02x15 - David Alan Grier & Super Dave Osborne

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't

really matter No, it doesn't really

matter 'Cause we'll all be doubled over

with laughter At the expense of others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight?Crank

Yankers!

Hi, it's Jodi Kipperman. Hi, Jodi. How

are you?Very good. How you doing?Very

good. I am an assistant to George Wendt.

Are you familiar with Mr. Wendt?Of

course. Well, who's not?

Exactly. We're trying to build some

excitement around George and

we'd like to get him in the news. And

what we were thinking is it would be

terrific if he had a

stalker, a young

lady who made it her.

Her fantasy, her delusion to stalk him

wherever he goes, to maybe break into his

home, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I

was wondering if you had any

actresses who could pull this off.

I do. I guess the big question would be

what it would mean to their career. Well,

we could use a different name. Of course,

no charges will be pressed. And after

this gives the spark that puts them back

in the tips of everyone's tongues. Then,

of course, she would silently fade away.

Perhaps we'd pretend she was k*lled, but

we would be looking for someone between

the ages of 25 and 40. Attractive

Margot Kidderesque. A young,

insane Margot Kidder. Someone who

looks like she's.

How do I say this?f*cked

in the head?OK. Are

you in LA?Yes. OK, because there's a

girl, Jessica Wood, who's in LA. Is she

crazed?Does she have a crazed look on her?

She could. She could easily. Now we would

need her to get a tattoo that says I

love you, George. I want you, George.

Went. And it could be a temporary one. We

would like a permanent tattoo put on her

body. Yes, maybe just a small tattoo of

his face. Put on her neck or maybe near

her heart, just above her breast. I'll

tell you, that makes a big difference.

Yes. Because there are most actresses who

want to someday be a known actor do

not want to do a permanent tattoo. You

know, you can have those things removed

with laser and and whatnot. Well, I

would say that Jessica would certainly be

someone you should meet. He goes to IHOP

every morning. OK. One of the things that

we're going to want to do is to go in

there and just start screaming crazy at

him. I want you. I love you. You broke my

heart. Maybe throw pancakes in his face.

Well, Jessica would really be. Oh, she

would be good at that. Could she take a

punch?If anyone could, she could. She's

an idiot. Now tell me about her

sexually. Sexually. Yes. I

I I don't know. If we could work a

scenario where she breaks into his home

and actually sexually assaults slash

r*pes George. I don't think that's ever

happened to a male, but male celebrity

before. I love this plan. What do you

think of it?I I'm not sure. It's very.

Tell me you love it. Tell me you love it,

please. I love it. I I'm.

I'mAll right. Just get me that crazy

b*tch and we'll get going on this. Very

good. Thank you. Thank you. Bye, bye,

shnookums. Bye.

This is Las Vegas, Lisa. How can I help

you?Tony Deloge, District Selectman.

My associate Biff Rosner went in there

for lunch and he has not come back to the

office. Is he with the party or no, he

went in there by himself. He's got a

T-shirt on that says Deloge loves

cleavage. All right. I don't see any

tables in here that are sitting by

themselves. You don't?No. Is he

supposed to be waiting for you?No. He was

supposed to come back to work. He's a

drinker. Now, let me ask you this.

Can I come in there now and have a nice

free meal while we wait for Beth?Not a

free meal, no. Well, what am I supposed

to do?Pay for a meal while I'm waiting

for my associate?Do you know that I'm a

selectman?That you are a what?A

district selectman.

OK, well, I I can't give out free meals.

I'm not authorized to do that. You're

not. What if I slip you a





much?If you're gonna spend $10, let me

say one thing. My my campaign is the loge

can be bought. OK, I

understand that. But we don't give away

free food here. I'm not asking for free

food. I'll slip a 5 in your cleavage and

you'll give me a free meal. No, you don't

slip fives in cleavages. You don't?No.

They look like mailboxes to me. No.

That may be your opinion, but that's not

how we run things here. All right, I will

come over. I will go in the back. You

won't even notice me. You'll give me a

meal and then I'll run out. No.

Well, how am I going to get out without

paying?You're not. You have to pay for

your meal. But you can't charge a

selectman. I'm a government official.

I park in the handicapped places.

That's fine. If you want to park in

handicapped spaces, you come in here,

you're going to pay for your meal. The

whole thing?Yes. What about a tip?

Yeah, you have to tip your waitress, too.

All right, well, here's what I'm going to

do. I'm going to come over. You'll sit me

in the back. You'll give me a meal, then

you'll look to the right. I'll slip you 5

and I'll be out before you know it. Is

that OK?Can't do that. Sorry. You're more

than welcome to come down here. But we're

really busy, so I can't sit here and chat

with you. Can I ask you one question?What?

