

So call here Monday morning. OK, hold on.

Let me put my cousin on the phone. No,

you know what?I'm done with the family.

Here's the information I can give you.

Yay. I like information. Right.

That's what I'm trying to do. But nobody

will listen. Hold on. Let me put my

brother on the phone. Good

afternoon, Tiros. Hello there.

I'm calling to get a reservation. Yes,

what time?I wanted to come in

in two weeks. What time do you want to

come in?We had a party at 30. Man, I

mean, you got nothing.

Hold on, let me put my grandson on the

floor. Your grandma and your grandpa,too.

May I help you?Hi, my name is Bernard

Higgins and I'm calling on behalf of

my father. Yes. I'm going to

speak quietly because he is in the house

and I don't want him to overhear this

conversation. Yeah, but I'd like to see

about having him admitted to your home.

How old is your dad?He's 86 years

old and he's. Hello,

Dad. Who's this?

I need to make a phone call. Dad, I'm

talking to the video store. What are you

getting?A video?Yes, we're going to watch

a movie tonight. Hello. Who's this lady?

I'm. I'm ordering. He's ordering a video.

Which ones you got you can recommend for

an older gentleman. We have

titles of the one with Bob Hope in

and the one that that he played in the

Night of the World's

Compensation there. Yeah, that was a good

one. What's the name of that one?That's

compensation.

Compensation. Yes. Have you ever seen

that one?I never saw that picture. All

right, Dad. This one here brings home

dirty pictures. He watches dirty

movies. OK. And I don't care for it.

Just please. It's time for your nap. Let

me just finish with Sharon. I have a

little more business and then I'll get

the movie. Sharon,

what I'm saying is here we have

also dementia. Well, he has dementia.

Yes, he definitely has dementia. And

he's, he's, he's difficult. What are you

talking about?I didn't hang up the phone.

Are you talking in a old age

home again?No, no, I'm talking to a

video store. Who's this on the phone?This

is Sharon. Where do you work here at the

video store?No,

no, Dad. You're trying to send me away.

Dad, I'm just trying to get a video. You

think I'm an idiot?OK, Dad, just please

hang up the phone. I'm not going to live

in a home. I can't live like

this. I don't want to leave. I

got to water the Lord. Dad, it's time for

your nap. I'm not going to sleep.

Yes, you are. I'm having a heart attack.

Good. I'm having.

Sharon. Yeah.

How are you dealing with this, Bernard?He

has a heart attack every day. Like this

time. My gosh. Yeah, we've tried

everything. Do you have Ghostbusters

too?Well, the one that we

have, I'll speak with Bernard on them. I

like the second one. The first one was

garbage. Well, can can you hold

on?Yeah. And bring me a pizza too

while you're there, darling. OK. All

right. We're both going to hang up the

phone now. This has gone on long enough.

Yeah. Your brain must be hurting by

now. No, it's not hurting. At some point

it becomes ridiculous. I'm. I'm going to

call you from a yeah, from from a

private line. OK. OKSure. OK. Bye.

Bye. Goodbye then. Bye. Bye.