02x14 - Jimmy Kimmel & Gilbert Gottfried

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter No,

it doesn't really matter

'Cause we'll all be doubled over with

laughter At the expense of others, maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight?Crank Yankers!

Security Finance, this is Lori. How may I

help you?Hi, Lori. My name is Bobby

Fletcher. I'm calling about a loan. Have

you been at your job and at your

residence for a year or longer?Well, I

usually go home after work.

Have you been employed with the same

employer for a year or longer?Is this?Are

you going to be asking me a million

questions here?I just want to get the

loan. Yes, it's it's about a million and

a half. I really don't have time. I was

just hoping you guys can lend me a few



have you got the right lottery number?

What are you talking about?For a few

thousand that quick?No, but I'm just

hoping, you know, do we have to ask all

these questions?I mean, it's just a few



borrowing half a million or something.

Well, even if it's just 120, we still

have to ask the same amount of questions.

Yes. Great. All

right, sh**t. Last name

Fletcher. First name Bobby.

And how much money were you looking for

today?2-3 grand.

We don't go up that high on personal

property loans, Sir. It's not for

personal properties. Just do a bookie. I

got to pay off. We don't go that high

for any reason. All

right, just give me 700 then. Make it

quick. All right. No more questions. 700,

you would have to have a clear car title

loan. Yeah, I got a car. You have a clear

car title in your name. Yeah, it's a

well, it's a rent a car, but whatever.

I'll just give you that for collateral.

No, Sir. What do you mean no?It has to be

a clear car title in your

name. Yeah, yeah, whatever. I got that.

Next. You told me it was a rental car.

Yeah, same crap. Whatever. Just keep

going. What's the next question?Sir,

we're not going to be able to help you if

you won't listen to the questions. I want

to walk in there. You give me the cash. I

leave. How's that?That doesn't work that

way. Well, it's going to have to work

that way because I'm very impatient. Sir,

I can't change company policy just for

you.

Because I

need the money, all right?Well, I can't

give it to you under the terms you're

requesting. You know, this is ridiculous.

How do you, how do you guys do business

over there?Sir, I don't have to take this

application. You know, I don't even have

to get a loan with you guys either, but

I'm sticking with it. Where you live?Is

it a house, apartment or mobile home?It's

a mobile home. And who do you rent a

mortgage with?This guy, Pete.

And the phone number I can verify that

at. I don't know. He don't have a phone.

And who are you employed?All right. My

friend Steve. I work. Me and my friend

Steve work together. We sell blunts.

And the phone number I can verify that

at. Actually, you have to call him at the

phone booth. And how long have you been

employed by Steve?Me and him have been

working together for a few months now.

Well, I can tell you now you're not

going. We're not going to be able to help

you. Why?Number one, you

don't have a verifiable income. Number

two, you don't have a verifiable

residence. Um

There's just no way we'd be able to help

you.

Good afternoon, Ben Mart. Hello there.

I need help with this adjustable bet I

bought off you people. What's the matter

with it?I'm stuck in it.

Really?He's folded up on me here

and I can't get out of it.

I'm trying to push the button. Yeah?

But I think I'm pushing the wrong thing

here. Okay.

I'm 84 years old here.

Okay. And I need to know what to

do. Is there is there

somebody there that can help you?My

wife can't hear me because she's got the

TV on and she's hard of

hearing. Yeah. I was

watching a program

on the Discovery Channel

about gorillas. Yeah.

And I tried to turn up the volume,

but my feet kept going up and

my neck. What up to?

And now I'm suffocating between

the pillows here. I need to

know which button to push. Uh

Somebody help me here. Well,

what?I guess just hit the button that

says down. I can't read it now. I'm

only feeling it here, but I'm scared

to push the wrong one. Well,

I'll push something else then, I guess.

My neck. Is where my head should

be and my knees

are up in my throat here. Well, I

don't know what to tell you. I'm tasting

myself here. How?How did you?

How did you happen to call this phone

number?Don't get wise with me, young

fella. Help me out here.

I don't know what to do. I mean, push

some other button. I don't know what to

do either here. Hold

on. I'm going to push this button.

Well, uh, how many buttons are there?

That's the wrong way. That's the wrong

one. What kind of a device are you

people building here?Well, we didn't

build it. Somebody could get k*lled like

this. My foot is

right near my face right now. And

my bedpan tipped over.

Get over here right away. I can't

lock the door up and run over there. My

grandson's an attorney and I'm gonna sue

you people. Call 911.

Oh, ohh that's a good idea. Yeah. All

right, I'll call you back tomorrow. Okay.

All right.

Hello. HelloIs this the doll shop?

Oh, well, it must be. I beg

your pardon. I believe it is.

Are you having fun with me?I thought

this was a place of business. I

apologize. I'm sorry. I didn't realize

that it was a paint huffing party. Yes,

this is a this is a doll place.

It's not a store, though. I'm looking to

have some custom made doll clothing made.

