02x07 - Adam Carolla & Jim Florentine

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't

really matter No, it doesn't really

matter 'Cause we'll all be doubled over

with laughter At the expense of others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yeagers tonight?Crank

Yeagers!

This is Ashley. Hi Ashley, my name's

Burcham. Hi. Hi there. You

have a swimming program for kids?It's for

people 15 and older. Mm-hmmI

might might be able to beat you on a

technicality here. My kids are

conjoined, they're Siamese,

uh-huh and they're eight years old.

uh-huh so their combined age

is 16 and I think we got you now

because we beat the 15 cutoff there

OK the performers they perform

in the circus they don't know how to swim

and it's important to me that they stay

alive uh-huh they're my source of income

uh-huh that did they do mouth to mouth to

mouth resuscitation I'm not

sure if if they would allow allow

them to swim because just becauseThey're

combined age. Ever deal with conjoined

twins?No, Sir. No, you have not.

But they're just like you and me. Well,

I'm not, Sir. I'm not saying that they're

not like us. No, they're they're just

like if they crazy glued you and me

together. Yes, Sir. I understand that.

They're exactly the same. When you

see the smiles on these kids faces,

you will light up because they light up a

room. They light it up, baby. Yes, Sir.

All right. if you can get the okay from

the director you know you're more than

welcome to bring a man but Ashley you're

gonna do what everyone has done to these

kids their whole lives you're gonna pass

them off they're gonna get some

bureaucrat or some answering machine and

then the only water they'll feel on their

body is their own tears as it rolls down

their conjoined chest let me just tell

you something real quick I'm a social

work majorI totally

understand where you're coming from. You

have You have conjoined twins yourself?

No. No, you don't. Then you don't

understand. You don't know what it's

like to grow up with Tweedledee and

Tweedledum. You don't understand the

pain. You don't know what

I'm... I'm a veteran. I'm an American,

and I don't deserve this. Well, I know

that. I'm not, I'm

not at all saying that you don't. I'm

just, I know you need a pull for them to

bend. I'm sorry, miss. I've been under a

lot of pressure. I understand that. They

wanted bunk beds this year. We had to

get 'em two lower ones. I know, it's very

difficult. One of them loves macaroni and

cheese. The other one is lactose

intolerant. Imagine what that's like

every day. I can't imagine because I've

never dealt with it. All right. I'm going

to bring the kids behind, dump them in

the pool. OK. I'll see you. OK.

Thank you.

Hello. HelloIs this Al Foster?

Vegan. OK, Al,

you don't know me, but in a way you kind

of do, because my name is Al Foster as

well. Yeah, I

just happened to see your name in the

phone book, and it's the same name as my

own. Isn't that weird?Yeah. So.

So I was just thinking, you know, maybe

we should, you know, somehow meet or get

together at some point, check out what

that's all about. Like, I I happened to

call another Al Foster this morning and

he came over my place. Here, get on the

phone, Al. Hello. Yes. Is this Al Foster?

Yes. This is Al Foster, too.

We got three. We got three Al Fosters

here. This has got to be the first time

in the history of the world that three Al

Fosters are talking on the telephone at

the same time. Yeah. Isn't that funny, Al?

Didn't know the words anymore. There's no

stopping us. Al, what

do you do, Al?Oh, Al, I'm

mostly in the farming business. Al, I got

to tell you, that is so weird. I grow

sorghum. Is that right?Yeah.

I think we should make a deal between the

three of us that because we are all three

Al Fosters, we'd be best friends forever.

I would. I definitely would. I love

it. You're my favorite, Al. You're my

favorite. Al. Wait, are you kissing me?I

love it. It's really strange. But come

over here. Come here. Come here. Well,

there's a few more Fosters down this area

that I ran across. Can you just hold just

one second?Just hold on one second. Oh,

yeah. Right there. Right there.

OK. OKLike that.

Like that. Now, where?Where did you say

the other fosters are from?There's some

over in the Lansing area over there, I

know. But just one second.

One second, Al. Yeah, right there. That's

it. Just handle

this. Oh, God. I'm so close right now.

Hey, if we all got together and moved in

together, you know what that'd be?A

foster home. Yeah.

OK. OKI'm close. I'm close. And this is

it. Hey, Al, can you just hold on one

second, please?This is it. Oh,

God, that's it. Thank

you. Thank

you. All right, buddy. Well, Al, I got to

say, it's been great talking to you. I

try to stay friends with all Fosters. Can

we agree that we will be best friends

forever?Just one more question, just

throwing it out there. And there's been

so many coincidences today that I

think of. Who knows?Are you into dudes at

all?No, not me. Yeah, ask neither.

No, not at all. All right.

OK. Talk to you later. All right. Bye.

Hello, Albany Pet Stop. Is this a pet

store?This is a pet store. Yes, it is.

