01x08 - Kevin Nealon & Super Dave Osborne

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

Cross by Charles speaking. How may I help

you?Yes, the Vill-- Is this the Village

Voice?Mm-hmmYes, Yes I would like to

place a personal ad. What would you

like to say on your ad?I I like to

say I'm well endowed player.

Well endowed, of course.

Thirty-one.

Seeks dirty hole to sip Chris Dow. Repeat

that. Seeks dirty hole to sip Chris Dow

and have her a*s sew up. Dirty

hole to sip

Chris Dow and have her a*s teared

up. Her a*s cheered up.

Yeah, yeah

This is too raunchy even though. Oh yeah,

this is straight hip hop. This is how

females in hip hop like it. They like to

be told. This is how we communicate.

Baby's got to keep it real than a mofo

as I roll up deep in her stays.

Deep in her stays or crevassed.

Serious inquiries only.

OK, this ad cannot go under the men

seeking women category and you'd have to

change your wording. You can't seek a

dirty hole. Instead of saying deep into

her crevice, what can I say?One moment.

How about this?I I have something totally

different than a totally different ad.

Dear Hizzo's, whichever.

No hizzo's, no hizzo's, no holes. Instead

of hizzo's can I put Liz 80s?Liz



with the nizzy.

Plizzy. Give fizzy

me a sizzle.

Sizzlely. This is ours. No.

Why not?I think that's fly. OK, let's

keep it simple then. Only only hotties

need a ply. Must like long walks on the

beach. Nice in front of the fireplace is

sushi. Shouldn't

steal my stuff.

I like my women hairy.

Must have t*tties in the badonkadonk butt

And I don't like dirty assGot to have a

clean assYou obviously have you read

all personals?Yeah, I'm just putting my

personal. This is what I want. And and

the last but not least, got to have

strong legs, especially at the knees.

Going to spend a lot of time on the

knees. You cannot place a

graphic ad. What about the dadonkadonk

buttNo, you can't put

badonkadonk. What about must have

back?You can say that. Must have

back. Must have back.

What's next?Don't steal my stuff.

And then after that, I like him hairy as

hell. Could you just read that back to me?

You have only hotties need applying. Got

to have strong legs. Must have back.

Don't steal my stuff. I like a lot of

hair everywhere. Nice, nice, niceOh,

one more thing. I like stretch

marks. Must have a C-section scar. I

can't put that on your green and you

can't put that in print. Oh, one more

thing then. Uh, got to love to hump.

Nope. Look, I got got to love to bone.

Nope. You know what AC ring is?No,

that's not going in your ad either. Must

buy me a c*ck ring. Cannot buy you

anything in your ad. No. What about this?

I want to bust a double horizontal on

your assNo. OK.

OK, take care. I'll holler at you,

Sheryl. Bye-bye. I love you. I love you.

Don't never change, baby. Yo, don't

change. Sheryl, don't change. Man, don't

get off the phone. Can I just speak to

you for one more minute?Don't change. I

love you, girl. I wish I could meet you.

That's very nice. Could I meet you?Bless

you. Yo, baby, could I meet you?Sounds

sexy.

Hello. Is this Faith?

Yes. How may I help you?I came home last

night and I found my wife in bed

with a pool man. And I

don't know if it's an affair or if they

were just talking or what's going on. You

got to tell me. Every day I come home,

she's with someone else and then I I

say what's going on?She said you you

weren't here and we're just talking and I

don't believe it. Can you help me?Well,

when you say in bed. What do you

mean?Are they under the covers and not

wearing anything?Yes. Well,

common sense does have a certain power.

Are you going to tell me what I think

you're going to tell me?No, I am

going to leave you to your intuition,

but I am going to help you learn how to

handle this emotion. My wife won't talk

to me because she says she talks to all

these men and she's talked out. OK, you

need to learn how to turn around.

And look at where you are right now.

I'll tell you what I did. I beat the hell

out of that pool man. And I shouldn't

have because he was the best. I can't

stop crying. I'm not asking you to stop

crying. Oh, it's good to get it out,

isn't it?You know, You know what I did?I

came upstairs. His pool equipment was all

over the g*dd*mn house. I

tripped on the skimmer going upstairs.

How does that make somebody feel?What do

you think you should do about the pool

man?I already did it. He's in the

hospital. But now where do I get another

pool, man?That's the problem. This guy

was great. I wouldn't worry about

your pool. I I was out of my mind. And

then I realized, you know what?I realized

you're so right. Because now that he's in

the hospital, I don't know how much

chlorine to add. I don't know the pH

levels. I don't know anything about

cleaning a pool. Where do you

think this is going to end?I don't know.

I just feel so bad. I love my wife and

trusted her so much, but she's just, she

does this every, every

day. Get a lawyer. I had a lawyer and he

slept with my wife. How does that make me

feel?Who am I going to sue then?I

beat the crap out of him, too. And he

tried to sue me, but he didn't make it.

