02x11 - Jimmy Kimmel & Fred Armisen

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter

No, it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Library. Hi there, my name is Terrence

Catheter. And I'm the assistant to Lady

JK Rowling and she is visiting

small town libraries and JK would like

to stop by and have a little signing and

just have a big party there for her fans.

Wow. This sounds great.

Here's what we would like to do. JK

hates children, so the children would

not be allowed to touch her. What we'd

like them to do is toss the books

to me, her assistant, and then I'll

present them to her and she'll sign them.

Are you really serious?I'm absolutely

serious, yes. OK, a lot of celebrities

don't like to be touched by their public.

OK, She would like to have a youngish

man standing next to her. Young,

handsome, rugged, willing to party and

have a good time. OK, good, goodI'm

glad you're writing this down. Also,

fruit punch. She loves fruit punch. Fruit

punch. OK, so let's go over those things

if we could. Tell me what you have

written down there. OK. She

hates children. Hates children. Yes. Toss

the books to you, the assistant. Uh huh

You'd like to have a youngish man. Yes.

Someone handsome, stocky, strong,

stocky. Someone single too, preferably

single. Now I can't promise this.

Remember. Well, do your best because she

won't come in unless he's there. She

won't. No. OK, no. Single. Ready to

party. Ready to party. OK, ready to

party. Yes. I'll be honest with you. She

likes to have sex with these men when

she's in a town. This is

just getting a little too wild. I know, I

knowIt is an unusual thing. But JK is an

unusual and special lady who loves

men, who loves life, who hates children,

who loves to party. That's fine. And I

don't. Right. Let's just finish the list

and make sure we have everything. Tell me

what else you have there. Fruit punch.

She would also like a spray bottle filled

with the fruit punch so she can spray the

children if they can get too close to

her. Spray bottle to spray

children. Right.

In the eyes. Yes, in the eyes or the face

or wherever. And not one of those

misters. We'll need a nice straight

stream. OK. Her chant, which

everyone at the library should learn and

should say when she walks in the room,

which is Yitka doll, Yitka dash, Mika

Zumba. Can you say that for me?No, I'm

not gonna write that down. You don't need

to write it down, but I need you to

repeat it back to me. I'm willing to work

with you, but please, let's just get this

done. OK. I need her check made out to JK

Rowling's Industries. And how much

is this?$45,000?I cannot authorize

this. Listen, she'd be willing to give it

right back to the library if I could just

get the chant from you once. OK, what is

it again?Yika doll. Yika dash. Mika

Zumba. Yika doll. Yika dash. Yika Zumba.

Mika Zumba. One more time and do it with

some energy. No, that's a no. I just need

a little energy from you. No. If you

could just think it to yourself, that

would be fine. OK. OKThink it in your

head. Are you thinking it in your?

Yes, I am. Thank you. You've been so

sweet. Thank you. Bye.

Oh, JK. I was just talking to the light.

JK.

JK. JK.

Media relations?Is this the baseball team?

Yeah. Take me out to the ball

game. Take me

out to the ball game.

Yay! Hello?

Hello Lady?No, I'm

a man. Take me out to the ball

game. Yay!

Yay! Ball games!

Sounds good. Hey, lady. I'm a

man. I love the

Beavers. Yay,

Beavers. I love Beavers. Right

on. I want to sing. Take

me out to the ball

game. Buy me

some p*nis and cr*cker Jacks.

That's pretty good. Root. Root.

Root for the.

h*m*,

h*m* want

to sing at the halftime.

Yay, halftime. That's great.

I think we'll sign you up. I know all the

songs. That just sounds like one song to

me. Oh, say,

can you see?Yay,

I can see. Yay.

Yay, I can see.

You go. I'm almost out of

breath. You should be.

Yay.

I gotta go now. I gotta go. Bonnie. Yay.

OK.

Hello. Hi, Rachel. Yeah. Hi, this is Ira

Farmstein from from the college. I'm a

professor in the psych department. I'm

filling out a little survey here. Okay.

And, you know, they want to, you know,

create a relationship between, you know,

students and faculty, especially the

students who are doing particularly well

and have a lot of potential to, you know,

maximize in a holistic way their whole

experience here, not only academically,

but, you know. But, you know, emotionally

and and physically, you know,

on a scale of one to 10, you know, how

happy are you at the school?Could you say

academically?Yeah, probably like a nine.

How could we improve the academic program?

I think my, the art programs here are

absolutely fantastic and I wouldn't

change a thing. Oh, that's good. That's

good because, oh, they love you here. I'm

telling you, they're enjoying that that

so much. How, how tall are you?51. So

you're sort of on the petite side. Yep.

But well, muscled and all. Well, I've

done. I've done gymnastics for 15 years.

Oh, no kidding. When you do the

gymnastics, do you ever get,

like, oiled up or anything?Why is that

a valid question?Yeah, I'm just going off

the book, really. Like, I'm being honest.