Is this the right place?Yes, it is. All

right. Now let me tell you a little bit

about what I'm looking for. All right.

OK. It's a rather large job.

All right. It's the doll itself stands

quite tall. The dimensions are

about 42 waist.



No, I'm sorry. I don't make large size

doll clothing. All right, you caught me.

The clothes shall be for me.

OK, well, I truthfully, I feel a

innocent joy at dressing identically to

my childhood playthings. And I was given

your number to that possibly you can make

doll clothing that would accommodate a

person of my size. I don't sew for

humans. I only sew for dolls. I'm

barely human. You should see me on

Saturday night. I'm sure you're more than

human. Looking at me,

you would think I was made of nothing but

felt and foam rubber. I think. I

think they may have made a Twilight Zone

episode out of that. I'll tell you

something. Most of my weekends could be a

Twilight Zone episode.

All right, here's some of the dolls that

have been an inspiration to me that I'd

like to maybe touch upon. Something like

My Little Pony or. Kitty carry all or a

strawberry shortcake or or a Cabbage

Patch. I could be a Cabbage Patch child

rising out of the Cabbage Patch. A living

doll so cute with my little freckles.

Your laugh makes me want to nestle in

your alabaster bosom.

All right, when you're looking at me, I

want you to think Jean Benet only a

large, middle-aged British man and alive.

How about something really elegant?I like

it. Like a Madame Alexander doll. Like a

Madame Alexander doll. All right, well,

listen, love, I'm going to drop by the

shop. I'll buzz you back, will measure me

up, and will turn me into a living doll.

Sound wonderful?We'll have such fun. I

love it. I love it. Ta ta.

Oh, hi, my name is Gladys Murphy

and I'm with a charity organization. It's

called Holidays for the Homeless. OK, And

what what we do is we have like a group

of. 100 homeless people, right?And we

bring them into your store, into the

sacks, and we let them just go on a wild

shopping spree and then whatever

merchandise they grab off the racks, we

pay for it. Oh my God. Yeah, wow. We

did this last year and they went nuts.

They loved it. I mean, they were

snatching Donna Karen off the

rack. I mean, I'm surprised how fashion

conscious the homeless are. Oh, do you

want to come in and and sit down and talk

with me?This is something I would love to

do. No. All we need to do is just set a

date and I'll I'll round up the homeless

and we just run in there and

snatch and grab. We got they

snatch and grab. I see. And how do they

get here?Where do they come from?Man, we

sometimes we pile them up on the bus.

Sometimes they just they just wander

in. You know, but like I said, don't,

don't worry. We, you know, we clean up

everything. You know, we'll we'll

fuel gate last year. Last year we had a

problem. A couple of the other homeless

gentlemen, you know, peed in elevators.

But you know, they sometimes you lose

your manners when you've been out on the

street for a long time. Like I said, we

clean all that up. Don't worry about

that. Not a problem. We had a problem

last year, Bloomingdale's cause they

cause they had some of the the mannequins

weren't like fully clothed. So yeah,

so a couple of the guys, you know, they

next thing you know, they look over

there. They they humping the mannequins.

Oh my God.

Yes. Oh boy. So like I said, they'll be

homeless, some wh*res a few crackheads.

But I'm gonna tell you, it's gonna be

fine. We strip them down first. They

they're comfortable walking around naked.

Yes. And they will be delouse. We, you

know, we spray them, get all whatever.

Bugs and stuff they have and we strip

them down. I I don't know about them

walking in the doors naked. Oh, they have

to you believe me. Would they be arrested?

No, no, noYou don't want them coming in

there with with with in their condition

that they're in, right. You're wonderful

to be involved with this organization. If

we brought them things in there, you

know, fresh off the street, right. You

have to demolish that building. Oh my

God, just just make sure your insurance

is that you're covered under. Acts of

God, bodily functions. I don't know

anything like that. Let me speak to the

general manager for security and I'll

call you back on Monday. Thank you so

much. OK. All right. Have a wonderful

weekend, Gladys. God bless the naked

homeless. Ah, God bless

you, Gladys. OK. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Hi, this is Jackie. Can I help you?Yes,

hi, I need to send a singing telegram.

Okay. Do you do humorous telegrams?

Yeah. You do?Or like costumes?

Sure, costume would be funny. That would

sort of, you know, add a little something

to it. But basically what I

needed to say is something like

I banged that heifer wife of yours when

she was still wicked hot.

Now, I know that sounds out there, but

believe me, I got my reasons. Well, I got

money. You know, I I did the settlement.

I got run over by a drunk off duty cop,

you know, so I it's it's really, you

know, whatever. I can cover the cost. OK.

So you're going to write your own thing?

Well, yeah, I'll write my own thing. OK.

And here's. I want to let this high

school buddy of mine, Arthur Albertson,

know that I banged his wife 23 years ago.

