02x27 - Up the Creek

[bunniefuu]

[thwacking]

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a bold adventurin' man ♪

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ Battled for right with a powerful hand ♪

♪ His blade was tempered and so was he ♪

♪ Indestructible steel was he

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter, a fearless and mighty adventurin' man ♪

- [Jim Voiceover] Around 1830 an urgent need of ready money

sent me and my cousin, Abner Bowie,

up into Arkansas territory to sell

a couple of tracts of land we owned.

The holdings were separated, so we parted company

at Dardanelle, agreeing to meet there again in two weeks.



I pitched camp not far from Dardanelle.

[chorus humming folk music]

[horse whinnying]

- Hey!

Hey, where is somebody?

- Right here, ma'am.

- I'm lost.

- That's not hard to do in these parts.

Whereabouts do ya live?

- Up the creek.

But I ain't a'goin' back there.

- Oh, you mean that you've run away from home?

- I sure have.

My Paw done fixed me up to marry me up with Mizell Mabes.

I can't stand nothin' 'bout that man.

- Oh, that's ah, that's to bad.

- So I'm goin' to my kinfolks in Dardanelle.

Oh please, mister, can stay by your fire tonight

and will you put me on the high road come mornin'?

- Well I don't generally like to get

mixed up in family affairs.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

I'm of age. - Oh?

- Oh please, mister, if Paw and the boys catch me now

well they'll cure skin me.

Well, ah, I mean.

- I'll just sit by your fire.

- Alright, you can have my blanket.

Kinda chilly tonight.

Here you are.

- The minute I seen your face, I, I said to myself,

Millie Mae Jimson, you done finally

met yourself a gentleman.

- Thank you, ma'am.

[chorus humming]

- [Jim Voiceover] Next morning, bright and early we prepared

to head to the high road.

- [Paw] Unhand that gal!

- I'll sh**t the varmint.

- Protect me!

- Lookee there, huggin' him.

- She needs a thrashin'.

- All in good time.

Let go of that weapon.

- A huggin' and a kissin' him.

- Oh we weren't neither.

- No, no, I was just seein' her to the high road.

She was lost, you ask her.

- [Millie] That's right.

- Lost on purpose.

Don't waste your breath, Paw.

Let Gayman handle this gal-snatcher.

We'uns'll just stop over to Preacher Luke's

and get her and Mizell hitched up proper.

- I ain't a'gonna have her.

- Well praise be.

- I'm gonna put it to ya flat.

You done ruined this little gal's chances

of gettin' a husband.

- Why no I haven't.

I haven't laid a hand on her.

Oh, I haven't touched her, I-

- That's right, Paw.

- Well Pookenhorn, here's your choice.

On the one hand, you could marry Millie Mae this mornin'.

On the other hand.

[chorus humming]

- Well I, I, I guess you got me.

[chorus humming]

- Gayman!

[chorus humming]

- Swing him up, Mr. Jimson.

- No!

- Aww, let me sh**t 'im.

- Hear that?

You gonna marry up on my little gal or not?

- I guess I'm gonna marry up with your little gal.

- [Jim Voiceover] I was in real trouble.

These folks weren't foolin'.

'Bout all I could do was play for time.

- Why, Preacher Moe, we're on our way to your place.

- Howdy, brother.

What can I do for y'all this mornin'?

- Perform a little marriage ceremony.

Mr. Pookenhorn here and Millie Mae

wanna tie the weddin' band.

- Here and now.

- Well ah, there's not all that much hurry far as I-

- Yes there is.

- Well the fine truth is I can't do 'er till tomorry.

I'm late right now for a buryin' I got to do.

Think tomorrow mornin's soon enough?

- Yes, Paw, it would give me time to go

borrow Lizzie Odem's dress.

- Why sure, I can wait.

As far as I'm concerned, next week, next mon-

- We'uns are gonna keep ya company.

- Well then I'll be a headin' up the creek at sunup.

