01x05 - David Alan Grier & Dave Attell

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yeagers

tonight?Crank Yeagers.

Good afternoon, Community Living

Concepts. How can I help you?Hi, I'm

calling about the ad in the paper. OK,

can you fax your resume?

My fax machine is down. OK, that's the

only way we're taking. Really. Yes, Sir.

Can I mail it to you?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Did you say something?No. Oh,

OK. But I guess you can.

The the address is 4600

Peachtree Place Parkway. What was that

again?Peachtree Place Parkway. And that's

Doraville. How do you spell that?

DORA. What was that?

I can't. I can't hear you. You keep

belching in the phone. I'm sorry. I can't

help it. I just had a soda. Well, I'm

sorry, but I don't want to hear it

either. I I don't want to hear it either.

But, you know, sometimes I can't hold it

in. OK. Just like my farts. Well,

so it's wait, it's Peachtree Place

Parkway. OK. And that's Doorville.

Right. And that's. How do you spell out

Doorville again?DORA.

AVILLEAVILLE

OK and that's Georgia 30360.

I got the first #303.

I'm sorry, 30360.

OK, that's it. I need to let

me have the number again



four you said. 4600,

OK. And that's it.

So what, what kind of hours is it?9:00 to



That's just up to whatever you have to

offer.

Yeah, I have a lot to offer. Well,

they'd have whoever interviewed.

Can I get your name?Bobby Fletcher. OK.

What were you saying about someone who

interviews me?It's whoever interviews me.

They'll let you know. They'll let you

know at that time. I'm sorry, I didn't

hear that. They will let you know at that

time. Excuse me. They will let you know

at that time what they have to offer. Oh,

I see. Now it's so there's

benefits. I'm not sure. I don't do the

interviewing, so I'm not sure. Would I

have my own desk?No, Sir. No.

Nope. Well, how would that work?I don't

know.

Computer service. Hi, I'm calling because

I need some help with my computer. OK,

right now the computer is saying that it

can't read my A drive. Huh

Typically that's a cut and dry thing.

Typically the drive itself is dead. You

can't read any floppies in there. The

drive is dead. OK. So is that

bad?Well, it's not bad, but you're going

to need it replaced. You're going to run

probably about 90 bucks parts and labor

to do it. OK. So I'll be

available like tomorrow. OK. Can I

ask you a question?Sure. How long have

you been a tech support guy?About nine

years. Oh, wow. OK. Because you just

sound like you know what you're doing.

Yeah, I do this work day in and day out.

Probably 13 hours a day, 12 days a week.

What kind of work do you do?Oh, seriously?

Yes. I'm a dancer. Oh, OK Yeah.

So we could talk more. I can

get out there on site, you know, and take

a look at it, right?And get in there and

find out what the problem is. OK, what's

HTML?HTML is

how they program web pages. It's a

programming language.

Basically what they do is program web

pages, right?And

basically you get somebody who

is into programming web

pages. Oh my God, just keep talking for

like another minute. I just love the

sound of your voice. OK, well,

you sure you don't want me to meet you

and and tell you about this stuff?Why?

Would you want to meet me tonight?

Well, no, I've got plans already. Oh,

God. OK, well, then, I promise. Well,

maybe I can. Well, what's your what's

your address where you are?I'm on. I'm on

Philadelphia. What's the number?



Can you just talk to me for one more

minute?Seriously. Because I'm like, I'm

like halfway there. OK.

Like, what's a MB?Just tell me things

that you you think I would have nothing I

wouldn't know anything about. What is a

MB?Well, what a MB is, it's

it's basically a million

bytes. Yeah. And there's 8

bytes. Yeah. Basically to a bit. Uh-huh

Oh, my God. It's It's in

binary language is what it is. Zeros and

ones. Uh-huhAnd-- Are there a lot of them?

A lot of zeros and ones?Yeah, basically

when the when the program is

at the-- YeahProgram in the web pages,

it's basically in code. Uh-huhIt's

using, it's like C++. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Oh, God, that's working. Yeah. Right.

Yeah?And basically the the

guy programs code. Yeah. OK

And basically there's 8 bits to a byte.

And when the guy programs the HTML code

and he sits and he designs the web

page the way the customer likes it. OK,

shut up. Stop talking. OK.

OKWow. OK.

You have a great voice. Thank you so

much. OK. Are you still going to come

over tomorrow?Yeah, I can come out and

see what's going on with it. Oh, that's

great. Let's see.

Let me grab my clipboard here. You know

what?Do me a favor. I'm going to call you

back to make the appointment cause

tomorrow I'm kind of crazy. So I'll just.

I'll call you back. OK. You sure?You sure

you want me to come out and check it out?

