02x04 - Jeff Garlin & Gilbert Gottfried

[bunniefuu]

We'll all be doubled over with laughter

at the expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yeagers

tonight?Crank Yeagers!

Hi Paul Adventures. Hi, with whom am I

speaking?Will, hi Will. My name is

Terrence and I work with the Olsen

twins from television and they would like

to play some paintball this weekend. OK,

I'm not familiar with paintballing. As

far as I understand, a group of children

gathered together and fire on one

another. The age groups for paintball

varies greatly. It can be anywhere from

like 11 all the way up to 40 or 50 years

old. How pathetic. Can you imagine an

adult that plays paintball?Oh,

OK, so anyway, let's go over a few things

for the girls. OK?If you could treat them

with special care, we would appreciate

it. For instance, um, no photographs. The

girls don't want to pose with people.

That smell and whatnot. And I'm not going

to even mention to anybody that anybody

is like that is going to be there. Just

treat the girls with the respect they

deserve as celebrities. That's all that

we're asking. Now there there is one

catch to this kind of stuff. Yes. They

must follow the safety rules. Yes. Yes

Our only rule is that they must be

allowed to win, must be allowed to win at

any cost because the girls are

used to winning the winners and they.

Have tempers and they sometimes

become angry with me and they'll kick me

and whatnot. And I would like to avoid

that. So if we could get a group of, I

don't know if if you have handicapped

groups or anything like that that you

could bring in for the girls to fire on.

That's not that's almost that's almost

amusing cause the paintball's a game of

chance. Yes, paintball is a game of

chance, but I want to do everything I can

to make sure there's as little chance as

possible involved. In fact, if you

could. Maybe don't load the g*ns of the

other competitors. That way the girls

would be the only ones firing and they'd

be virtually guaranteed to win. You have

blanks or something like that you can put

in the ball g*n and the paint

g*n. I'm gonna have to speak to my owner

and find out what should

speak to your owner. Yes, please. I know

they're very unreasonable. Mary Kate

actually just walked in and asked if you

could set up some sort of firing squad

where they line the children up and then

the girls get to just sh**t at them.

HmmSounds almost like somebody has issues

to me. Well, let's

not get into that. Yes, and a fruit plate

also with everything except for the

melon. The they don't like the green and

yellow melon, but anything else.

Strawberries, watermelon,

cherries. You do understand we're just a

outdoor playing some kind of fresh, just

a very fresh fruit. Will we have to

pay or will this be complimentary?

It will not be complimentary for anybody.

OK, well, I am not going to mention that

to the girls. I'm going to tell the girls

that it's all for free and then I'll pay

you on the side. OK. OKWell,

we'll figure something out. All right.

OK. So a nice list and run it by your

boss and then get back to me on all this.

OK. OKVery good, Will. And we'll

see you with g*ns ablazing this weekend.

All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Well, I reckon those Duke boys are in

trouble again, and Bobby Fletcher is

calling the water company.

Water Commission, this is Marcy. Hi,

Marcy. This is Bobby Fletcher. Hi, Bobby.

Can you hear me?I'm on my cell phone.

Loud and clear. Oh, you can. OK. Sorry.

I'm on the back roads. Sometimes it's my,

you know. Yeah. What can I do for you?I'm

just calling about my water bill. I think

I had a problem with it. I got

overcharged. What's your address so I can

look, Bobby?I'm on Riverside Dr. What's

that number?22?Let's find

you.

Oh, my God. What?

I just hit something. Are

you there?Yeah. Oh, my God. Hold on one

second. Oh, my God. Oh,

my God. You better hang up and call



It's a deer. Yeah. Yeah, it's OK. Oh, my.

Are you OK?Yeah, I'm fine. What street

are you on?I'm fine. I don't know. I'm in

the middle of country. OK,

so did you find my bill?Did you say it

was 22?Yeah, 22. OK. I'm

sorry. I was looking for it. S Riverside.

Yeah. You hit me. My

heart. I'm bleeding. So who's

that?It's the deer.

It was like 40 extra. Why don't you call

me back?No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I

want to get this straight now. My wife's

been on my case. It's it was extra $40.

It wasn't supposed to be on there. I

don't see. What's your last name?I don't

see 22 South Riverside.

Fletcher. OK.

That's a person. No, no, it's not.

It's not miss. I can hear him. No, no, no

Can you hurry up, please?I'm trying to.

OK. I don't want it. I don't want the

cops or anything to come. Mr.

Fletcher. Yeah. Something's not right

here. No, there's $40 wrong.

Shut up. Is it what?So I don't have a



This is between us two. No, no,

noIt wasn't a deal. Hey, Mr. Fletcher,

you're in on this too, Miss. OK, you know

what?Could you please?Listen, I don't

want to go to jail. All right, please.

There's too much blood. Can you calm me

down?Just tell me about your day, please.

Just to calm me down. OK, well, I'm going

to hang up and I'm going to call the

police. I know what to do. OK, Don't

worry.

