03x08 - Ludacris & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Hey yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real. No BS's.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Katie

Kimmel, Adam Corolla,

Alicia Kushell. Jimmy Kimble,

Tony Barbieri and David Alan Grier

as the truth.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Hello. Oh, hello there. I just

need a little help with a couple of

definitions for my project. Hi. What did

you need?There was one word I needed was

adapted. OK.

And mature.

OK. Are you ready?Yeah. All

right. Adapted. to adjust

or get comfortable

with new conditions. Okay. You have to

adapt to it. Okay. What does the word

mature mean?On a

tight schedule. Are you doing your

homework?Yeah, something like that.

Mature. It means

fully developed in body or mind.

Developed in body or mind.

That That doesn't make any sense.

Well, it means your body's developed

fully, or your mind is, like you're a

grownup or something. I know, but my dad

said I wasn't mature enough to

know I was adapted. He said

adopted. What?Did

he say adopted?No. What do you mean?

I thought he said adapted. Well, I don't

know what he said. Is he there?I'm

adopted?No.

What?Is he there?

No, he's not here. He left me by

myself. Just for the day?Oh, my

God. No wonder they're black. They just

told me it was a weird gene thing. How

old are you?I'm 12.

I'm a kid. I'm an adopted kid.

No, they didn't say that.

My whole life is a lie. I don't know

who I am now. What's your name?

I can't give my name out to strangers.

Well, I'm not a stranger. I work at the

library. What kind of thing are you

trying to pull here?I'm not pulling

anything.

Are you all right?I want to find my

mother. Well, is she just gone for the

day?I want my real mother.

Um, would you like to talk to a teenager?

Sure. Okay, just a minute.

Hello?Hello Hi. Who's

this?My name's Alex. Boy, this

is dope. What's that?I really had her

going. She believes anything. Can I

help you with anything?Yeah. You ever

give anybody a wedgie?Well, I'm gonna

hang up now. Okay.

I want to read.

Hi. You guys sell mattresses?Yes, we do.

Fantastic. I have a little bit of a

sleeping disorder. Oh, yeahA lot of bad

memories. You know, when you close your

eyes, they all come back. You ever been

to NAMM?No. In country?No.

Never been in the service?No. How

old a man are you, Jim?I'm 40 years old.

k*lled a lot younger than you. k*lled a

lot of men over there. OK. Yeah.

Funny to you. Not funny to me.

Now when I wake up in the middle of the

night covered with sweat. Right. Throwing

punches in the wind. Nice.

Yeah, nice for you, but not

nice for me. My wife wakes up and I'm

holding a crochet needle over her head.

About ready to put her out of her misery.

Not nice then, Jimbo. No, maybe she gets

separate beds. Tried that.

No good. Cut me off. Interesting.

Man, can't go but so long

without some boontang. You know what I'm

saying?Oh, I know that. Back when I was

in country, we used to get that around

every corner. Couple of bucks.

Little sucky Effie. Nice.

NiceNice for you. But not nice for the

Vietnamese wh*re I knocked up. Things

happen. Things happen for you and not for

the I k*lled over there. What's happening

for them?They're decomposing. That's

what's happening to them. Interesting.

Interesting for you. Not

interesting for the brothers I left

behind. No, that's sad.

Sad for you. Sad for all of

us. Sad for all of us. But I think you

got me on that one. All right, So what do

you guys got?California King over there?

Got it all. You got them motorized beds?

Sure. What's the how many pounds can that

lift?Because my, like I said, my wife,

she ain't no fly weight. Good. 300 lbs.



All right, then we have to think of

something else. She has a disability, you

know?OK. It's a thyroid disorder.

Interesting. Interesting for you.

Not interesting for the team of doctors

who've been trying to solve that fat

Riddle for over 20 years.

For you. But not for me. No.

When I'm going downstairs. You know what

I'm saying?That's scary. Yeah. Scary for

you. Not for me. Scary for me. Oh, wait a

minute. Yeah. You turn that one around on

me, buddy. You got it. Caught me off

guard. I like the cut of your jib, buddy.

Yeah. YeahCome on down. I'll buy you a

beer. Let's go out. You seem like good

people. I am good people. Good people for

you. That's right. I'll be the guy who's

pulling up in the Ford F-250 with the

God's Guts and g*ns bumper sticker.

Loving it. Got the Uncle Henry a hygge

horn. Tilt some cold ones. Finish you

off with a reach around. No way now.

Good for you. I don't think so.

Well, good for me. That's right. Not good

for the carpet. No way.

All right, come on now. Hit it. Hit

it. Now.

Ohh

Hello. Hi, is in?

That's me. Hi, uh, I am

looking to get a video edited. Are you

the guy to talk to?Sure. It's very

raw footage that I want cut down into

kind of an intense love story.