Come on, mule, let's go.

[playing mouth harp] [whistling]

- I come to have a little talk with ya

while the boys is out of my way.

- Well you got the floor.

- Got a little deal to offer, twixt us two.

Those boys is so wild and mean.

I wouldn't dare let them know.

- Let 'em know what?

- I got these papers off of a secret pocket

in your saddlebags.

Papers belongin' to James P. Bowie,

vice president of the State Bank of Opelousas.

Now do you wanna hear what I got to say,

Mr. Pookenhorn Bowie.

- Well, go on.

- I'm gonna give you a chance to save your skin.

There's a nice, new farm near here with a good house on it.

Folks want $5,000.

Now, in spite of what's happened, I think Millie Mae

can get herself a hard-workin' husband

if I had that place to dower on her.

- That's a good idea, real good idea.

- Glad you agree.

Trouble is, I ain't got enough money.

I figured you might help out.

Then I can let you escape from here.

- Hurry up, Paw.

Mizell's come over here with a kettle of tar

and a feather pillow.

They might take a notion to come

a prancin' in here any minute.

- Well?

- Oh well, ah, give me a pen and some paper

and I'll make you out a note.

- Now you know I ain't gonna take no note,

Mr. Pookenhorn Bowie.

Now, do you want us to escort you and your new missus

back home to Opelousas or are you gonna help me put

a dower on Millie Mae so you can go your way in peace.

- Alright, let me loose.

[whistling] [mouth harp music]

- 2,000, 3,000, 4,900, 60, 80, 5,000.

Thank you, sir.

Your papers, sir.

Your weapon, sir.

And your change.

- My what?

- Your change, 50 cents.

I like to keep things straight and businesslike.

- [Millie Mae] It's all right out here, hurry.

- Now you rear aback, get a good start

and hightail it out of that door as hard as you can go.

Keep straight ahead.

By the time them boys find out you're gone

you'll be at the edge of the wood.

Your horse is there, already saddled.

- Edge of the wood.

- Yes. - Come on.

- [Millie Mae] Get him boys, he's a gettin' away!

[g*ns firing]

- How much'd we get this time, Paw?

- Oh, little better'n last time.

- Well how much?

- $5,000 gold.

- 5,000!

[excited shouting]

- One or two more like that and we're gonna buy ourself

a plantation and eat off of gold dishes.

[laughing]

[mouth harp music]

[chorus humming]

- Jim, there must have been some way

you coulda got out of it.

Now if it'd been me, I'd-

- You'd've done just what I did, Abner.

See, once that girl fell for me, I was done for.

That's what gave the old man the idea.

- But all that money.

- Money, money, nevermind the money.

How 'bout me?

Now I had the choice between being shot, hanged,

tarred and feathered or marriage.

Why that preacher must be up there waitin' for me right now.

- And I'll be here all day today so now fill 'er up.

- You're full of the cork now, get out.

- Gosh darn you, I'll tear this place board to sink.

- Ah, waiter.

Hey, ah, that fella you just threw out, ah,

where I seen him before?

- That drunk out in the middle of the road probably

or up Mud Creek.

- Mud Creek?

Why, of course.

Preacher Luke.

- Him, a preacher?

[laughing]

- What's so funny?

- Na, he's just one of those chicken snatchin' squatters.

Luke Jimson.

- Jimson?

- What's the matter.

- Ah, that drunk was all got up as a preacher yesterday.

He was the one who was gonna marry us this mornin'.

Now let's see, if he's a fake then, ah,

you say he's the son of old man Jimson?

- That's right.

There's four boys and a girl.

Otie, Gayman, Luke and Mizell.

- Oh no, not Mizell.

He's the girl's.

He's a son too?

- Yep, the oldest, worst of the lot.

- Gol dog my cats.

- Fell for ya, did she?

You babe in the woods.

- Nevermind hayseed wit, Abner, let's go.

Pay for the coffee.

