02x35 - Bowie's Baby

[bunniefuu]

[thumping]

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a bold, adventurin' man ♪

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ Battled for right with a powerful hand ♪

♪ His blade was tempered

♪ And so was he

♪ Indestructible steel was he

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter

♪ A fearless and mighty

♪ Adventurin' man

♪ [Light music]

- The year, 1830.

The place, the Natchez Trace,

a 500 mile stretch of dank, dangerous wilderness,

infested with wild animals and wilder men,

land pirates, highwaymen, and renegade Indians.

[hooves pounding]

[fire crackling]

[footsteps thumping]

[baby crying]

[fire crackling]

[baby crying]

[gentle music]

[laughing]

- Oh, you'll excuse me, but it is funny.

The great Jim Bowie riding around

the countryside with a baby.

[laughing]

- Well I'm glad you find it so amusing, Sheriff.

And I'm sure you'll find a good home

for that fine little boy,

maybe among the wealthy planters around here.

- A foundling of unknown parentage?

Hardly.

It's your baby, Bowie.

- You're the sheriff of Natchez, aren't you?

- I'm also the sheriff of Natchez Under the Hill.



- Is that a fact?

Well nobody saddles me with a baby.

- You go out the door without this here kid

and I'm charging you with desertion.

- Desertion?

- Now pick it off my desk and get it out of here.

[light music]

- [Jim] I needed advice.

Friendly advice.

No, friendly feminine advice.

And there was only one place I knew to find it.

[delicate music]

- [Ellie] Jim Bowie!

- Oh, hello, Ellie.

- [Ellie] What brings ya to Natchez?

- Hm? Well uh--

- [Ellie] You tryin' to sell somethin' fast?

- Uh no, no, not exactly.

- You know Captain McQueen.

- Why sure, how are you, Rock Heart?

- Last time I seen you, Jim, why ya's,

ya's uh, tanglin' with a couple of dock thieves

down in New Orleans.

Had 'em outnumbered, too.

- That's right, yeah.

Well Skipper, how is your steamboat?

- Ah, she's tied up for repair.

- Oh yeah? Hmm.

- Whaddda you have in the blankets, Jim?

- Oh, this?

Well, uh...

- Well I'll be.

Take a look, the spittin' image.

Didn't you bring Misses Bowie?

- No, I didn't bring Misses Bowie,

and what's more, there is no Misses Bowie.

[laughing] As you both

know very well.

Now listen, now will you be quiet?

[baby crying]

- It's that foghorn voice of yours, Ellie.

Now you woke him up.

- I woke him up?

It got a squint at your cigar butt face,

that's what done it. [crying]

When'd you last feed it, Jim?

- When'd I last feed it?

Why, I haven't...

- Annie, Annie, quit gawkin'.

Go out and get milk and a nursin' bottle.

[whimpering]

Yes, ohh, aww.

- You know, now, Ellie, see, I got a little problem.

- First things first, Bowie.

- Huh?

- Sit down, Jim, you better have a drink.

- Yeah, I think maybe I better.

[light music]

You see, Ellie, that's why I come see you.

I'm due in Texas, and I can't go carryin' a baby

all across the southwest.

And I thought you might know a family around here,

maybe up on the hill, who'd like to adopt it, uh, him.

Have to be a good family, of course.

- How would I know a good family?

- Oh well, I suppose I just have to

scout around myself.

You can put me up for the night, can't ya?

- Not a room left.

- Oh no. - McQueen took

the last one yesterday. - I'd share it with you, Jim,

but that bed up there ain't wide enough

for a starvin' eel.

- Well thanks, Rock Heart, I'll just put up

at the Texana.

Now Ellie, you gotta do me one favor.

- What favor?

- Take care of the baby for tonight?

- Me?

- [Jim] Well why not?

- In a saloon?

Jim, this ain't no place for an innocent kid.

- That's right, Jim.

Ellie ain't nobody to be takin' care of no baby.

- [Jim] Well, I haven't had a wink of sleep in two days.

