02x02 - Wanda Sykes & Robert Schimmel

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't

really matter No, it doesn't really

matter 'Cause we'll all be doubled over

with laughter At the expense of others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight?Crank

Yankers!

Via Village, can I help you?Yes, may I

speak to the manager, please?She's not

here today. She works Monday through

Friday. Well, maybe you can help me.

Somebody better help me. Oh, OK, I'll

try. OK, now I breaded a video

from your store. OK. And it's for my

little boy's birthday party. Oh, heavens.

OK, now I got a room full of little boys,

couple of girls. About to watch this

damn video, I leave the room, I come

back and the screen ain't nothing but

naked assSomebody's

home video is

in this little children's movie

box. Oh my God, I got Child

Protective Services up my a*s now cause

all the parents got pissed cause they

little children are seeing this, this,

this mess and now they think I'm

a pervert. Oh my Lord, that ain't no

Rugrat. I know what the Rugrats look

like. Yes, ma'am.

Obviously it was in the wrong case. And

you know what scared me to death?Some of

the kids said they already seen that

movie. Oh my Lord. Now my little

boy, he having nightmares all night. He

talking about Mama, the giant one eyed

snakes chasing me around the room. Oh

Lord. Now first of all, the

quality was was poor. The lightning was

just horrible. But let me tell you what

was on there. Now this woman,

she spread eagle, spread eagle

on her back. And then this

one guy, he jumped

off the bedpost and bam,

right on in that thing. Oh my Lord.

Yeah, that was that look right painful to

me. And then it was

a another man. He was

taking his, his, his p*nis and just

smacking across the forehead. I

mean, they abused that woman. And he had

a big old donkey DickI mean, that thing

was about 15 inches long. Oh my

Lord. It looked like a

daggone pornographic Cirque de Soleil

up in there. Oh God. Now my

son, he he go, Mama, can we see that

movie again?Can we see that movie again?

If you. Can bring that

back. I'll just. I can change it for

anything else that you want. OK. I tell

you what, I'm gonna bring it in there.

Maybe we can watch it together.

Cause you know that double penetration

thing. I I don't get it. Me either.

You guys gotta fill up everything. You

know, leave some breathing room. Yes,

ma'am. You're right. I take boy. You

should look at that. Look at that. My

little there. My son over there humping

Look at him. Just humping the floor. Look

at him. Humping humping humpingyou know

He just been humping everything now that

he's seen that movie. I'm terribly,

terribly sorry. All right, well, look, I

gotta go. I got choir practice. Okay.

OkayPraise the Lord. Have a nice day.

Ohh

Nationwide Defense Network, this is Rich.

How can I help you?Hi, Rich, this is

Bobby Fletcher. I'm calling about the

job. What type of sales experience

you got?I've sold everything over the

phone. Name it, you've done it. Right.

Well, basically what we're doing here,

Guy, is dealing specifically with,

well, not specifically, taxes. Are

you burping?What?Somebody's burping on

this line. I only have one line. OK,

somebody's burping on this line. And so

that means somebody is probably listening

on my phone call and being a idiot. But

he got some kids working there, something

like that. Of course, there's some little

idiots around here somewhere, you know,

and the people in the middle of a

conversation burping. I mean, it's pretty

childish. OK, what kind of

salary we talking about?350 bucks a week

versus Commission. Whoever's burping,

you're puking. If you got enough guts,

why don't you come over here so I can

whoop on you?The

cool thing about this place is you have

an opportunity to make as much money as

you want, move up the ladder quick. I've

had six promotions in 14 months.

Right. And then we move you up the ladder

and we work also with prepaid legal. We

can actually give prepaid legal away. You

sell the extra $36 deal. You get 25 bucks

for 36 bucks. Not too shabby. That

sounds good, man. Because if you get

somebody to close your calls for you, it

doesn't matter. They'll close the call.