[chorus humming]

- Now it ain't that I misdoubt your word, Mr. Bowie.

Fact is, I've been itchin' to get my hands on them

no 'count Jimsons for a long time now.

But you just ain't got a case.

- Look, they got my $5,000, that's a case.

- Well how you gonna prove that?

- They'll all swear together.

It's six of them and one of you.

- They got gold coin from him.

That oughta prove something.

- Yeah.

- It ain't the only gold coin in the country.

Suppose we did catch him with some of it on him.

How's Mr. Bowie gonna prove it's his?

- Well then we'll just go on out there

and take it away from him.

Well now hold up, boy, you're gonna end up right in there.

You're talkin' about robbery.

- Now listen, Sheriff, suppose my cousin

were to go up there, for shelter,

and they were to rob and swindle him?

- Oh no, we're gonna hang on to what I've got.

- I think I know what they would take though.

Say we were to make a mark on some gold coin

and you were to go on up there, let 'em take you for it,

then come on back here.

Then we'll all go over and ah, and arrest 'em

Now if you caught 'em that way,

you'd have a case, wouldn't you?

- That's it.

- You mean the same gold coin I see you mark.

- That's right.

- Well what about it, Sheriff?

- I believe you've hit her.

- Abner, let's have your money.

[coins rattling]

- What's that you're doin'?

- I'm puttin' a pupil in the eye of Miss Liberty.

[chorus humming]

- Be dry in no time, Paw.

You're next, Mizell.

- Aww, it seems to me like we oughta have more'n one

set a duds apiece, all the money there is in this family.

- Ain't gonna squander one penny on clothes

till we get our plantation.

Ain't gonna take but one more sucker like that last one

then Mizell can have three or four new shirts.

All of you.

- And I'll be a washin' 'em.

- Hey, Paw, Paw!

There's a feller a'headin' this way up the creek

all gussied up like a steamboat gambler.

- With me and my clothes all wet.

- Land a goshen, look at me.

- See there, give me that shirt.

- We got to do with just what we got.

Now you wait here.

Luke!

Luke.

Luke, come on, get up.

Get up, get up.

- Where's your preacher collar?

Get it on, look holy.

Hurry up there.

Everybody keep your mouth shut.

I'll do the talkin'.

- Good day, sir.

- Howdy do, howdy do, sir.

Takin' the sun for my rheumatis.

Weren't expectin' no company.

- My name is Hougland, sir, Julius P. Hougland.

My animal's almost exhausted.

I've been riding all day over some land I've been thinking

of buying and we're both in need of lodging for the night.

- We're a little crowded on account of arrangin'

for my daughter's weddin'.

This is my daughter and her intended.

That's Preacher Luke.

You married, Mr. Hougland?

- Oh no, sir, I've been so busy managing my plantation

I haven't had much time for the ladies.

- Dismount your horse, sir.

Put your money away.

We Jimsons never let company pay.

Gayman, take Mr. Hougland's horse.

Come right in, Mr. Hougland.

- 42 field hands last time I checked.

Another dozen or so in the sugar mill.

Bought a Nicholas Roosevelt steamboat engine.

Put her in the mill.

The whole thing's run by steam power.

- Tell us about your house.

- Oh, it's just a small plantation, ma'am.

- How small?

- 12, 14 rooms, I suppose.

I plan to add to it when I get a wife and family.

- You mean you live there all by yourself?

- Does get lonesome sometimes with nobody to talk to

but the servants.

- Whee, there's one thing we don't have to worry about.

Millie Mae, it's past your bedtime.

I reckon you'd better show Mr. Hougland

where he'll bed down.

- Night everybody.

- There's a roof on the stable,

plenty of sweet hay and burlap sacks.

Oh, just look at them stars tonight, thicker than fleas

on a hog's back, ain't they?

- Boys, I got the dangdest idea.

- Well hurry it up, Paw.

She's due to holler in a minute.