You son of a bitchYou sold my brother a

snake and it ate my hamster. Who's your

brother?His name is Kevin. What

kind of snake did we sell him?It was a

mean snake. Is your mommy there?Uh,

no. How old are you?

I'm seven.

I love that hamster. Hey, you know

what?If you're seven years old, you're a

little too young to be calling me a bad

name. You're gonna go to

hell, you scumbag! See

you there! I should kick you in theballs.

If you have a taxi, General Accountants

have. Hi, my name is Bobby Fletcher. Who

am I speaking with?Jesse Lance. How you

doing, man?OK, good. I'm just calling

you. I got my, I'm working on my tax and

stuff and I'm thinking about I just need

to know if I can write certain things

off, if they're deductible, my

traveling and stuff like that, cause I'm

a salesman. Can I write all that stuff

off?Yes. You know, as long as they're

involved in your traveling for the

business. Well, usually it is. I mean,

sometimes I'll go like, you know, to the

red light district or something like

that. I mean, is it for for your work?

Well, yeah, it it actually is for work

cause it, you know, releases stress. But

it's just tough to get a receipt from one

of them hoes, you knowYeah, but they're

not going to allow deduction for a you

said like a whoreYeah, a

woman, right?Well, yeah. Hoe, woman. Same

thing. Yeah. YeahWell, they're not going

to allow deduction for that though. But

that's, you know, it's part of the job.

It's releasing stress. Yeah, but they're

not going to ours and not going to allow

deduction for that. Why not?

Well, because even though you may say

it's stress, you have to prove that it's

stress. Well, what do you want me to do?

Bring the condom in?Well, how the condom

will prove that it's stress related?

Because it's going to be full. And that

means I release the stress. Well,

I'm going to tell you plain that they're

not going to get a deduction for it. Oh,

come on, man. I mean, you're k*lling me

here. What?What you sell?I sell

little bars of soap to hotels. That's

very stressful. Well, like I said, the R

is not going to allow deduction for those

things, man. Not even a blow up doll. No,

no, they don't allow a deduction for

that. Dude, you're k*lling me, man. Yeah.

Do you bang hookers?No. It's guy to guy

talk. No, I don't know. I don't know

Come on. You never got one. Well, I was

in my when I was 20 years old, probably

about 30 years ago. Really. Yeah. Was she

good?She was all right. Yeah.

Big breasts. She medium

size. Really. Yeah. How was her a*s

Medium. Medium. Yeah. What do you doYou

just bank or anything like that?No, noI

thought you wanted to ask some tax

questions. I do, but I don't know how we

got on this subject. Yeah, like I said,

the only thing I'm the only work I'm

willing to do for you is do your soap

business because there's all the stuff

you're talking about is ill*gal and it's

not going to fly. That's not that's not

ill*gal. Yeah, you can't. Yeah, that's

ill*gal. What is selling wh*res

You look, you already told me you bang

hookers, so you're involved. I told you

that. You told me that before. I told you

I was screwed a whole 20 over 20 years

ago. There's no statute of limitation on

banging whoresOh, yeah?YeahSo we're

not in this together. Oh, yeah?Yeah

I don't think I'll be interested in what

you're doing here. All right, well, let's

do it with the soap then and cover it up.

Well, no. I'm gonna tell you goodbye,

man. No, come on, male. Bro, you're

k*lling me.

Can I help you?Hi. Yeah, I'm looking to

get into your school. So I just wanted to

know what exactly what

requirements I need to get in. To be

admitted, you mean to actually start

classes?Yeah. You need to fill out an

application. And depending on what you

want to take, you may be asked to take

the assessment test, which is English,

reading, and math placement. Ooh, OK. If

you're interested in classes that have

already started, uh-huh you'd have to get

the signature of the instructor to make

sure it's OK to get into a full class.

OK. I'm I'm pretty attractive.

So I don't know, are are any of the

professors there into like?I

could flash them or

you think?Yeah. Uh,

no. I have to let this conversation go.

You need to come in as soon as possible.

OK. Is there someone else I could speak

to?Sure. Hold on. OK. Thanks.

Hi. HiI was just talking

to someone who I guess got really jealous

and hung up on me. Oh, really?Yeah.

Like what?I mean, who am I talking to?Oh,

my name's Cammie. Cammie. Yeah. And

I'd really like to get into your

school. So I'm just

curious about some of the professors

there, if they're single and if there's

anything I could offer them to maybe

lower the admissions price or get

into their classes even if they're full.

Everybody's treated equally. OK, I'm, I'm

really the state tuition

fees for everybody across the state, even

if you're really, really hot.

That has nothing to do with anything.

Really. Geez, because everywhere else

I've ever been, it has everything to do

with everything. Now tell you what, we do

have a late starting class that I could

get you into starts actually next

week, OK, Mondays and Wednesdays from



that for new and.

