02x06 - Wanda Sykes & Bobcat Goldthwait

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter

No, it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Hello, Steve Smith, please.

I'm calling from the mall. This is Bud

Fleck. I run security and we have

surveillance camera footage of him

putting 3 pairs of carpenter pants into a

bag from another store and then leaving

the mall without paying for them. And oh,

I doubt it. The store owner is not

looking to press charges. They simply

want their merchandise back. He doesn't

even wear carpenter pants. Well, he's got

three that he's about to start wearing

soon. I'm sorry, we're going to put my

supervisor on the phone. Hello, this is

the owner of the store and. Your

husband has been stealing Carpenter pads

from our store. What store?Oh, we

had you going. This

is Boomer in the Nudge on 97.1. And

Oh my goodness, man, we had you going

there pretty good. Did you hear that?Did

you hear what she's going?She's going. He

doesn't wear Carpenter pads. You know

what?That's that's that's true love, man.

If you're covering for your husband like

that, I wish I could find a girl like

that. That's wild. We had

you going. Yeah, you did. Oh, we

sure did. I bet you need a new pair of

pants right now, don't you?No, I'm

thinking my husband does not wear

Carpenter pants, let alone does he even

like to really. That was a third degree

burn right there. Whoa. Put a little

neosporin on that, honey. We had you

going around in circles. That's correct.

Remember when she goes, please, please

don't arrest my husband. He'll be r*ped

in jail. He probably thought your husband

was going to get r*ped in jail. I

didn't know what in the world

was going on. Well, you seem like a nice

lady. What's your name?Michelle.

Michelle, you're on 97.1 jabbing the

hottest, freshest mix of hits everybody

can listen to from the 80s, 90s and

today. Soft rock, let's talk non-stop.

Continuous 50 minute mega blocks of music

every hour. Listen for the party chicken



sticker on your car. Our prize patrol

might pull you over with the hottest

giveaways in town. Win with the sticker

and stick with the winner 97.1.

well We had you jumping like a Tijuana

whorehouse on burrito day. I'm trying to

have a birthday party for my

five-year-old. Michelle, say it along

with me. I'm a complete jackassYeah.

Go ahead, say that for me, honey. Go

ahead. I am a complete you know what.

Yes, you are. Tell me what she's gonna

win, Boom. If you're having a kids

party, then strap in because we're going

to be sending you to Wally Gator's House

of Inflatable Fun, where kids can eat

pizza and have fun in our room full of

ba*ls. That's inflatable fun. Would you

like a room full of ba*ls, Michelle?Sure,

I bet you would. If you want

ba*ls, slap in your kids face and you

want to go down to Wally Gator's House of

Inflatable Fun. Michelle, thank you for

booming and nudging and keep on listening

to Hot Hits 97.1.

OK. Thank you. Thank you. Oh,

boo. Oh, that was amazing.

What a dipshitAre you wanting me to hang

up now?Oh, we didn't know you're still

listening. Yeah.

Oh, embarrassing. BoobOK, we'll give you

a call back. We're going to hang up on

you. OK. Take care. Bless you.

What a moron. Yeah.

Bobby Morris. Hi, my name's

Steven Goldstein and I'm looking for a

representation. Can you help me?

Well, what do you do?I am an impression

median. I do impressions and

I'm a comedian. I'm an impression median.

Impression median. OK, well, send me a

promo. Oh, no, no, noToday's the day

I do 1000 different voices. Do you

know the comedian Bobcat Goldthwaite?

Who?Bobcat Goldthwait. He was very big in

the 80s. No. He

was in the Police Academy movies. He was

married to Lonnie Anderson. Uh-huhI do an

impression of him. Watch, I go. Hey!

That didn't hurt! That didn't hurt!

My mama had a baby and its head poppedoff!

OK, that was good. Now what else do you

do?Let me hear. Um, you know Jack

Nicholson?Yeah. I can do Jack Nicholson.

Let me hear. You can't handle the

truth. I'm Jack Nicholson.

That sounds like the other guy. No, it

doesn't. All right, what else do

you do?I do. I do. Do you know Vic

Tabak from he played Mel on

Alice. He was Mel Mel's Diner.

Yeah, go ahead. Hey, Alice,

stop sitting around on your butt and get

those trays in.

My momma had a baby and its head popped

off. Where do I sign?

OK, and and who else do you do that is

more recognizable?Well, who do you want

to hear?You know, like Sammy

Davis Junior. Sandy Davis

Junior. Sammy Davis. Who's Sandy Davis?

Who is Sammy Davis?Yeah. Who's that?

How old are you?39 1/2. And you never

heard of Sammy Davis Junior?Oh, he

was on. He was on Taxi. No. Have you ever

heard of?No, that's Tony Danza. You heard

of Dean Martin?Yes, I know Dean Martin.

And Franklin. Dean Martin hosted

Laughing. No, he didn't. Yeah, it was.