All right, all right, that's done. All

right, So what about my bill?

Cook Electronics. Yeah,

this electronics?Yes. You

people sold me a broken machine.

Okay, what's the machine?I got that

VD player from my grandson bought

it for me. Uh-huhI can't

get the tape in there. The tape. I'm

jamming it in there and it won't

go. Well, you can't watch tapes on the

DVD player. I know. That's why I'm

calling you people. I need to look at my

tape. I got it for my

birthday. It's got all the old

stars. OK. Marilyn Monroe.

Right. Eddie Davis. Right. What's

your?What's your name?Marquel

Welch. Right. Beautiful girls from the

past. You don't know these girls cause

you're a young fella. Imogene

Coca. That was a beauty.

Helen Hayes, Mary

Pickford, Missy

Elliot. Missy Elliot.

Ethel Merman. Ethel

Merman was a singer.

She sang songs, beautiful

songs with a beautiful voice

soaring above the clouds. And

she had a big bottom,

beautiful round. Shape to her.

I like to run my tongue all over that

body. Right. What's your last name?I like

the girls from the old days,

like Tallulah Bankhead. Do you

remember her?No, Sir, I don't. Yeah, you

do. She was a beautiful

girl. Yes, Sir.

Regular cassette tape is not gonna work.

I know it don't work. That's why I'm

calling you people. They're trying to

get it gone here. There's nothing we can

do. Can you speak up?I can't hear you.

There's nothing we can do.

I'm hard of hearing.

I got a tape here. I can't get in

another VD player. OK, tapes are off to

the DVD player. And I'm trying to watch

my video. Great Scarlets

of the 40s and 50s. In the



all these girls. You did. Do

you remember the little

lady from there?Where's

the beef commercials?Yes, Sir.

I made sweet love to her.

Must have been 500 times.

Really. That's why when I'm turn on my TV

and she say, where's the beef?

I think you know where it is,

darling. You know.

Really. So you people can't

help me then?Well, not really.

Thanks. Thanks for nothing. You're

welcome. All right then. All right.

Thanks for everything. Yes, sir. Bye.

Zeros. Zero. No. Zero

ain't here. He's he's took off. No. Why'd

you answer 0?I thought Littlefields

Variety store. This Littlefields Variety

or Zeros Incorporated. Oh, either one of

them. Either one of them that you want to

use. I'll tell you what. Raisin Dragons.

Raisins and Dragons. That's right.

Yes, indeed. Yeah. So

you bet. All right. And

then cotton. And then we're going to go

every Tuesday over to Ramona. Uh, huh

You know, OK. Are you going to come?

Because she does not know

anything about the pouch. Right.

Pouches are available Tuesdays and

Thursdays. No other day we're going to

sell them on pouch. Uh huhWe got the

antelope scissors. Oh, yeah. All right.

And then, you know, if I got some

corn and and a Cadillac and we're going

to mix them together in a little fudge

pot, I'd love to do that. But we're going

to meet you down at the library as

opposed to what we said earlier.

All right. See you later. Bye-bye. Bye.

Thank

you for choosing Speedy Pizza. It's

Tuesday, Bass speaking. How can I help

you?Hi, this is the pizza place. Yeah.

Hi. Umm I just wanted to order a

pizza, please. For a pickup or

delivery?Delivery. And your

address?I live on Kings Rd.



Here's the thing. I caught my boyfriend

cheating on me. I just really need

somebody to come over sort of for

I want to have sex with someone. You do?

Yeah. What's your name?My name's Bob.

Hi, Bob. I'm Cammy, by the way.

Cammy. Yeah. What

do you do down here?I'm a stripper.

Damn. Yeah. Well, I own this place

here. Oh, you're the owner. Yeah. I'm

just trying to think. Where?What are you

next to?What landmarks in Myrtle Beach?

Well, you know what?I'm telling you, it's

better if we just meet somewhere. Because

I'm actually, I have my brother's van

right now. He's a mover. So we could

even just, you know, use the van. But I

still want pizza. So you'd have to bring

them pizza. All right. To put it

in pizza terms, I just want to be pounded

like a piece of dough. You know what I

mean?Really?Yeah. I just need a big

pepperoni, you knowDamn.

Oh, my God. Bob, my boyfriend just walked

in. Who are you talking to?I'm

ordering a pizza. Let me. Give me the

phone. Hello. HelloWho is

this?Speedy pizza. What are you talking

to my girl for?I've been standing out

here. I heard this whole thing. I'm just

ordering a pizza. What were you saying to

him about pining like a pepperoni?I said

I wanted a pepperoni. Who is this?This is

Speedy Pizza. Yeah. Who is this at Speedy

Pizza?I don't know. She's trying to order

a pizza. Sicilian style. What's your

name, Speedy?My name's Bob. Bob, what are

you saying to her?You. You called

my girl. You're trying to get her to come

over there and have sex with you in the

van. No, not quite. She's trying to order

a pizza and I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, well, I tell you what, the two of

you can have each other. You can have it.

