03x10 - Jack & Sharon Osbourne

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers, Bob Odenkirk,

Jimmy Kimmel, Lisa Kushel,

Seth McFarland, Adam Carolla, Tony

Barbieri and Tracy Morgan at

Spooney Love. Who said bye bye, little

Tootsie Roll foot boy.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloYes, hi. I'm here

calling to complain about some

children that I saw coming out of the

YMCA there, and they were up to

no good. They

were smiling and laughing,

joking and joshing around and making

japes and slapping each other on

the back. It didn't seem fair or right.

They were bouncing an orange ball. We

have a teen center here, and they were

probably the teens that were just leaving

here. They were teenagers. Exactly.

Right. And we have, we do have a teen

center here. Singing in harmony.

I'm an old man. I can't sing. I

can't bounce a ball. If you, if they was,

it's like teasing. OK, sir, I'm sure

they-- I'm sure they weren't doing it

intentionally. Yeah. As I said before, we

do have a teen center, and they were

probably just leaving from here. They

were chewing on jerk beef, which

I cannot do as a result of

my teeth aren't good enough for that no

more. Well, I told them. I

yell out, Stop it! Stop it!

OK, well, I'm sorry. They just laugh and

laugh, ha-ha-ha. We're never gonna get

old. Well, I'd like to give a lecture

down there. A lecture on what?

You're gonna get old. That's what they

call it?Yes. I'm aware of

that. They made whistling sounds in

five-part harmony. Okay.

That's just teasing. I'm sorry, sir. I I

really don't know how to, um.. And

next time you see the children making

all that hoopla, you say...

Watch it. There's old people out there.

Yes, Sir. When you're older, it's not fun

to watch people full of life. Well,

I'll make sure that. I'll make sure the

Teen Center knows about that

and. Behave themselves when they leave

our our YMCA. Young lady, you sound

just as disrespectful as these

young people were. I'm sorry, Sir. I'm

not trying to be disrespectful at all.

I'm trying to make a situation that was

disrespectful to you better. When I was

their age, OK, I used to

go down to Cobbler's Creek to fish

and I and if we caught a frog,

we ate that for dinner.

OK, OKThey weren't there smiling.

There was no laughing. There was no

singing or whistling. Sir, you want

me to tell these children not to smile or

sing just because of an old. No more

walking about with a carefree air.

Don't wave your youth in everyone's

face. OK, I will

tell the. That's all I can do, Sir, is to

tell the. I had this kid the other day,



loud mouth. In the

wheelchair, spinning around,

waving it in my face. OK. The only thing

I like, there's one fella up the way.

He's 91. I wave it in

his face every day. Look at me go. Look

at me go. Well, everybody's

got somebody to tease.

That's what keeps us all alive, I

suppose. OK, Sir. And so if

they see an older man, don't go

flaunting your youth. OK,

Sir, I will make sure to tell the white

slot to you. OK, I will tell the 13th.

Goodbye. Wasting my time.

And action. Arnold, go to your room. What

you talkin' about, mother ?Cut,

cut. Do the right thing, Arnold. Beat

that cr*cker like you mean it.

Hello. I'm calling regarding your ad and

the post. OK, you're interested in

being in a reality show. We

are putting a show together called

I Like Spike. It's 12 white people,

all living in a house, competing to be

Spike Lee's friend. Spike has

never had a white friend. And I would

love to be his friend. I saw him in

Martha's Viney one time. I made a point

to say, hey, Spike, my favorite movie

maker to him, which he at first regarded

me as maybe a fanatic fan. And then he

was like, you know, he realized I was

just a nice person and kind of was like,

how you doing?Oh, ohh that's wonderful.

You have some previous experience. So did

you have a conversation with Spike?Not

really. I don't think he would even

remember me. Right. Well, here's Spike's

thing. He thinks white people are boring.

He says when you mention, even mention

white people, he goes boring.

And we are hoping to turn him around and

in the process, hopefully turn America

around. It's like the real world with

reparations. That's excellent. That's

awesome. Do you know how to talk in a

black way?I mean, do you know the lingo

and whatnot?Absolutely. OK, go ahead.

Yo, Spike, what's up?What the hell's

going on tonight with the hip?What's

happening?I love it so far. Keep going.

OK, why don't we?Why don't we take my

whip, head down to the Lower East Side.

I know you're with your woman and

whatnot, but there's no reason you can't

be a man, dog. I love it, dog. I love the

dog at the end. Keep going. I don't want

to be saying because I'm white. Yes, you

probably shouldn't say that because he'll

k*ll you if you do. He will k*ll you

dead. Right. Tell me the five things you

like most about black people. I think I

like most about black people. Yes.

Realism. Yes. One. I

love it. I want to say observe.

Observative. Observative.

They're observative. OK.

I can see that you like black people, but

do you think Spike will like you?Yeah,

definitely. I was hoping that that would

be the guy. I was hoping that I could

pull that off just by meeting him in a

way. Right. RightI love it. I think

you're perfect for. I like Spike. Sounds

good to me. I think this could heal a lot

of wounds. I mean, I've I've heard rumors

of the fact that he was sort of r*cist,

but I mean... Yes, he hates white people.

