03x17 - Tracy Morgan & Jimmy Kimmel

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Tony

Barbieri, Adam Corolla,

Tom Stern, Sarah

Silverman, Bob Odenkirk

and Wanda Sykes. Yeah, a one-eyed

advantage dragging. That's what it was.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged

or what. But it doesn't really matter.

No, it doesn't really matter. 'Cause

we'll all be doubled over with laughter

at the expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello?Yes, this is Etienne,

the front desk concierge calling. I have

I have wonderful news. Yes, sir. I was

able to secure your Siegfried and Roy

tickets for this evening's performance,

and I've gone ahead and charged them to

your room's credit card. No thanks, Sir.

Neither of us requested those.

Monsieur, I apologize. These are no

refund, no exchange tickets I got. What

name are you asking for?This is Mr.

Fossum's room. Yes, Sir. But I didn't

actually get my credit card and I did not

request those tickets. Monsieur, there

must be some misunderstanding. No, no,

there is no misunderstanding. We did not

order that. See, we play. See we play,

Monsieur. Umm I was

requested for two Siegfried and Roy

Deluxe packages. This is where you see

the show and are invited back behind

the scenes after the show. So Siegfried

and Roy give you a personal hands-on

tour. No, Sir. And let me tell you

something, Monsieur Forsum. They are very

hands-on. Uh, yeah, whatever. Now,

just let me tell you the...



Forsum. I'm sorry, he's now in the

shower. All right. If you could please to

pass along a message to him. The

tickets he requested will be waiting for

him. Well, I don't believe that he from

what I heard, I don't believe he actually

requested. He's actually flying out

today. Well, if you can ask him how he

wants to handle my tip

right now, I'm guessing it's going to be



it?They were put on. I'm unrelated. Sir.

Stop. StopOr that's

it. Shut up right now. Shut up.

OK. No, no, no, Monsieur. Just shut up

for a moment. Step one. Step one. My

game. My way. You even remotely want to

try and do this right. You do it my way.

Do you understand that?Rod your head. Say

yes. If I'm nodding my head, you can't

see me now. Step one. Name. I'm

Etienne. It's French for Steve. What is

your last name, please?I'm Etienne

Lepetomaine. Please spell your last name.

Lepetomaine. Look,

you little frog. I'm not appreciating

this. When did this happen to us?The

moment you didn't listen to me. I am the

customer. Yes, you are the customer, but

I am the concierge. I don't care who you

are. What is more important?The customer.

Uh, this is an item of dispute. Now. Do

you or will you or will you not give me

your last name?Because I will go straight

to the hotel people and say this person

has been completely belligerent. No. Now,

last name. Spell it. Goodbye. This

is... Sacre Bleu. Ohh

Hi, this is... Hi. I'm

calling because frankly, I'm upset.

Something horrible happened at your

restaurant last night and I I need to

clear the air. OK, OK

I went to use the men's room

and I made a BM in one of the stalls

and as I was about to flush, the men's

room attendant came over and said don't

flush, there's it's broken.

So I didn't flush. I didn't think

anything of it. I left. But then. Couple

minutes later, I I couldn't find my car

keys. So I I went back because I thought

they fell out of my trousers. And when I

went in there, what I saw sickened me.

Hello. What did you see?I'm sorry. Yeah,

what I saw was your washroom attendant.

He had rubber gloves. He was leaning over

the toilet bowl. He was eating

my BM. What?

Yes, he was eating my stool. Sir. Sir.

Sir. I'm a little

caught off guard here. I have nothing. I

have no idea what to say to that. I

really don't. This is an individual. I

don't know if this was a new individual

who came in on a Sunday night. He's not

the normal person. I was not in the men's

room. I'll have to check with some of the

male members of our staff. Wait, there's

more. This guy grinned at me. It was a

sick, perverted, degenerate grin. And

you know, I never knew what that

expression meant before, but there is no

other way to describe it. It was a eating

grin. And he asked me if I'd come back to

give him dessert. Sir, Are you sure?

Because most of these most I'm only

saying this because most of our bathroom

attendants don't speak very good English.

That's why. But yeah, well, it's hard to

speak English with a mouthful of crap.

Sir, may I have your name, please?Yeah,

the name's Murray Waldbaum. But listen,

here's what really blows my mind, Sir.

Why the rubber gloves?He's got sanitation

concerns. I mean, he doesn't want to

touch the turd, but he's OK with scoffing

it down like a damn chalkadile. And like

I said to you, Sir, I apologize, but

you've caught me off guard and I don't

know what to say to you, except I

apologize. But you know what?I'm

open-minded even about pee drinking,

but poop eating is beyond my

understanding. Yes, Sir. I agree with

you. And I can't have you screaming at me

like this. All right, well, I feel better

now. I've. But one more thing. Totally

unrelated. Right. I thought the soup was

cold and a little bland. Well, thank you

very much for calling. All right, well, I

feel better. Oh, good. OK. Goodbye.

