03x05 - Driven to Drive/A Patty in Time

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, everybody.

This week's episode

is all about boats.

[cheers and applause]

Vroom, vroom!

Ahh-ehh-ehh!

- What a great idea for a show!

- [yells]

[engine roars]

Ugh!

And as a special
treat, GrandPat

gave us permission to see
his classic boat collection.

He said to me, Patrick, you
can see them over my dead body!

Fortunately,
we have it with us today.

- I'm not dead.

I was just in a coma.

- Let's see here.

- Ahh-ooh-ahh-ahh.

- There!

- Put me down!

- OK.

[loud thump]

- [groans]

- Voila!

- This episode is going to
be great for our ratings.

- I will now begin
pointing at boats.

Boat.

Boat.

- [grunts]
Get out of here, you buffoon!

Let me do the talking.

I bought
this wooden spiral beauty

from Leonardo da Fishy himself.

This boat I "borrowed"
from a widow who

left the keys in the ignition.

I borrowed this one
from the widow's husband.

And here's an
oldie but a goodie.

- Hey, want to drive!

Vroom, vroom!

[loud crash]

Oh yeah,
I don't know how to drive.

[alarm blaring]

- Oh no,
my dad sense is tingling.

Patrick needs me for a
father-and-son teaching moment.

And away!

[loud clattering]

- Soup's on, dear.

- [grumbling]

At least my vintage
beauty is untouched.

[whirring, crunching]

[yelps]

- Son, it's time for me
to teach you how to drive.

- Yay!

- Oh boy!

A remote segment.

I need to go get
my mobile camera rig.

Wait for me out front.

- OK.

In the meantime,
let's go over the basics.

Step one-- how to properly
enter and exit the vehicle.

I like to jump through
the window like a cool dude.

[grunts]

[loud crash]

- Through the sunroof
is even cooler.

[loud crash]

[all screaming]

- Step two-- review
the pre-dive checklist.

Seat belt, check.

Steering wheel, check.

[loud crash]

[whooshes, dings]

Soup.

[slurps]
Mmm, delicious.

Check, please.

[loud crash]

Tires, check.

Now we are ready to drive.

Start the engine, son.

[engine rumbles]

And we're off.

[gentle music]

- [whimpering]

- You're doing great.

Go right.

Go left.

Now, gently slam on the brakes,
and pick up this nice lady.

I'm also working my latest
temp job for a taxi service.

Where to, ma'am?

- I'm having a baby!

Get me to the hospital!

- You know what that means.

Put the pedal to the metal.

[tires squealing]

It's OK to ignore
all the rules of the road

when it's an emergency.

Or when you're bored.

- Drive faster!

[tires squealing]

[engines roaring]

The baby's coming!

[groans]

- Oh!

Well, then,
better make a pit stop.

[tools clattering]

[baby crying]

- Great job.

Now use your hand signals to
gently merge back into traffic.

[engines roaring]

I know it's hard for beginners.

That's why your dad
has a secret trick.

When in doubt,
close your eyes and floor it.

- Aye-aye, captain.

[exciting music]

[engines roaring]

- Stop!

[tires screeching]

[loud expl*si*n]

Oh, that was a close one.

We almost ran over
that half-eaten cupcake!

[robotic arm whirring]

[chomps]

Mmm.

All right, son.

Let's continue
with your lesson.

[tires squealing]

Ooh, lookee there.

A customer.

- Yoo-hoo!

Taxi!

- Perfect!

She looks loaded.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Hi!

- No, son.

He's the competition.

You got to give
him the stink-eye

and rev the engine
threateningly.

[engine rumbling]

[bell dings]

[tires squealing]

[yells]

So he wants
to play dirty, huh?

Deploy the spy gear.

[electronic beep]

- Some of these guys, a couple
of these, and a bunch of those.

[whirring, clattering]

- [yells, grunts]

[clattering]

Ahh!

- [yells]

[tires squealing]

- All right, son.

Time to pull out the big g*ns.

[ducks quacking]

- Mother of pearl!

- [quacks]

[quacking]

[horn honks]
- Ha-ha.

- [blows raspberry]

Dad.

[ominous music]

- Ooh, a hitchhiker.

- He looks kind of shifty.

- We always pick up
hitchhikers, son.

They have the best
conspiracy theories.

- Heh-heh-heh.
Where to?

- Just drive.

[coughs]
Oh, pardon me.

Just drive, please.

Golly, it's hot in here.