So what you're trying to do now is make a

like a short movie?Sure, yeah.

It's kind of like an educational love

story type short film. Yes. Now, do you

do special effects?The answer would

be yes. But what type of special effects

are you talking about?I would like a

rainbow to come out of my craw when my

thong comes off and maybe have some

angelic music under it. OK, that that

is something that would run. We're

talking into the thousands of dollars now

rather than in the hundreds, right?Do you

have any suggestions?If I wanted to use

this for a sex Ed class and I don't want

it to be filthy, I just want it to be

naughty. If you're trying to be

legitimate, this show this to high school

students, you cannot be naughty, right?

It's actually for 6th graders, so there

are 11. And my goal is for them to learn,

but also, you know, to be rock hard.

Well, for a 6th grader, you would be have

to be told way, way down from what you

just told me. OK. And then another

question. You know that announcer that

like for every preview goes in a world

where there's no tomorrow, that kind of

thing. Because I'm looking for a voice,

but I want it to just start in a vag*na.

Can you do that voice for me?Well, I

can't do it because my voice doesn't

sound like that. My voice sounds very

g*y. So that would be no, you don't sound

g*y. OK, you sound a little g*y. Do you?

OK, well, maybe I'll just have you do it

in your g*y announcer voice. And that

could be kind of funny. Well, whatever.

You want my g*y voice?You can have it. I

like it. So here's what we're going to

do. I'm going to call you back. I'm going

to use your g*y announcer voice. We're

going to have a rainbow coming out of my

hoo-ha. And then I'm going to have you

dressed up as the pizza delivery guy. And

then you'll just turn into my boyfriend

and I'll start going at it. OK.

OKThanks. I'll call you back. Bye. God

bless

now. Oh! Oh,

my ba*ls!

Get off me, a little b*stard

You're not my son! Take this, bad boy!

Oh! I hate you!

I hate you! It's

good!

Hi, Michael Strahan, please. Who's this?

Hi, this is Terrence Catheter. I'm

calling about a new commercial

endorsement. Okay, okayHow are you?Oh,

good. How you doing?I'm doing good. I'm

here working at the house, got my hands

full. Actually, this could be good

because I know how expensive these home

remodels are, and, um..

We're interested in talking to you about

being the spokesman, the face of

Fat-tastic. Fat Tastic is

like a sports drink for guys that don't

care about their bodies. It would be you

and other heavy celebrities

like Star Jones, Louie Anderson,

Dom Delouise. You're all sort of dancing

around and drinking, embracing your

obesity. Yeah, I got you. So

you would represent the Americans who are

chubby, happy, lazy, laying around on the

couch. I mean, the only crunches they do

are Nestle's crunches. And we just

think you would be the perfect fatty for

our campaign. Don't call Star Jones or

anybody else and say, well, you'd be the

hell of a perfect fatty for this

campaign. Well, we think it's a

compliment. And Rosie took it as a

compliment, by the way, you know?Just

like she is a hero to huge, sloppy women,

you'd be a hero to all the big, sloppy,

overweight, fatty guys out

there. This This sounds excellent, man. I

mean, if you want, I can turn right back

around, go home, eat about



on about 75 lbs for you. You are fat

enough. You are perfectly fat for us. I

mean, we love your belly. We like that

big belly. That's what we want to see.

That's America. That is not necessary.

Our research shows a lot of people

already confuse you with Fat Albert.

I'm gonna put a foot in your assWell, if

you don't want to do this, we're just

gonna have to give it to Refrigerator

Perry. Do you have his number?I wish I

did. I think I ate it. Okay, thank you,

Michael. All right, take care. Take care.

Hello, this is Niles Standish. Who am I

speaking with?I'm looking for Louise.

Yes. Who am I speaking to?My name's .

And this is this is regarding?It's

of a personal matter, actually. You can

tell me. It's all right.

Match.com, actually. All right. Just a

moment. I'm going to put you on with

Louise. Hello. Hello

Hi. Hi, Louise. How are you?I'm good. How

are you?That's quite an interesting

introduction I just received from Niles.

What's that all about?I guess you could

call Niles like my godfather, kind of.

Wow. OK, great. All right. Now, let me

ask you this. Are you fit?Niles,

you can listen to this conversation, huh

Just. Please continue speaking to Louise.

Well, yeah, I have a very good body.

Niles, I think you're being a little

inappropriate. You think that's

inappropriate?Look at this. Oh, God. And

look at this. And look at this. I don't

need to see that. I don't need to see

that. Is that inappropriate?It is. If

you're my caretaker. I think it's just

the way God made me. Well, I don't want

to see it. What about this?Is this

inappropriate?Oh, God, what is that?

I just had it done. All right, continue.