No. Hey, listen, I'm busy right now. I

got to go. Hey, listen, I'm busy.

OK. All right, you take care. Good luck

to you. Well, thank you very much for the

support.

Hey, MMA robot, you get destroyed.

Thank you for calling Sunrise Sports.

This is Katrina. Hey, Katrina. How you

doing this morning, baby?Good. How are

you?All right, then. My name is

Landanlius. Truthfield. People call me

the truth. You know who I am, right, babe?

Class of 93 running back

downfield. You know, I took state in the



That's the short ones. But they're a lot

more of them and they're closer together.

So when you run, you got to like, what?

Step, step, step, step, step, step, step,

step, step, step, step. Pow, I get the

medal. Get on right down to you. Hey,

what's up?Who's this?This is Landanlius

Truefell. I was just talking to a little

baby down there. I'm trying to get an

employment situation. I would like to be

your spokesperson, kind of like a mascot.

And I'm going to give you a little bit of

my resume. You know, I tried out for the

Raiders. I tried out for the Colts,

the Rams, the Argonauts. I feel like

what I can do for you is bring in the

black customer, the people of color.

That sounds like a great idea. If you'd

like to get some more details and talk to

the guy that's actually in charge, I

would recommend you call back tomorrow.

Oh, that's beautiful because you know

what I was thinking?Y'all could do like

an ad campaign, you know, do some

commercials. You know, I have a little

song, you know, it's the truth.

It's the truth. It's the truth.

The truth.

But you you see, you put the bass and the

drum back and that's that's it.

Yeah, yeah, that that was happy. That's

great. You know I do it all day. Hey, let

me ask you something, man. They still

make the high top. Hey, man, if you want

some good high tops, you should go check

out skating worshippers. Now you're

trying to kick me down to the other store

because you don't want to confront me,

right?I'm trying to come at you correct.

And now you're trying to tell me go down

to other place. Oh, you trying to pass on

the brother man and don't raise your

voice at me now. So maybe we need to get

up in the room. Nose to nose, cheek to

cheek, butt to buttYeah,

man,

I'm gonna come over there, man. We gonna

talk about this. This is some bullshitAll

right, man. Whatever works for you. All

right, then. No, man. Look here. Look

here. I don't want to end like this. Give

me your name. Let me kick a little rhyme

for you. My name's Grant. Grant.

Grant. A DI. Cause

Grant is dying. Dora. He's a

rough, rough A. He's

absolutely in. He's a oh, oh,

T. Cuz you tire. I was a little

nervous. What you think, man?That

was pretty bad, man. Impressed.

All right then, Grant. So I'm gonna come.

Over there, I could do anything, you

know, to help all y'all. I'll give you a

back rub. I do deep tissue,

shyatsu, Swedish,

Cambodian, Ethiopian. I do the

hello, hello, hello

This is Southport. Can I help you?Yes.

With whom am I speaking?Rick Baird.

Hello, Rick. This is Niles Standish

calling. I'm interested in

becoming a cowboy.

How long of a trip are you interested in?

How long do they have them?Because I like

them long, if you know what I'm saying.

Rick, I've got.

Three and four day trips. Which is the

most expensive trip that you have, Rick?

Four day. I'll take two of

those. Who do you represent, Sir?

I represent myself, Niles Standish,

Earl of Yankovil. I'm quite wealthy

and I've always dreamt of being an

American cowboy. South

Fork Stables and Outfitters look like

just the place for me to become that

wonderful, wonderful American cowboy.

Yes, yesI guess so. Yes. Yes

YesYesYesYes

Rick. Rick. Yes. YesYes

YesYesYesYesThank you, Rick.

Now, can you explain to me some of the

itinerary that I'll be looking at doing

while I'm on this wonderful cattle drive?

OK. The spring trip we

gather and we brand. We do the whole

thing. Oh, you brand. I

love the idea of roping a calf and

holding that hot medal to his

hindquarters. Yes, Sir. And we'll be out

on the dusty trail. We'll be camping out

under the stars. Yes, Sir. Wonderful.

I'll tell you, I dream of being tenderly

woken by a grizzled old gin blossom toss

pot named Cookie, who brings me a cup of

Earl Grey. Sweet smell of cirrhosis on

his breath. And when I wake, I'll be able

to perhaps mosey down to the Creek to

bathe my filthy underpants with the rough

hewn ranch hands. Yeah. Wonderful.

Now let me ask you this. Will I be able

to wear spurs that go Jingle, Jingle,

Jingle as I go riding merrily along?

Somewhat. It it depends on your riding

experience. Well, I don't have a lot, but

I have watched a lot of Western movies,

especially Red River with a young Monty

Clift. Yes, Sir. To be Monty's horse,

I'll tell you. I'll give him some saddle

sores. Yes. YesYesYesNo.