I know y'all got AC.

Ooh!

[ice crackling]

Ooh, a music box.

[loud music]

That's an amazing sound system!

- [grunts]
Don't touch my--

- [gasps] Wow,
will you look at that?

Is that a jellyfish?

- Patrick, we gotta get
this guy out of here.

- Way ahead of you.

I'm going to crash the car.

- Well,
thanks for the ride, fellas.

Remember, I was never here.

[loud crash]

[both groaning]

- Huh?

Where'd he go?

- Well, that took care of that.

Let's hit the road.

- [growls]

[exciting music]

All right, pal.

Let's see your license.

- I don't have one!

- Go easy on him, Officer.

He's just a kid.

He's learning.

- Well, why didn't you say so?

My kid's learning too.

- Go, go, go!

- [laughs]
They're so cute at that age.

- [chuckles] They sure are.

All right, sir.

Let's see your license.

- Oh.

Uh, I don't have one either.

- [gasps] Son,
Daddy's about to help

you collar your first perp.

Pull over now!

- No thank you, Officer.

He can't arrest us if we
get our licenses first.

To the DMB!

[boat whinnies]

- [imitates siren wailing]

- What if I can't
pass my driving test?

- Son, look at me.

You're a great driver, and you
are going to pass that test.

- Whoo!

[glass shatters]

Yay, we made it!

- [imitating siren wailing]

- Hold the celebration, son.

He's still on our tail.

[both whimpering]

- [imitating siren wailing]

- Come on, come on.

He's getting closer.

- But so are we.

Look!

- Ohh!

- Next, please.

- Hello.

- How can I help you today?

- Dad?

- Hi, son.

Uh, that taxi gig wasn't
really working out,

so I'm temping
at the DMB today.

- Whoo-hoo!

This will be easy.

One license, please.

- I'm sorry, son.

I saw your driving
today, and there's

no way I could give
you a license after all

those moving violations.

- But Dad, I thought you
said I was a good driver.

[whimpering]

- Gotcha! Ha-ha!

Just a little DMB humor.

Here's your license, son.

- I finally did it.

After almost 11 minutes
of hard work and practice,

I got my license to drive!

- [imitating siren wailing]

Hand it over, pal.

- [sighs]

- No more driving for you, bub.

[machine whirs]

All right, Junior.

Our work here is done.

Let's roll.

- [screams]

- Your mother won't
be happy about the car

getting impounded.

- But at least we
got a good episode

out of it, right, Squidina?

Um, Squidina?

- OK, guys, let's get
this show on the road.

Guys?

Guys?

[cheerful music]

[rooster crows]

- We'll be right back

after a word from our sponsor.

- Yay, commercial!

- Attention,
Krusty Krab lovers.

- I'm listening.

- The Krusty Krab is proud to
present a brand-new menu item.

We start with a
chocolate cake bun,

top it with a slab
of marzipan.

- Ooh!

- Strawberry frosting.

Another slab of marzipan.

- [yells]

- Vanilla frosting.

More marzipan.

- [jabbers]

- Hot fudge.

An additional slab
of marzipan.

Pickles.

- [babbles]

- The top part of the
chocolate cake bun.

And what the heck--

let's throw a cherry on top.

I call it the Patty Kake.

- [yells]

[chomps]

- Not sweet enough for you?

Then make it a
combo meal by adding

churro fries and a cup of
carbonated high-fructose

corn syrup.

- Mom, can I go melt
my teeth with sugar?

- As long as you don't
spoil your dinner.

- But wait!

It gets better.

- It does?

- The person who orders
the first Patty Kake

will get their face
immortalized on this official

Patty Kake promotional poster.

- I want to be on that poster.

- Then all you got to do is
be first in line this morning.

- Wait!

This morning is
happening right now.

What time do the doors open?

- 10 minutes from now.

- Great!

I only need five
minutes to get there,

and that leaves me with another
five minutes for a power nap.

[snores]

- [yawns]

To the Krusty Krab!

[loud crash]

[surf music]

♪ ♪

- [whistling]

And I'm off to the door store.

♪ ♪

- [yells]

[loud crash]

- Huh.

I guess today is my lucky day.

- Almost there!

[yells]

[loud thud]

[crashes]

First in line.

- [babbling]
Oh, hiya, Patrick.

- SpongeBob?

How did you get in the
Krusty Krab so early?

- It's not early.

Mr. Krabs sold out of
Patty Kakes four hours ago.

