02x17 - David Alan Grier & Jeff Garlin

[bunniefuu]

ohh I'm okay.

Big brother, big sister, this is . Hi, my

name's Burcham. I'm moving to .

this in just a few weeks and I'm looking

to get involved with the Big Brother

organization. Okay. I've

been involved with the Big Brother

organization for a number of years out

here in Nevada, where I currently reside.

How many How many of these guys can you

get?You can only actually get like one.

We only have one per individual. Actually

one per couple, yeah. I'm going to need a

little more help than that. What have you

guys got in the way of Mexican kids?

What do we have?What do you mean?Well, I

mean, I would prefer Mexican kids.

Well, okay. They work hard. They don't

run their mouth all day. Okay, okayNot

big eaters. They don't complain. They're

appreciative. My kids, if you don't

get 14, 15 hours' worth of

Xbox in or Nintendo in a day, he's

PO'd. What is your name again?

Burcham. I'll take a Chinese kid,

too, if you got one of them. A little

shifty. The Chinese never quite know

what's going on. Never know what's going

on behind those eyes. Never know.

Probably take a black kid too, as I use a

sort of my enforcer. Don't expect them to

do any work that's not really in their

genes, but certainly good enforcers,

those blacks keep the Chinese and the

Mexican guys moving. So maybe I'll just

take one each, just as long as

long as I ain't scared of a little hard

work. That's all. I realize I don't

want to break them. This ain't the Bataan

Death March, I'll tell you that. I want

my workers in good shape. We can explain

our program to you when you come into

town. All right. Oh, oh, American Indian.

Because they they're not scared of

heights. And I got to clean my gutters

out and I got a three-story building. I

don't have any idea, but we can explain

our program to you when you come in.

Well, if you guys, you guys got a book

that have the kids weights and size and

how much they can deadlift, something

like that. That's going to help in the

decision-making process.

I want to call. May I help you?Hi. Yeah,

I'm looking to rent a car. What is your

name?Sam. Hi, Sam. I'm Cami. Hi,

Cami. What is your day rate?We're

starting at 29 a day. Do you have a rate

for two hours?No. Would there be a way to

get a car for just an hour or two?Well,

you can. You just have to pay for the

day. You do have to pay for the entire

day. Yes, ma'am. What if I don't even

take the car off the lot?If I'm just

actually using the inside of the car?Is

that possible?No. Let me tell you my

story. I met a guy a couple nights ago.

He wants to hook up today. I'm getting my

carpet cleaned in my apartment, and

he doesn't live here, so we need a place

to hook up. So I'm just looking for a car

for a couple hours. Let me let me say

this in plain English. OK. You want to

rent a car for two hours just to have sex

with somebody?I do. I just want to use a

car for two hours to have sex. You know

what?Tammy. Cammy. Yes. Well,

whatever. I I can't help you. I'm very

sorry. Maybe what you should do is

go buy a car or have him bring one of his

own if he, you know, if he wants to hook

up how you put it. Why are you so angry

at me?Has it been a long time since

you've had sex?It's ridiculous. OK?You

don't call a rent-a-car company to waste

my time because you want to hook up with

some guy and get on top of him. Have a

nice day.

And I want to call. May I help you?Hi,

Salmon. That's me. Hi, Sam. This is

Cammy. I just spoke to you. You know

what, Cammy?I just. I just. I feel like

such a sl*t now. I just wanted to

apologize because you yelled at me and I

just feel so stupid now. OK, you should

feel stupid. Well, why?You don't have to

apologize to me. Apologize to yourself.

Well, for what?That's it. That's it. I

got to go. I'm busy here. Have a nice

day. But Sam, all I want to know is

what's what's wrong with just a little

sex in the backseat of a car?You are

ridiculous. Have a nice life. Has it been

a?

Donkey Kong! This is who?Donkey

Kong! Donkey Kong?Yeah, Donkey

Kong, yay! So who you calling for?

Donkey Kong! Who is this

calling?Donkey Kong! Well, thank

you. Donkey Kong, yay,

yay, Donkey Kong!

Hello?

of enjoying... Donkey Kong!

Hello?Donkey Kong! Yay!

Yay! Do you have a mental problem?Yay,

Donkey Kong! Oh my goodness.

I'm lost. Donkey Kong!