All right, my brother, give me a little

more black talk before we go. All right,

my man. Peace out. Take it easy.

Watch out for the man. He's out there.

He's gonna bring your a*s down. Don't end

up down in the dungeon in Queensville. We

all know what that's all about. Word up,

bitchI'm Audi 5000.

Peace. All right, dog, woof, woof. Take

care. All right, dog, holla.

Hi. Are you the notary public?Yes,

I am. Hi. I am engaged to

be married. And my

fiancee's family is very

old-fashioned, very wealthy.

And before we get married,

they need proof that I am a

virgin. OK,

best thing to do would probably be have

your doctor prepare an affidavit.

So there's no way, like if I wanted

to do this in the next like couple hours,

if I could just come to you and have you

check me out and just. Sign a a piece of

paper. OK, first of all, I'm not going to

do any any exam. OK, that's

just out. If somebody were to bring me a

paper saying that they're swearing that

they performed the exam and it's intact,

that's one thing. That's fine. I can

notarize that. OK, what if I squat

over a Polaroid camera, take a

picture and bring that in?All I can

say at that point is, yeah, I saw the

picture. Because I understand why you

wouldn't want to do the exam because you

sound really uptight. But if I was just

standing next, I'd probably enjoy

doing it. No, I can't.

Legally, I cannot do an exam. What if I

sign a piece of paper with my vag*na

or I just sign my hymen and I press that

onto a piece of paper?

No. OK, well, I appreciate all your

suggestions. And then maybe I'll just,

you know what?Maybe I'll just bring in

the guy I'm sleeping with now. And he'll

just swear under oath that I'm a virgin.

And then you could sign off on that. As

long as I don't know you're sleeping with

him. I wouldn't ever let you know. All

right. Well, thanks. Bye. Bye.

Thank you for calling... Can I help you?

Yes, hi, my name is d*ck Rogers. I'd like

to make an appointment, please. Yeah,

what good do I like to be done?Uh, well,

uh, may I speak to the barber, please?

Okay, I am the barber. OK, well, that's

that's that's great. I love a Barber shop

that keeps a few girls on the payroll.

Man likes look at some pretty scenery

while he's getting a shave. I need to

make an appointment. OK. What time do you

want to come in?Let's see. I need to come

in tomorrow around 3:00 if possible for

shaving a mustache wax. OK. I have some

specifications. Can I speak to the

gentleman who will be cutting my hair?I I

do. You you cut. You cut men's hair. I

cut a lot of men's hair. That's the

craziest thing I've ever heard. Can I?

Letting a woman cut a man's hair. What's

next?Lady doctors?Astronaut chicks?You're

living in topsy turvy dreamland down the

road from Impossibleville, my friend.

Because that's my job. I have the license

for cost. What am I on Mars here?What?I'm

incredibly confused. May I please speak

to the man who cuts hair?We don't have a

man cut hair here. Oh, listen, you got to

have a man. Women don't know hair tonic

from gin and tonic. Because I used to

work for the barbershop, OK?Honey, honey,

the last time I checked, a barbershop is

a place where guys can go and be guys,

drink seltzer and have our mustaches

waxed. It's not a bridge club. OK, Do you

want to make appointment tomorrow about



Wait a second. If we don't do the good

job, we don't have to pay the money. Is

this a unisex joint?Yeah.

Well, now listen, I've been around this

shiny blue marble a few times and I never

once met a unisex person. You're an innie

or an outie. You understand?You either

got a fishing hole or a fishing pole.

See, it's franks and beans or fish Taco

capish. Thank you. See you tomorrow.

They let you have a razor.

Hello. HelloI'm calling in reference

to your ad. Neighborhood construction

crew. You, uh, you do any

drugs?Nah. Nah. I'm clean.

Clean. You ever done any time?

Have I?Yeah, I've done time. Little time.

I did seven years. Jesus

Christ. What happened?Well, we was in a

bar. I was drinking, he was drinking, and

he told me he didn't want white women.

And he got into a bar fight.

Yeah, 'cause my girlfriend was white.

What'd you do?Put a shiv in him?He had a

knife. I had a razor blade. What kind of

blade you have?Twin blade or Mach 3?

Nah, yeah, I had the the twin blade. Twin

blade. Lady Bic was my weapon of

choice. Is he all right?Yeah,

he lives. Now, what's his beef then?

Hey, you all right, guy, man. Wow. You're

like the Puerto Rican, Elmer Fudd. Oh, .

You're stoned right now, aren't you, son?

No, I'm out here. I'm out here with

my table on 96th Street and Broadway

cause I have my vendor's license. I've

been in the military. You ever deployed

anywhere?No. We was getting ready to go

to Grenada in 84. I was a name. Now that

was a w*r, son. I did three tours over

there, Michael. You're a bad man if you

did that. When I got back stateside, you

think there was a parade waiting for me?