That's kind of freaky. Like, I know

you're from the psych department, but I'm

sorry. Listen, if I've said something

bad, I mean, tell me I'm a bad boy. You

know, just tell me I'm a bad boy. Now

that's even stranger. Like, what's wrong

here?There's something wrong here. I'm

just basically wondering if, you know,

your academic life is improving

and, you know, if you'd even consider,

you know, tying me up and slapping me in

the a*s you know, would you?Did you just

say tie you up and slap you in the assNo,

no, no, no, noI say, no, I

say pat me in the brass. Do you know that

expression pat me in the brass?Really

freaky. Hey, stop. Stop changing the

subject. We're talking about your

classes. We're talking about your

classes. Don't f*ck

are you doing?I'm always f*cking with my

head and I don't f*cking appreciate it.

Why are you talking dirty to me now?

f*cking this and f*cking that.

Your grades are good.

Yeah, my grades are good. GoodLet's

go back to the survey.

OK, here's another question. Doggy,

missionary, or reverse cowgirlI'm

not going to tell you my favorite sex

position. So if I if I

tuck it between my legs, would you

slap my bottom with a dead fish?Would you?

I'm just asking. Let me just ask straight

out. OK?You are crazy,

man. I can. I'm going to get off the

phone now. You're the pervert. You

started it. Yeah. OK, whatever. Are you

enjoying talking to me in any way?I'm

kind of. Estranged by it. I

don't know if that's the word that you

mean to use. I mean, look. Maybe not. I'm

only 19, and you're one. Oh, how old do

you think I am?How How old do I sound?

Sometimes I like to dress up like a woman

and punch myself in the face. How How old

do I sound?Uh-huhI don't

know. I love you. Later. Don't tell

anybody about this, please.

First afternoon. Hi, this is

florist. Yes, it is. Hi. What's your name?

My name is George. Hi, George. My father

passed. I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you so much. I need to

put together some flowers for the

funeral. It's going to be on Friday

morning. Are you by yourself?

Yes. I mean, is there anybody else in

your family that will also be taking

pieces?Just me and my son. But it's

it's the funeral is for my father. Your

father, Sir. Could I just go grab my

credit card and I could give you the

number?Yeah, no problem. OK. Just hold

the phone. One just a second. It's just

in the other room. Hello. Hello

Who's this?Dad, you on the phone?I'm on

the phone. Hang up, Michael. Who's this?

Hello. HelloHi. Who's this?My name is

George. Hey, George. How you doing?OK.

I'm from the florist. George, why is my

dad ordering flowers?For the funeral.

What funeral, George?What funeral?Yeah.

You said we speak with your father.

Michael, get off the phone. Hello. Are

you there, Sir?Dad, who died?This is none

of your business. Michael, this is not.

This is something I want to talk to you

about later. OK. OK, Sir, here's my

credit card number. It's Grandpa, isn't

it?Did Grandpa die?

Did you tell my son that that that my

father died?No, I did not. I just said he

said, are you ordering?Oh, my God. Oh,

no, this is bad. Michael, don't cry.

Michael, come on. Honey, don't. Hey,

sport. It's part of life. You're going to

find out sooner or later. Michael, get on

the phone for a second. Get on the phone.

Would you just tell George?Would you just

tell him that this is part of life, about

the cycle of living and dying?Because you

probably deal with it all the time. You

there, Michael?Yeah. Listen, you know,

in life there's good and bad. You know,

everybody goes through it. I'm sure you

were blessed many, many years with your

grandfather. Yeah, I'm 19. And it's like

my dad wasn't there a lot of the times

and he was my buddy. You know what I mean?

Now hold on, Michael. Well, just let me

talk to you. I work every day. Let me

talk to the guy for a second. I just. How

do you think you get those baggy jeans?

Cause I spent money on you. How do you

think I get that money?I'm your father.

You listen to me, George. I'm sorry. Hey,

you OK, buddy?Yeah. My dad is just, you

know, he comes really, he comes down

really hard. I mean, like, he thinks he

thinks I'm a pussyIf I cry about stuff,

that's why he didn't want me to know my

grandpa. But I was close to him, you know?

And, like, my dad wasn't even close to

him. Is my grandpa in heaven, do you

think?Oh, wait. Oh, Michael. OK, this is

going to be this is very strange. This is

very strange. But I just went up into

Grandpa's room and it turns out he was

he was sleeping. He's fine. He just woke

up. Oh, Jesus Christ. Dad, don't do that

to me. This is crazy. Don't do that to

me. Well, he's been out for two days. I

was sure he was dead. George, I am so

sorry about this. Maybe I could get a

congratulatory flower bouquet. But I I

really do think that since you caused so

much heartache in my son, I'm going to

have to pay a little bit less for that

bouquet.

Hello?Ma'am, I'm I'm looking to speak to

a person who resides at 615 Walnut Ave.

in Paintsville. No, this is a little town

about 5 miles south of Paintsville. Mm-hmm

Just what I thought.

Uh, are you aware of the sinkhole?Have

you noticed any soil movement?Has the

house shifted off of its

footing?Yeah. It has?Yeah.

And was the house bolted?

