03x02 - Tracy Morgan & Adam Carolla

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real. No BS.

Tonight on Crank Yankers. Katie Kimmel,

Wanda Sykes, Jimmy Kimmel,

Hank Azaria, Fred Stoler,

Jack Osborne. And Jim Florentine

as Bobby Fletcher. I would have known I

would have put like Old Spice in my ba*ls

or something, you know.

Come one, come all, cuz we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your mother

wants to join the Crank Yankers tonight.

Crank Yankers!

Hello?Uh-huhI'm calling about the ad

that's in the newspaper. Hi, who's this?

My name's Jolene. Hi, Jolene. Why are you

calling?Because of the ad that is in the

newspaper. Oh, you're calling about the

ad?Yes. Which ad are you

calling about?The

receptionist position. Oh,

is this about the ad?Is your mom or

dad there, or?Yeah, they're here.

Okay, can I speak with one of them,

please?Oh, so you're calling about the ad?

Yes. The ad in the newspaper?

Yes. It was in there, huhMay I speak with

your mom or dad?Oh, which

newspaper ad are you calling about?The

receptionist ad. Okay, so

you're calling about the ad in the

newspaper. Uh-huhMm-hmm

You read it?Yeah.

And now you're calling about it?Yes.

Perfect. So what can I do for

you?Can you tell me a little bit about

the job?Which job?

Okay. Never mind. Um So I

can't talk to your mom or dad?Absolutely.

Who did you want to talk to?Your mom,

please. Or what about my dad?That

would be fine, too. Hold on.

Hello?Hello Are you calling

about the ad?Yes, I am. In the

newspaper?Okay, thank you for

your time. Bye-bye. Wait, thank you for

so much for calling about the ad.

This is Bob. Can I help you?Bob?Yes. I

was in there the other day with my kids.

Okay. And my kids were playing around in

that ball pit. Okay. And there was an old

manLying at the bottom of the ball pit.

He was doing what?He was just lying

there. Lying there. Yeah. Where?In the

ball pit. What do you mean a guy was in

there?I mean, there was an old man

inside it. Yes, at the bottom. He was

inside the ball pit. He was ba*ls deep in

the ball pit. When was this?Yesterday.

What time?Bob, I don't know. I was in

there with my kids. He we were. We were

there for a good little while. Why didn't

you come and tell me?Cause I didn't know

if I didn't know if he was a a worker or

that was part of what y'all think is fun,

but I didn't think it was fun. And my my

kid, you know, he comes running to me.

He's like, Mama, there's a there's a a a

snake in the ball pit. And I was like,

what's he talking about?Snake. So I go

and check. I was like, what the hell you

doing in in here with these kids?And he

said, oh, I was on my way to get a pack

of cigarettes and got lost. That's what

he said. Well, you know, I I I can't

believe you didn't come over and tell

him. You know, you know, like when

something happens and you're just shocked

and you don't know what to say. So I just

and my boy kept asking me like, mom, how

come he got white hairy ba*ls?And I just,

I just grabbed my son and just got the

hell out of there because I, you know, my

goodness, I wish you would have told me

something about something like that.

Well, you you better mind your ba*ls. You

got some perverts in there, baby. Yeah, I

never seen one before and never had a

complaint of anything ever to sort of.

Well, maybe some of the kids enjoy it.

You knowOh, boy. You know, I

brought my boy in there to play with some

plastic ba*ls, not some old man ba*ls.

Yeah, but listen to me. If it ever

happens again, you just

come to me right away. Please.

I will do that. Thank you. And I'll come

to you and you will clean those ba*ls,

right?Absolutely. OK. Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you.

Son of a b*tch

Hello. Drivers training. Hello. This a

driving school?Yes, it is. I'm

looking to learn how to drive. What?

Do you have your permit?No, I don't

have nothing. Don't have nothing. My

wife used to drive me around, and she

passed away. I see. Now I'm

looking to learn how to drive

myself. I'll tell you what I do.

I start all my students with

seven and a half hours. Seven

and a half hours?That's correct. That's a

long drive. Well, Well we won't do

that all in one day. 'Cause I have to go

to the bathroom. About every 20

minutes or so. Yeah.

So we'll have to pull over if we're gonna

go seven and a half hours. Yeah. Uh,

yeah, I think probably-- And we will

drive in your car?That's correct, uh-huh

And you drive me around where I

wanna go?No, you would have to learn how

to drive, and you would drive for me. I

need to go to my grandson's house.

And also, you could drive me to my

friend's house. We play

poker at the gas station. I don't

carry people around. And you give me a

car?Well, I wouldn't give you a car, but

you could use mine while we were working

on it. Okay. You're a married

lady. Well, probably

that isn't important, is it?You're

available. OK,

listen now. I I need. I need to go now.

