02x16 - Robert Smigel & Wanda Sykes

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yeagers tonight.

Computers. Who's in charge over there?

That would be me. All right, I got a

problem with you people. You do?

My grandson bought me this here

computer and I put it on

and there's all kind of

obscenities being

displayed on the TV

screen of this thing here. All right,

what's the name?I don't appreciate it.

What's the name?Fella's name

is. It looks like his name is

Lexus. And he's shown

his genitalia. He's a black

fella. I don't know who the hell thinks

this kind of joke's funny over there,

but I'll tell you, it

wouldn't be us. I'm not amused by this

pornographyWhat's the last name of the

computer?You people should be ashamed of

yourselves. We don't put them on there.

What do you mean you don't put them on

there?I turn this thing on, and

then there's naked people on my computer.

Explain yourself, you son of a

bitchYou want me to explain myself or not?

Yeah, who did this?This is Trevor.

Now, whoever owned the computer before

you, that's who put it on there. You got

some nerve, Trevor. I'm an old

man. How many times I got to tell you

it's not our... We did not put those on

you. What do you mean?It's not your

responsibility. You people showed

the dirty computer to migrate.

What's your name?

Hello?What's your name?I'm

going to call the cops on you people.

What's your name?Elmer.

HuhI'm having a heart attack.

You're giving me a g*dd*mn heart attack.

You're giving it to yourself. Calm down.

OK, I'm better. Yeah, all better. All

right, now we got to figure this

out here and we got to fix this son of a

bitchSo what's the last name the computer

was under?Whose?

You had somebody give you this computer,

correct?My grandson got this from

you people. OK, what is his name?

My grandson's name is Terrence.

Terrence. Yeah. Spell that for me.

TERRRRENCE.

He's g*y. And there's all

sorts of h*m* pictures on his

hair thing. I don't know what to tell

you. You give me a name I can actually

search with and we can talk.

Otherwise, have a good day. Who

dead?

Hello, John. Yes, John, this is Adam

Corolla. How you doing, Adam?It's Doctor

Drew too. Hey, Dr. Drew. John, I'll tell

you what we're doing and why we're

calling. We're banking some phone calls

for the best of shows that we run over

the holidays. Uh-huhSo we'll just do the

call same way we normally do, and

you just jump in with your problem and

we'll just take it from there. All right.

Roll tape. John, you're



what's your problem?About two weeks ago,

my girlfriend and I decided we were gonna

get married. Everybody was fine with it,

except for my mother. And she's she's

going crazy about it. And what's the

problem she has?She just, she can't

believe that I'm. I'm only 21 and I'm

already married. Stop tape. It'd be great

if there was a bigger problem. It'd be

great if there was something like drugs,

alcohol, pot, heroin, you know what I

mean?Why?Because we're doing, we're doing

best stuff. Here we go. Oh, OK. All

right, let's take it from Drew, asking if

there's any other problems. We'll splice

it together. There you go. Roll tape. So,

John, anything else going on in your life

that your mom might be concerned with

that she wants you sort of sort out

before you get married?Well, I mean, it

started about three years ago. What'd you

do?Did a little bit of LSD and then we

started doing a little bit of speed,

speed, speed. That's what I thought. God

knows what he did to get the money for

the drugs, Drew. You know what I'm saying?

They never went that far. They never went

that far. Stop tape, John. Yeah, I

think turning tricks. Male

prostitution. Something like that. Roll

tape. John, you must you must have had to

do some horrific things in order to feed

that drug habit of yours in order to get

the money. Yes. Yeah. I moved to

Atlanta and started working there as a

male escort. And escorting men or women?

Women. No men. No men. I mean, stop tape.

Come on. Women do not use male escorts.

They just don't. Let's just pick it up

again. Escorting women or

men?You know, I had to do the God thing

every now and then. Stop tape. Just

men. Believe me, it's a more provocative

call. Straight men. No, not straight men.

Straight men. g*y men. OK, ready?

Escort for women or for men?

For males. Males. And how many men would

you see in an evening?Maybe three or

four. I mean, enough to support the

habit. Put a little food in my mouth. You

had more food in your mouth, brother.

Were you the receptive partner or the

pitcher?More often the the giver than the

taker. Stop tape, John. Yeah. If you were

the taker more often, it would probably

be more provocative for our listeners.

All right, keep going. So giver or taker?