You'll still get paid the same amount of

money because they're getting 3% off your

deal. I'm starting to hear something. I

didn't pick that. Oh yeah, it was a big

one. It's a big juicy one. But you know,

whoever it is may be funny, but it

doesn't bother me because you're not

professional enough to talk right over.

Well, if I'm gonna make sales for you

guys, I can't have some guy burping over

the phone. Well, no, this is only on the

inbound phones here that work for my

specific ones because let's just say

there's internal problems and we're

getting rid of. That's why we're hiring

from this division. So does anything

gonna happen with me because. You know,

I'm pretty professional. I do my call.

Oh, no doubt. So are we. And that's why

people like this guy in the other line,

when we find out who it is, we'll just

have Adam fire, you know, then I'll take

him outside and just beat his assAll

right. I'd like to work for you guys. You

guys sound good, but the burp ends a

little too much for me and. It sounds

like you guys are pretty unprofessional

over there. No, that what it is, is it's

one of those phones that you listen on,

OK?And they cannot only go on so many

lines. I can't deal with that if I'm

trying to make sales. You won't have to.

If it ever happens, we find out where it

comes from. Trust me, we will. All right,

I'll call you back tomorrow if I hear a

burp and then thanks.

Hey, look, we are rich. We are rich.

We are rich.

Look at our apartment. We're rich.

Hello. Hi. Is Judy there?This is

Judy. Hi, Judy. Hi.

Who's this?Robert.

Would you like to do a call?Yes, I would.

OK, you know, my wife is,

when we're doing it, she's just never

makes any noise at all. And and,

you know, I I told her

to, you know, make some kind of animal

noises once and she got really pissed off

You know, I told her I wanted to, you

know, you know, like a duck.

You wanted to quack like a duck. Daisy

is a duck, right?I mean, Donald, duck's

group. I would do anything for her. I

mean, you know. You would?Yeah. Yeah

You wanted to go quack, quack. Oh,

yeah. Quack. Yeah.

Oh, quack, quack. Donald's holding her

down and she's going quack. They don't

really say quack, though. It's like a

honking kind of sound. I know what

ducks f*ck'm sorry. If you know,

maybe maybe you could do a little duck

and then sheep and then duck. But you

want to do a little barnyard?Yeah, yeah,

yeah

Oh man.

Oh, that's it, baby. Can you

do any?Do you do impressions?Oh,

what?Richard Nixon or somebody, some

famous person saying, you know, I just.

I always wanted to hear somebody famous

tell me to come. Oh, really?Yeah.

Well, hello there, Pilgrim. I

think it's time for you to squirt that

thing. Come on, Pilgrim, give

it up to us. Come on, give it to the

beach. What?Am

I jacking off to a guy?Sorry.

Who's the Pilgrim?It's John Wayne.

Girl, that's sick. I don't want to jerk

off to John Wayne. He's dead.

Lauren McCall?Yeah. Okay. Just

pucker up and...

Okay, now move. Just Just move for just a

couple of moves. Ohh

ohh Now the

duck. The duck. Yeah!

Yeah Yeah Yeah Uh-huh

Oh,

baby. Oh,

thanks. That was very interesting,

darling. Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

Bye-bye.

I'm trying to. I'm trying to, you know,

learn some karate. OK. I'm going to jail

in like a month, man. You're going to

jail. I ain't trying to get r*ped. Maybe

I could come through. Maybe you can help

a brother out. I don't know what you're

gonna do in a month's time. But in a

month's time, I'm a hard worker, man. I'm

going to jail. You know, I'm gonna learn

quick. You know, I'm gonna learn

something. I'm gonna keep him out. I'm

gonna keep him out. Yeah. YeahThey gonna

try for the analI ain't getting that. You

know what I'm saying?I want to learn not

to get r*ped. You know what I'm saying?

And if I do get r*ped, I don't want to

get r*ped twice. You know what I'm saying?

I don't want to toss nobody salad.