Who is Donkey Kong?Donkey Kong's my

friend. Yay, Donkey Kong. I

love Donkey Kong. Does Donkey Kong have

another name that they may go by?Donkey

Kong!ohh I don't know.

Yay, Donkey Kong! Yay, Donkey Kong!

Yay, Donkey Kong! Yay.

Jim Bob, may I help you?What?Donkey

Kong! Yeah. YeahWhat

can I do for you?Donkey Kong! Yay!

What's that mean?Donkey Kong!

Donkey Kong! Mm-hmmYay! What can I

do for you?Donkey Kong! I don't know what

the hell you're talking about. Donkey

Kong! Donkey Kong. Yeah.

Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong. Yay!

Who is it?Donkey Kong!

Well, I got customers. I gotta go if you

don't want to tell me what you want.

Donkey Kong! Yay!

Yay! Well, I gotta go. Donkey Kong! Yeah.

Lady, you're not listening.

Hello?Hello, who, with whom am I speaking?

David. David, I am looking to

see if my pictures came out. Could you

check them for me?I'm an elderly woman. I

don't want to come down there unless

they're ready. Okay, you're talking to

the right person. The name is Helen

Higgins. Helen Higgins.

Yes, could you speak up?I can't hear. It

is there. All right, now the pictures of

my granddaughters, she did a play for

school. She played a little princess.

Could you check if they came out?Because

I have very bad eyesight and half the

time they don't. Do you want me to open

up that?Yeah. YeahYeah

Do they come out?OK. These are

not about your granddaughter. What?

What do you mean?These aren't about your

granddaughter. What are they of?

Helen Higgins. They have. These are about

a man. A man. Yeah, a nude

man. A nude man. Correct. What do you

mean a nude man?In my camera?In your

camera. Helen Higgins. There must be a

mistake. What does he look like?Um

He has facial hair, goatee.

What What kind of ethnicity does he look?

I would have to say white. White?He's

white with dark hair?Yes. Some type of

poser. He's doing like posing. He's

posing?Wait, are you sure he's nude?He's

completely nude. Nothing. The p*nis is

showing and everything?Everything is

showing. Is it big?Is it big?

Yeah. Is it maybe it's a porno

thing?They got mixed up.

Well, in one picture, he

happens to be holding a dildo

He's holding a dildoWell, there's a dildo

in the picture. What do you mean he's

holding?What else is he doing?

Long stockings. Stockings he's wearing?

What is he, a h*m*?Does this

happen a lot?Does this happen a

lot?This is your role, ma'am. Do you

think that I you don't think I did it?You

don't think I'm some kind of pervert?No,

of course not, ma'am. Things happen. What

else is he doing?He's running his p*nis

through like a ring or something. He's Oh

my Lord. He's running his

p*nis through a ringer. Something like

that. What kind of sicko is this?You

know, this is turning me on a little bit.

Could you tell me a little bit more about

the pictures?We'll just,

we'll just send them back. You'll send

them back. You don't have to come and

pick them up. I don't. Maybe I should.

Maybe it's the best excitement I'll have

all week. It's, you know, is he a cute

guy?I wouldn't know.

And you say he's well hung right?I

definitely wouldn't know. You wouldn't

know if he's well hungWell, compared to

you. Compared to me?

Yeah. Well, I don't think anybody can

match them. Oh, you know what, David?

Forget the pictures. I'm going to come in

and visit you. OK. No problem. OK,

David. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Thank God. Hello,

I need your help. It's my wife and my



things and I hope you can help me over

the phone. Yes. Wow, we got the pudding,

the brownies all set up, ready to be

delivered. If the window frame. is

not working, then we gonna get some

gourd. Do

you have a black man dildoYes, sir. You

do?Uh-huhOh, man.

What's it look like?You got to come in

and see it for yourself. But it's pretty

gosh-darn big. Yeah. Oh, man. What's your

name?Tamika. Tamika?

Tamika, you're a lovely young lady, and I

appreciate your help. I got so much money

I'm gonna spend, your head gonna spend,

and your head will spend, too. Huh

Yeah, your head and your hair are going

to spin. I just hope it lands back the

right way because you're a beautiful

young girl. OK. Thank you. You're

welcome. Now, if the pottery is not

where you want it, then we're going to

have to move it over by the electrical

area, even though there's a chance of a

small little church fire.