Adult re-entry people. Oh, that's a good

adult re-entry. OK Are there

any gentlemen there that might be

interested in, I don't know, letting me

audit a class and I could, you know,

spend some time with them?No, no, my

dear. I think you need a counselor. Well,

you're a counselor, right?Yeah. But I

think you need to come see me. OK. Is

there a couch in your office?No. No

OK. Is there a desk?Yeah, there's a desk.

OK. Because maybe I could just, like,

show you a table dance. My dear,

that is a very inappropriate question. It

has nothing to do with anything. If you

are a serious student, then you can call

and make an appointment. OK. Can I ask

you one last question?Yes. Do you want to

maybe meet me for a drink and we can talk

that way?Bye. Bye.

Parks and Forestry, this is Lena. Are you

in charge over there?I wish I

was, but I'm not. What can I do for you?I

got a problem here. OK. I

was at the park walking my dog,

Pepper. Uh-huhAnd I

go to the bathroom. to do my

business. And

wouldn't you know, there's a black

fella in there with his

thing out touching himself.

Oh, my gosh. That's what I said.

What's your name, hon?Elmer.

Elmer?I'm 85 years old.

I've never seen nothing like this in my

life. OK, on the

park used to be a place where

children would run and play, and

elderly people could play

checkers and chess

and Yahtzee and

Battleship and

Statigo and Life

and Monopoly

and Battleship and Battleship.

OK. Did you call the police?I want

to make a complaint. OK. That's what I'm

saying. Did you call the police?I was at

the park today. I I know, honey. There

was a black fella in there

with his thing out.

This thing was enormous.

It was like he was making a

BM, but from the front. Oh, my

God. Have you ever seen?Oh,

God. A black fellow with his pants down.

Please stop. Please stop. It was

like a salami or something.

Like, OK, I used to draw

pictures for a cartoon for the

Daily Forward. OK, we can stop being

graphic. 40 years ago, I was

a cartoonist. I drew beautiful

pictures, all political

cartoons. I could draw

you. A cartoon of this

black fellow with his thing out

to show you what he was doing there. Hon,

what's your phone number?I don't

remember, darling. Oh, poor thing. I

never call here. What park were you

located at?I remember a time at

Antioch Park where

you could get 3 hot dogs

for a nickel with

all the toppings. Sauerkraut.

Mustard, relish,

Pickles, sometimes

ketchup. The young people would eat

and we would play games and drink soda.

Grape soda. My brother Charlie loved

grape sodas. Oh, we loved grape

sodas and watching black fellas

masturbate.

OK, well, listen, darling. If you want

me to draw you a picture of this

fellow's genitalia. No picture. No

picture. No picture. I'll do that for

you. No. No thank you. No thank you. Okay

then?All right. Okay. Bye-bye. Good

night.

New way. Yes. Who am I speaking to?Joan.

Joan, this is Spooney. Spooney. Yeah.

And I bought, I bought some BBQ sauce

from your store. Yeah. And I have kind of

like a situation here. What?This is

really embarrassing to talk about, but I

poured some BBQ sauce

on me. Well, my old lady poured it on

me and it's like,

whoa, my a*s is burning.

And I don't know what to do. And I have,

like, I have a rash. Yeah. My

wife has developed a rash on her boobs

because of this BBQ sauce that we bought

from your store. My mother told me to

call the store and see.

Whoa, my a*s is burning. Did you get it

all?Wash it all off?Yeah. I got popsicles

down there and everything. Whoa. Well, I

don't know what to tell you, except that

only like a doctor can order some

ointment to put on you. Ointment. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Well, you've never had this

before?Nah. This

BBQ sauce. I

know. Oh, ouch. Have you ever had this

happen before?No. You never poured

nothing on you?No. Oh, my God. Don't.

Don't use that BBQ sauce. My a*s is

inflamed, you know?No. Well,

I won't go to use this. We used it last

night. Oh, wow. Some got in my assI

don't know what to tell you. I'm laying

on my side. I got to lay on my side

because my a*s is just burning. Oh, it's

raw. Yeah, I think she got spicy.

That could be. What you should do is use

whipped cream. You use whipped cream?No,

I don't use whipped cream. What you use,

Joan?I won't use the hot sauce. I know

that. My rectum look like half a veal

Parmesan sandwich right now. Wow. I would

soak myself in ice water. What do the

whipped cream do?It cools you down. You

put that on the assIt's like rubbing

around the assYeah. Oh, man. OK, let me

go now. I have a bunch of customers. Wait

a minute. Joan. Joan. Joan. I am hurting.

Go away in water. Yeah. Ice water,

right. And that should cool it down.

Joan. Joan. Yeah, Joan. Please

talk me through this, Joan. Well, go away

in the shower because right now I got.

Don't leave me. Joan. I'm scared. I'm

Joan. I'm scared. OK,

Joan, I love you. Okay.

Ohh

ohh ohh