- What do you mean I ain't nobody to be

takin' care of no baby?

- Maybe you know all there is to know about

whiskey and men, but the little infant like that's

not a thing.

It needs tender care.

- What's so hard about takin' care of a baby?

- Nothin, nothin, just forget it.

- Are you tryin' to insult me or somethin'?

- What's got into you?

- I'm as tender as you are, ya big ape.

- Women!

[footsteps clumping]

[door slamming]

- You river rat.

- Simmer down, Ellie, simmer down.

Now listen, honey, you gotta help me.

- Well, I don't know.

- Just-- - You're askin'

an awful lot.

- Just for one night.

Look, he's such a nice little baby.

He'd be no trouble, look at him.

Isn't he beautiful?

- All right, only don't make a habit of it.

- Well of course I won't, Ellie.

Thanks! You're a pal.

[light music]

[baby crying]

- Here now, what's goin' on, huh?

You had a bad dream about Indians or somethin'?

Aw, darlin'.

[baby crying]

- Great gallopin' broiler plates!

[baby crying]

- Maybe you're hungry, is that what's eatin' ya, huh?

Well I'll get ya a little snack.

[baby crying]

- Sounds like the Devil Queen on a sandbar.

Hey, what's goin' on in here, m*rder or somethin'?

[crying]

Oh, easy on the whistle there.

Yeah, what's uh, what's got into ya, anyhow?

Huh?

Ooh, I bet you wanna get picked up, don't ya?

All right, just for a minute.

That's all, though, just one tour around the deck.

Just one.

Hey, you need a dry sail.

You're as marshy as a bayou.

Yeah.

Oughta be one around here someplace.

[gentle music]

Here ya are.

[cootchie-cooing]

[chuckling]

Yeah.

[light music]

What's the idea of desertin' the bridge

in a storm like this?

- I'm gettin' him some milk.

- It ain't his bow, it's his stern.

Here, give me that.

[light music]

- Ain't he cute, Harry?

- He sure is.

Trim as a pink dinghy.

- Wonder what his name is.

- I don't know, ain't painted on his hull nowheres.

- Maybe it's the same as yours.

- Rock-Heart?

No, you mean Harry?

- Could be Harry.

- Think so?

[gentle music]

Harry.

[cootchie-cooing]

Hi, Harry.

[light music]

He ain't no Harry!

Now what's eatin' you?

- Nothin', you big moose, what's eatin' you?

- Lack of sleep, that's what!

Now here.

He's all set to sail.

- Yeah, he likes you so much,

walk him up and down 'til he's asleep.

- Now dagnabbit, Ellie.

- Don't use,

don't use that kind of language in front of the kid.

- Excuse me.

[light music]

- Good morning, Rock Heart.

- Here.

- Hmm?

Well sit down, Captain, sit down.

- Now you take this here baby.

- Well can't I even finish my pancakes?

You're up early.

- Haven't been to bed.

Had us up all night, he did,

arguin', and gurglin', and whinin', and whimperin'.

Had to walk three watches with him,

mannin' the pumps each time.

[chuckling]

- How's Ellie?

- She's tuckered out, asleep finally.

Now, you oughtn'ta put anything like this on her.

She ain't as young as she used to be.

- Why, she's been up all night before.

- Now listen to me, Bowie.

I don't want that woman with this here kid.

A saloon's noplace for a baby.

Now you take this here baby and find it a decent home,

no wheel and deal.

- Well how can I take care of the baby

and find a decent home at the same time?

- Well you--

- Now look, Rock Heart, you just keep the baby

for today and I'll find a decent home by sundown.

I promise.

- All right, I reckon I could keep it in the cabin.

- Why, that's the perfect place.

- All right, sundown.

- Rock Heart?

- Hm?

- How did Ellie get the Wheel and Deal

in the first place?

I mean, who backed her?

- I did, New Year's mornin', 10 years ago.

[light music]

- So, I finished my pancakes

and set out to find a home for the baby.

The first place I tried didn't want a baby.

But I kept on trying.