How about double dongers?Yes. Man, you

got everything down there. Yes. Windy and

rainy and it's just not the appropriate

way. Now, what if I wanted to buy about



afternoon?Would you be able to

accommodate me?Uh, yes. Wow.

How about a double donger with a handle

in the middle?Uh, no. I guess I could

build one in my shop. In my shop, I got a

bunch of handles doing nothing. I can

hang them under my double donger. Yeah.

What's a liability?You got liability, sir?

No. Do you take vitamins every day?

No. No Neither do I. We

should. Do you exercise?No.

No, neither do I. I I

should exercise. I don't feel so good

right now. I'm feeling kind of faint.

Well, you better rest 'cause I got to

finish my work. You have a good day, okay?

What are you doing right now?I'm working.

Do you have a**l beadsYeah, they got

some. How about the vibrating egg?

Yes. Oh, man, there's nothing you don't

have. You got traveling, you got a**l

bees, you got vibrating. You got it all.

There's nothing you don't have. No,

man, you got everything. Now

come down and look at it for yourself.

Come down and look at it. Will you be

helping me?All right, then. You have a

good day. All right, that's me.

May you and your g*ns walk,

work, work to the Winchester.

Bye, bye.

Hello. Bonjour. This is the concierge. It

is my pleasure to give you your 620

wake-up call. Bonjour. Good

morning, sleepyhead. Time to wipe the

crust out of your eyes. It's 620. Hello.

HelloThis is the concierge with a

complimentary follow-up wake-up call for

you. It's time to wake up now,

sleepyhead. Are you awake?Yeah. It's 6:20

in the morning. Time for you to be awake.

Yes. Well, I really didn't put any call

in to wake up. We're sending housekeeping

now. Yes. Yeah, I didn't put a

call in. Now this is time. Let me hear

you say I am awake. Oh, I am awake. Let

me hear you say it. I don't know. You

sounds very sleepy. How you say?Let me

hear you count to



Let me hear you do your ABC's. I know

you're awake. Let me hear just to G Just

to G A/B. This

is wonderful. Would you like a

complimentary continental breakfast or

perhaps some p*rn*graphy sent to your

room?Yeah. Bonjour. Say Bonjour.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Please, please work with me. Bonjour.

Like rolling. Like rolling. Bonjour.

You're wiping the sleepy from the eye.

Oh, yeah. No, we need you to. How you say?

Get up, sleepy head and fluff up the

pillow and start dancing with the rainbow

clowns. Now let's start up the shower and

wipe off our sleepy, disgusting, filthy

body. Splash around. OK, au

revoir.

Jewelry. My name is Danny and

I need to get an engagement ring

for my. My girlfriend, I'm

a little nervous cause I've never done

this before. So can you kind of walk me

through it and give me prices and like

your prices are going to depend on your

color and your clarity, your cut. Is

this a first marriage?It's a first

marriage. We have been together for nine

years. She told me 3 days ago she is

pregnant. I'm freaking out,

you know, and I got to get something

nice. Yeah, OK, I would say.

OK, let's just make it a

carrot. Like 1 carrot. All right. The

quality you're saying how much?Yeah, good

color. How much?It's going to run you



God. Oh,

excuse me. God, I

knew it. God, she is k*lling me.

She is trying to k*ll me. So you're

saying 5000. $300.00

that

came to a three

quarter 79 point TEF

color. I want clarity.

You can get for 2495.

It's too late. Oh oh.

OK, can we talk about tennis bracelets,

please?Because I want to give her a

gift. I just have to do this. I got to

power through it. OK, now

tennis bracelets, what is it you want to

know?Just prices. I was because I got to

give her a gift. She is got a g*n to my

head. So I need a nice one, a nice

tennis bracelet. I don't want. I don't,

you know, I can't give her anything cheap

because she knows all about it. Just give

me a ballpark. Nice.

Come on A2 carry



there. OK. Could you take the first price

and then take the price of that ring and

just give me a total?Cause about



you'd say 7000?What 73

to 7500?

God. Oh. Oh,

God, this is the worst day of my life.

Oh, all right. Could you just.

Oh. Are you married?

No.

Oh, God, I cannot

believe. No one believes this.

All right. I'm coming in.

And please, please excuse my breath in

advance. OK. I won't pay attention to

your breath. Thank you. Thanks a lot. See

you later. All right, then.

Yee-haw.