What's your name?Spoon love from up

above, Paul. They sentenced me,

man. Something I ain't even do. Now I got

to learn how to defend myself. I mean,

you can take a shower together and we can

simulate, you know?No, that ain't gonna

work. That's how I want to. I want to

take my showers with confidence, man. Oh,

yeah. Yeah, man. You ever had a man in

your assHell, no. Do you know how

I'm feeling right now?I'm desperate. I

want to come to your school. What can you

teach me?You got to give me something,

man. One or two moves, dog, to break

somebody's arm or break somebody's p*nis

or, you know, maybe I could bite

somebody's nuts off. What, man?I

do what I got to do, bro. I can't teach

you that, man. You have any exercises

that would strengthen the walls of the

anusNo. Maybe. Maybe my an*s could win a

battle by itself. No, I don't have that.

Rip somebody's. Oh man, let's get serious

now. You want to take time?I am serious.

I'm the one going to jail. I'm the one

going to jail and I got money. And I'm

asking you, a martial artist who's

supposed to been from the Shaolin temple

and all that. What I'm supposed to do

here, man. I don't know. You ever been in

a in a jam like this?Nah, I know they're

going to be threatening me as soon as I

go. Fresh fish, fresh fish, fresh

fish, fresh fish. I'll be hearing

yo-yo Ben. They probably won't even hit.

Could I ask you a question?Could you give

me the technique and teach me how to

sleep on my back?I can't teach you that.

What about keeping them out of my assI

don't know about all that now. I can't

believe this, man. How you going to turn

me down like that?I'm having business

here now. I can take your name and have

one of the black best car you talk with.

Can I be honest with you, brother?Go

ahead. I don't want to get r*ped, man.

Well, you know, I don't want to get

r*ped, man. I don't want you to either.

Ben. Yeah, that's going. That's going to

be on you. No, no, no, noYeah. And

like 2 big dudes just standing there at

my cell door with veins popping out of

their neck and muscles. And they ain't

got nothing to lose. And they just

looking at this pretty American pie. Tell

what you do. I'm handling some business

here now. Yeah, well, I want to know,

will you sleep at night knowing I got a

fat bat in my assI don't know nothing

about all that either, man. If you want

to call back and talk to one of the black

belts, you can do it. The black belt

ain't going to keep that fat bat out my

assI can't teach you anything. All

right, man.

Hello. Hi. Is this a candy store?

Yes, it is. My name is Terrence. I'm

Rosie O'donnell's assistant. Are you

familiar with Rosie?Yes. OK. It is

Rosie's birthday coming up. And every

year on her birthday, we rent out a

candy store for the whole day. And

Rosie just goes wild. She goes berserk

and she eats whatever she can see. And

we, I mean, we don't leave until she's

sick and we carry her out of there. It's

a tradition she does. And we were

interested in renting out your store. Oh,

wow. I like Rosie. Yeah, you do. You

like Rosie?Well, Rosie likes you too. Let

me ask you a couple of things about the

candies that you have. Do you have Rolo's?

No. Because you know what?This store was

originally a penny candy store. Oh,

yes. Old school, old type

of candies. Seco sticks. Oh,

yes. Raisinets. Raisinets. No,

but we can get some for them. OK. Yes, yes

We need those in mass. Something that you

can not just eat, but maybe even dive

into. Oh wow. Now how is

the candy presented?Is it in a a trough

style situation?Because that's what she

likes. She likes to open the trough and

scoop the candy out and just eat out of

the scooper. Do you think you'll have 9

hours worth of candy for her to eat?9

hours?Yes. She will not eat 9

hours worth of candy. Oh yes she will. We

had to have her stomach pumped last year.

Wow. It's why she's put on so much

weight. Now here's what we're going to

do. On her birthday every year, I

blindfold her and I lead her to the

store. And when she walks in the

door, I'd like a Jingling of bells. And

then I would like everyone to yell Happy

candy birthday, Rosie. Oh, wow.