Can I come in there and sit in the back

and you'll give me a meal and I'll sit in

the back. You do. OK. Let me ask you a

question. Do you have a bar?Yes. Can I do

this?Can I come in, slip you 5?I'll sit

at the bar, order a drink, have some

meals. I'll faint. My people will carry

me out and that'll be done. No. Sorry.

Yes.

This is Judy. Can I help you?Judy, my

name is Burcham. You guys do the

low cost sea burials?Yes, we do. All

right. My uncle lives in the Portland

area and he just passed today

and it was his wishes to be scattered out

over the Bay. Mm-hmmBut let

me ask you this. Once you're on the boat,

what do you do?Basically, you have the

boat for an hour, so you can do a service

on the boat if you want. And what about

if you drop the ashes early, you had a

little time to k*ll?Could you do some

sport fishing?No. All right.

Well, I'll tell you what, do you guys,

does this come with a preacher or a

priest or anything or?No, you supply all

that and that would be within your 30

guests. It comes with the skipper and the

deckhand. And that's it. So that's all

right. I'll bring my first mate, Gus, the

G frocked Jesuit. He knows all the

religions, so he'll do that. And

we'll just take the boat for an hour and

then just do a little sport fishing,

right?The deckhand and the captain will

not allow fishing on an ashes to sea.

Yeah, but the spirit of the Mariner. I

mean, if I grease their palms a little

bit, yeah, understand I'm grieving, don't

get me wrong. But I'm just coming all the

way out there to Oregon and my wife's in

a horrible way. And I was supposed to go

fishing this weekend anyway. You

understand?It's the way I grieve, the way

I cope with the pain. OK, there's still

no fishing on an ashes to see. Even if

it's not off a rod. Even if it's just a

drop line. There's no fishing on an ashes

to see. All right, well, listen, I'll

tell you what. We'll come down there.

I'll bring my rig just to play it safe.

Not saying it's going into the water.

Just gonna bring it along and we'll see

how it goes. OK.

You guys still bait?No. You got weights.

You got all the tackle. They're not going

to rig a pole for you. How much is the

cremation?I don't do cremations. You'll

have to talk to the Funeral Home in

Portland. Oh, it's got to be. We can't

just slide them off. No. Take a couple

of five gallon milk, milk cartons, fill

them with water, use some zip ties around

his feet and just toss them in. No. Well,

who's going to know?I will know and the

skimper will know. And that's ill*gal to

do off their boat. Save myself some

cremation money and we get to fishing.

Crack a few beers and enjoy it. That's

the way you would have wanted it. Well,

you'll have to call us with the credit

card and stuff when you make up your mind

and make a reservation. All right. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. You have a hell of

a way of dealing with the grieving. Bye.

Bye. How about I dice them up?We got a

nice chum slick going.

Hello. Hi. Are you the paranormal

investigators?Yes, we are. Hi. That's

on my check. How are you doing?Good. How

are you?Not too bad. Good. What is your

name?Jay Bergard. OK. I

think that there is something in my

house. It's been going on for

probably about six weeks now. Now, has

there been any type of traumatic

experience or death within your family

over the course of the past six weeks?No,

nothing like that at all. OK. It's a

little bit. Kind of like

sexual. Interesting. And it's weird

because I just got implants like 6 weeks

ago, so I don't know if that has anything

to do with it. An implant?Yeah. Of

what?Oh, implant. Like breast implants?

HuhNow, did the entity start with

the same time period?Yeah, it was pretty

much like the next day. All righty then.

Well, this is a interesting one. OK, go

on. Well, OK, here's here's what's been

happening. It gets OK. The lights start

flickering. It gets very cold. And then I

feel. I feel hands on my

breasts, and The thing is, it's really

not bothering me. I'd like to

actually consummate this with him. I

think that would make him happy. And then

maybe he'd go away. Whatever you've

consummated with other males. Did they go

away?No, that's a good point. They

usually stick around. But thank you.

Well, let me be blunt. I think you do

have a high sex drive. Yeah. OK, well

then basically that's what's feeding the

alleged entity, right?Especially if

you're you're multiple orgasmic, you're

literally, you know, creating a

smorgasbord for this entity, which is

preventing it to actually have more

cohesion of a physical variety within

this reality. I see. OK,

so how do I actually get the ghost to

poke me in the buttHow do I what?How do I

actually get the ghost to poke me?In the

butt preferably. OK, let's say, for

example, if you were to get on your bed

and let's say take a doggy position. OK,

let me do that now. OK. Visualize your

imaginary lover mounting you from behind.

OK. If you feel the sensation, then

obviously you know that it's possible.