Wonderful. Wonderful. I'm. I'm a big fan

of the Westerns. Yourself, Rick. Yes,

Sir. I love that Chuck Connors. You

remember the rifleman?Yes, Sir. Between

you and me, Rick, the boots never touched

the trail. Yes. Yes, I

guess. Oh, I love them

Cowboys. I love me some cowboy. You know

what?I'll tell you something, Rick. I

don't even call them Cowboys. You know

what I call them?What?Wowboys.

Now, what are we talking about for a rate?

OK, a four day trip, $825.

Will you do me a favor?What's that?Will

you take that rate and double it?

What's the deal here, Sir?I'm quite,

quite wealthy. I come from a regal

background and I've always dreamt of

being a cowboy. Let me

ask you this. When we camp under the

stars, do I have to stay in my own tent?

Can I?Yes, Sir. Can I bounce from tent to

tent?

GMF. Yeah. YeahCan I help you?

Yeah. I I tried to

find you for

V for a new car for me.

I I don't know.

Do you have money?Down payment?I.

Inherit from from death.



for a car from in from death.

OK. Can you come down here?

I am. Can you call a cab?

Yes. I take taxi. All right. Give me. You

want the address?Yeah, I'll grab that.

OK. So write this down. Can you get a

pencil?Yeah. Hold on.

Ready.



Fremont. And we're

at the corner of Bola

Highway. Wait, what?WhatWhere are you now?

Hold on one second.

I don't know where the f*ck I am. I'm

just. I'm on a corner. You're on a

corner. Yeah. Where?Where to go?

Look at the street sign. Flaming.

Flamingo. Flamingo. But you got 2

streets there. You got Flamingo. What?What

Look at the other sign. Jo

Jones. Oh, Flamingo and Jones.

OK. Oh, good, goodNow we know

what we got. OK, All right, all right40K

ready to purchase. Why don't you do this?

Call your taxi. No, no tax. I

pay tax on car. No taxi. A cab.

I don't. What?A taxicab.

Oh, so you're saying just grab a taxicab?

Yeah. Oh, OK. I come down.

See you with 40K. No problem.

I'm coming down right now. You know that.

Yeah. You ready to go?Uh huhLet's do the

deal. All right, buddy. It's on the

table. On the table. Give me a kiss. All

right. Yeah. Have a good day. You

f*ck c*ck're a c*ck

f*cking gave me a kiss. Yeah, there you

go. You call me c*ck, I didn't

call you nothing. You blew kiss. Yeah,

OK. You lick my bum

bum. Yeah, bum bum. Yeah, right. I'm

gonna come down. I'm gonna suck on your

assholeAll right, come on down. Let's go.

Woodstock Hardware, Nick speaking. Hi,

Nick. Hope you can help me

out here. I'm I'm

in a a bit of a jam here.

My kids,

they they crazy glued the toilet seat.

This is pretty embarrassing. I'm I'm

sitting here. Stuck on the the

toilet seat. Well, let me see. I know

we've got a solvent for that, but I think

what you're probably going to end up

having to do is is you might end up

calling paramedics. Look, Nick, this

between you and me. I'm. I'm not going to

say a word to anybody. Now come on, Nick.

Think, man, we I feel you can help me out

of here. I'll do what I can. I'm getting

scared because you know, if that stuff

can hold a construction worker up by his

hard hat, it definitely ain't going to

let go of me and my a*s

Oh, Nick, Nick, wait, wait, wait a

minute. Wait a minute.

I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so embarrassed, but I

had to go. I'm sorry.

Alright, now what?What did you say, Nick?

Acetone. It's a it's a very

caustic substance. It's pretty heavy

duty. What?So it's like a sale for your

assNever really thought of it like that.

OK. And and you have that there at your

store. We do. Oh, well, Nick, OK,

then problem solved. Come on over. Bring.

Bring some of that over here and and rub

it on my on my behind parts and and

man, I'll be up and out. Well, The thing

is, is I don't want to end up doing more

damage that's already been done. Nick, I

got a toilet seat stuck to my assYou

can't do no more damage than that.

Nick, you get to see me naked. I

work out. I got. I got a six pack

and a toilet seat. Be be like Abraham

Lincoln and come over here and set me

free. Come emancipate my a*s

Problem is I don't drive. I'm a I'm a

send a cab over there to you. I now.

I'm sorry, but I I absolutely. Nick, you

can do this. Look, have confidence in

your abilities, Nick. You go grab that

a*s Sal, and you March out that door

with your head up high, hop in that

cab. You make your way right

here and set my a*s free.

OK, I'm absolutely not. Free

my assFree my assThank

God Almighty. I'm going to free my

assI really think for your

safety, it's going to be best if

professionals handle it. My sticky a*s

is your destiny, baby. This is your

job. You know, every now and then God

sends you a job to do. This is your

job. Who knows?I could be an

angel. Wait a minute.

Hey, I'm off. Okay, never mind.

Thanks, Nick. No problem. Glad to see

you're off. Yee-haw!