I had to get to Texas.

There must be somebody who wanted a baby.

Ah, how do you do, sir?

How would you like to-- [door slamming]

Thank you very much, sir.

[low music]

[door slamming] [footsteps clicking]

- Any luck?

- I could trade off a blind horse easier.

- Who's takin' care of him?

Where'd you leave him?

- Well Rock Heart has him on the steamboat.

- That innocent little lamb is down there

on that steamboat?

- Well he's all right, it's only for one day. He'll survive.

- It ain't the baby, it's Harry.

- Well who's Harry?

- Rock Heart!

- Oh.

- Ain't you got no finer feelings at all?

- What've I done now?

- Didn't you know his kid drowned in the river

up around Vicksburg?

- Rock Heart had a son?

- Sure.

Wife died havin' it.

Harry raised it himself.

- No Ellie, I didn't know that.

- I didn't either, til he got drunk one New Year's Eve.

Right now he's puttin' three orphans

through school back east.

One of 'em's a Chickasaw.

[sighing]

Why he sticks to that old tub is more'n

I can figure out.

[clunking]

[baby crying]

- Ellie? Here, Ellie.

[door slamming]

Here.

I think he had some hard tack.

- Hard tack?

- Yeah, he's been hollerin' like that for an hour.

- And how did he get hard tack?

- Well, he had to have somethin' to chew on, didn't he?

- Chew? With what?

- With teeth, that's what.

Here, lemme show ya.

[slapping]

- Keep that dirty paw out of that baby's mouth.

What's the matter with you?

Annie, fix up another bottle!

Now I'm stuck with him another night,

just to get him back on his feed.

- Well, that's very nice of ya, Ellie, real nice.

- One more, ya understand?

That's the limit.

- Just one more.

- Hard tack!

- I did the best I could, Ellie.

- A rusty steamboat ain't no proper place

for a baby, anyway.

- My steamboat ain't rusty.

- It ain't no duke's palace.

- Well it's a lot cleaner than this here

deadfall of yours, with a better class of people.

[light music]

- Well then and there, I knew exactly who

oughta adopt that kid.

But how to make them know it, that was my problem.

Yes sir, it was a real problem.

I thrashed around all night with it.

I was still chewin' it over the next morning

when all of a sudden, the solution walked right

into the Texada lobby.

[light music]

- I, sir, am Arnold Trask,

actor manager of the Philadelphia Players.

I would like accommodations for my wife and myself.

A small room, at professional rates, of course.

- [Clerk] You're play actors?

- [Arnold] Theatrical artist would be a happier phrase.

- There, sign the book.

- Um, excuse me, sir, Mr. Trask, ma'am?

My name is Jim Bowie.

I was wonderin' if you'd be interested in

givin' a private performance.

- Possibly.

- Uh, tell me, were you ever in the circus?

- Certainly not!

- Oh.

But you could pretend to be, couldn't you?

For a fee?

- I suppose I could impersonate a circus performer.

- Yes, that's what I mean.

- If the fee were adequate.

- Oh, the fee will be adequate.

- Why don't you go down to the wharf and fix your boiler?

You make me nervous.

- I don't wanna fix my boiler.

[footsteps thunking]

- We rid of him?

[door thudding]

Uh, Annie, run upstairs and get the baby, will ya?

[Annie sobbing]

Well, you'll both be happy to hear

that I've found a prospect, a fine young couple.

They'll be here any minute.

[clunking]

- Well that's, that's exactly what we want to hear.

Isn't it, Ellie?

- Sure is.

Now maybe both of us'll be sleepin' nights again.

- Yes sir, I was sittin' in the lobby

of the Texada hotel, just about to give up,

and in they walked.

Man, I was gettin' desperate.

Why, I even had the wild idea,

[laughing]

the wild idea that you might like

to adopt him, Ellie.

- Me?

That's the silliest idea I ever heard of.

- I threw it out right away.

- How could I adopt him?

Couldn't keep him in a place like this, could I?

- Course not.