No, I do. But let me just call you back

and tell you when. OK. OK, sweet. So do

you want to call me back tonight or

tomorrow?I'll call you back tonight. OK.

If you don't get me, just leave a message

on my machine. I promise I will. OK. All

right. You promise. I promise, baby. All

right. OK. I love you. OK. Bye.

Hello. Yes, hi, my name

is Frank Demore and I'm curious about

this electrolysis thing. OK, what kind of

work do you need done?Well.

I I kind of want prices and I want to see

if what what I need done can be done.

Like you do arms, right?People have hair

on their arms. Chest, of course. Legs.

I don't work below the waist on men. OK,

well, this is not for a man, it's for a

woman. Yeah, it's a surprise for my

thing. OK, now how much money are we

looking at right now?Which is what I

said. It's it's by the hour. So. Oh, it's

by the hour. Oh yeah. And how much is it

an hour?Cause I'm this is a lot of work.

$90.00 an hour. $90.00 an hour. OK, And

let's say like a back. How long?

How long does a back usually take you?I

mean, you're talking about, you know, a

lot of work, right?It's clear it's easily

a year. It could be more than a year. A

year to get all this done. Oh, sure.

Really. Yep. Because

this is for. Well, I have a

monkey, right?And this monkey

is hairy everywhere but its buttSo what

would you charge for something like that?

Oh, I don't have time for this nonsense.

Excuse me, Barbara.

Thanks for holding, Mr. Baron. Baron.

Yes, Sir. Baron, this is Burcham. Yes,

Sir. Yeah, you guys got lost and found

over there. This is it. Oh, perfect.

Listen, Baron. I was at a function over

there a couple nights back, right?And I

lost a leg. I mean, I lost it

name, but I lost a prosthetic leg. OK.

Is there one there?Hold on one

second. It's it's the right one.

No, Sir, I don't see one. Did you give a

good look?See. Yes, Sir. No, no

one's turned in anything. Nothing.

Prosthetic. Is it black or white?

Is that funny?I think it's

funny that I I lost a leg in them.

Baron von SmartassYes, Sir.

You know what it's like to lose a leg to

a landmine?You know that feeling?

Course you don't. You're foxtrotting and

bunny hopping through life, right?Jesus

Christ. The the cussing can stop. I'm

trying to do my best to help you. Listen,

God damn it, kid. When you lose a leg,

that gives you license to cuss. Well, you

think you're lying there in a rice

padding Da Nang with a bloody stump and

you're going fudge. Oh, gosh darn

it. My leg's gone. Well, all

right, Baron. You're a decent kid.

Yes, Sir. Circumcised. Sir.

Circumcised. If I'm circumcised or not,

it doesn't have anything to do with your

leg. Listen, I've been cut. You should be

cut too. Excuse me. My leg.

It's gone. Your foreskin's nothing. Huh

You're missing your foreskin. I'm

missing my g*dd*mn leg. OK?It was my

lucky leg. At least you didn't lose your

p*nis. How dare you?

How dare you, Sir?I'm sorry. I'm

a Christian. You're talking about a

veteran and an American. I

understand. I understand. You're a

veteran. 3 tours I did. You

couldn't handle 3 tours with air supply,

you pussyThere you go. Because the reason

this country's free because of guys like

me. I understand that. My father was in

the military too, Sir. Right, right

Probably working on a laundry ship. p*ssy

Let me tell you something, Sir. That's

enough. You talk about my father. That's

when I find you and kick your a*s and

break your other damn leg. Private p*ssy

What is he?One of those comfort girls

keeping the soldiers happy. That's what

he was, he comforted your wife while your

a*s was over there. How dare you attack

me?Yeah, how dare you attack me?You're

calling my damn circumcision p*nis, and

then you're talking about my f*cking dad.

Now I'm gonna start cussing. How dare you

use that language in front of me?HuhI was

a decorated seal. I understand that. What

was your dad doing?Slinging hash,

stateside?Probably blowing Bob Hope when

he rolled into town with the USO show.

Wuss, take him out with piano wire.

Like a hawk. I swoop down to take out my

prey. Yes, Sir. All right, I'm coming

down there. OK, come on. I'll. I'll look

forward. Hopefully I have it when you get

here. All right, Baron. OK, now I'll buy

you a beer.

Confucius say. Man with hand in

pocket feel c*ck all day.

Get it?

Thank you for calling. This is Allison.

Hi there. My name is Terrence and I'm

Bill Cosby's assistant. And I wanted to

make a reservation for Mr. Cosby for

tomorrow night. Tomorrow night. And there

are certain things that Mr. Cosby

likes. OK. And I was wondering if I

could mention those to you. What does

he like?First of all, he doesn't like to

be made a spectacle of, so if the staff

could avoid making eye contact with or

looking at him, he would appreciate that.