I was the taker. That's that's what I

figured. Ever any rectal bleeding from

the constant sodomyYeah,

there there came a few problems. John,

are you in a diaper right now?I've moved

out of the diapers. I've gone to more,

you know, these panty liners down right

now. I'm disgusted. Yeah, me too. John,

you're horrible, horrible, man. You

sicken me. I mean, excuse me, I've got to

go. I'm gonna vomit. You made Drew vomit

for the first time ever. Really. On the

show?Oh, great. Thanks, John. Thanks for

trying to help. Good luck.

Hello. Hi. I'm wondering if you're hiring

house sitters. How long have you been

doing house sitting?Well, I've been doing

it for, well, I was doing it for about a

year and a half up to the point where I

there was a little bit of a. Mishap that

occurred that I haven't done it since

that. Uh huhWhat's the mishap?

There was there was a fire and some

people got the wrong idea about how it

started. Oh, I see. So, you know, people

get ideas. Oh, I know, I knowSo yeah,

I fell asleep. And I know you're not

supposed to be smoking in bed, but I was

laying on the couch. And I was watching

The Matrix. Have you seen that?And I

don't know, that last part was just so

boring. I fell asleep and next thing I

knew we had a three alarmer going and

everybody was mad at me. Boy, do

you smoke?Not anymore.

Not anymore. A little bit. Not cigarettes

anyways, but once in a while I'll, you

know, I like to party. Yeah, I like to

party. But I watched my own house for

years. Never had a problem.

Have you've never been responsible for a

fire?No. People get so mad. But

something about the flames. You can't

stop looking at them. Oh, you like fires?

I don't like it, per se. But you know,

once it's started, it's almost hypnotic.

You can't stop looking at it. It's almost

like it talks to you. Right. And you

start talking to it, and then the firemen

and everybody else, you know, get these.

So your name, my name is Greer Larson

Greer. And your phone number. I'm only

allowed to take calls on on certain days

here at the facility. The facility are

you at?Oh, now we're getting nosy, aren't

we?No, I just, you know, if you're going

to wash my house, I'd like to know

there's something about you. Well, where

do you?You don't need to know where I'm

coming from if I'm coming to your house.

So I was wondering how many burners you

had on your stove. No,

I I'm just out the door. I'm late for an

appointment. Oh, boy. I got to go. Who

are you meeting?Another house sitter?No.

After you've led me on, I've got to

leave. I'm late. I've got somebody out

there waiting for me. Nice talking to

you. OK. Arson. I mean, awesome. That'll

be awesome. Bye, bye. Awesome.

Action video. May I help you?OK, I

need some advice. There's a there's a

video that I'm looking for. My name's

George Zuko. Hi. There's a

video that I'm looking for that's like a

science fiction. It had to do with like

outer space. It was very. What's the name

of it?Now see, that's that's the problem.

I I don't know the name. I know it was

very popular and it had a lot of

different characters in it. So like,

how old movie is it?Well, I I don't know.

I I think it was in from the 70s. It's

about a w*r. Well, we don't have it.

Well, wait, wait a second. It's about a

w*r in space. It takes place a

while ago. In fact, I think even

in the beginning of of the movie they

say, you know, I know we don't have it.

Well, it has Jabba the Hutt, I think is

one of the characters. We don't have it,

partner. I know we don't. I think. I think

I think the director's name was George

Locus. I don't have it. I don't have any

way of getting it. Do

you know the name of the movie?I don't

know what the name of it is. I just know

we don't have any science fiction movies

like that. Then how could you know

that... Because we don't have any science

fiction movies. It was Robot

C3BM. We don't have any.

Look, I'll help you out. It rhymes with

car doors. Look, I don't have time for

games. We do not do science fiction

movies. Now don't call me

back again. I'm helping you out. No

you're not. Don't call me back again.

Action Video. May I help you?

Would you just say Star

Wars?Barner, I know what you want. We

do not have it. Now quit calling

here. I'm going to call the police. Say

it. Just say it.

Yes, my name is John Tierney from

the Office of Product Placement and

Location. I just need a few moments of

your time. Yeah, go ahead. All right. We

had an inspector at the site. Yes. He

reported to me that you had many products

in your store that are way too oblong. I

can't hear too good too well. Just please

cooperate. OK. I could write up a

citation right now. I don't want to do

that. I'm trying to. You want to look up

these regulations on your website. OK.

The website is

HTTPWWHTTTP.