It ought to say something about how I'll

be out on my yacht in the harbor with all

my settlement money, watching the socks

banging wh*res while he and his fat a*s

wife are trying to make ends meet on a

cop's salary. If you want, you can write

it and then give it to us. So the guy can

just go over and flap his yap like that,

huhYeah. Bear with me. I'm still pissed

off here. Yeah, I see that. And if you

could add a if you could add a sort of a

post f*cking script, any beating I

get will be totally worth it for the

revenge factor. Right, buddy?

OK. I'm sorry. I got about an ounce of

beefeater in me. You know, I haven't had

anything to eat all day. I tell you what.

Here we go. I got it now. I'm gonna tell

the whole damn town your wife was good

when she went down. Your wife's a dirty

wh*re who has no class. She

even let me stick it in her a*s

Can you do that?No. The

melody should be better than that. It

should be more well constructed. I do

have money. I mentioned the telegrammer's

not gonna say that to somebody. I'm

sorry. Honey, 500 bucks. This chump has

it coming to him. It doesn't matter about

the price. The telegrammer's not gonna

say that. 1000 bucks. Well, you can't do

that. I'm sorry. I got the settlement

money. Listen, what do I gotta do?Well, I

find that you gotta settlement, but I

can't go up to somebody and have a

telegrammer say that you suck it in

somebody's wife's assWhat are you doing,

baby?I'm rich. I thought the

customer was always right. Well, not in

this case. Bye. Bauer

Drug. Is this Bauer Drugs?Bauer Drug. Uh

huhOh, great. OK. Listen,

I have a problem, but let me preface it

by by saying I'm not one to point

fingers and I don't, you know, want to

sound like sour grapes. And

above all, I don't want to speak out of

school because far be it for me to to be

someone to to do that. Uh huh

And and and don't get me wrong, please. I

mean, I've dealt with the drugstore

before. What's concerning, Sir?Well, it's

not so much a concern as it is a problem.

And I believe that people should bite the

b*llet. OK. And let me just preface my

preface by saying that I know you guys

are doing a good job and you're doing the

best you can. OK. And and stop me if if

if I come across as rude, you know,

because all right, go ahead. And again, I

don't want to be a naysayer. OK. People

who live in a glass house shouldn't throw

stones. And I'm not throwing a stone. I'm

not casting aspersions or anything. All

right, Sir. I guess the problem is, and

let me preface my preface of the preface

by saying that people could do whatever

they want to do, and I'm not going to

stop someone from doing what they want to

do if it's their job. I mean, that's what

they do. And sometimes people make a

mistake and to errors is only human.

And let me preface my preface of

prefacing the preface from before. I

don't want to put the cart before the

horse. That's what I'm really trying to

say, OK?Well, what's the problem?

I believe you should take lemons and make

lemonade out of them. That's that's what

that's what the phone call is about. And

and that's what the problem is. You know,

I take the bull by the horns. Some people

say I March to the beat of a different

drummer. Sounds like you do. Well, I

I don't know if that was meant to be

sarcastic or not, but I I that doesn't

matter to me because, you know, I say

live and let live. You know, it takes two

to tango. You know, I don't want to judge

a book by its cover. OK, here's my

question. Let's just cut to the chase

here. Do you take personal checks?

No, Sir, we don't. No, you don't. OK.

Thank you. I'm sorry for taking your time

up. Bye, bye.

Good afternoon. m*rder Mystery

Incorporated. Oh, yes. Hi.

So you plan these kind of

m*rder mysteries. We do. Oh, yes. And

your name, please. My name is Susan.

Susan. That's Italian. OK, my name is

George Zuko. What I want to know

if in this m*rder mystery scenario, if

it could be my wife is the m*rder victim.

Can you set it up like that?But if your

wife gets k*lled, she's not going to be

there to enjoy the party. Well, yeah,

see, but the point of the matter is that

it's a little embarrassing to talk about.

But my wife and I are getting divorced

soon. Uh-huhWe have a son, and

I think it would be easier for him if he

could see his mother dead first.

I I'd like for my own good to see her

dead. Maybe. I don't know. Do you have

like makeup artists there?

Of course. Yes. So maybe if you could

make like sort of like chunks of her

skull missing with like

brain matter dripping out of the side.

And I think my son would kind of enjoy

that cause he likes monster movies

because he he would see her dead. He'd

cry about that, how viciously she's been

m*rder*d. And then he'd feel better when

he just learns we're getting divorced.

Well, I don't know how we can help you,

Sir. I mean, we can do m*rder misery for

you. I need to k*ll the b*tch off. Yeah,

well, we can't k*ll your wife, Sir. Well,

could you give her, like, a light beating?

We we don't do that sort of thing. You

know, we're an entertainment company and

we really don't do that sort of thing.

Damn it. I have to k*ll somebody. I have

to take another call at this time. If

you'd like to leave your name and number,

I can have somebody else call you back.

Oh, OK, that that would be fine. Who

would be calling me back?I'll have

somebody else give you a call back. And

he would be the k*ller. No, Sir. We, like

I said, we are not. We we are an

entertainment company. We do not actually

k*ll people. Oh, well, my wife's death

would be very entertaining.