03x01 - Ludacris & Drew Carey

[bunniefuu]

Hey, yo, the crank calls on this show is

for real, no BS.

Tonight on Crank Gankers. Tony

Barbieri, Sarah Silverman,

Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Corolla.

Tracy Morgan, Jim Florentine

and Eminem as Special

Lim.

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yeagers

tonight?

Hello. Yes, I'm calling about your admin

paper. Which ad?The receptionist. And

your phone number?



Go ahead



and your name

and your

number.

Please your phone

number, ma'am. And your name?Dina. And I

need your phone number please. I just

gave you my phone number. I need the full

the full phone number, Dina, please. 563.

Mm-hmmA-B-B-B-B-B-B-B.

Yes. 84. B-B-B-B-B.

All right. And you called about the

receptionist job?I called about the

receptionist job. All right. And when

when is your availability?When could you

start?What is the name of your company?

It's B-B-B-B-B-B Enterprises.

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand you.

This is Dina. This is Dina. And you're

calling about the receptionist job.

Receptionist job. Your name is

Dina. Dina. All right. And I need a phone

number, please. 563.

Mm-hmmContinue.

And your name is Dina. Correct. Can you

spell that for me?D-I-N-A. Mm-hmmAnd your

phone number, please?563.

You're calling about the receptionist's

job?Correct. And what is the name of your

company?It's

ABBBBBBB Enterprises. Can I hear you say,

Thank you for calling ABBBBBBBB

Enterprises?It's

a real person. I mean, it was a weird

time. I kept receiving my name and

number. I had no idea what the you're

calling. What do you do that for?Hello?

Hello And what is your name, love?Yeah,

my name's Tom. Hello, Tom.

What can I do for you today?I want to

know your problem. I'm sorry. I want to

know what your problem is. And you're

interested in the job?Not

any kind of job you have. You called

about the receptionist's job. What's your

phone number?Yes, you called me. What's

your phone number?My phone number

is 702.

Beep,

beep, beep. You call

my house again, I'm going to call the

police. No police. No police. I can't

have a police. Listen to me, Tom. Listen

to me well, all right?What?Let's talk.

Let's talk Turkey. Let's talk salary.

What's the name of your company?The name

of the company is

Enterprises. Now, what's

Enterprises?We handle a lot of mutual

funds, a lot of financial investments, a

lot of

issues and.

Not so

much. We make stock tickers.

And what's the address of your company?We

are located on Maryland Parkway. OK, you

know what?Are

we

on the

same page?I'm gonna hang up. You call my

house again. I'm calling.

Let

me.

Hi. Um.. I need to

talk to a customer service person, or can

I just talk to you, or... Sure. I bought

a handbag there. Uh-huhUm.. A

Desmo. Right. And I had

no idea that it was a l*sbian purse.

And my fiance's sister, who's a l*sbian,

pointed that out, and now he broke off

the wedding, and... I

am irate, to say the least. You know, I'd

like to exchange with this

bag for a more of a non-l*sbian

handbag. I'd like the l*sbian who sold it

to me to be fired. Well, I mean,

when did you get the purse?I bought it

Thursday. Okay. You want to return the

purse?Yes, I would like to return the

purse. I'd like to get a heterosexual

purse. Which lesbo bag did you get?

The lesbo one. I have not-- I should have

figured when it was Desmo. Desmo sounds

like a deef person saying lesbo

Desmo! It's a Des-- I know what a Desmo

bag is. Great. Okay, you know,

let me get your name and phone number,

and I'm gonna have the manager call you

back. Hadassah

the l*sbian Guberman. I'm

sorry?I should have known when the sales

girl kissed me on the lips that this was

not gonna be something for me.

And do you know who sold you the purse?

Her name was Steve. We don't even have a

Steve that works here. Well, I just think

it's funny, now all of a sudden you want

my phone number. I mean, it's just

like... I'm not that way. We

don't even have a Steve that works here.

She looked like a Steve. I don't know

what her real name was. Okay,

and your phone number?Are you hitting on

me?Ohh No, I am not hitting on you.

You're calling about a pursethat

you want to return, and we'd be happy

to, if you want to send it back to us,

we'll refund it on your credit card.

Yeah, yeah I would like to return it. I'd

like to exchange it, but I need a

handbag. I don't want to be without a

handbag. I don't want to have to wait

until Monday for your manager to call. A

handbag is like a vag*na. It's

personal. It's a part of me. I keep

things in it. Actually, I have

a store full of people right now, so can

I call you back?

Hello?My fiance thinks that that

that's why I never gave a moral sex is

because I'm a l*sbian. It's like, how do

you tell somebody I'm not g*y?I just--

you just have a really ugly p*nis.

Okay, um.. Scary. Okay, um,

I'm gonna have to hang up here. Okay?I'm

sorry.