You know what she's got?She's got herpes.

She's got chlamydia. She's got VD. She's

got everything. Why don't you tell him

that?Why don't you tell him about your

VDS?I just want to sell a pizza. I

hope the two of you are happy together.

You make me sick, you whoreYou're a

filthy whoreObviously you guys aren't

going to order a pizza, right?Bob. Hello.

Hi. I'm so sorry. Don't worry about it.

He just, he just left, though. And you

know, that was all BS what he just said,

by the way. You going to order the pizza

or no?You know what, though?

Actually, I might just order Chinese.

Well, whatever. All right. Thanks, Bob.

All right. Bye. Bye.

This is Scott. May I help you?This is

Tony Deloz, your district selectman, and

thank you again for your support. OK.

What kind of golf clubs do you carry?Is

there a particular you're looking for?

Well, I would like the best. OK. I don't

carry the best. Well, what's second best?

I wouldn't even be in the top 20, Sir.

Well, I just need a free set of clubs. I

play in a free set of clubs. OK. And wait

one second, Sir. I play in a lot of

charity golf tournaments. OK. Can I come

by and get a set of clubs and try them

out?No, I don't do samples clubs. No,

Sir. Well, I'm not saying sample. I'll

probably keep them. OK. All

right. They're not for free, though. Are

you going to charge me?Yes, Sir. You're

going to charge Tony DeLoge, district

selectman, money for golf clubs when I

play in golf tournaments. Yes, Sir.

That's outrageous. What if I give you 20

bucks, Sir?Yes, Sir. I cannot

release golf clubs for free. What about

fishing rods?No, Sir. You have to go

through our corporate office. Sir, I need

something for this upcoming charity

tournament. It's a golf fishing

tournament. I either need a free fishing

pole or free golf clubs. OK?Please don't

let me have a tantrum. OK. Unfortunately,

I'm not going to be able to help you

tonight, Sir. What discount will you give

me?I I can look at the sale price. De

Loge gets 50% off. I will tell you that

any place. I can give you the sale price,

Sir. What is that?It depends on what you

look at, Sir. All right, here's what I'm

going to do. I'm going to come in. All

right. I'm going to get a set of golf

clubs. I'll get a couple of fishing

poles. I'll take them out. I'll try them.

I'll bring them back tomorrow, and then

we'll settle financially at the sale

price. I can't do that. Why is that?

Because I'll lose my job. I wouldn't want

you to do that. That's correct, Sir. Can

you do this?No. Wait a minute.

Can I come by, pick you up?You'll take me

out to dinner. We'll talk about this. No.

Well, what can you do for Tony DeLoge?I

can do nothing for you, Sir. Is that

right?That's correct. How do you like the

lighting in your parking lot?I love it.

Oh, that's cause of Tony DeLoge. OK. Or

the people that own the parking lot.

That's not true. I forced them to put in

that new lighting. So can I get some kind

of a kickback?No, Sir. What about money?

No. You're leaving Tony DeLoge out in the

cold?Uh, I guess so, sir. May I say

something?Sure. I will never shop at your

store again. Okay. Good day.

Keenspect, may I help you?

Yes, my name is George Zuko and I'd like

to speak. I bought a product from from

your company and I'm I'm

not sure the actual name of the product,

but I'm having an allergic reaction. I

think it may have contained creatine

and I'm I'm a little bit scared and

concerned right now. What what's your

question?I don't know if I if I can

confide in you on this, 'cause I'm I'm

worried. It's like, see, I have a

swelling in my testicles. Okay.

That, I mean, they're really to like like

grapefruits. Well, then when's the last

time you took any creatine?I'm I'm taking

it right now as a matter of fact.

Then I'd quit taking it. Oh, see, 'cause

I was trying to build myself up with the

supplements. OK, well,

creatine really doesn't build any muscle.

Wait, wait, hold. I just want to take one

more. Take one more.

What?I I just took another creatine. And

why did you take another one?Well,

because I'm trying to build myself up.

I took an entire bottle yesterday. Is

that too much?My first

suggestion would be to stop taking the

creatine and then go see a doctor. I

can't go to a doctor cause I don't have

insurance. Well, I can't fix your

problem. The only thing I can say is stop

taking the creatine. Now, if you want to

return the creatine and you have your

receipt, we'll gladly give you your money

back. But I can't do anything about your

testicles. But I mean, right now my

testicles are like beach bowls. I mean,

that's what I then call 911 and ask for

an emergency team to come out to your

place and take care of you. I would.

Could I come there and show you?I mean,

would that be OK?If you came here and

showed me, I would call 911 and the

paramedics would take care of you. But I

crushed my cat. That's how. Well,

I'm sorry that you crushed your cat, but

I mean, right now they're so large I feel

like I can draw faces on them. Oh,

well, I'll tell you what I could do. I

could hang up and do a trace

call on this and the number that I get

from this resulted call, I could call



And then they would come and take care of

your problem. But I don't want the police

to see my testicle.