You sound like a beautiful girl. I

appreciate that. But thank you so

much. Oh, well, we're not going today.

Let me tell you what I want to do. No.

Well, I'm gonna get my permit tomorrow.

OK, you get your

permit tomorrow. No, I'm

not. No, I'm not going to do that. I'm

all hands too. No, you'll have to get.

You'll have to get your permit on your

own. I'm going to

hang up now. Listen,

listenI can't hear you, darling. Yes, you

can hear me. I'm high here. You don't

start the nasty talk, OK?You get off this

phone and you stay off of it. I'm

looking. My wife passed away. Get off of

the phone and stay off of it. My wife

passed away. And I'm looking for driving

lessons and sex.

Yay!

Good evening. He's from Stash. Hi, my

name is David Yellow Feather. I bought

a a Dreamcatcher in your store

ohh about a month ago,

and I'm having problems with

it. If you'd like us to change it or

something similar, I haven't heard

anything about the Dreamcatchers. Yes,

dear. Let me tell you, my

dreams, ever since I bought it, have been

very disturbing. At first I was having

a recurring dream about

a fat squaw and a husk of ceremonial

corn. Where are these things

made?I'm not sure,

sir. I think I'm having a teenage girl's

dreams. I dreamt about some... Cute

boy named Luke Hanson, who I wanted

to take me to the prom or something.

Yeah, I don't understand. I I I

Well, to be honest, Sir, I don't

understand either. You you might want to

call Elaine back in the morning.

All right. You last night, dear.

Just so you know, in the dream, I

followed a deer in the dream.

He took me to a Duran Duran

concert and we were all talking about the

w*r in Grenada. No, I.

That is odd, is it not?I never

had such dreams before. You've had no

other complaints like this at all?No, No

none. I haven't seen the horny

twins in my dreams in over a month. I

I don't mean to burden you with this at

all, but I'm greatly disturbed by it.

This is really weird. I'm not sure what

to tell you. I I mean, I used to be

visited by provocative animal spirits.

The Raven, the cougar. The moose

cow. They would present their

hindquarters to me and do wonderful,

inviting gestures. No, they show up. They

just stand there. No tongues, nothing.

Are these dream catchers blessed before

you sell them?I'm unsure whether they're

blessed or not. I think that they might

be manufactured. I don't know. You think

they're manufactured?Yes. You

know, are they designed to catch,

as you would say, in your culture?

Moistened water or wet dreams.

They're designed to do that.

I'm I I don't know how to help you. I'm I

I think your questions are becoming

obscene. So I I think that maybe you need

to call. I used to dream about wolf

packs. Now all I get

is straight man, girl sex. It's terrible.

And I don't mean that in any provocative

way at all. OK. It would help me a great

deal if I could do a very quick blessing.

just to purify the dream catchers that

you have there so this doesn't happen

again.

All right.

Ohh

Dreams.

My name's Rudy. Do you have like adult

videos?Yes, we do. Which is a

good one, do you think?I don't know,

there's a whole room full of them. Could

you read one or two titles so I get

excited and, you know, on the bus ride

there?Are you trying to be smart or

something?No, I just want to know if it's

worth the bus ride. Well, if it ain't

worth the bus ride, just say the hell

where you're at. But I want to get. I'm

nervous and I want to get an adult video

and. Well, go out and f*ck your cat.

Well, I tried that. Or your grandma or

somebody. Thinking her eyeball. That's

pretty good. That's what I heard anyway.

My are the grandmothers. Yeah, your

grandmother. You know who she is?

I had her last night. Oh, yeah. What

about I was with your grandmother and I

put it in her eye. Go dig her up and do

it. I don't care. Well, I was coming with

a comeback. Don't bother me at all. I

didn't ask anything rude. I just said,

could you name me some titles?And you

said the grandmother and the eye and put

in the weenie in the eye. The weenie.

What's the weenie?That's lingo down

south, you knowYou went south for a

thing, huhYeah, I'm a southern guy, you

knowYeah, well, that's understandable

then. You know, I just wanted the thing,

and I just asked if you could read some

from the special rooms. Well, you didn't

like the titles I read, you know?You just

said stick it in your grandmother's ear.

That's a one. That's a real movie?Yeah.

Stick it in your grandmother's ear. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't mean to get hostile tonight.

There's all kinds of titles out there.

This, you know, I don't know what kind of

titles you got down South, but, you know

What about illiterate slack-jawed video

store clerks who sucked on Part 2?I

don't know. That might have happened down

South. That don't happen up here. Listen,

we got off on the wrong foot talking

about grandmothers. What about your

grandfather?Put things in his eyehole?

Hello. Mum. Yes. It's Jack.