It was a huge success.

[burps] And I was the
first one to try them.

- That's impossible.

I got-- I got here early.

I-- [screams]

[whimpers]

If only I had the means
to travel back in time

and change the outcome of
this unfortunate situation.

- [laughs]
Well, better luck next time.

[echoing]
Time, time.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to organize my closet.

[echoing]
Closet, closet.

- Hmm.

Oh well.

- Is he really that dense?

- [grunts]

Time closets?

Wait!

Oh, that's it!

I can use my time closet
to go back to this morning

and be first in line.

[panting]

[drill whirs]

- So much fun.

I wish I could install
it all over again.

- [yelling]

- Oh.
[chuckles]

Be careful
what you wish for, Cecil.

- Back to the Krusty Krab
early this morning.

[electricity buzzing]

[bell dings]

- [laughs]

♪ Patty Kake,
Patty Kake, here I am ♪

- I don't think so, pal.

[grunts]

- Oh, hiya, Patrick.

- You stay away from the
Krusty Krab, you hear me?

- Why?

The new Patty Kake
is out today.

- Sorry, buddy.

[panting]

- My turn!

[laughs]

[both panting]

[babbling]

Gotcha!
- [grunting]

[laughter]

- Hey!

That tickling tickles.

[grunts]

[panting]

Oh, no.

[dramatic music]

- First in line,
victory is mine.

- Congratulations!

- Mona Lisa,
eat your heart out.

- No way!

Oh, let's try this again.

[electricity buzzing]

- [laughs]
Tickle, tickle.

- Get off me, SpongeBob!

- 12 patties a day
keeps the doctor away.

- [grunts] Go
back where you came from!

It's my turn
to be first in line!

- You'd have to lock me
in a cage

to keep me
from the Krusty Krab.

- Aha!

- What the?

- I'll let you out once
I'm on that poster.

- [clears throat] As a
prisoner, I do have rights.

- [groans]

OK.

What are your demands?

- I would like a full
country breakfast,

some Silver Age comic
books, a smart TV,

a life-size Man Ray action
figure, and an ergonomic

computer chair.

- [chuckling]

- Huh?

- I can't believe
I got here first.

- Not again!

If at first you don't succeed,
fail, fail again.

[bell dings,
electricity buzzes]

- [laughing]
Hey!

Get off me, SpongeBob!

- A smart TV, a life-size
Man Ray action figure,

and an ergonomic
computer chair.

- Now, where's Mrs. Puff?

Aha!

[glass shatters]

[exciting music]

[engine turning over]

[grunts]

[tires squealing]

- [humming]

[rock music]

[humming]

[rock music]

[loud crash]

[humming]

[rock music]

[gentle music]

[glass shatters]

- Stop the car.

- [screaming]

[loud expl*si*n]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Mmm-mmm.

- [snarls]

[electricity buzzing]

- A life-size Man Ray--

- Hey!

Get off me, SpongeBob!

Please let me eat
the Patty Kake!

Please, please, please,
please!

[grunts]
Huh?

- This sponsorship is going
to make us both a lot of money.

- I agree.

[laughter]

[distorted laughter]

[loud expl*si*n]

[electricity buzzing]

- Please let me
eat the Patty Kake!

- Huh?

[yells]

[all yelling]

- [laughs]

- My leg!

[all yelling]

[electricity buzzing]

- [growls]

- Meow.

[meowing]

- [cawing]

- [meowing]

[electricity buzzes,
bell dings]

- Phew.

I think that's literally
everyone in Bikini Bottom.

[screams]

- Forgetting someones?

[all yelling, grunting]

- Wait!

- [grunts]

- Sorry.

- Violence is never the answer.

Surely there must
be a better way

to determine who
among us is most

deserving of the Patty Kake.

[triumphant music]

- Oh, I'm so happy for you.

[indistinct chatter]

- Welcome, Patricks and gentle
Patricks,

to "Top Patrick,"

where we'll find out
which Patrick

is the most deserving of eating
the first Patty Kake.

And now let's meet our judges--

all of Bikini Bottom
in one cage.

Without further undo, please
welcome our first contestant,

Patrick Star!

[cheers and applause]

- Who wants to see me smash
a banana with a hammer?

[cheers and applause]

[wind howling]

- [sighs] No one showed up
for you, little Patty Kake.

Guess you're just a sweet,
frosted failure.

[chomps]
Blech!

Ugh.

What was I thinking?