Hello. How you doing?Hey, you

calling about the NBA squad I'm starting

up?Uh, yeah. That's great. What's

your name and how tall are you?My name is

Omar and I'm 6'5. You

got long arms too, right?Two, two.

Probably change your light bulb on a

fluorescent fixture in a guy's garage

without using a ladder. Yeah, something

like that. Mm-hmm, mm-hmmSay a guy

had a neighbor who he didn't get along

too good with because allegedly poisoned

his dog, but he had a nice persimmon

tree, but he couldn't quite get to it

over the 8 foot fence. You're the kind of

guy who could probably reach your fruit,

yeah?YeahAll right.

Got a strong back, do you?Yeah. Mm-hmm

Strong enough to move my 600-pound wife

out of her bed if she needed a sponge

bath?Yeah, I can move anybody. You move

anybody, huhNot this bitchEgyptian

sl*ves couldn't move this one. What

do you drink?What do I drink?Yeah.

Hypnotic and Hennessy. Hypnotic and

Hennessy. Yeah. What are you doing

right now, Omar?Playing

Double Dragon Return. What are you

wearing?A Big Daddy outfit.

Big Daddy, huhSeems pretty hot

to be wearing all them clothes.

No. I like to relax in the nude around my

place. Don't your ba*ls get hot?No.

I got a kiln going on down there if I

wear so much as a pair of jockey shorts

around the house. You need to get that

checked out. Yeah, I need the right guy

to check it. You shave downstairs?

No. No, no, man, I I don't go down there

unless that thing's cleaned up, you know

what I mean?I don't go on the field

unless it's dragged, you know what I'm

saying, brother?Nah. You like like the

fellas, Omar?Nah, oh my

God, I like women. You ever been with a

guy with a prosthetic limb?

You ever been with a b*llet in between

your head?I'll tap on the door three

times, you just back your a*s up against

the mail slot. And don't say nothing for

about 20 minutes.

Mm-hmmAll righty. You keep thinking that.

Put a little margarine around that thing.

I don't want to chafe. Hold on.

Hey, man, this is sick on the phone. Who

is this guy?Can he play hoop?Hey, don't

call that number, dude. Does he like the

gents?Hell yeah, man. This some old bull

I thought this was some real NBA . How

about a little h*nky sandwich?Pull an

Oreo on me. I ain't picky.

Catering. Charles, may I help you?Hi,

Charles. Um, is there anyone I could talk

to just about some cooking questions?I'm

a little bit lost. OK,

you can talk to me. I might be able to

help. Oh, gosh. Thank you. I'm.

I've been telling my boyfriend that I can

cook, and I'm supposed to cook for him

tonight, and I'm just a little lost with

some things. Rock'n'roll. OK,

we're going to work this out. Tell me

what you're going to tell me what you.

you want to do. Thank you so much. I just

want to be able to make a simple dish,

like something-- what's the sexiest meat?

You know, meat's not anything, really.

What's going on here is the sauce

that you put on the meat. That's really

what makes it happen. This is an

important night. This is the night I'm

going to lose my a**l virginity.

Oh, oh, oh, okay. Whoa. Slow down.

Slow down. You know what?I'm going to be

really serious here now. I'm curious for

a minute. Cooking is a really involved

thing. So is a**l

Yeah. So what food

do you think goes good with asex?

With what?With took

asex. You know what?

I'm African-American. Yeah. And a

lot of that. Oh, you don't do that.

Well, it's yeah, it's not culturally

in my thing. I'm Jewish

and I just want to get my bum filled. You

know, that's like the first

instinct. But

I thought that you, like African

Americans, you're supposed to like

booties and back that thing up

and I'm surprised. Oh, that's

probably something. On

television. You grew up in a no a**l

zone. I think, yeah, I think I can

honestly say that. I've had

relationships with white women, so now I

do know about it. How would you compare

sex with a white woman and sex with a

black woman?

HmmI guess in terms of what we're talking

about right now, white

women, they like to be

spanked. Yeah, well, that's true. And

I've actually had a

sexual relationship with a white woman

where that was actually the case. Well,

what about brisket?Yeah, and that's what

I'm saying. If you put brisket, you need

to put it in the oven and you

need to, um, bake it.

And we cook them at about 350

degrees for about two hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeahListen, listen, listen

This is getting boring. I'm gonna go to

the market and buy a chicken, bend over,

and just pray for mercy. Okay.

Sayonara. Uh-huh, nice talking to you.

Hi, is this the Oregon Museum?Yes, it is.

Hi, my name is Drew.

I'm a substitute teacher at Beaverton.

Okay. This is my first week,

and there's a

scheduledField

trip. And I'm supposed to pick a place

because the place we're going is closed.

What do you guys got?I mean, how much

time can I waste there?Like 4

hours?Is that?Yeah, that's doable. What?

What age group are the kids?They're from

all different classes. I'm supposed to be

in charge of this thing.