Yes, I'm so for this. Can you give me an

idea of how that would sound if you were

to yell that?OK, Happy candy

birthday, Rosie. That's

terrific. That's really terrific.

Are you a l*sbian?No. OK.

All right, then. But I'm bi. Oh, you

are?Yeah. That's wonderful.

What Rosie would like. Also, she loves

her children. She is a wonderful,

committed mother. She's adopted more than



to have the names of her favorite two

children written out in gummy worms. Oh,

wow. OK, Yes. So her son is Parker Jaren.

OK. And her favorite daughter is Chelsea

Bell. What she'll do is she'll walk

in, everyone will yell happy candy

birthday, Rosie, and then she will move

towards the gummy worms, which will spell

out the names of her children. She will

devour those and she will move on to the

other candy areas of the store. Oh

wow. Ooh, I have an idea. Maybe we could

fill the bathtub with Almond Joy. Oh wow.

OK. All we ask is just a couple of things

that the employees and the staff do not

interrupt her feeding. It could be

dangerous. Someone could get bitten. If

we could have a few buckets placed in

various places around the store in case

she were to vomit or throw up, which she

will. And I know you mentioned that you

were bisexual. I don't know if you're

interested. Maybe what we can do with

this. We'll have Rosie size you up and

see if she wants a little piece of you

too while she's there. But, but I don't

know, 'cause you've been so helpful and I

so look forward to seeing you. Rosie

looks forward to eating your candy and

you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye, bye.

Goodbye.

A story Warrenton Chamber. Hi. With whom

am I speaking?Colleen. Hello, Colleen.

This is Niles Standish calling. Hi.

I'm looking to relocate there. I'm a

very, very wealthy Earl from Yankerville

and I'm looking to move possibly to

Astoria or the surrounding areas.

What can you tell me about Astoria?Why

should I move there?Begin. Low

crime rate. Love it.

Do you like rain?I love it. You're going

to love it here then. Wonderful. There's

a pretty large retirement community here.

I like it. I like the old 10,000 is

population. Perfect. Now let me

tell you what I have in the works, OK?I'm

a bit of a philanthropist. I'm very, very

wealthy. And what I like to do is help

people. I've set up some rehab centers

throughout America, and I'm looking to

build another one, possibly in Astoria.

But what kind of rehab?Drug?Alcohol.

Well, it's called Lollipop House. What it

is, it's a rehab Center for dangerous,

violent sex offenders. And what we

do is we draw violent, dangerous sex

offenders from all the states

surrounding. We'll bring them all there

in one rain soaked location. Now we've

had some therapies that have been working

wonderfully for us. We have an

electroshock therapy, some hypnotism

we've tried. We're even experimenting

with chemical castration. But we want to

get to know the community as well. We'd

like the Predators to be able to work

hand in hand with the local girls and

boys club so that the two can get to know

one another. They can. Do you think

that'll happen?Well, yes, they can get to

know each other. There can be an

educational summit for the two of them.

And just so you know, my goal is that our

members will eventually outnumber the

current local population. In other words,

there will be more dangerous, violent sex

offenders than regular people in Astoria,

OR. So you're saying that there will be

more than 10,000 violent sex offenders

here. In fact, I'm hoping to make

Astoria the sex offender capital of the

world and put us over the 20,000 mark.

OK, here's something we're very excited

about. We have a 72% success

rate. OK, so are you talking about

like child molesters or?

What?Keep going. Keep going. Yes. And

or everybody. I mean, we don't

discriminate. We are looking at people

who are sensualists.

OK, well, what can I do for you?Let me

tell you something. I think you've done

it. What was your name again?Colleen.

Colleen. Can I tell you something?

Sure. I think Lollipop House has found a

new home in Astoria, OR. And it's

all it's all thanks to Colleen. When we

move to Astoria, don't you worry, you

will be getting full credit for hundreds

upon thousands of dangerous violent sex

offenders coming to Astoria. One last

question, what are the sodomy laws like

in your municipality?