I went to my minister and tried to talk

to him, but he slept with my wife,

too. And right after I

told him that everyone was sleeping with

my wife, he said, well, when is you, when

are you at work?And I told him, that's

when he went over there. Did you catch

him sleeping with your eye?Yes.

How many times have you caught your wife

sleeping with somebody else?21.

That's masochism. My father slept

with her. You know what it's like that,

to beat the crap out of your father, who

you love?Why did you

do it, Daddy?I kept saying, and I was

beating his head into the wall. So how

long-- And how am I going to get back at

him?Sleep with Mom?No. I mean, I I

want to believe. I want to believe that

she says what she's saying. Mark. Mark,

stop. All right. Call me back. I

will. When you can speak the truth. I

will. Bye. Thank you.

Hi, with whom am I speaking?Uh, Johnny

Dobie. Johnny. Uh-huhI think you know

who I am. I'm Helen... I was

in your store the other day, and I gave

you a request for a certain Pepperidge

Farm cookie for the

macadamia crunch. Did you get that for me?

When did?When did I see you?Wait, I have

to blow my nose. I have a cold. Excuseme.

I'm sorry, Johnny. Nature calls. All

right. It was sometime

last week I ordered the cookie. You're

the handsome one, aren't you?

Well, hopefully. Yeah. How old are you,

darling?Twenty-seven. Twenty-seven.

That's what I thought. OK. I'm that very

attractive older woman that flirts with

you all the time. You know who I am?

Right off. You know, listen, here's

what I want, Johnny. OK. I want you to

deliver the cookies to me personally.

And I want you to just, you know, just

between you and me and the devil, I like

to be sprayed in the mug. So I want to

take the cookies. I want to crunch them

up all over me, and I want you to lick

them off of me. What do you say to that?

What?You heard me, Johnny. You can't

be right. No, I'm not kidding you. I want

you to grab a jar of that man gravy, and

I want it all over my behind. What?

My husband doesn't service me anymore,

Johnny. Do you understand what I'm saying?

And you're a very attractive man. I come

in there all the time. I asked for the

cookies. Remember, I ordered the cookies

and you said you would get them. For me.

And now what I want is I want you to

deliver them to me personally, OK?

And I'll make you feel very good. Johnny,

are you married?Maybe you need to come by

and talk to me. You want me to come by in

person?I'd be very happy to. Why don't

you come by and talk to me?You sure?Come

by and talk to me. I'll come by today if

I know you'll be there. I'll be here for

the rest of the day. Will you tell me if

you're married or not?We'll discuss that

when you get here. No, I wanted to. I

want to know if it's worth my time or

not, Johnny. Well, that's what I'm going

to tell you when you get here. Really.

You have. I find you very sexy with that

voice. All right. Because now let me tell

you something that you don't know. I have

false teeth. When I take them out, I

could make you feel so good. You won't

know what hit you. I'll have a cookie and

you all at once, and then you could have

my cookies. All right. Don't talk to me.

I'm going to come talk to you, Johnny.

I'll be over there. Is this still you?

Yeah. I know. You're sexy as all get out,

Johnny. That's why I asked for you. You

know what I'm saying?You want me to come

down?Come down. All right. I'll be there

any minute. All right. All right,

darling. Goodbye.

One, two, three,

four, five. One, two, three, four, five,

six.

Matchmaker. Hey, I'd like to sign up.

Uh, what's your name?My name's Ken. Okay,

well, I'll be glad to help you. My name's

Tina Ken. Have you seen the TV

commercials or anything?I have seen the

TV commercials. Okay. Very good. All

right. I don't watch certain channels,

though, because I have a, well, it's like

a disorder. You know, I don't watch the

prime numbers. Now tell

me about some of the girls that I'll be

meeting. By the way, I can't

meet anyone that goes that whose name

starts with AC. That's off my list. Why

is that?I just have a it's part of my

disorder. Have you heard of obsessive

compulsive disorder?It's sort of like

being perceptionist or something. It's

it's not like a perceptionist. It's like

a receptionist that has certain

quirks. But that's as far as the

perceptionist thing goes. It rhymes with

receptionist. When I go out with these

girls, is it possible that they cannot

mention my name?Oh, we're very strictly

confidential. I mean, when we're having a

conversation because I don't like to hear

my own name. OK, I'm going to let

somebody else that might be more

qualified talk with you. Are you sure?I I

I'm just about finished here. Hey, Kim,

this is Rainey. Can I help you?OK, I'm

looking for a woman who's even. Like



even numbers. You'd have to get in that

with a counselor. OK, I'll get into that

with a counselor. You understand OCD,

don't you?Yeah, I I know people with

that. Would the counselor, when I meet

with him, would she be able to wear the

rubber booties over her shoes if I

brought them in?But we're not going to do

any anything special that we wouldn't

normally do. But you've got to

understand, for me, that's not special.

That is something that's part of my. And

we're not going to do that. OK. Could you

just say OK after I say OK, it's just

crazy. This is crazy. And then I'm going

to wrap up this conversation. I'm going

to make an appointment to come in. OK.