What is the temperature generally in the

restaurant?Just it's nice, comfortable

temperature. Mr. Cosby likes it at

exactly 71 degrees. OK,

Bill does not like food in the shape of a

square also.

The waitstaff, if they could refer to him

as my man, he likes to be called my man.

OK. He'll also need exclusive access

to the men's room. And so if you

could, if you could rope that off or

something for the other customers so that

he has exclusive access to that. OK

Oh, a large shallow bowl of salt

water, because sometimes he likes

to wash his feet before the meal.

Yes, yes, I will. Thank you.

Hi, how are you?This is September. We

were speaking with Allison. I think we

had. She had given me a list of a few

things that you wanted to make sure. Yes.

Can I go over that list with you?Sure.

Just to make sure you have everything.

Yeah. OK. Now what do you have on that

list?I have. He doesn't want to be made a

spectacle of. Right. No square shaped

food. Right. And what is this about

MU man?My man. Oh, my. Oh,

sorry. Bill likes to be referred to as my

man. When he comes into the restaurant,

he would say, hey, my man, what's

happening?That kind of thing. He's a

regular guy. He's a terrific guy. Oh,

definitely, I'm sure. Yes. YesNow let's

see exclusive access to the restroom for

him. We do have a back stairwell in our

kitchen that he can use if he does need

to go. So he doesn't have to walk through

the dining room. OK Will anyone else be

using that bathroom at all?Yeah, it will

be. It is a public restroom. We do have a

we do have an employee restroom, but it's

not. Bill does not. If anyone is

using, he will know and he will know. And

I don't know how he knows, but he knows

for the whole evening while he's here.

For the evening while he's here, yes. And

if there's some kind of sanitize for your

protection, seal on the toilet, just to

let him know that everything is is clean

and prepared for his buttocks. I

mean, he is very specific about

certain things, but he's a wonderful man,

OK?And what is this other thing, Marge?

Bowl of salt water. Bowl of salt water.

Sometimes he likes to wash his feet, and

obviously he won't do that in the

restaurant. He'll go into the bathroom,

but sometimes he does like to wash his

feet before the meal. OK. And just so I

have it for sure, what will you call Mr.

Cosby when he comes into the restaurant?

My man. Thank you so much, September. And

we look forward to seeing you. And please

don't make direct eye contact with Mr.

Cosby. Thanks. Thank you, Taryn. Thanks.

Take care. Goodbye.

This Thursday at 8 on Fox from the people

who brought you When Puppets Attacked,

the world's most shocking puppet footage

caught on tape. When puppets

explode. Almost too graphic for

broadcast. Puppets exploding from around

the world. No one is safe.

Old puppets, young puppets,

fat puppets, skinny

puppets. Me?On a

one-way trip to puppet oblivion.

You see that?He straight up exploded.

My boy exploded. He exploded, y'all.

You won't be able to watch. You won't be

able to look away. Maybe too intense for

younger viewers.

Hello?Hey, my name's Dean. Uh,

I just called 'cause, uh..

Just, you know, want to get my groove on.

Where are you from?I'm actually from LA

originally. I'm out here just kicking it.

Where are you now?Right now I'm in Vegas,

just chilling. I've been a little sick,

but I'm just trying to feel better, you

know what I mean?Oh, yeah, yeah, yeahYou

know, so I called, you know, for

some a*s play. Are you feeling kind of

hornyReal hard, you know what I mean?

Oh, I hear you. I'm getting pretty hot,

too. All right, then. All right. Yeah.

You want to know what I look like?Yeah,

yeah, yeahTell me. Tell meWhat are you

wearing?What's that?What are you wearing?

A pair of black satin panties and a

little T-shirt. Uh-huh

Yeah, and...

Yeah. Do you want me to take my panties

down right now?All right, then. What's

your name?Nicole. Ah, Nicole.

Yeah, yeahSo what are you doing?I'm just

lying on my sofa. I'm starting to touch

my poster. Oh, you're rubbing your love

button.

I'm sorry, what are you doing here?

Yeah. So what were you doing?Yeah.

Were you playing with your booty?

All right. What you doing now?What's that?

What you doing now?

What's that in the background?

I just got the flu. I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, God. Oh, I'm

just really sick. I'm sorry. What were

you doing?I'm just starting to touch

myself. Oh, yeah. YeahOh, yeah.

OK. Oh, yeah. Yeah, keep going. Keep

going. Keep going. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Oh. Oh, damn, Nicole.

Yeah?Damn.

Whoo. There is vomit

and dookie everywhere. Whoo!

I got to clean up. You have a

beautiful evening, baby.