No. And the house has slid off of the mud

sill on top of the footing?No, it's not

slid off. It's just that the the footing

has sunk down some just a little bit.

That's why I called. There's a sinkhole

in your area. Are you aware that

there was coal mines here in this area?

Yes, and that was a conclusion that we

had come to. Part of the erosion problem

with the sedimentary level of the bedrock

and some of the sand, A&D type

sands were caused by the early

mining of that region. It's

imperative that you follow a few basic

regulations before we take care of the

sinkhole so that you or your family's not

in any imminent danger. OK. All right.

First off, no moving of any furniture.

Any sudden movement could activate the

sinkhole. Are you writing this down,

ma'am?Yes. Also, no digging

in the yard. Do you have a dog?No. How

about a Ret*rded child?A what?A

child who may enjoy digging in the yard?

Yeah. Please keep him out of the yard.

Also, no vigorous lovemaking.

Believe it or not, seen many people go

down that way. You married, ma'am?Yes.

You make love vigorously. That's none of

your business. Sorry, ma'am, but I'm

making it my business because safety's my

business. Do you agree not to engage in

any vigorous lovemaking?Yeah, I will.

If you want to come down to the city and

use one of the auxiliary garages, that'd

be perfectly fine. We encourage that.

Please refrain from flushing the toilets

more than twice a week. Would you

consider defecating into a bucket?

What would the difference be?Well, it's

the flushing of the toilet, man, that

causes the problem. Are you a big woman?

Yeah. How big do you go?

You've already told me that you make

vigorous love to your husband. So what?

Well, I'd say in the 300 to 400

range. Who is this?And by the way, your

husband deserves the Medal of Honor for

making love to a beanbag.

Yes to your point. Well, my point is, is

for the next two weeks until we can get a

rig out there. Again, no moving of any

furniture, no digging in yard,

no vigorous lovemaking. And that includes

fellatioAnd please

#2 in a bucket. No bullshit sounds off.

Ma'am. What?We're going to be bringing

the backhoe and the bobcats out there in

the next week or so. And we just

appreciate full compliance. We clear.

Yeah. As soon as I take this recording, I

just made over to the sheriff's office.

We'll see how clear we are. You recorded

this?Well, guess what?I recorded it too!

And I'm gonna put it on basic cable!

Thank you for calling Taco Bell. This is

Robert. How are you doing?This is Chief

Douglas calling from corporate

headquarters. Yeah. When you pick up the

phone, first thing you have to do is just

say hello. This is Taco Bell phone.

That's the 1st way not to get you in

trouble Mr. but you have to say this is

Taco Bell phone. This is Taco Bell phone.

Yes. OK. So it's like this. Hello, this

is Taco Bell phone. Hello, this is Taco

Bell's phone. OK, that's good. You're

doing good. What we're doing right now is

a pronunciation test because it's human

relations and we have to get this going

right. So we're going to do this just for

one minute, please. What is your name?

Robert. Robert. OK, so let's go through a

few of these menu items. OK.

Can you say plantains?Plantains. Can we

hear you say taco?Taco. Can we hear you

say burrito?Burrito. No, burrito.

No. Burrito. Burrito. Yes. So hello. This

is Taco Bell phone. Hello. This is Taco

Bell phone. Burrito. Burrito. OK.

Quesadilla. Quesadilla. Tortilla. Chick.

Tortilla. What?No. Chick. Chick. Chick.

Chick. Chick. Chick. Chick. Chick. Chick.

Chick. Chick. Tortilla chick. Tortilla

chick. Chips. You have to say OK

PS. OK. OKIce cream. Ice

cream. No, we don't serve ice cream. Why

are you saying ice cream?I thought that's

what you said. That was a trick question.

I was just goofing around with you, man.

You're doing all right. You're doing all

right. Did you work at the counter?

Periodically, yeah. OK, so let's let's

make believe I'm a customer, OK?OKAnd you

have to be polite to this guy, but you're

a little angry at him and you want him to

move along. Let's do it. OK, here I go.

Hello, Mr. Hello. But

Mr. I came up from my truck

and you really like to drink.

The Coca-Cola. I'm sorry, sir, we have

pepsi products here. Well, I'm from

America. I really like the

hamburger with the motorcycle. And I'm

drunk. Okay, um.. Robert, that's pretty

good. That's pretty good because you're

being polite to him. Yeah. And then, you

know, you gotta get him to move along.

Okay, now I'm a little kid. Hello,

mister?Yeah?Hi, do you serve

beer and alcohol for me because I'm under



serve it here. But Mr. Please, I want

narcotics and ill*gal fireworks.

I we don't serve alcohol here. You're

perfecto. You cannot tell anybody that I

called, OK?Because I'm checking up on all

these stores and you guys are better than

the one across the river. All right?

Because that m*therf*cking river is

dirty. On your side of the river, it's

clean and nice. OK?

What you do is take a little cash for

yourself out of the register. It's OK. I

don't mind. Grab it. OK.

Adios. All right. Yes, you can. Adios.

This is Taco Bell phone. Taco Bell phone.

OK. Adios. Say adios. Adios. OK, bye.