Thank you for calling Tuxedo Shop. This

is Mary Ann. How can I help you?I'm

calling about a tuxedo to

rent. Okay. Did you... What was your

special event?I want to rent it for my

brother, Charlie. Okay. Well,

our prices start at $49.95 and then

gradually go up depending on the type of

tuxedo. Something snazzy.

OK. Yeah, my brother Charlie,

he's a beautiful man. Oh,

I'm. We're looking to rent him a tuxedo

for his funeral. OK,

well, if you'd like to go ahead and get

his measurements and then call. What I'd

like to do is get him into

this here tuxedo

before we bury him. OK, yeah,

I don't. I really think I can rent you a

tuxedo. I'm sorry. If you'd like to come

in and buy one... It's cheaper to rent

them, right?Uh, not

for all eternity, it wouldn't be. Yeah,

yeah we couldn't rent you one and then

have you bury him with it on. You're not

gonna live forever. Why own?

You can't take it with you. I wanna

rent it and then

never give it back. Yeah, that's not

gonna work, I'm sorry. How come?

Well, if you rent it, then you have to

return it. And not only that, but I'm not

exactly sure that my boss would be real

pleased with me if I rented one to

someone that wanted to put it on a...

I'll bring it back then. Oh, wink,

wink.

No, I'm sorry, sir. If you would like to

come in and buy one... And I want the

finest tuxedo you got there. Um,

sir, I'm sorry, but I... The top of the

line. Nothing's too good for my

brother Charlie. Okay, and you know, I

understand-- He died of a broken heart.

Okay, well, I can I can sell you one. He

was hit by a Cadillac convertible,

too. Okay, well, I can

I can sell you a tuxedo, sir, but I won't

be able to rent. My brother was a

ventriloquist in his day. He had a

dummy, and his name

was Little Charlie. Okay, so--

And they did an act together on

Vaudeville. Called

Charlie and Little Charlie, they were.

best comedy team in the

world. Sir, I can't help you. I'm

sorry. I can't... I miss my brother.

Help me, Miriam. I'm sorry, sir,

but I can't. Darling, Charlie said to

me before he died, Rent.

Rent. Always rent.

My brother Charlie's last wish

was to be buried in a

tuxedo. Okay, well, we can't

rent you in a tuxedo if you're going to

bury the person in it. You could,

darling. You could do it. Uh, sir, uh, I

actually have to go now. Uh, I'm sorry.

Okay, darling, I have to go, too, 'cause

my colostomy bag is full.

Bye-bye. I'm gonna get

you a tuxedo, Charlie, and we're

never gonna give it back.

Good evening, it's a great This is . How

may I help you?You're You're a

salesperson, aren't you?I'm a sales

associate. Mm-hmmYeah, ladies, all

right, selling jewelry, flowers, and, you

know,Yeah, not

not for selling the trucks. OK, but I can

help you. This is a job for a guy or a

lesbo not a young sweet flower like

yourself. OK, I'm sorry. You a single,

single gown?I am. I'm a widower

myself. Are you?Yeah. For a long

time. What do you look like?Well, if I

set an appointment for you, you'll know.

Oh, you'll know. You'll you'll know me. I

know you. Salt and pepper hair. Clef

in the chin. You could hold a piece of

toast in. Oh, quit. Oh, yeah.

Sharp glasses. Yeah. And I can handle

just about any load, you big gal. Yeah,

that's what I like. Oh, really?We get

over there. I come by, we take a test

ride, right?RightAll right. Maybe we head

up to the lake, watch the submarine

races. You know what I'm saying?There's a

reason I like a pickup truck over a

sedan. You know what that reason is?It's

got a bed attached to it. You know what

I'm saying?I'll put my

futon back there and get busy. OK?

Oh, believe me, I'll go. I'll give you a

little something. I call the velvet

buzzsaw. Oh, really?Oh, man.

You never seen anything like it. OK.

Say hello to little Bircham. He's lonely.

So let me make an appointment for you.

All right. To come in. Yeah. How

about we make an appointment for me to in

your underpants?Oh, now stop. You know

you like it. How about for the truck?Come

on. I'm a chubby chaser. I'll go down on

your right. OK. I don't got any pride.

OK. I'll get down there. I'll be down

there for an hour and then some. OK. You

know, you won't know what hits you. Your

eyeballs will be spinning around like a

slot machine. All right. We'll be doing

something that rhymes with truck. You

know what I'm saying, Mama?Oh, yeah. OK.

So seriously, can I make an appointment

for you to come in?Yeah, sure. Like

Monday. You're going to be there, right?

Monday. I will. All right. So what do you

look like?What can I look for?I'm

Mexican. Mexican. See. Uh,

like my little burrito. Gonna dip my

chimichanga in your guacamole. OK. You

know what I'm saying?I'll bust you open

like a pinata with my flesh stick. Now,

why would I want that?Oh, so I can get

it. That sweet, sweet candy. OK. Because

I bet you're just chock full of rassles.

OK. Oh, yeah. May I have your

number?No. Why's that?Tired.

Why's that?I gotta be honest with you.