They were protested waiting for me. They

protested me. Those limp wristed

bean counting glasses wearing fudge

packing Democrats had no

g*dd*mn respect for man who protected

their right to protest. That's right.

Only thing that made the pain go away was

chasing the dragon. Yeah, I know what

you're saying. Guy had a dragon was on a

string. He used to run with it. I'd just,

I'd be right behind him. Give me that

dragon. Some good old time.

Do any do any drugs in the joint, Mike?

No, you can't no more. No.

Damn Prop 183 did away with the

drugs and the joint. Yeah, they they tell

on you now. Now they lock you up if you

smoke a joint in the joint. I'll tell you

any of those stoolies. You want to know

what we did?Found a stoolie in Nam. Cut

his d*ck off. You're

damn right we would. Cut his nuts off.

I'd grab a fungal bat and yell turn two.

You know what I'm saying?Take in field

with a sack. That's right.

All right, so. But you'll give me a call.

Yeah, I'm going to give you. I'm going to

give you a call because I like you. All

right. All rightYou take care of that,

Johnny. All right, Mr. Bird, to be good.

Godspeed, son. All right. Godspeed.

Hello, this is Niles Standish speaking.

Can I help you?Hi. You have an ad and

paper beyond reality TV?

Yes, a reality show. Sounds

good. What's it about?The program is

called Melting Pot. You, the contestant,

will travel the world, capturing one

person from every country on the globe.

You will then shuttle them back to my

private island for a battery of unholy

experiments. OK. And are you in good

shape?Yes. Have you ever used a throw net?

No problem. Because you'll be supplied

with a dart g*n, a throw net, and a

thermos of jungle rum. OK,

different races will be worth a different

number of points based on the quality of

the race. Do me a favor and rank

from best to worst five races.

Best to worst Native

American. Next would be white.

Next would be Oriental,

then Hindu, and then black.

Tut tut. Sounds like somebody's keeping

the brothers down. Back to my vision.

My dream is to make one race that ties

all the races together. Very interesting.

They called me mad at the university.

Yeah. Your mission will be to collect the

foreigner, put them into the crate, which

will go onto the pontoon boat, and there

we will take them to my private island.

Should be very interesting. What say we

do some role-playing?I'll portray the

customs agent. You have a wild man from

Borneo in your crate. Let's begin.

Hello, Sir. Where are you traveling to?

I'm going across to the next country over

here, Thailand. All right. And what is in

the box?A friend of mine.

And what is his name?Jermaine.

Jermaine. Can we open the crate and take

a look at him?Of course. All right, we're

opening the crate. This man is dead.

Great. We're going to have to do a cavity

search. Been there. I'm taking you've

been. You've had a cavity search. A

friend of mine was smuggling stuff back

from Jamaica and got caught. Explain to

me what happened in the cavity search.

Run through it. Oh, they made me take all

my clothes off. Strip. Yes. So you

stripped. You began with your shirt,

right?Slowly. Yes. Just like. Don't

turn around. Don't you look at me. Don't

you look here. Keep taking it off and

continue. And then bend over. I had to

put my hands on the wall, my feet back.

Yes, slowly, slowly. And.

And then they made me grab my a*s and

spread my cheek. Reminds me of my first

communion. But they let me go.

And they did not bring you to orgasm.

No. OK, what's going to happen in the

next week is somebody will come up behind

you, throw a canvas sack over you, or eat

the rag over your mouth, and you will be

Shanghai. No,

Bob, we have a verbal. The

answer is no. What I'll need from you is.

You'll collect natives for my demented

plot to create a super race of

skunk apes. I thought I'd heard it all.

Hello, speaking. My name is Spooney. I

bought some shoes from your store the

other day. OK. And when I went to put

them on, there was a note inside that

said my toes look like Tootsie Rolls.

Your toes?What?Yes. I am

insulted. Not only insulted, I'm hurt.

OK. Do you remember who helped you out?

No. And you bought it out of this

location?Yes. And my son bought a pair of

shoes out of there the other day, too.

And they said that he had a note in his

shoes that said his his toes look like

Milk Duds. You know what, sir?I mean, I

really apologize for that. No, no, wait a

minute. Wait a minute. Do Tootsie Rolls

have bunions?'Cause my toes do.

And that's some wack-a*s crap right

there. Can you describe the person that

was helping you?Asian male.

Okay. I woke up the other day, my son was

trying to chew on my toes like they was

Tootsie Roll 'cause of that letter.

Yes. No, hold

on. This affected my whole family. OK,

we're definitely going to take a look

into this. OK. All the loves. And

as I left, you know what the guy said?

What did he say?He said bye bye, little

Tootsie Roll foot boy.

Started laughing. Like my toes

really look like Tootsie Rolls. You think?

Do you think that's funny?No, I don't

think that's funny. Like I said, we're

going to take a look into it. I'm not

laughing. You ever had a note in your

shoe that said your toes look like

Tootsie Rolls and Milk Duds?I don't know

how that's relevant to the situation.

Well, you know how relevant it is?When I

plant my toes in your a*s they won't feel

like no Tootsie Rolls. Oh, OK.