OK HTTPP

colon. Owen colon. Colon.

Yes. No, no, it's a colon. It's a dot

over a dot. Oh, dot.

You'll see it when you get to the

keyboard. Colon. It's the greatest. It's

it's right on the lower right. Then

slash, slash, slash,

slash, slash. And not the word slash.

These are slashes we're talking about.

www.www

dot office of product placement dot

office of product placement product

placement dot Willie Stargell.

I'm really I I can't get this down. OK,

I'm going to spell it out then.

WILLIEWWILLIEIESTA

like star. STA like star.

Yes, star.

RRGELGEL.

Then another LL slash

appendectomy.

Listen, Sir, I

understand. And I have, you know, for

this, I have time because I know you're

cooperating and I appreciate it. OK.

Yeah. Slash appendectomy. ErnestBorgnine.

APPENAPPENENDENDEN.

Dectomy. Right.

Dectomy. Dectomy. How do you spell that?

OK. All right, Sir. Fine.

DECDEC.

tom-tom. Tom is like Sierra. Tom.

Like Tommy Hilfiger. tom-tom. Yeah. Tom.

Without the MY. Yes.

Me. EY. Now you add AYB.

No, noAYY. OK.

Ernest Borgnine. How do you spell that?

OK, All right. You obviously didn't see

Marty, but that's fine.

ERNER.

NESTENTSTARSTARGELLARGELLELL,

right?Yes. OK, half a

cup of brown sugar. Brown sugar.

Half a cup. Excuse me, 1/2

one slash 2. Back to our friend the

slash. I

appreciate your cooperation. It's only

going to be another 70 minutes.

Hello, Ryan. Yes, Ryan, this is

Adam Corolla. Oh, hey, what's going on?

How are you, Ryan?Doctor Drew here too.

I'm doing well. How are you guys?Good.

GoodTwo questions for you. Well,

hold on a second, Ryan. Hold on a second,

everybody. OK. You're eager for the

fray, buddy. We're going to take this

phone call to possibly put it on the best

of show. We're banking calls for that.

OK. And there is a



reflected in your next phone bill.

I'm by myself.

Good afternoon. Yes. Um, may I have

the display department or whoever takes

care of the mannequins?Oh, well, there

isn't anyone here today who would help

you with that. You would need to call

back on Monday. Well, maybe you can

help me then. Yeah, I have a problem with

the mannequins in that store. I feel

that they are oppressive to real women

like myself. You know, you got the little

size 2 mannequins. Real women don't

look like that with your little size 2

mannequins. Now I look like a house. What

would you like me to do about that now

for you?Put some cellulite on them. How

are you going to put cellulite on them,

ma'am?When?WhenI mean, just make them

bigger. Just mannequins are, you know,

give them like coins on their toes and

pimples on on on their butt and saggy

breasts. I want. I want what real women

look like. Those mannequins, they put

pressure on me. Now I got. I'm never

going to be a size 2. OK, look, what size

are you?What size am I?Yes. I'm

anywhere from an 8 to a 12. It depends on

who's making the clothes. OK, exactly.

What?What is your name?What?Priscilla.

Priscilla. Now admit it. Don't you think

when you you look at those mannequins,

don't you feel like they're judging you?

Like they just looking at you going, look

at me, I'm all thin. I'm a size



legs. No, I don't want to talk to a man

about this. Men don't understand. You

know what?If men. Well, I'm going to tell

you, men, they are the oppressors. That's

why they call them manokins. I

want to see the cottage cheese thighs on

those mannequins. Make them look like

real women. Yeah. OK, ma'am. So, all

right. So I, you know, like I want to

see, I want to see the little burn marks

on their on their shoulder where the bra

strap has been cutting into their

shoulder blades. That's what I want to

see. I want to see. I want to see them

bloated. So you're seriously affected by

the size of the. Yes, I am. I want to see

ashy elbows. I want to see

that. I want to see some crust. I want to

see some crust in their eyes. OK, hold

on, please. Hold on. I want to see more

realistic poses. Yeah, yeah, you have

to speak to Susan. Holding their little

aching backs. Yeah, I'm going to have to

cut you off then, because I want to see

scars from a C-section. Have a good

day. Priscilla, we got to fight this.

Have a good day. Bye bye. I want to see

crusted nipplesTake care. OK, bye

bye. Priscilla, I want to see a mole with

a hair coming out of it.

Yeehaw.