- And you don't think I'm gonna sell it to ya.

- Why, certainly not.

- This place is a gold mine.

Well, don't be gettin' any wild ideas like that.

- Well, I got an even wilder one than that.

[laughing]

Why, for a minute there, I even thought that,

that Rock Heart here might adopt him.

[laughing]

- Me?

I'd have to give up steamboatin'.

- Steamboatin'.

- Well, I told ya it was a wild idea.

- Of all the careers open to men,

steamboatin' is the best.

- [Jim] I always did like a nice steamboat ride.

- Sure, so's everybody else.

Always somethin' new, always somethin' different

around the bend.

- Girl at every landin'?

- You bet!

Well, it's better than havin' a wife

naggin' at ya all the time about

puttin' on airs and fancy clothes.

Yes, siree.

Steamboatin' suits Rock Heart Harry McQueen

right down to the keel.

- Ahh, here we are, come right in, please.

[door clicking]

Mister and Misses Trask, I'd like you to meet

Miss Ellie Franklin and Captain Rock Heart McQueen.

- Ma'am.

Sir.

- They've been takin' care of the little fella.

- Oh. Well, may we see him?

- Why, here he is right now.

[Annie crying]

- Now set the baby down, Annie.

Put him down over here.

- [Christine] May I?

[Annie crying]

- Well, do you think he'll do, Christine?

- [Christine] He's a little soft.

- [Harold] Well, we can harden him up.

- For what?

- You understand, Mr. Bowie, that once we take the child

there'll be no returning it.

- Oh, of course, of course.

- Take him where?

- We're giving up our acting career after

the current season.

- Play actors!

- Yes, we're returning to our first love, the circus.

- We're really acrobats.

And that's what worries me, Arnold.

I think he's a little too big for a top mounter.

- What's a top mounter?

- Well, Mrs. Trask stands on my shoulders,

and he would stand on hers.

- [Christine] On a tightrope, of course.

- [Arnold] Of course.

- Oh, he's a bit heavy, Arnold.

- Come here, Christine.

We can keep him on short rations,

water his milk, that'll stunt his growth.

- And if it doesn't work out

we could always use him in an animal act.

- Well, Mr. Bowie, we're in agreement.

You will deliver the child tomorrow at noon.

- Tomorrow at noon, yes sir, he'll be there.

- Good. Good day, sire. - Good day,

- Sire, ma'am. - Good day, ma'am.

You lucky little boy.

What a fine young couple, aren't they?

- All right, let 'em stunt his growth,

and what do you care?

You big, selfish moose.

Keep your steamboat!

- Better than keepin' a saloon!

- Uh, Ellie, I'll be back tomorrow at noon.

[light music]

I thought I had him,

but you never can be sure when you're

dealing with affairs of the heart.

By the next day at noon,

I was more worried than hopeful.

[light music]

Now Ellie, lemme pass.

I gotta get that baby.

The acrobats are expecting him.

- That kid ain't gonna walk on no tightrope.

- Well Ellie, it's either the rope or the Cherokees, one.

There's nobody wants the baby.

- Oh yes there is, I want it.

I'm keepin' that baby

- In a saloon?

- Never mind where, that baby stays with me.

- Oh no, he don't, I'm raisin' that boy myself.

[dramatic music]

- Fine pair you are.

Fine, helpful pair.

You both say you want the baby,

baby needs love more than anything else.

What you say about that?

Huh?

What are you gonna do about that, huh?

[baby crying] - And now, if any here

have cause to say why this man and this woman

should not be joined in holy matrimony,

let him now speak or forever hold his peace.

- Ellie, don't you know how to hold that baby?

You'll give him a crooked back that way.

- If you keep pokin' your mug into his,

he'll get a crooked face to match.

Here, Bowie.

- Hm?

[baby crying]

- Ellie, do you take this man to be

your lawful wedded husband?

- I do.

- Harry, do you take this woman to be

your lawful wedded wife?

[upbeat music]

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter,

♪ A fearless and mighty adventurin' man ♪