I've been beaten off the whole time and I

finished. Okay. Yeah, so I I got a

mop-up. Okay. All right.

That's disgusting. Yes, it is. Mm-hmm

Thank you.

Thank you for calling speaking. Yes, my

name is Spoon Love, and I'm I'm seeking

reservations for me and my wife tonight

at your restaurant. And what's the first

name?Spoon. Spoon. Okay. We

had our first date at your restaurant.

Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, this is our

five year anniversary. I have a like a

special request. Is that possible?Sure.

Could you put a bottle of Chantel on ice

in the bathroom?In the bathroom?Yeah,

like put some ice in the sink in the

bathroom. OK. Please hold. Just give me

one second. OK.

Hi, this is Eric. How can I help you?Yes,

we just made some arrangements, which is

maybe some rose petals in the bathroom.

Rose petals in the bathroom. Yeah, this

is our five year anniversary. I don't

think that's going to work for us. Well,

with me and my wife, doing anything in

the bathroom is not going to work for us.

Well, your bathroom is the 1st place

me and my wife may love. She rocks spoon

world. Woo. Make your head blow off.

Well, unfortunately we should have seen

it. We had like 2 guys we're watching.

Yeah, that's great. But unfortunately

that unfortunately we we we stuck up, we

stuck up the bathroom that night. Yeah,

that aroma was in the air. Smelled like

grown sex. That's great. Glad to

hear it. That's not going to happen here

tonight. Have you ever made love to a

woman in that those bathrooms?Frankly,

that's that's none of your business.

That's neither. That's neither here nor

there. Well, let me tell you something,

man. It was pure glory when I cracked

them cheeks. We could be happy to take a

dinner reservation for you. We're not

going to. Make any kind of special

arrangements in our restrooms. Could you

just do me one favor?What's that?Why

don't you have a guy take a crap in the

stall next to us while we do it?Sir, your

your reservation is for. Could you just

make sure like the toilets are clean in

case like one of my ba*ls fall in. Sir.

Yeah. Last name Spoon. Party of two,



want to do it in the bathroom.

Unfortunately, Sir, I'm not gonna. I'm

not the least been interested in in in

continuing this conversation on that

level. Any special requests taking place

in my restrooms is just completely

inappropriate. All right, then what if I

just your a*s in the coat room?Absolutely

not. That is the end of this

conversation. Good night.

Hi, is this a bowling alley?Listen, I got

a little problem here. I'm watching my

son tonight and he's a special kid.

And you know what I mean by that, right?

And he's here with his friend M and

they're both special kids. And I wanted

to take them bowling, but they're scared

to go because apparently they took a

field trip with their center there. A few

years ago, and they were scared of the

noise and the pins and all that. Would

you mind getting on the phone with them

on the speaker phone and just tell them

that there's nothing to be worried about?

No. OK, hold on a second. Guys, this is

the guy. What's your name?My name's Jim.

Jim. This is Jim from the bowling alley.

Hi, guys. I'm

scared. Me too. You guys. Me and my

friend Em. Well, let

me tell you.

Hey, guys, we do. He's crying right now.

OK, guys, listen up here. Bowling's not

gonna hurt you, but this is also going to

be the last time you can bowl here cause

we're being forced out of business. So

the bowling alley closes. You're closing.

Yeah, you're closing. Ed, Ed, Ed.

That's not nice that they're closing. We

can't go. But tell them that you're gonna

be open and tell them what they can do

tonight. All the fun things they can do.

Please come out. You can bowl. You can

play games. We got video games. I like

video games. I like them. I like

them. Can I light a fire there?No, you

can't light a fire here.

Edwin, we don't light fires anymore. You

know that. Now stop that. You have

sodas, lady. It's not a lady. It's a

gentleman. Ed. We have soda pop. I

like pop. I I did pop. So

you like that?Can we eat beer?No,

no, noEm, you can't drink beer. Do you

remember what happened the last time you

drank beer?Can my friend have beer?

No, he can't. He can't have beer. I can

drink a little bit. My Mama said he he

gonna give me some. No, no, that's how

you wound up like this. You know, you can

drink root beer. You remember we drank

root beer and you enjoyed it. No, we want

beer. No, noJim, Jim,

Jim, Jim. Just could I can we make a

reservation or something like that?OK,

we'll be all right. We won't have to wait

too long because these kids, sometimes

they get crazy. They'll, you know, they

take off their clothes, they they'll

masturbate. I mean, in public it gets

crazy. Hey, Jim, can I grab your ba*ls?

Stop that, Ed. Stop that. I told you. Can

I grab your ba*ls, lady?You can't grab.

It's not a lady. OK, so, Jim, we're going

to be by there in just a little bit. OK.

I'll look for you. Bill, get my swerve

on. Yeah, you'll get your swerve on. It's

going to be fun. And just don't. I will

too. I'm going to k*ll my momma. I'm

going to k*ll my daddy.

I'm going to come down there. I'm going

to give me some. Three strikes. Make a

Turkey, lady.