These kids are these are rich

brats. They're not going to care about

like, oh, people worked in made

looms, right?Well, look over

here. That's a coal mine. You know,

they don't care. You know, we've got a

technology hall that's pretty cool with a

big computer lab, lots of computers and

stuff. So that that can keep kids busy.

Any hot girls that work there?Matter of

personal opinion, I guess. Point me in

the right direction. Any naked women in

the caves or something. You got caves.

Oh, we got nothing like that with, you

know, that's science. How about

this?Science.

Areolas. The science of

areolas. How does a

woman turn a hamburger into breast milk?

Science. Please play with the t*ts and

find out. Hands on.

Only teachers over here. Here is a

woman's sex organs. Show us how

it works. Please wear a

rubber. I'm sure. See if there's things

there like that. The 15 year olds would

be more entertained, I think. You and I

are the same wavelength, dude. All

right, well, I'll probably bring these

brats down there.

Can they bring lunch?Yeah, they can bring

lunch. Can I bring?Can I bring a liquid

lunch?Depends what the

liquid is, I guess. Oh, martinis and a

tumblr. Do you like them dry, my friends?

Yeah, I'm more of a dry guy myself. Me

too. There's one girl in my class. I have

a I have a countdown going to her 18th

birthday, man. Don't tell anybody I said

that. I got to keep this job for at least

three more weeks. That makes sense.

Technology Hall is supposed to be

wonderful. What's in there specifically?A

specific thing?They got

dildosI know, but

you know, yeah. That shot him up.

Sorry. SorryAll right. High five.

High five on the phone. I'm holding one

up for you. All right. I got it. I got

it. Whatever. I mean, but I'm

like, because that could get us in

trouble. But I don't care. It's not

my school. Yeah, there you go. It's Ben

Franklin's.

His name is on it. Sue him. Try

to sue a dead guy. Good luck.

All right, man. You sound pretty cool.

We'll have a good time. All right. All's

cool. All's well. Thank you so much. Sure

thing. I'm going to score big with this

one. Well, it was fun talking to you.

Dude, thank you.

All right.

Hello. My little girl was in there for a

birthday party. Uh-huhI'm I'm just

disgusted. I can't believe... I mean,

it's a kid's party, and she walk in the

door with the biggest ceramic I

have ever seen. With a what?A ceramic ,

a dildo you know, a a big .

Okay, I'm afraid she didn't get it from

here. Yes, she did. You know how that

looks. I'm on the PTA. That's terrific.

I'm a mentor. I would never put something

like that in there. What What did the

other kids make?The other kids made

things like puppies and cups and things

like that. Well, the the puppies have on

them. Maybe she just broke the off the

puppy and just and just went with that.

If you're on the PTA, I do not agree with

your language, ma'am. What'd I say?Using

terms like and things like this. Try to

tell me it was a dragon. OK,

yeah, one eyed vained dragon. That's what

it was. Ma'am. You're gonna have to tone

down because I'm not gonna take this

seriously if I don't see it. I'm sorry. I

don't mean to yell at you. You do too.

You came up just like you were like, I'm

wrong. Like we put some lewd thing in her

bag, which is just ludicrous. Well, maybe

you should check your your employees

because one of those perverts. You know

what, ma'am?There are three employees.

There's a 72 year old lady that works

here. There's a 45 year old woman that

works here. And if you're calling any of

us lewd or, you know, anything like that,

I take offense to it. You know what?You

check Granny's purse. I bet you. I bet

you Granny got a bag full of ceramic in

there. Would you like time for her?She's

right here. Hold on. Hello. Are

you in there with the kids painting

ceramic?No, no

I'm just an employee here. My little girl

came home from a birthday party there and

she walked in here with the biggest

ceramic dildo I have ever seen.

Oh, OK, so who's birthday party was this?

I don't know that little girl's name.

Have you called the parent yet and tell

them that they stuck a dildo in the bag?

No, not yet. So you call them first

before you call me and start yelling at

me about this kind of stuff. You call the

parent first. Why?Let me ask you this.

Don't ask me anything. You call the

parent and you see. No, this is

important. It's not important to me. Yes,

it is. OK. If that stuff gets in you, is

it poisonous?No.

Oh, good. This stuff is all kids

safe. This is a place for kids, run by

people that love kids. And for you to

call me up like this and verbally abuse

me. You are verbally

abusing me and a 72 year old lady for

gosh sake. This is terrible. You call

that mother's parent and if you don't

have. the wits to call that mother's

parents, then don't call me back again.

You understand that?Somebody stuck a

dildo in my girl's bag. OK, I'm sorry.

You know, it comes from us to the parent.

The parent picks it up. We certainly

don't have that type of device laying

around to stick in bags. So especially,

especially a 72-year-old woman.

Well... That's disgusting. I'm appalled

that you would say anything like that.

Well, I know what. I'm gonna call-- You

don't know anything. I'm gonna call that

little girl's parents. You do that. And

I'm gonna thank them for the best orgasm

I have ever had. That's terrific. I don't

need to hear about that. Whoo! Have a

nice day.

Yee-haw!