Did you say OK?No, I didn't say OK. OKIf

you could just say OK after I say OK. No.

OK. I just don't know

where the compassion is here. Well,

honey, it's it's not me that has the

disorder. So I'm not going to. I'm not

going to be a part of it. Right. I just

rely on people's help. That's all. OK.

Have you been meeting people lately?I

haven't been meeting people. This is why

I'm calling your your, your company. OK.

OKHave you ever dated anyone seriously?

I've tried to date seriously. People are

turned off by me. OK. OKSo how

long has it been since you've been with

someone seriously?It's been two years and

and five months. OK. I wanted to

break it off earlier, but it was an odd

number, so I told her she could just hang

on. All right. How long were you with

that person?OK. How long were you with

that person?I'm sorry. I just need to

have you say OK after that and then I

could kind of talk. This is really you

can do it. You can do it with away. Okay.

How long you been with that person?Okay.

OkayAll right. Okay. Have you ever been

married?Okay. Ken, have you ever been

married?Okay. Not going to say it. Have

you ever been married?Okay.

OkayYou going to answer my

questions?Okay. I'm not going to say

that. I'm not taking a part in it. Okay.

Have you ever been married?Okay. I

I I have not

been. OK. OKSo

no, you've never been married?I have not.

I I OK. Do you have any

children, Ken?I don't have.

OK. You don't have any kids?OK. OKOK

You do want to get married?I do. How do

you spell Oklahoma?I have no idea.

Can you begin to spell it?No, I don't

know how to spell it. Oh,

what does that matter?OK.

OKWhat are some of the qualities you're

looking for in a lady other than. Thank

you. Thank you. All right. OK. OK

Good afternoon, Subways River Palms. This

is Carol. Hi, Carol. Can I speak to the

manager on duty, please?This is Carol,

the manager. Oh, that's wonderful. I'm

just calling about the Jared appearance

on Saturday. I didn't know there was

going to be one. OK. I didn't know

anything about it. Oh, my goodness. OK,

well, let me give you the update. Jared

will be coming to your store on Saturday

afternoon. Who is this?My name is

Terrence Catheter. I am Jared's

assistant, and I was just calling to make

sure all the details were in order. He's

going to be here at the River Pond. He

will be there, yes, at your store. He's

doing a piece for ET where he travels the

country and he eats sandwiches.

And he'll be at your store. Oh, really?

Yes. It should be wonderful. We're going

to have the whole crew there. Do you know

how busy it is here on Saturday?I know.

That's what we want. We want busyness. We

don't want it to make it look like people

don't eat at our stores now, do we?No.

OK, then. So, OK, what time is it coming?

Hold on. Can I give you to my assistant?

I'm. I'm in the middle of some your

assistant. OK. This seems rather more

important than something that will be

handed off to an assistant. Yes. Are you

assistant?Yeah. Yes. Hi. What's your name?

Paul. Ball. Hi, Ball.

I'm Terrence. I am Jared from

Subway's assistant. You know Jared from

the commercials?Yeah. Skinny guy. Big

pants. Yes. He's going to be making an

appearance at your store. We just want

everything to be scrubbed and perfect and

everyone to be on their best behavior.

OK, OK, Now there are a few things that

Jared. Asks for. I won't say he

demands, but he will freak out completely

if he doesn't get them when he goes into

the store. What we'd like you to say

is, Jared, how are you?What a pleasure to

see you. Greet him warmly. Greet him like

every. He comes in there all the time.

He's in there three times a week. OK.

Do you have that?Are you writing this

down?Yeah. OK, perfect. Also,

if you could compliment Jared on how nice

and thin he looks, say, wow, you look

great. You look terrific. You've really

kept the weight off. You're fit. You're

muscly. You're muscly.

OK, OK

And when he shows up, we are also going

to need everyone to sing the Jared song.

The Jared song. Yes. Do you know the

Jared song?No.

OK. I'm just taking

deep breaths right now because you were

supposed to learn the Jared song in

advance of his appearance there. And I'm

going to have the ET crew there.

OK, calm down, Terrence. You OK?

I'd be better if you knew the song. Does

anyone there know the song?Do you know

the Jared song?I never heard of the Jared

song. Don't you people have

television sets?Get her name and number.

Get her name and number. How about his

name and number?No, I need her name and

number. OK. OKI don't know what she's

saying there or why she's calling me a

her. Yeah, but I don't appreciate it. And

I mean, and I might have to shut this

store down. OK. If Jared deemed this

store unsuitable for him, this store

closes and you're all out on the street.

OK. OKOK,

you know what?I'm going to have to gather

myself and call you back because I'm so

angry right now. I could k*ll everyone

there. I could. I could go crazy. I could

spin out completely like a madman

and smash all the salami and lettuce and

throw lettuce every place in your store.

So I'm going to call you back. OK, OK,

goodbye. Learn the song while I'm gone.

All right. OK, God damn it. Bye.

Remember, kid, call him alone and say, No

running by pool with scissors.