Hi. Um, something's

happened. What?Yeah, you're

going to be really f*cking mad at me.

Well, just tell me, darling. Just tell

me. Come on. Um, it's your mum. Just

tell me. I, uh, I got arrested.

For what?I, uh, we were at, Tom

and I were at the casino and uhWe were

standing by a craps table and the dealer

was being a DickAnd I leaned over and

grabbed the dice and walked off into the

bathroom. And the cops followed me in

there. Jack. Jack. Jack. And I

was. Where are you now?I'm in custody.

And I'm sitting there. They just

appointed me. There's a lawyer. No, I'll

get you a lawyer right now. Hold on. He

wants to have a word with you. Darling.

Hold on. He just wants to have a word

with you. Who does?The lawyer just wants.

Hello, Miss Osborne. Yeah, this is

Bobby Fletcher. Bobby, who are you?

I'm a lawyer over at the Palms and I know

the security here and the cops and I

think we could straighten this out before

it gets any further. What do we have to

do, Bobby?Well, whatever you

have to do, pay. If he has to pay

something to a charity or

some big charity in Vegas,

let us do it and get him out of here. And

I just want to get him on a plane home.

OK, well, basically, I mean,

the best thing to do. I mean, if someone

can wire me 50 grand, we can

take care of this thing. No problem. That

means that they're not going to keep him

overnight. Yeah. Well, you know, look,

you shouldn't have peed on that cop.

That's the problem.

You know, I don't know how. Oh, off. This

is this joke. I hate you, Dan.

I hate you.

Jack, I'm going to k*ll you, you little

b*stard

Are you there?

Delta. Hi, this is Bobby Fletcher. Who's

this?This is Jenna. Hi, Jenna. How you

doing?Good. How are you?Good. Um,

listen. I met one of your sorority girls

last weekend and I forgot her

name, and I'm trying to get her name so I

can get in contact with her. Oh,

exciting. Yeah, well, you know. What does

she look like?She's got a cute

nose, brown hair,

really big cans.

Um, really?Her name began with a J too.

This isn't you, is it?You sound familiar.

No, this for sure isn't me. I just need a

Bobby Fletcher. Hold on one second. Hey,

girl, whose name starts

with AJ and has big boobs with brown hair

in our house?

That's what I said. But Jack doesn't

really have that big a boob did she?No,

I said. I don't think it was me.

Are you dirty in the sack?Because she was

really filthy. What?What kind of body

type does she have?It was hot. She had a.

Her stomach was like as flat as a 12 year

old boy. OK, that's for sure. Jackie. It

was Jackie. Yeah. You want to leave your

number and I'll have her call you back.

But she's got big cans, though. What?

Well, maybe. Maybe she was just wearing

an outfit that flattered her cans. No,

but I mean, I I mean, I had a brow off

and everything. Shut up. Who is it?So

we hope she stayed over for the night. We

hooked up. You are. Is this a f*cking

Yeah. I mean, I didn't get laid for like

a month. It went off like a fire hose. I

had to take a raft home. Hold on.

I mean, anyhow, sorority house is going

to have a brown haired girl with big cans

that'll spend the night somewhere. So you

can just call and be like, her name

starts with a T. No, I got the number and

I lost it. And she told me it's sorority.

So I got the number and I wanted to call,

but I don't remember her name. I bet. I

bet you it's downtown Jackie Brown.

Really. Yeah. Um, the only thing I can

do, Hon, because she's not here, is take

down your number and have her call you

back. I guess that'll be good. Yeah. I

mean, that'd be fine. Are you guys having

another party or something like that?I'd

love to bring my friends from the Jiffy

Lube down, you know?Are we having another

party?Are you guys gonna have a party or

something like that?Um, we're supposed to

be a dry house. All right, well, we'll

just smoke pot then.

I'm actually trying to track it down

because she was really cool. I mean, I'd

definitely consider nailing her again,

you knowShut up. I'm serious.

I didn't even know I was going to meet

someone special at night. If I would have

known, I would have put like Old Spice in

my ba*ls or something, you knowUm, stop.

You're out of control. She had a peace

sign shaved in her Bush. Does that ring a

bell?Oh, yeah, really.

I'll go around and I'll check the girls'

bushes and see who has a peace sign

shaved in their Bush, and then I'll check

her down. I mean, since we all shower

together and everything. Well, I'm just

looking for the girl that I hooked up

with. You know, I just wish all the

sorority girls would lose like her.

Right. RightYou know what I mean?That'd

be nice. I'm sure. I'm sure. Maybe

just hang out at Starbucks for the next

couple days and you'll run into her. If

you don't tell me, I'm going to have to

do some DNA testing on my. Bye. Bye.

That nun is riding

the segway

to heaven

Yee-haw!