- Listen, how would you like to be livin' on that plantation

of his'n, with all them 47 field hands a'workin' for ya

and that sugar mill a'chuggin' out dollars, day and night?

- How?

- [Millie Mae] Paw, boys, help, help.

- I'll tell ya later, get goin'.

- Unhand that gal.

- [Gayman] I'll sh**t the varmint.

- [Millie Mae] Protect me, don't sh**t.

- Hey, have you seen my cousin?

- He ain't been back, Mr. Bowie.

- Well that's funny.

He should be.

Hey, what's the matter?

- Take a look at this.

Bites like gold but it just don't look right.

- Yup, that's one of 'em.

Where'd you get this?

- Otie Jimson bought himself a couple a jugs

within an hour or so ago.

- Otie Jimson, huh?

Where'd he go?

- Back up the creek.

They're havin' a weddin' up there today.

He come in to get the Reverand Haynes.

- Haynes?

The real reverend?

- Real as they come.

His church is right across the street.

Hey, where're you goin', Mr. Bowie,

in case your cousin comes back?

- To get the sheriff.

My cousin's up the creek.

[chorus humming]

- Hello.

There's where we'uns turn up the creek, Reverend.

[chorus humming]

- [Abner] Can I make a run for it now?

- Plans have been changed, son.

- Changed?

But you took my money.

- Took it for the weddin' and honeymoon expenses.

A man oughta pay for his own weddin'.

- Came to get you ready, honey pot.

You can't get married lookin' like cat

that jumped the dog fight.

- I'm not gonna marry you.

- Oh, you are too.

Ain't he, Paw?

- Lessen he wants Gayman to string him up

like a butchered hog.

To wild to get cut loose now.

Better wash his face as he is, Millie Mae.

- I don't want my face washed.

I'm not gonna get married.

- Oh hold your head still, honey pot.

- I'm not your honey pot.

And I'm not rich.

I haven't got any plantation.

- Oh hold still, there's gonna be

a minister here any minute.

- Another thing, son, when we take you out there

I don't wanna hear one word out of ya except, I do.

There's gonna be g*ns on ya every minute

and the first move you make is gonna be the last.

[chorus humming]

- Look, Sheriff, can't that jughead of yours go any faster?

- Well, Mr. Bowie, if you're in any rush,

you just go right on ahead, I'll be there.

[chorus humming]

[door opening]

- Everybody hold everything.

[g*n firing]

[Millie Mae screaming]

- Come on.

- Let go, Reverend.

[grunting]

- Get off of me.

[yelling]

[g*n firing]

- All right now, all you Jimsons, line up there.

[chorus humming]

- Oh, thank you, Reverend.

Well Mr. Jimson, aren't you gonna join

the rest of your little brood?

[chorus humming]

- Here you are, Paw.

You're next, Mizell.

- Awww.

- Boy, you take off that shirt.

When we get our plantation, Mizell, you're gonna have

three or four new shirts and Millie Mae,

she gonna have a whole bar full of pretty clothes.

And Gayman is gonna have a gold harp, six foot high,

just like the angels.

[clanging]

- Hey, Sheriff.

- I'm comin'.

- Oh howdy, Sheriff.

We just came to say, goodbye.

- And thanks, the clerk at the court

just returned our money.

- Yeah.

- You're gone for good, I hope.

[clanking] [yelling]

- What's the matter, Sheriff, something wrong?

[yelling] [clanking]

- You hear that?

Five months, 14 days and four more hours to go.

My wife's left me, my turnkey's left me.

I'm just about plumb outta my mind.

[chorus humming]

[laughing]

- You know, she's not a bad lookin' girl, Jim.

- No, she is kinda pretty.

- A little high-spirited but she'll probably

settle down some day.

- Yeah, she'll make someone a real fine wife.

- Uh huh.

- Whoa now.

- Let's get outta here. - Let's get outta here.

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter, a fearless and mighty adventurin' man ♪