You want to come watch just

for lab shift and giggles. Do you have

access to a computer or?No, not right

now. OK, Because basically what I was

going to say is if you could ever get

photographs. Of some of your experiments

or some of your attempts. And if you

could possibly send them to me like by

e-mail, that would be beautiful. OK,

you're not just trying to see pictures of

my implants, are you?It would purely be

scientific. I'm not saying that there

wouldn't be a part of me that wouldn't

go, hmm, nice spot. Yeah, and and you

can. That's OK. That's actually, you

know, exciting for me. Well, hey, baby,

whatever turns you out. But, you knowAll

right, well, I'm going to let you go. So

I will call you back and get your e-mail

address as soon as I get some photos of

this. Yeah, might actually want to do a

movie on this subject. Exactly. All

right. Well, thank you so much for your

help. And thank you for the illumination.

You're very welcome. Thank you, Mr.

Ghostbuster. OK. Not a problem. Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Good afternoon. This is Sterling. How may

I help you?Hi. Listen,

I got a guy in my store. He's been

wandering around. The store seems

disoriented. He's been here for a couple

hours now and he gave me this phone

number. Could you guys come pick him

up?Hold on, hold on. He wants, he wants

the phone here. I like, I'm hungry. I'd

like to come and get my food now. OK. Who

am I speaking with?This is

Stompy. Stompy. Stompy.

Can y'all come get me?OK, let me

speak to the guy. The other guy. Hold on.

What's your name?My name is Charlene.

Charlene. Charlene.

I want to get to know you.

But let me speak to the other gentleman.

Hey, you like the Blues, baby?

Hold on a second. I need to get the

nurse. OK. Oh, look out. Charlene.

Charlene. OK, look,

I'm. I'm going to have to hang up on you.

I don't know who you are. I says my

name's Tom. OK. And unless I can get the

directions to the store. I'm going to

sing the directions. I'm. I'm going to

sing. You go down the hill

till you get to the fork. In

the road. Now you're very

right. That's the right way to

go. When you get the stop

sign, don't you keep

rolling. Keep going.

How you doing, man?I'm hungry. Excuse me?

Yeah. Hold on. Hold on, brother. I'm

going to talk to you, the man. Yeah,

listen, this guy's been in my store for

about 3 hours. Could you come get him?

I have no idea who that is.

I don't know who it is here. Did you just

come pick him up?Get the hand off me,

man. Why?Why would I have to be able to

come grab him if he doesn't live here?All

right. Do you starve your residence?You

turn a hose on them?What other kind of

t*rture do you perpetrate?Sir, who?Who

are you?And have you ever been in a

nursing home?And I would. I would like it

if you do not make judgments without

coming here. How dare you?How

dare you, Sir?Before I manage this

mini market, I managed Country

Squire Nursing Home for 22

years. I knew the nickname of every

one of my residents because I took the

time to get to know them. As do I know

the nicknames of my. Well, obviously you

don't know the nickname of every resident

because you don't know Stumpy. He can

just die of syphilis in jail. That's

fine. OK, that's great. I'll see you in

hell, OK?

Abilene Children's Library. Hi, who's

this?This is Cheryl. Hi,

Cheryl, this is N, and I just want to let

you know that I learned my ABCs today.

Well, good job. Yay!

Yay! Yes. A, B, C,

D. E.

E. F. Oh, wait, hold on, let

me do it. A, B, C, D,

E, F.

Welcome to F. E.

G?Uh-huhYay, I love

G! Yeah, that's a good letter, isn't it?

Yay! Okay,

so it goes A, B, Z, D...

E, F, G... F, V,

G! H, I...

Yeah?YeahYou're getting

there. Keep going.

H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P.

QRSTUVWXY and

Z. Yay! Yay!

Now I know my ABCs.

Next time, won't you sing with me?I just

wish that I could pee.

Okay, well, we'll let you go then. No,

no, I gotta get it right or I'm gonna get

in trouble.

ABFDCBHIKB.

ADFESYTOBUNLECDFEHNNNRTOB.

Yay, you're done. I'm done?Yeah.

Yay! I know my ABCs. Yay! Good

job. Thank you. Bye-bye. I have to go

poo. Yay, I'm gonna poo.

Hello. Thomas Cameron, please. Speaking.

Thomas, this is Tony DeLoge, your

district selectman. Hello.

Is this Cameron?Yes. All right. This is

Tony DeLoge, your district selectman.

Would you like me to speak slower?No, I'd

like you to hang up. Oh, wait a minute,

Cameron. You voted for me, and I'm trying

to give back to the constituency. I

am planning a sleep in. With my

boaters, where I will come to your house,

spend a couple of nights on your couch,

and we'll talk about what you need.

Goodbye, Cameron.