It's horrible. Yeah. This is why

it's so hard to meet people. Well, why do

you have someone else on the phone with

you when you make phone calls?I don't

have a choice. Listen, we have to make

sure your profile checks out if you're

planning on removing my God, Charles

Hyman forever. So whatever you're doing

on the other end of the phone, that's

appropriate behavior. I believe it is.

What about this, Louise?What about this?

Put it away, Niles. No, no, that's not

what you think. This is what you think.

Cavendish, get in here. Help me with

this. Louise, is this inappropriate?What

if I hold this to your thigh?Oh, God, go.

Leave me alone. Or slop this in your

hair. Or slop this in your hair. Put put

your clothes on. Oh, these are clothes.

Yeah, I think I really like you.

Do you like me?You sound really

sexy. I do. She's not as sexy

as this. Are you as sexy as this?How

about this?Are you as sexy as this?No.

Miles, you're like my dad.

Well, that's what you get for starting

the morning off with an apple martini up,

man. Tell Louise what you're into.

You into a**l Louise?Am I into

a**l Niles?Is this into a**l

What is that?That's a fluorescent light

bulb tube. What do you think of that?How

about this?Look at that. It's a car. It's

a bicycle horn. Oh, my God.

How on earth did you get in there,

Cavendish?Louise. I mean, if you want to

give me a call another time, like some

form of base of reality, then that's

fine. Otherwise, I'm going to jump

off here, OK?No, don't go. Don't go.

Well, you're in good hands with Uncle

Cavendick over there. All right. This.

It's been lovely speaking to you. Let me.

Can I ask you one question?He asked me

several. Is this inappropriate?

Is this inappropriate?Is it telling me?Is

this inappropriate?Oh,

shut up, Nile. Come get me. All right.

You know, this has been a very, you know,

lovely trip into the bizarro world. Do

you have a thumb in your anusTell me you

have a thumb in your anusLouise, it's

nice chatting with you. Why don't you

send me some e-mail pictures?I will. I

love you. Wash that thumb.

And I suppose this is inappropriate, too.

Honestly, Louise, you're no fun at all.

Hello, my name is Landelius Truefell.

I'm calling about your square dancing.

I'd like to call some square dancers. Are

you looking for anybody to do some dance

calling?You're a caller?Yes, I am.

How long have you been calling dancers?

Oh, four or five years. Now, can

you just, can I hear any of your rhymes?

Or, you know, when you call, can you just

give me a little taste?Just a little

taste, because I know it must be nice,

you know?Well, I do mostly

singing calls. Let me hear something. I'd

love to hear anything that you could

just. Well, I got one. It goes

like this. You do an allemander

left and allemander are Five or two make

your star men back in the middle with a

back up thigh her. sh**t that starry

fool, turn right to the partner, pull my

left allemander can't weave that ring.

Let me go. Now swing your partner

round and round, slip her a*s like an old

greyhound. Twin diamonds, easy dooce it,

damn your homegirl butt look juicy. Boom,

sha, ga like a doo, don't sit doe, you

ain't no fool. Uh, uh, yeah,Nah!

You know, stuff like, just funky, man.

Well now you're calling some press calls

in there. You use

acey deucey there, and then long ago you

used Load the Boat. There you go, okay,

all right. You know the difference

between plus and and

mainstream?Well here's where my

head is at. Kind of what I'm trying to do

is I'm trying to make square

dance callingAn art form, cause I

believe that's what it is. So in other

words, taking your flavor, what y'all are

doing, I'm trying to give these

dancers some sauce that they can't live

without. You understand what I'm saying?

Well, here, let me give you a number and

you can call him. He's my buddy and his

name is Rick Simpson. RICK. Rick

Simpson. Rick Simpson. All right. He

would love probably what you're doing.

He's younger than I am. Yeah. If you got

time, give him a call. He's going to a

dance. Tonight up in Habersham County.

And we'll if you'll

come by, we'll put you up and let you

call a little bit. Oh, man. You know,

'cause if I got on there, you know, I'd

get your partner on the knees. Tell that

whole on these.

Suck my fingers. Suck my toes. Get in the

assAnd work it,

work it, work it. Man, yeah. Jump on in,

man. Come on. Get on board. If you

got a turntable. Oh, you know I do, man.

You know I do. I'm just ready. You know.

What kind of turntable you got?I

have a technique right now. I got it from

my cousin, Ray Ray. You know, he play all

that rap music, you know, which I ain't

really into. But can I ask you, can I

borrow $500?The what?

Can I borrow $500?I don't have

fiber at all. All right, then. I just

wanted to ask. Anyway, OK, so thanks

so much for all this leaves here, man.

I'm going to talk to your boy, Rick. Get

back at you. All righty. All right, then.

All right, thank you. Good enough. All

right, then.

Yee-haw!

Hit it! Hit it!

Now! No!

Oh my ball!

Get off me a little b*stard

You're not my son. Pick up that boy. Ohh

I hate you. I hate you.